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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty, or is he a CF?

80 replies

sleighbellesring · 09/12/2018 13:22

Between me and my long-term partner, I've always been the higher earner. On average I've spent approx. £200 on Christmas gifts for him each year. He spends around £50 on me, which mirrors our usual financial arrangements as he earns a quarter of my wage.

Cut to this year, he's been out of work for 10 months and not contributing to the mortgage or joint bills. I've also given him around £1500 over this time, to pay his mobile bill/ buy his family presents/ fund travel to job interviews, etc.

I've said that I don't expect him to buy me a gift for Christmas, but he said he wants to, so I made a suggestion for a new book I'd like. He then went on to say that he'd figured out what he would like as his present from me- a VR thing for his PlayStation. I've just looked it up and it's around £200.

Now, I know this is the usual budget, but I can't help but feel like he's taking the piss when things have been tight. So, AIBP, or is he a CF?

OP posts:
peachypetite · 09/12/2018 13:25

I think CF.

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/12/2018 13:26

CF definitely!

CantPleaseEvery1 · 09/12/2018 13:26

He's being a proper CF

TORDEVAN · 09/12/2018 13:27

I earn about a third of my DH, we pool that and get equal gifts.

He's being a CF, but you've allowed him to expect that disparity in gift giving

Mickeysminnie2 · 09/12/2018 13:27

He is of course a cheeky fucker! Why is out of work that long. There are plenty of seasonal jobs where we are.

Milly848 · 09/12/2018 13:28

Yes that's cheeky. Just say no

LittleScottieDog · 09/12/2018 13:29

I think definite CF; without his wage, presumably your wage has been going more towards keeping a roof over your heads/heat/water/food etc. So it's not just him who has less disposable income, it's both of you. And that's irrespective of how much you've given him.

Remind him how tight things are and that you're buying something smaller this year. He should understand that if he has any kind of brain in his head.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/12/2018 13:29

I vote CF. If you're partners, if one of you is not earning it means you are both worse off. So between you it's harder to afford expensive gifts. By the sound of it you're effectively paying for his gift to you as well, if you're subbing him all that other stuff. This can happen, true partners support each other through the bad times, but asking for a wickedly expensive present is not support, it's taking the p.

Racecardriver · 09/12/2018 13:29

I earn way way less than my husband at the moment. It would never even occur to me to expect my gift to cost ten times as much as his.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 09/12/2018 13:29

CF for sure.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 09/12/2018 13:30

Just say it is too much at the moment because you don't have as much disposable income.

MsVestibule · 09/12/2018 13:30

Out of work for 10 months??? Unless you're a very high earner, he must be on a NMW type wage so surely he could have found one of those jobs in that time!

Presumably you've been paying all bills, food etc in that time? He really is being cheeky to expect you to then buy him an expensive(ish) Christmas present.

Alienspaceship · 09/12/2018 13:32

CF - tell him you can’t afford it, what the extra expense supporting him...

GreenTulips · 09/12/2018 13:32

Let me guess - you do all the house work as well?

Original poster
sleighbellesring · 09/12/2018 13:35

We're not married, so we don't pool our money. It's worked for almost 15 years until he stopped earning.

There are some complications around his line of work, as it's quite niche, he's no longer a spring chicken, and he's also suffering with poor mental health, which makes work harder.

Thank you all for your feedback, though. Sometimes, it's easy to let the trees block the view of the woods :)

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 09/12/2018 13:40

CF - given your finances it would make seems to do token gifts this year. Is there anything else more urgent that you need that 200 pounds for?

Original poster
sleighbellesring · 09/12/2018 13:44

@VimFuego101, that's the thing that makes me question myself.

I can afford the mortgage and bills by myself, and I have plenty in savings, so I don't need the £200 for anything else.

OP posts:
Lynne45 · 09/12/2018 13:44

CF! Just be honest and tell him you can’t buy him a £200 gift in these circumstances.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 13:52

You're making excuses for him being out of work for TEN months OP.

It doesn't matter how 'niche' his line of work is. He needs to get out there and do anything until he can get the job of his particular choice.

Just think how much he could've earned by now if he'd joined an agency for example?

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 13:52

CF CF CF CF CF CF CF OMFG CG Hmm

theDudesmummy · 09/12/2018 14:02

An adult man wants a computer game for Xmas? That would be a dealbreaker for me right there...

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 14:04

An adult man wants a computer game for Xmas? That would be a dealbreaker for me right there...

Why?

recently · 09/12/2018 14:06

A gift should be freely given. Rather than thinking about the money, think about how you feel about giving it. From what you've written it sounds as if you are feeling a bit resentful of the situation at the moment....

BumDisease · 09/12/2018 14:08

"An adult man wants a computer game for Xmas? That would be a dealbreaker for me right there..."

Didn't take long!

GloGirl · 09/12/2018 14:09

It depends on how tight things have been for you, I realise his missing wages will have dented your finances but if it's caused you to tighten your belt and make different choices then he's being a bit cheeky expecting an expensive gift during a lean Christmas. But if money is ok, he's taken on a few extra home management issues and also been battling is poor esteem and health - and your relationship is good and healthy I can understand why he's had similar expectations to last year in spite of the drop in his wages.

I get the impression that is not the back story though!

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