to ask if you are a little bit controlling of your OH?

[sunflower1984]

If you were completely honest?

I don't let my OH wear sandals or flip flops as I can't deal with toes and feet in general.

Does it make me a bad person

Honestly no, because I wouldn’t expect him to do the same to me

It's one thing to dislike and share that you dislike something

Another thing altogether to "not allow" a grown adult to make their own choice over footwear

How far do you go on the "not allowing" it?

No. I don't 'allow' or 'not allow' my DH to do things, nor does he to me. His sister is like this with her DH though. He's not 'allowed' go out on his own. They're both 50.

Last year my DH was going to France for a rugby weekend with a few of his friends. SIL was shocked and told me she "Can't believe you're allowing him to go"
I told her that he's a grown adult and doesn't have to ask for my 'permission' to go somewhere.
Personally I think she (and women like her) are pathetic.

I honestly don't but that's because I made the mistake of doing so with my Exdh and have learnt my lesson with DP

I ended up with Exdh with an emasculated man who was a reflection of myself rather than his own person

It honestly was a growth for me to have an equals relationship with DP and that I couldn't just have my way all the time....its genuinely so much more real

It also helps that when he does something for me which he does a lot it's because he wanted or chose to , not because I was controlling

But yes with Exdh I was way way too cotrollong

No I'm absolutely not at all. My sister is massively with her partner and he's like a broken man most of the time.

I think it does slightly to be honest. I don't think anyone should be telling a partner what they can and can't wear. How would you feel if he told you not to wear a certain kind of clothing/footwear/makeup

My DH wears these god awful beanie hats. He's in his 40s and they look...not great.

But he loves them. So I'd never tell him not to wear them! He's an adult and I fully respect his choices. Even if I don't always like them

No, nor would I stay with a man who thought it was ok to control me.

Of course not, he’s an adult. How on earth could you stop your DH wearing flip flops? My DH lives in them on the beach; it’s a part of his summer going to chose a new pair.

Erm, honestly?
Yes i am controlling. It saddens me because I have to micromanage his life for him.

The first six-seven years we were together was a continuous cycle of him pulling our life apart. I can’t begin to explain how bad it was, but the very crux of it came down to him earning 40k a year, and still taking the PIP I was receiving, we never had food in the house and I spent many days without any electric in a freezing house, often whilst he was out enjoying meals in restaurants with pals from work.

I was quite prepared to walk if there weren’t huge changes. In the past two years I’ve taken control of everything. The few times he ends up with access to 100% of our money, he blows thousands and there’s never anything to show for it.

I sometimes wish I had the bollocks to leave, instead of stick around and fulfil duties like I’m his mother. I have to keep a very close eye on him and what he’s up to, because I know if I take my eye off the ball he will come home with a fucking £4K mountain bike for himself, and we’re still not quite over the last time.

Oh there's no way on earth DH would be allowed on a rugby weekend! Not until he'll freeze over! He's had big drink problems in the past so I wouldn't trust him tbh.

Control has no place in a happy relationship.

My DIL is controlling and we do worry that one day he will blow his stack and run leaving three children behind. She is a lovely woman but has to have her own way about everything, it makes us sad to see him so beaten down. She is insecure both parents dead so we all try to be understanding.

I am controlling.
That applies to everything , people included.
Its who I am. I dont use it to hurt or disadvantage others, so I'm ok with it.

sorry son will blow his stack.

Ant there is something about those hats on older blokes. Can't stand then either. But then I like a warm head so who am I to judge?

My dh sometimes asks WHY I let him out looking so scruffy!

I've only drawn the line at going out with him dressed in some ridiculous ( to my mind) tight sportswear. Just no, not in my company thank you very much.

Not at all, on either side.

I'm anxious and worry a lot which can come out as control as I want to keep everyone safe.
But on things like clothes etc I don't care at all.

Letsmoveondude he was abusing you financially! Quite badly.

Sunflower - you have a problem. You can’t stop another adult going away for a weekend to a rugby event. What are going to do, lock him in the house.

There’s a difference between your partner being ‘allowed’ to go somewhere vs you making your dislike clear and letting them choose. You don’t own the other person.

I'd say I was unhappy about a rugby weekend and explain the drink problem was what made me worry...

How could I not allow it though?

My ex did the not allowing thing to me... "if you do xxx then I promise you I will do xxx" with some form of punishment beyond simply being annoyed or upset. That was abusive.

Get your own secret bank account letsmoveondude

I think it depends how it’s expressed. For example, if he says ‘I’ve bought these sandals and I love them’ and you get in an almighty strop/throw them out/make him take them back that’s bad.

If you’re in a shop and he says ‘what do you think of these sandals?’ And you say ‘nah not keen’ and he doesn’t buy them that probably ok.

I will be very honest and say that I strongly try to put my dh of wearing certain mens fragrances. I have sensory issues around smell and can find scent really difficult. However he still sometimes wears ones I dont like and I try my hardest to tolerate it usually by sitting in another room as realistically I cant stop another human being doing what he wants.