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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty, or is he a CF?

80 replies

sleighbellesring · 09/12/2018 13:22

Between me and my long-term partner, I've always been the higher earner. On average I've spent approx. £200 on Christmas gifts for him each year. He spends around £50 on me, which mirrors our usual financial arrangements as he earns a quarter of my wage.

Cut to this year, he's been out of work for 10 months and not contributing to the mortgage or joint bills. I've also given him around £1500 over this time, to pay his mobile bill/ buy his family presents/ fund travel to job interviews, etc.

I've said that I don't expect him to buy me a gift for Christmas, but he said he wants to, so I made a suggestion for a new book I'd like. He then went on to say that he'd figured out what he would like as his present from me- a VR thing for his PlayStation. I've just looked it up and it's around £200.

Now, I know this is the usual budget, but I can't help but feel like he's taking the piss when things have been tight. So, AIBP, or is he a CF?

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 09/12/2018 15:55

As you've posted about it, you obviously aren't happy. I think he's got a massive fucking cheek asking for such an expensive present given he's not working. Presumably, you're paying for absolutely everything currently? Will he be asking you for money so he can buy your present?

Grobagsforever · 09/12/2018 16:03

Again, WHY DO WOMAN HAVE SUCH LOW STANDARDS

Handsfull13 · 09/12/2018 16:04

Definitely a cheeky fucker.
I'd cut back massively and stop giving him money unless truly necessary. And that's only if you plan on staying with him.

No treats or anything until he can pay his own way. There's a difference between having less money and having no money with hand stretched out.

I'd give him something smaller and if he dares to question it tell him you've got less to spend as you've been paying for everything for so long.

justilou1 · 10/12/2018 04:15

Just pointing out the bleeding obvious, but isn't that something else to do instead of looking for work as well?

KeiTeNgeNge · 10/12/2018 04:26

Scale it back To a £50 present for him

StoppinBy · 10/12/2018 05:00

Do you live together?

I only ask that as I am a bit confused (and assuming that you do) as to why you keep such separate finances with a long time partner?

chardonm · 10/12/2018 05:01

I don't think he is a CF.

chardonm · 10/12/2018 05:02

I can't possibly understand being in such different financial situations when you've been together 15 years. Do you buy nice food for yourself and then let him eat baked beans?

chardonm · 10/12/2018 05:04

Posting again but I'm completely shocked at the consensus here. What is OP to do? Dump the man or cut funds because he has been out of work? Madness. Is that really how loving relationships work?!

kmc1111 · 10/12/2018 05:36

The responses would be wildly different if this was a man posting about weighing the value of a Christmas gift for his partner of 15 years against said partners financial contributions for the year.

It’s not actually easy to just go get a job, any job. If he’s older even getting a crappy entry level min wage job won’t be easy. Add in poor mental health and you’ve got a rough situation. The OP says he’s been going to job interviews, so it’s not like he hasn’t tried. Really unpleasant to call him a cocklodger when he’s been out of work for less than 1yr of a 15yr relationship.

If things are actually tight and £200 isn’t in the budget then just tell him that. If things aren’t that tight and you just resent him, an honest conversation is in order.

pippistrelle · 10/12/2018 05:44

I agree with you, chardonm. If you can't afford it, or if you agree a budget, that's one thing, but presents are surely not about the cost? Sometimes, a small, inexpensive thing can be just perfect. Sometimes, a grand gesture is lovely.

It sounds like your relationship has bigger issues. Maybe you're feeling the pressure of being the sole earner.

Blondebakingmumma · 10/12/2018 05:45

I’m going to go against the grain and say that I would still buy my partner the expensive gift because I enjoy giving to him. However, I would not be at all happy about him being out of work for 10 months. I think the 2 issues are separate.

I understand he may be having trouble finding work because he has an expertise, but, he should get a low level job to pay bills/food while he continues to job hunt

Kisskiss · 10/12/2018 05:49

@kmc1111 don’t think that’s very fair. I’m general the outrage is more that OPs partner has come out and ask her for a 200 quid Christmas present.. when they have been tightening their belts/ she’s been funding everything for a while..
I was made redundant and sitting on my arse for a while.. DH and I agreed to get each other 30 quid limit gifts for Christmas as we were jointly spending less due to my lack of a job..( we still enjoyed Christmas!) he also treated me to a lot more meals out for which I was grateful but I certainly didn’t feel it polite to stretch out my hand and demand anything...
OPs partner seems to be taking her financial support a little for granted and acting as though money just comes from the sky.

AlexaAmbidextra · 10/12/2018 06:01

It’s very selfish of him to be insisting on hanging on for a job to come up in his ‘niche’. He could have been doing seasonal work on an M&S checkout for the past couple of months. Beggars can’t be choosers.

costacoffeecup · 10/12/2018 06:07

Sounds like he needs to get off the bloody PlayStation and find a job for a start. He thinks you're a meal ticket.

OliviaBenson · 10/12/2018 06:10

I dont think a console is going to help his meatball health or job search here. It's also the fact that his expectations haven't changed in spite of his situation.

I'd also be frustrated about the length of time out of work.

DownTownAbbey · 10/12/2018 06:13

I'd bet that his chances of finding work, in his niche or otherwise, drastically reduce once he has a vr upgrade for his PlayStation.

Shadow1234 · 10/12/2018 06:21

I think I would just tell him that the £1500 you have given him over the last 10 months, should count as his next 7 and a half years xmas presents!!!! Definitely a CF!

Angrybird345 · 10/12/2018 06:23

Cf ..... I’d be putting him on warning that he needs to shape up or get out

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 10/12/2018 06:26

The responses would be wildly different if this was a man posting about weighing the value of a Christmas gift for his partner of 15 years against said partners financial contributions for the year.

That’s because in that scenario the woman would likely be contributing by doing all the housework. And not spending her time playing video games.

Jux · 10/12/2018 10:35

Ifyouee, yes, and as men are usually paid more thanwomen for the same job, the OP, being a woman here, would likely be earning even more in a reverse scenario.

OP, if your dh isnot contributing in the form of chores and childcare, and you are doing thos things on top of a ft job, then I think you need to find out how a cleaner would cost etc and budget for it. See how much is left then for gifts

theDudesmummy · 13/12/2018 12:58

I see my response got some negative responses, I suppose I understand why, but personally I would not be remotely interested in a man who spent his time playing computer games (just my view of course). Do some work (voluntary if necessary), make or do something for a charity, clean the house, fix the house, make something for the house, plan and do activities with the children, study, learn a useful skill, there are hundreds of things one could be doing, don't fritter your time away when there are plenty of useful things to be done in this world.

It would not be about the money for me. I am the only earner in my family and that is fine in our specific circumstances, I don't consider it "my" money, it is our family's money. But if he was sitting on his arse playing computer games, well that would be a very different story...

Motoko · 13/12/2018 14:15

People are allowed some downtime, and whether they spend that walking in the countryside, reading a book, or playing a computer game, makes no difference.

Of course, if that's ALL he does (whichever option, not just computer games), then he should do his share. It makes no difference whatever his choice of hobby is, but people always seem to hate computer games.

Candy43 · 13/12/2018 14:19

You guys need to agree a mutual budget. One you BOTH stick to.

If it’s the standard way it happens he’s not really a CF so much as doing what you’ve previously agreed.

Spanglyprincess1 · 13/12/2018 14:24

I'm on mat leave and the horror of mat pay, but ahve bought our house for us to live in. Dp is paying for most of Christmas as I just can't (although usually I'm the main breadwinner by a big margin).
That being said I've scrimped and saved to buy him 100 quid worth of gifts because I love him and appreciate how much he's stepped up.
Your partner could be struggling but he equally could be nice. He could buy you nice bath stuff that's cheap along with book and put it in fancy wrapped switch a soppy note about you deserving a nice night in as you work so hard and are lovely etc.
I've said I want nothing for Christmas and to spend the money on the children as they are more important but dp is refusing. I suspect I'll ask for a boring present like a hoover or baby carrier for D's.

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