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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be hurt that inlaws have told everyone about my recent miscarriage?

87 replies

Namechangeforabit · 09/12/2018 19:53

My inlaws were present on Wednesday night when I began bleeding heavily and they had to take me to hospital, where I sadly miscarried (10 weeks - I had not announced the pregnancy). They kindly looked after my son while I was in hospital overnight.
However, I have since found out that they have told the news to my sister in law, both sets of their parents (who have told other people), a friend who is also friends with my parents (before they knew whether I had told my parents) and the inlaws of my husband's bestfriend. Essentially making this impossible for us to keep private from anyone in our network.

I was extremely hurt to hear details of one of the most personal, painful events in my life has been shared without my consent and has fast become public knowledge. I reacted in anger to my inlaws and stated the above to them directly, before removing myself from family WhatsApp groups.

My inlaws think I am being unreasonable and say they were just seeking support as they find it helps to be open and honest, they have said it does not help to blame anyone.

Am I being unreasonable to be angry and hurt with them and to think this was my news to share?

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/12/2018 21:17

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are not being unreasonable- they have treated this terribly upsetting event as gossip, and shared your confidential medical details far and wide. They may well claim that blame doesn't help anyone, as the blame lies squarely with them. And it does help if it stops them doing the same thing again, to you or to anyone else.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/12/2018 21:17

Who bloody cares if THEY find it helps THEM to be open with all and sundry about the most personal details of THEIR lives. This is not one such. It is one of the most personal and, very normally and reasonably, most private things, to happen in your life, to you.

So sorry, for your loss and for your having to deal with their insensitivity Flowers

VeggyGravy · 09/12/2018 21:19

Honestly, even if they just made a mistake in saying something, as soon as the OP expressed upset they should have apologised. That's what any decent human would do rather than cause more hurt to a grieving mother.

BewareOfDragons · 09/12/2018 21:23

It's shockingly insensitive. And then to double down and defend their shocking insensitivity? Wow.

I'm glad you DH realises it was not their news to share with anyone, let alone so widely. I would struggle to trust them again, too.

Your DH needs to sit down with them and really try to make them see what an awful position they've put you in.

And yes, if they don't get it, show them this thread.

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 21:24

I'm giving them a bit of a pass in this instance because I think they initially shared the news still in a state of grief and shock themselves not out of a malicious desire to hurt the OP as some here would have it. Of course OP has the deeper grief and more personal loss, as I said before, but it doesn't mean other closely related people aren't affected.

Hmmm even if the shock and grief of it meant they went around telling that many people about it over 4 days on numerous separate occasions (Hmm) if they intended no malice or unkindness then wouldn’t they be mortified to hear they’d caused upset for an already distressed and grieving person and apologised unreservedly?? Rather than defensive deflection?

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 21:28

Since Wednesday night they have told...my sister in law, both sets of their parents (who have told other people), a friend who is also friends with my parents (before they knew whether I had told my parents) and the inlaws of my husband's best friend

That’s an awful lot of different people to have told in a state of shock and distress... Hmm not buying it. I think they either wanted all the sympathy/attention or they were somewhat revelling in the drama... will all these people be praying for the OP?? Are they all part of a big church group?

MirandaGoshawk · 09/12/2018 21:28

YADNBU. I would be livid. Maybe if they hadn't been there when it happened then you would have been in control. That 'gossip' part of it is the crux of it for them, it seems to me - to be the first with the news. All you can do, as pp have said, is to tell them last next time. Best wishes to you xx

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 21:30

Yes I wouldn’t tell them until after the anomaly scan next time round and if they kick up a stink remind them they have themselves to blame

lilyblue5 · 09/12/2018 21:30

Firstly, So sorry this has happened to you OP.
With regards to your gossiping in-laws, I wouldn’t forgive lightly. It was your news and yours alone (you and DP). They have told people for sympathy/attention seeking. What a shame Sad
YANBU

PanamaPattie · 09/12/2018 21:31

This is such awful behaviour. They must have gone of their way to tell those people, as they probably wouldn't see them on a day to day basis. I expect they took great delight in contacting everyone with the gory details, making it all about them. Support - my arse. It's just attention seeking.

DoJo · 09/12/2018 21:33

It was their grandchild, surely they're allowed to grieve the loss too?

Not if their grief compounds the upset that the actual parents feel, no. Nobody has the right to do that, and since finding out that they have made the situation intolerably worse for the OP, they should have apologised, not tried to justify it. The fact that they haven't suggests that they were not seeking support, rather passing on someone else's private medical information to garner themselves sympathy.

Honeyroar · 09/12/2018 21:37

They can think you're as unreasonable as they like, but they're the ones massively insensitive and in the wrong. This is not about them, even if they may well have been upset. I'm sorry for your loss.

Jamiefraserskilt · 09/12/2018 21:37

This was intensely private and personal and was shared like gossip. Sadly whatever their intentions were, they were wrong to discuss this with anyone let alone so many.
Sorry for your loss.

RibbonAurora · 09/12/2018 21:39

How do you know how many days it was over and how many separate occasions Absofrigginlootly ? I don't see that detail in the OP's posts?

Regardless, everyone here whipping up the rage and bitterness on OP's behalf, telling her not to ever trust them or forgive them lightly, that they must have delighted in the gory details? The OP says they are usually kind and thoughtful, so this is clearly out of character for them, what do people here hope to achieve by encouraging the OP to think they were being deliberately cruel in what they did?

CoraPirbright · 09/12/2018 21:42

they were just seeking support as they find it helps to be open and honest

God its all about them isnt it?! YANBU and I am so sorry for your loss.

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 21:43

Ribbon op says this happened Wednesday night... it’s now Sunday night and op must have found out at least yesterday or this morning to have responded to the WhatsApp group, received their reply, discussed with DH etc so probably they’ve been telling all these people over a 2-3 day period

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 21:44

my sister in law, both sets of their parents (who have told other people), a friend who is also friends with my parents (before they knew whether I had told my parents) and the inlaws of my husband's best friend

I can’t imagine all those random people being in the same room at the same time can you?

StillMe1 · 09/12/2018 21:45

I am sorry to hear of your miscarriage. It is very sad and upsetting for you and the family.

It is a difficult time for the whole family. I have watched my sister and a good friend go through multiple miscarriages something like 7 and 9 miscarriages respectively. I knew my role in this was to be helpful and to re-assure as best I could (without medical knowledge or personal experience). I didn't go telling people but It was really hard to watch this over and over again. I was sad and worried for them but I had to be sensible and do what I could to help. This did not mean that I did not shed tears time and time again.
While I realise that the pregnant woman is the main person to lose in these situations, other people care too. It is not very understanding to try to deny people their loss upset and disappointment.

Absofrigginlootly · 09/12/2018 21:51

stillme presumably your DSis and friend voluntarily shared this information with you though? So you could be reasonablely sure they were ok that you knew.

The op didn’t choose to share this with her PILs they just happened to be there when it sadly happened. They should have waited to see how op was doing and feeling about it all before going around blabbing to the neighbours cat. Yes they can feel upset but to go ahead and share something so personal without first thought to the op is just so self absorbed.

katseyes7 · 09/12/2018 21:54

l'm so sorry for your loss. And sorry that your inlaws chose to do that. l had two miscarriages, and l never told my mother, because l knew she'd do exactly the same thing. l hope you're being looked after and getting some proper support xxx

stayathomegardener · 09/12/2018 21:59

Open and honest is quite frankly gaslighting.

Your in laws are simply gossips.

Thanks
CoffeeCoffeeTea · 09/12/2018 21:59

I am so sorry for your loss.
Your in-laws may have thought they were helping by telling everyone.
But they should not have shared this with anyone with discussing with you and your husband.

StillMe1 · 09/12/2018 22:05

@Absofrigginlootly - DSis had already told the family and I was the emergency transport so it could not really be a secret. I was driving over to collect DSis crying but knowing I had to pull myself together before I arrived. DFriend was struggling so badly that everyone knew about the situation. It was a "very special case"
I am pleased to say that both now have DCs who are doing well, 3 each!
Many times I had to pretend to go to the toilet when actually I was so upset and crying for them I didn't tell anyone off my own bat. In the light of this thread I would hate to think that in order to keep the situation a secret either DSis or DFriend would hesitate to contact me.

Original poster
Namechangeforabit · 09/12/2018 22:20

Thank you for all your messages.
I have thought about them all (especially the ones who disagree with me).

I should have been clearer in my original post that inlaws were some of the only people who were aware of the pregnancy prior to this - however, they knew that my parents did not know and that I did not want extended family / most friends to know I was pregnant for fear of miscarriage (I have miscarried previously).

I did not specify to them on Wednesday that I did not want them to tell people about the pregnancy loss - it did not occur to me (it was an emergency as I was bleeding so heavily and I was too overwhelmed with what was happening to give thought to anything else).

I understand they were upset at the loss and I don't think they have acted maliciously - that would be too out of character. However, I don't think they stopped for one moment to think about whether or not I would want people to know - which I guess is what I found most hurtful, as they knew the circumstances were very traumatic and I was devastated, yet it seems they disregarded or immediately forgot about my feelings as soon as they left the hospital.

To be clear, they told people over several days (one this morning), not just in the initial panic.

I do want to find a way forward to maintain a relationship with them - they are generally decent people, although my mother in law is prone to oversharing other people's information. However, it is difficult to move forward until they can see my point of view.

Your posts have been very helpful in clarifying that I am not insane to be hurt by this, though a few of you think I am oversenitive. I have been as hurt by their response, as I was by their loose tongues.

I have now handed this over to my husband to try to resolve for the time being. Thank you

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/12/2018 22:51

I think they will need to understand that you might very well now feel unable to share any future private information of any sort with them, because the evidence suggests that they will gossip.

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