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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty, or is he a CF?

80 replies

sleighbellesring · 09/12/2018 13:22

Between me and my long-term partner, I've always been the higher earner. On average I've spent approx. £200 on Christmas gifts for him each year. He spends around £50 on me, which mirrors our usual financial arrangements as he earns a quarter of my wage.

Cut to this year, he's been out of work for 10 months and not contributing to the mortgage or joint bills. I've also given him around £1500 over this time, to pay his mobile bill/ buy his family presents/ fund travel to job interviews, etc.

I've said that I don't expect him to buy me a gift for Christmas, but he said he wants to, so I made a suggestion for a new book I'd like. He then went on to say that he'd figured out what he would like as his present from me- a VR thing for his PlayStation. I've just looked it up and it's around £200.

Now, I know this is the usual budget, but I can't help but feel like he's taking the piss when things have been tight. So, AIBP, or is he a CF?

OP posts:
WilburforceRaven · 09/12/2018 14:10

CF. Just tell him, 'That's more than I can afford this year as things are tight due to your not working.'

Veganfortheanimals · 09/12/2018 14:11

How have you ended up supporting a grown man..?????you are doing for him what I do for my children..(financially obviously).he saw you coming .he dosnt need to work ,or get a better job in the past as he had you taking up the slack..I suppose people can only take advantage if you let them.

HJWT · 09/12/2018 14:12

@sleighbellesring just be truthful, you don't deserve it this year hun sorry...

FrogFairy · 09/12/2018 14:13

A CF and a cocklodger.

If there are work problems in his “niche” then why isn’t he looking to train for a new career and in the meantime taking any job just to bring in some money?

Halloweenallyearround · 09/12/2018 14:17

He should ask his parents for help. He should explain how much you've supported him and can they lend him some money to take you out for dinner and get you a gift.
Don't allow a book to be your gift, even if that's all you need.
I hate gifts - and hate money spent on me, but he should be doing something to show you a big thank you. Sell some of his things on Facebook.
It's not the gift it's the effort

GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/12/2018 14:21

I’m not sure this is about the gift. I think the problem is that you are losing some respect for him. Is he trying as hard as he can to find a new job? It sounds as though you may feel that he is not and that you are starting to worry that this is just the new normal.

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 14:21

Sounds like he’s got a bit too comfortable I’m afraid OP.

If he isn’t already doing the vast majority of housework and chores then I’d be starting the new year with a new distribution of responsibilities. I’d also expect him to find some volunteering or somesuch to keep himself occupied so he doesn’t have a complete CV gap, while he’s looking for work. And as others have said, if he’s struggling to find work in a niche field I’d also expect him to enter the new year with a medium to long term plan about moving sideways into a different field or a related role, with training if necessary.

KurriKurri · 09/12/2018 14:22

Total cheeky fucker. he is allowing for the fact that his circs have changed (ie he has no work so no income) but he hasn't allowed for the fact that your circumstances have changed (he is out of work so you are paying all the bills, subbing him and have less disposable income)

I would tell him that because you are now contributing 100% of the household income, you can't afford £200 and he needs to adjust his expectations. Athough I would seriously consider whether I wanted a future with someone who thinks it is OK for you to go without so he can have a gift, a normal person would suggest some kind of equal arrangement - like no gifts or only small tokens for each other this christmas.

He is letting you do all the work, pay all the bills and he wants all the reward in the form of a big present. Buy him a sign saying 'fuck off sponger' (Probably available from 'Not on The Highstreet' )

WilburforceRaven · 09/12/2018 14:22

So who is doing the housework?

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 14:22

So whilst not earning, or contributing to the mortgage or any house hold bills, he STILL expects a £200 Christmas gift in return for a £15 quid book. Cheeky Bastard Hmm is what he IS.

Jux · 09/12/2018 14:23

So he is a bit too old for his niche profession, and has had 10 months of nursing his woe.

I assume that he knew this was likely to happen. Did he not make plans for when he would be too old?

Regardless, he now needs to pull his socks up and retrain. Can you put the 200 quid towards a training course for him for something he's interested in and won't require 'spring chicken-ness', or does he think you'll now be keeping him in perpetuity? How old is he?

WilburforceRaven · 09/12/2018 14:28

Why does he need to 'retrain'? Why not just take any job going and he pays for his own 'retraining'?

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 14:33

Why does he need to 'retrain'? Why not just take any job going and he pays for his own 'retraining'?

I have to agree Flowers

Chinks123 · 09/12/2018 14:36

What’s wrong with an “adult man” wanting a computer game? That’s not really the issue here is it...Confused

Miscible · 09/12/2018 14:40

Has he tried looking for work outside his normal field?

Pinkprincess1978 · 09/12/2018 14:43

If your normal routine is his gift is 4 times the price of your gift then I'm guessing you should only be spending £40 on him.

Although the whole situation is messed up. I get you paying 4 times as much of the bills if you earn 4x more than him but when it comes to presents you should be equal. Why should he get £200 and you get £50? You should both get £125 spent on you

twoundertwo54321 · 09/12/2018 14:45

He sounds like a little boy wanting his big Christmas present. How ridiculous and selfish. I'm sorry but that would infuriate me.

AltogetherAndrews · 09/12/2018 15:01

I’m going to go against the consensus here.

This is your long term partner, so presumably you love him and regard him as family.
He has been out of work and is struggling with his mental health, and has asked for a gift which costs roughly what you would normally spend. You are not struggling financially, so no reason for him to assume you can’t afford it. Why should the value of a gift to a loved one be measured by their financial worth to you? It’s a weird definition of love.

Kisskiss · 09/12/2018 15:02

CF!!!! He’s taking you and your gravy train for granted...

EvaHarknessRose · 09/12/2018 15:05

Hmm, ‘I’m not going to get you an expensive present because it makes me feel like your mum/its going to lead to an unequal dynamic in our relationship/its going to make me resentful/i think its grabby.’

GhostSauce · 09/12/2018 15:07

That's very rude and cheeky of him.

GhostSauce · 09/12/2018 15:07

P.s-DO NOT MARRY HIM

masterandmargarita · 09/12/2018 15:16

I'm sure getting him a vr thing for his PlayStation will contribute to him finding a job

Jux · 09/12/2018 15:16

What EvaHarkness said.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him about how he envisages the future.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 15:39

I think you need to have a serious talk with him about how he envisages the future

Sat on his arse in front of his PS with his new VR, waiting on OP coming home to make his dinner. Hmm

OP please reconsider the balances in your relationship Lady, you know you deserve better right Flowers