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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you are a little bit controlling of your OH?

100 replies

sunflower1984 · 09/12/2018 12:40

If you were completely honest?

I don't let my OH wear sandals or flip flops as I can't deal with toes and feet in general.

Does it make me a bad person

OP posts:

fibonaccisequins · 09/12/2018 13:43

Oh, he did have the same aftershave as an ex which was kind of weird. I told him, laughingly, one night that I must have a 'type,' and I noticed over the next few months he decided to stop wearing it. I'd never ask though.
It sounds as if trust and alcohol are issues in your relationship OP. Not 'allowing' female friends won't stop him cheating if he wants to. He's an idiot for sending that video to a work colleague.

Hohohonooo · 09/12/2018 13:43

Thread getting deleted in 3...2...1

cardoon · 09/12/2018 13:43

I've just bought my DH a pair of sheepskin slippers - he deserves to have warm feet just as much as I do

SoyaSoy · 09/12/2018 13:43

@sunflower1984 I honestly don't think I could be with someone who I didn't trust to even be friends with a female. I don't think you're being controlling, just have some issues re trust. I know if my DH sent someone a video of him having a wank I would be fully in control of ending our relationship!

Athena51 · 09/12/2018 13:44

No, not at all. He's a grown man and is free to make his own choices. I'd say if I wasn't happy about something though and he would to me.

I left a very controlling marriage after years and I swore that I would never let a partner tell me what to do to make me walk on eggshells ever again. By the same token I would never try to control another person.

Love isn't about forcing someone to behave in the way you require or do what you say. That's controlling and sinister.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 13:45

Then he's a pervy little creep OP and no amount of controlling him will change that.

If what you're saying is true, then bare feet or sandals are the least of your problems.

catmon · 09/12/2018 13:46

Right

JacquesHammer · 09/12/2018 13:47

Who’s that trip-trapping over my bridge

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 09/12/2018 13:47

Erm, I think that's the point at which most of us would've abandoned the relationship OP...

Sixparentsandcounting · 09/12/2018 13:47

I try not to be, but I'm autistic and live by my own little rules, some of which are totally irrational (I always have to have the same pillows and sleep the right way in the bed for example, that kind of thing), and I wouldn't be with my DH if he didn't abide by them where necessary, but that's just a fact, not an ultimatum. Our relationship wouldn't have become a marriage if he'd not been able to flex with my autism, and I've made changes for him too.

DoJo · 09/12/2018 13:49

OP the more you post, the more I think you need to consider whether this relationship is worth it. It sounds like your husband has considerable boundary issues and no thoughts about your feelings or your relationship. 'Needing' to control someone to this extent just to stop them from secually harassing their colleagues or succumbing to alcoholism is more of a carer role than a wife.

DotForShort · 09/12/2018 13:50

Well, that was an almighty dripfeed. Sandals and flipflops aren’t the half of it, evidently.

CrabbityRabbit · 09/12/2018 13:50

Sounds miserable OP. Why stay when you can only tolerate him under the thumb?

BerylStreep · 09/12/2018 13:54

It's the lack of trust that's the killer then. Why are you even with him if the only way of keeping him faithful to you is by 'controlling' him?

I agree, bare feet are the least of your worries.

Wetdressinggownsleeve · 09/12/2018 14:03

Well this escalated quickly..

Sadly I've seen it in real life too often. The man is a cheating lying scumbag who should be thrown back into the rotting pond they crawled out of, and the woman thinks as long as she doesn't let him out, checks his phone everyday and stalks his social media, they are happy as larry

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 09/12/2018 14:04

Your DH sounds like a stroppy teen OP.

WhyAmISoCold · 09/12/2018 14:05

Really OP?

Poodles1980 · 09/12/2018 14:06

Hmm I feel this is a bit hairy handed

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 09/12/2018 14:08

I try not to be because my mum was massively controlling and it wasn’t good growing up. Even now, she’s nearly 80 and tells me all the time what’s good for me and what isn’t. How to dress/wear my hair 😐. I’m guilty of doing this with my son, a bit though I try to remind myself not to.

With DH I wouldn’t dream of doing it. He’s a fully formed adult and is more than capable of choosing his own hairdo/footwear/food/life.

Hoopaloop · 09/12/2018 14:09

I've stopped DH going out with his mates a few times because one of them has a coke habit and I don't want him getting involved.

Loftyswops988 · 09/12/2018 14:09

I feel this post isn't genuine. Or you've addded that massive dripfeed to persuade people to side with you.

You can't tell another adult what they are and aren't 'allowed' to do

BadlyAgedMemes · 09/12/2018 14:14

No, I don't go for the whole "allow" stuff, either. Adults are adults. Obviously we talk about stuff and compromise about what to spend on etc, but it's mutual.

DH does get bad spells of depression, though, and I do feel a bit controlling, when "encouraging" him to keep doing the normal routine stuff, like get up and wash and eat and so on. It feels like nagging sometimes. But he tells me I'm not mean about it, and that it's appreciated, at least once he's got over the effort of struggling to do it and done it.

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2018 14:17

You should have sacked him as well op

BertieBotts · 09/12/2018 14:19

He sounds like a catch

Perhaps if he behaved better you wouldn't feel the need to control him. I don't think controlling somebody is the answer, though. If he's happy to do something as grossly outside normal respectful boundaries as sending a wank video to a female colleague (presumably uninvited, if she complained) then I wouldn't especially trust that my "not allowing" him to have female friends would be a barrier anyway.

If my DH came and said he was going to spend £5k on a bike I'd say hold on, what, why? Can we afford that? Where is this £5k coming from and would it not be more use in the car fund/holiday fund/maternity leave fund? We'd talk about it and decide whether it was a reasonable use of £5k. In our current situation I think we'd both come to an agreement it would not be.

But OTOH because it's too much of a chunk out of our budget at the moment anyway I know he wouldn't seriously suggest that. As a joke perhaps. If he was serious about it then he'd start the conversation with "Would it be okay with you if..." rather than "I'm going to..."

Likewise saying "But I've got that work thing on Tuesday" would be a discussion rather than a controlling thing. We have a sort of blanket rule that whoever arranged theirs/put theirs in the calendar first has first dibs but TBH neither of us go out a huge amount. And if one event is movable and the other is not then we'd probably move things around if we could.

Discussion and respect isn't such a rare thing in a relationship is it? Sad if it is.

MaisyPops · 09/12/2018 14:29

Flip flops, female friends and wanking at work? I must say this thread has it all.

Anyway, I don't control my DH and I wouldn't expect him to control me.

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