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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that inlaws have told everyone about my recent miscarriage?

87 replies

Namechangeforabit · 09/12/2018 19:53

My inlaws were present on Wednesday night when I began bleeding heavily and they had to take me to hospital, where I sadly miscarried (10 weeks - I had not announced the pregnancy). They kindly looked after my son while I was in hospital overnight.
However, I have since found out that they have told the news to my sister in law, both sets of their parents (who have told other people), a friend who is also friends with my parents (before they knew whether I had told my parents) and the inlaws of my husband's bestfriend. Essentially making this impossible for us to keep private from anyone in our network.

I was extremely hurt to hear details of one of the most personal, painful events in my life has been shared without my consent and has fast become public knowledge. I reacted in anger to my inlaws and stated the above to them directly, before removing myself from family WhatsApp groups.

My inlaws think I am being unreasonable and say they were just seeking support as they find it helps to be open and honest, they have said it does not help to blame anyone.

Am I being unreasonable to be angry and hurt with them and to think this was my news to share?

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 09/12/2018 23:41

I think you're right, it's their reaction that's the most upsetting. If they'd have said "I'm so sorry, we were so upset and just weren't thinking" I would be closer to forgiving them. But not even remotely owning their fuck up and saying YOU are being unreasonable is awful.

Notevenmyrealname · 09/12/2018 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Uggywuggy · 10/12/2018 00:36

You are definitely not being unreasonable!!! They have shown no consideration for your feelings, only thought about themselves. You cannot trust them again.

I learnt that lesson the hard way. My child had to stay in the special care nursery after birth and my husband took a photo of me crying about the situation while breastfeeding. He (stupidly) sent it to his parents, who included it in a photo album to show every man and his dog. As you do.

No consideration for me and my privacy whatsoever.

I was pregnant earlier this year and didn’t really want them to know. At three months we lost bub. DH told his mother and people now know, of course. It’s always about them!!!

I’m so sorry for your loss.

dms1 · 10/12/2018 01:33

Such a graceful response at such a sad time for you... My heart goes out to you. Xx

Rachyrach80 · 10/12/2018 01:44

I'm so sorry, no YANBU, that's an awful thing to do.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/12/2018 07:01

First, I am so sorry for your loss. You are not BU to feel hurt and betrayed, it was your private news and not theirs to share.

However, it sounds like a generational thing and they may simply have a more matter of fact attitude towards miscarriage. I had one many years ago and my mother thought nothing of it - for her generation (1950s) it was a non-event. Their concern will have been for your physical welfare. I doubt whether they gave a thought to your emotional loss. To them, it was just telling people of their own eventful day. That’s what their reaction says to me, anyway.

Your DH needs to explain how private this information is and how hurt you both are, both by the experience and by them sharing it far and wide. Then let it sink in. If you want to take the pressure off he could tell them that you are no longer TTC, and then hopefully they will focus their attention on someone else.

Try to let the anger go, justified though it is. Concentrate on your own recovery

RiverTam · 10/12/2018 09:47

Rubbish is it a generational thing. And the fact that the OP has miscarried before and her ILs knew that's why she wasn't telling anyone else makes it all the worse.

The OP says her MIL has form for oversharing. That is personal, not generational.

VeggyGravy · 11/12/2018 17:20

However, it sounds like a generational thing and they may simply have a more matter of fact attitude towards miscarriage

Well in that case it wasn't something that needed public grieving was it?

pantyclaws · 11/12/2018 17:25

Yes it's one thing to share news that wasn't there's to share.

Then another thing entirely to claim it was in your best interests. Anything but an apology in response to your post would be out of order.

pantyclaws · 11/12/2018 17:25

Theirs not there's!

Heatherjayne1972 · 11/12/2018 17:33

My ex MIL would have done this with the ‘excuse’ of ‘well they have to know’
They don’t
It’s your news

Sorry for you loss op. You’re not unreasonable at all to be angry

Minniemountain · 11/12/2018 17:35

Unfortunately some people are happy to share everything about themselves so don't understand people who want privacy.

MIL told people about my MMC, so I asked DH to tell her not to tell people when I was ill this year. She still bloody did.

Sorry for your loss. It's a shitty thing to happen

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