AIBU? Have I ruined christmas for my daughter?

[Battler1126]

So.. Here's the short(ish) version. Recently I was getting ready to go out and do some christmas shopping when I recieved a phone call off my mum who was in such a state. Me and my hubby needed to get over to their house asap. I honestly thought someone was dying. We grab all of the stuff we need for the baby and left. When we get there my mum, dad (struggling to call him that now) brother (looking dreadful) and his girlfriend were sat in the front room. So we ask whats going on., obviously worried. My (26 year old) brothers been sacked from his job. He hasn't been turning in on time if at all.. He didn't pay the callout money for that week in at the office, hes in thousands of ££ worth of debt and has spent thousands of ££ savings. He owes money to every tom dick or Harry. Anyway, to cut a VERY long story short, although it's terrible, I was relieved thats all it was. Things can be sorted. He can get help with his gambling addiction and we can pay money back and move on. They then proceed to tell me things have been happening for almost a year and they've been keeping it from me. It's only now hes lost his job that theyre bothering to tell me. I'm still confused as to why I needed to know. I sat with the family and talked through things. Tried to sort stuff out (apparently this is why I had to know, I'm a good mediator and have my head screwed on. That's now changed according to them) When my parents left for work and his girlfriend left me, my hubby (who knows all about addiction) and my brother sat down and talked (we have been very close our whole lives. I practically brought him up) he said things he wouldnt say infront of them. We looked for help with gambling addictions. Found some good stuff to read online. I called the people that he owed money to. Set up payment plans to pay his debt off so when he got himself right he could just pay us back. My dad paid back the money to work for him (they work at the same company) he also paid back the stuff he owed to friends and family. So to help out I sorted the rest. THINKING I was doing what was right. I didn't want them to have to pull out all the money themselves this close to christmas. It halved the burden and stress and could be sorted at a later date. They were wanting to take his phone off him and lock him in a room. I understood they were shocked worried and angry but that wouldnt work. So I reasoned with them. Made it so he could keep his phone. They took any bank cards off him and I made him delete anything he could gamble on off his phone. We agreed that at any time they can ask to see the apps on there to make sure he hasn't got anything on. I also pointed out that in order to build their trust again they would have to let him prove himself. It was a fight but I got there in the end. He had his phone.
Cut to 5 days ago.. Me and my hubby were talking, we realised he obviously hadnt been paying his phone bill and other bits either so I called him (to which he answered the phone straight away, grateful Im the reason he has it). Told him to pick my oldest up from school and come to the house. He came and we asked about the phone bill etc.. He said he hasn't paid them. SOO.. I got him to call EE and tell them the bent truth as to why he hasn't been paying, authorise me to talk about his account and then put me on the phone. I paid his £147.35 bill and arranged to call back on the 12th to pay the next £59.70 so he could use his phone and the bills stopped mounting up. I also called other placed and debt collection agencies and paid some of them off. In total I paid £317. 63. My hubby left for work quickly followed by my brother who went home. So happy some things had been sorted out I rang hubby and talked. We are fully aware this is enabling him and not really teaching him anything but my "parents" wanted it this way. I was just pleased we could help. About an hour after my brother got home I got a txt off HIS dad asking who he owed money to and how much. My brother refused to talk about it with the parents. I rang his dad back and just said dont worry about stuff. We have sorted it. All we wanted him to pay was the biggest one. I told him who it was to and said I would txt the info over to him. He then turns on me like a cut snake. Shouting at me. I'm then being told all of this is my fault. Things being thrown back in my face about things that happened years ago. Being reminded of every £5 I've asked to lend in the past. Dragging up everything he thinks ive done wrong. I'm being shouted at not talked to. Hes telling my that my brother isnt my responsibility (wasn't that when he was living with me when he was younger or I had to stay in as a child to babysit sometimes 3 times a week) he was "TELLING ME" that Im wrong and know nothing about what's happened and I shouldnt have involved myself. Correct me if I'm wrong but I knew nothing about it til they told me. Surely thats them involving me?
Anyway, upset at how the phone call went with him I called my mum. Straight away she was defensive and basically said the same as her husband. She went at me like a mad woman and wouldnt reason with me. Couldnt or wouldnt answer why I was getting the blame and all of the crap to go with it. Told me she refused to talk to me any more about it. Again I was told it was my fault and I brought it on to myself. I don't understand where I went wrong? Now my brother isnt talking to me. I cant understand that either.
So.. We have an xmas tradition that every xmas eve we go out and do something as a family. Them 3 sometimes 4 if brothers girlfriend comes and us (with the baby this year. I was excited about her 1st christmas) we were having christmas day at our house this year.. another 1st I was excited about. My 10 year old is so excited and happy about it but has no Idea that Ive told them not to come. I've been treated like this off them my whole life and ive had enough and im so hurt by whats happened I don't want to see them BUT it's not going to be the same. Especially for my daughter. Im heartbroken for her. I can't sleep. I feel ill and its ruined christmas for me and I know it will for my daughter. I just tried to do whats right. Now they're playing happy families. Going out for drinks and acting like nothings happened and im the one left feeling like this with everyone turning on me. Should I just let it slide for my daughter's sake and let them come here for Xmas?

So, to cut a long story short. Your brother has an addiction. You paid his debts. Your family (and brother) are angry that you enabled him. You've told them not to come for Christmas. Your dd will be disappointed.

You say the issue (for you) is about your dd's disappointment but in fact it sounds like this is a tiny little tip of a whole dysfunctional family iceberg. By focusing on what your dd might do on Christmas Eve instead of the way everyone in your family is behaving (including yourself) you're managing to completely avoid the real issue - how they are treating you compared with how they're treating your brother.

What's really going on here? Is there a pattern of favouritism for baby brother? Is there a pattern of you taking charge and dominating the way things are done? You're the one who uninvited them on Christmas eve so are you sulking? Is this a pattern of yours?

And what do you want to happen now? Do you want everyone to say sorry and have a lovely Christmas together with no real changes to their behaviour or do you want to make real changes in the way you all relate to each other starting now? Or do you feel that nobody can change and you are better cutting contact?

Whatever your answer, that will guide how you deal with your dd.

You're not ruining Christmas for DD, you're guaranteeing that her Christmas isn't affected by addiction and family drama. You've also been disrespected and are probably showing DD that it's ok to stand up for yourself and not tolerate mistreatment. My DS didn't see my DB for the last few years (due to DBs addiction and associated dramas), and DM was not allowed to mention him or related issues. If DM wanted to see DB at Christmas they had their own 'do', as he was not welcome at our house. DS was aware of my DB but was told that DB did things that I didn't agree with and that were bad for the family (at 5 he doesn't need details).
You're not responsible for your DB and are not answerable to DM or DF. You're responsible for DCs, so give them a calm and happy Christmas away from all the b.llsh.t

I have not read all the replies but I believe you instead of deleting gambling apps your brother needs to opt self exclude himself from online gambling.

@haffadonga youre somewhat correct. Yes i uninvited them yes I enabled my brother. Something they have knowingly done for years. If I hadnt of paid they would have. They refuse to let him fall on his face to pick himself up and start again. I eased the brunt of the crap they were going to have to pay out. They aren't exactly rolling in money. It was agreed that after Xmas we would sort it out so they could enjoy it as much as possible under the circumstances. My issue isnt how hes been treated vs how I have. It never has been or would be. Theres a big age gap. Hes the baby. My issue is the ungrateful deflecting behaviour that his dad and my mum are showing towards me and my husband. They are very dysfunctional. Youre right about that. It's always been the same. They do things to benefit themselves. That will NEVER change. As for me taking charge of situations.. Its something I have been forced into my whole life. I was practically his mother for most of his life. They pick and choose how and when to deal with things and never listen to reason or anyone else's opinions. Outsiders (friends or old bf's) have seen it for years. Their issue is with me. Like I said. I've been their scapegoat since I was 3. My issue is I don't want to upset my child because of my problem with them. If it was as simple as what you're making out I wouldn't have had to ask for peoples opinions. I want strangers opinions so theyre not biased. I appreciate what you're saying but the problem is on something like this theres no way to tell the whole story. I understand this makes peoples opinions differ. But there's a common one here and I think I will go with it.

I think some posters are missing the bit where OP says "they've been treating me like crap my whole life" or words to that effect. And that they continue to welcome the gambling, thieving brother into the fold while ostracising OP. They are also enabling him yet criticising her for doing same. Also that she says they treat her like shit when 10yo is present.
Just cut them out. They are clearly not nice people. As others have said, your daughter will thank you ultimately.

@everydaymum thank you so much. It's nice to hear from someone in a similar situation x have a great Christmas x

OP you haven't done anything wrong,I have a brother like yours the difference is he's 15 years older than me so nearly old enough to be my Father but he's always acted like a spoilt brat and I've always had to be the peace maker.

I cut of contact with him and his family 7 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did,my parents constantly enabled his shitty behaviour and tried to force me to have contact with him again but I refused and in the end they excepted that and started to see how truely awful he,his OH and his adult children were.

I don't think you owe anyone an apologie I've read your post that you paid some money of so your parents didn't have to try and find the money to pay it all off.You were looking out for and helping your parents and they need to remember that!

The throwing everything back in your face especially about you looking after your brother when you were both younger is they're Guilt!
They need to own that themselves as uncomfortable as that may be for them they know it's not the norm for a sibling to raise another sibling when both parents are alive and around,that is not on you that is on them!

I wouldn't apologize to them because you have done nothing wrong and speaking from experience sadly it doesn't make the problem go away it just makes it worse and makes people like that value you even less and push you even more.

Does your DH have any family you could see at Christmas or do you have friends or extended family you could see?That could be a nice distraction for you all that or you could start up some new traditions for your family,what ever you do I am sure your oldest DD will have a lovely and happy Christmas.

You explain it to the 10-year-old - you tried to help them all and they've been abusive to you and now your taking a step back while they sort themselves out. Then plan something else for you to do together - you your DH and your children.

Next time they try and draw you in - refused to get involved and repeat I'm sorry but I can't help or that’s unfortunate and change subject. Do not get drawn in - do not offer solutions or advice at most sign post to services that can help but only when directly asked.

If I hadnt of paid they would have. They refuse to let him fall on his face to pick himself up and start again. I eased the brunt of the crap they were going to have to pay out. They aren't exactly rolling in money

You can't contro what they do - if they choose to give him money that's on them and nothing to do with you.

You have paid out money and wasted time and energy that could have gone towards your own children

@winter coat thank you x

It sounds as if you are the go to person when people mess up, you are expected tosort everything out and then they turn on you (a bit like 'shoot the messenger')

I would stop now - your brother is old enough to sort his own problems and he needs to do that and get himself some help for his gambling. Please don't get involved in paying off his debts as this could go bad for you (I speak as having been married to a gambler and when we divorced I was left to pay of a load of his debts that he'd put in my name).

You are right these people are treating you like crap, and as a life lesson it will be better for your DD to learn that people can't treat you badly and then things go on as normal, at some point you have to take a stand.

I would explain to your DD now (so she still has abit of time to get over her disappointment) that plans have changed. Either offer her a revised plan - a Christmas Eve treat, a panto trip, a new kind of celebration that will be your special family tradition. Or ask her what she would like to do instead to start a tradition for her and her new sister.
Does your DP/DH have any family nearby who could come over on Christmas day if she likes the idea of having family at the house ?

But the time has come to put your foot down and look after yourself and your family unit.

As an aside why do people come on a thread and say 'sorry couldn't read all that' or 'OK' or 'no, can't understand it' or any of the other stupid comments ? - If you can't grasp the OP (and actually you all can but are making a snidey dig at the lack of paragraphs - so what ?, it isn't hard to read) then move along, you don't need to comment and make yourselves look even sillier than you are.

@ohtheholidays thanks for understanding. I appreciate your response x

@kurrikurri Thanks for your response. It's really appreciated. As for the lack of paragraphs or if theres any spelling mistakes I do apologise. I was playing with my 9month old when I was typing it out x

Start planning your new style Christmas involving your DD10 now and jnvolce her in the planning.

Books a panto for Boxing Day or similar. The suggestion about getting her to prepare stuff for the baby is a good one.

The sooner she knows the sooner she adapts as kids do. Get her to tell you what she would like to.do.

I'd leave them all to it.

Spend Christmas Eve at a pantomime. Create a new tradition. They know where you are. You have all infantised your grown adult brother and as far as I can see he's done absolutely nothing to get out of this mess and then gone running to mummy and daddy. He's been quite happy to sit back whilst you all scurry around after him cleaning up his mess. And after spending over £300 paying off yet another debt for him he's the one who has fallen out with you?!!
Sod that. He needs to grow up.

Concentrate on your child and enjoy your Christmas.

@shalomjackie thank you. That's a great idea x

@bringbacksideburns thanks I appreciate it x

Is anybody paying you back? Your money seems very welcome.
I'm shocked at how awful they've been to you.
Christmas isn't ruined just different this year. They really have some hard apologies to offer you. Couldn't wait to involve you and now you are the villain?

@bluejag I don't want the money back. I just want my brother to get better and my kids and hubby to be happy. I'm glad you can see how im feeling about being involved and turned on though. Thank you x

Bit confused by all the ins and outs but haven't your parents bailed your brother out too by paying off his work?
When you say HIS dad is that also your dad who you are now disowning? If so don't be that person and contribute to the meanness, everyone is stressed and doing their best BUT it does sound like your brother is getting off scot free. How do you know he will ever pay you back for what you are spending on him? Are you prepared for that not to happen?

Honestly I think you have overstepped. They told you about the problem, but that isn't giving you permission to wade in. They didn't ask you to pay off your brother's debts, and you didn't check with them what they wanted before doing so.

Basically you want them to be grateful for 'help' that they didn't ask for, that they don't want, and that will be detrimental to your brother getting over this.

Maybe look at your own behaviour, your desire to be the 'saviour' for your brother, and see if you can see where they are coming from.

Then apologise, make it clear you will get on board with being a team when it comes to dealing with your brother and talk to them, and see if Christmas can be salvaged.

@moaningsickness I think its pretty clear you haven't read the whole thread. As I have explained to others, it was agreed we would stick with what they want and sort it all out after Christmas as they don't agree with how we would have dealt with it. They wouldn't listen to whats best for him even though we know what is. The thing is they asked for help but wouldnt have been happy with any help I gave. Yes i do expect someone to be grateful for help ESPECIALLY when its asked for. I don't owe anyone an apology. I have been mistreated. They are using me to deflect from what the real issue is. Like I have stated before, paying his debt isnt really the right thing to do but THEY WERE DOING IT ANYWAY. So nothing I have done would change my brother better or not. I'm sure asking me to help them as they couldn't talk to him or get anything out of him and they knew I could. They also told me they were worried about finding the money to pay everything back. Hence the reason I paid SOME of his debts off. So me "wading in" was because I was brought into it. I didn't ask for any of this. Anyway like I have also stated before, my brother isnt the issue im asking about. The issue is my 10 year old. The rest is to explain why I made the decision. Thanks for your input though. I would have found it more helpful if you actually read a little bit more. :)

About an hour after my brother got home I got a txt off HIS dad asking who he owed money to and how much. My brother refused to talk about it with the parents. I rang his dad back and just said dont worry about stuff. We have sorted it. All we wanted him to pay was the biggest one. I told him who it was to and said I would txt the info over to him. He then turns on me like a cut snake

OP, is it possible that your parents aren’t actually angry that you’ve enabled you’re brother & are using this as an excuse when actually what they’re really angry about is that that you want him to pay the biggest one?

Your parents & brother only turned on you after you said this, is it possible that the reason they told you is because all 3 were expecting you to pay everything off?

Just find it odd that they’re angry at you for sticking your nose in & enabling him when they involved you in the first place & have also paid some of his debts off. It would also explain why your brother isn’t talking to you either.

@tinker I hadnt actually thought about it like that. I'm sure it is possible. Thanks for giving me a different view on it x

@jennyholzersghost thanks for that.. soz about the hubby thing. I wrote it a couple of times to my DH and now it automatically changes it. Lol. I just don't like the DH thing.