AIBU? Have I ruined christmas for my daughter?

[Battler1126]

So.. Here's the short(ish) version. Recently I was getting ready to go out and do some christmas shopping when I recieved a phone call off my mum who was in such a state. Me and my hubby needed to get over to their house asap. I honestly thought someone was dying. We grab all of the stuff we need for the baby and left. When we get there my mum, dad (struggling to call him that now) brother (looking dreadful) and his girlfriend were sat in the front room. So we ask whats going on., obviously worried. My (26 year old) brothers been sacked from his job. He hasn't been turning in on time if at all.. He didn't pay the callout money for that week in at the office, hes in thousands of ££ worth of debt and has spent thousands of ££ savings. He owes money to every tom dick or Harry. Anyway, to cut a VERY long story short, although it's terrible, I was relieved thats all it was. Things can be sorted. He can get help with his gambling addiction and we can pay money back and move on. They then proceed to tell me things have been happening for almost a year and they've been keeping it from me. It's only now hes lost his job that theyre bothering to tell me. I'm still confused as to why I needed to know. I sat with the family and talked through things. Tried to sort stuff out (apparently this is why I had to know, I'm a good mediator and have my head screwed on. That's now changed according to them) When my parents left for work and his girlfriend left me, my hubby (who knows all about addiction) and my brother sat down and talked (we have been very close our whole lives. I practically brought him up) he said things he wouldnt say infront of them. We looked for help with gambling addictions. Found some good stuff to read online. I called the people that he owed money to. Set up payment plans to pay his debt off so when he got himself right he could just pay us back. My dad paid back the money to work for him (they work at the same company) he also paid back the stuff he owed to friends and family. So to help out I sorted the rest. THINKING I was doing what was right. I didn't want them to have to pull out all the money themselves this close to christmas. It halved the burden and stress and could be sorted at a later date. They were wanting to take his phone off him and lock him in a room. I understood they were shocked worried and angry but that wouldnt work. So I reasoned with them. Made it so he could keep his phone. They took any bank cards off him and I made him delete anything he could gamble on off his phone. We agreed that at any time they can ask to see the apps on there to make sure he hasn't got anything on. I also pointed out that in order to build their trust again they would have to let him prove himself. It was a fight but I got there in the end. He had his phone.
Cut to 5 days ago.. Me and my hubby were talking, we realised he obviously hadnt been paying his phone bill and other bits either so I called him (to which he answered the phone straight away, grateful Im the reason he has it). Told him to pick my oldest up from school and come to the house. He came and we asked about the phone bill etc.. He said he hasn't paid them. SOO.. I got him to call EE and tell them the bent truth as to why he hasn't been paying, authorise me to talk about his account and then put me on the phone. I paid his £147.35 bill and arranged to call back on the 12th to pay the next £59.70 so he could use his phone and the bills stopped mounting up. I also called other placed and debt collection agencies and paid some of them off. In total I paid £317. 63. My hubby left for work quickly followed by my brother who went home. So happy some things had been sorted out I rang hubby and talked. We are fully aware this is enabling him and not really teaching him anything but my "parents" wanted it this way. I was just pleased we could help. About an hour after my brother got home I got a txt off HIS dad asking who he owed money to and how much. My brother refused to talk about it with the parents. I rang his dad back and just said dont worry about stuff. We have sorted it. All we wanted him to pay was the biggest one. I told him who it was to and said I would txt the info over to him. He then turns on me like a cut snake. Shouting at me. I'm then being told all of this is my fault. Things being thrown back in my face about things that happened years ago. Being reminded of every £5 I've asked to lend in the past. Dragging up everything he thinks ive done wrong. I'm being shouted at not talked to. Hes telling my that my brother isnt my responsibility (wasn't that when he was living with me when he was younger or I had to stay in as a child to babysit sometimes 3 times a week) he was "TELLING ME" that Im wrong and know nothing about what's happened and I shouldnt have involved myself. Correct me if I'm wrong but I knew nothing about it til they told me. Surely thats them involving me?
Anyway, upset at how the phone call went with him I called my mum. Straight away she was defensive and basically said the same as her husband. She went at me like a mad woman and wouldnt reason with me. Couldnt or wouldnt answer why I was getting the blame and all of the crap to go with it. Told me she refused to talk to me any more about it. Again I was told it was my fault and I brought it on to myself. I don't understand where I went wrong? Now my brother isnt talking to me. I cant understand that either.
So.. We have an xmas tradition that every xmas eve we go out and do something as a family. Them 3 sometimes 4 if brothers girlfriend comes and us (with the baby this year. I was excited about her 1st christmas) we were having christmas day at our house this year.. another 1st I was excited about. My 10 year old is so excited and happy about it but has no Idea that Ive told them not to come. I've been treated like this off them my whole life and ive had enough and im so hurt by whats happened I don't want to see them BUT it's not going to be the same. Especially for my daughter. Im heartbroken for her. I can't sleep. I feel ill and its ruined christmas for me and I know it will for my daughter. I just tried to do whats right. Now they're playing happy families. Going out for drinks and acting like nothings happened and im the one left feeling like this with everyone turning on me. Should I just let it slide for my daughter's sake and let them come here for Xmas?

Sweetie it sounds like you have been used as the default adult left, right and centre, and when it suits them, the kicking boy. They’re all miserable and broke because of their own decisions, and you and your husband are successfully adulting away - probably not on a tropical island drinking mojitos, but in a situation that is just successful enough for them to compare themselves negatively to you and be resentful. They’re not going to see the hard work you put in to being where you’re at, or the sacrifices you’ve made to get there - or indeed the sacrifices you’ve made to enable them to continue to piss their choices up against the wall. You need to stop now, respect your own family unit first and let them deal with the consequences of their actions.

There must be more to this but I appreciate it’s often hard to see anything other than our own side.
They wouldn’t turn on you for no reason so they must perceive the help you have him in another way. That said you are hurting despite having good intentions and that is wrong.
The whole family sounds a bit over invested in it all and your brother sounds passive and pathetic and willing to watch everyone fight over helping him out. IMHO the blame lies on his shoulders.

Best thing you can do is step away for now. Don’t contact them or listen to their complaints. Plan a wonderful festive season with your DH and DD and do something new this year- visit a market or eat Xmas lunch in your pyjamas etc. She will only be sad if she picks up on your upset- kids want much less than we thing they do but they do always want us to be happy and relaxed.

It sounds as though you're still paying his phone bills..if so, stop it. He can get himself a £15 pm. jobbie from Tesco. It's lucky you had spare money to pay off all his debts isn't it? But NO MORE. Hopefully they'll come to you with apologies and get back on track for Christmas; if not, go somewhere, do something special for DD.

I'm with Bumbelybum on this.

It doesn't sound like your parents normally act like this. If they do then maybe you need to think about stepping back but if they don't then you need to give them another chance.

They have been dealing with your DB alone (rightly or wrongly) for the past year. It's all come to a head as he's been fired. They are stressed, angry, worried etc. they had probably told him that they were not bailing him out anymore and then he manipulated you (you wouldn't have even seen it happening) into paying for his phone bill. They should have led with that though if it was the case instead of ranting at you.

We all get angry sometimes. Sometimes we get angry with the wrong person because being angry at the correct person gets us nowhere.

Call to them and let them explain. They won't want to lose contact with you and their DGD's especially at this time of year but I would think it sounds like they may not be coping very well with it all and took it out in the wrong person.

Tl;dr version: your brother is a gambling addict who has run through a bunch of other people’s money and is now running through your money. Other members of your family are shouty drama llamas. You have been cast in the role of saviour/scapegoat so everything that happens is either a problem for you to fix or your fault (or both). And you want your daughter to be spending her Christmas around these people ?!

Oh and ‘hubby’ 🤮

I think everyone has said most of what I's say. I just want to add. Block all their phone numbers over the Christmas holiday, relax and concentrate on your own children and Dh, and have a good time without them. They are using you as the scapegoat. If you don't stop trying to fix everyone and everything they will drag you and your children down with them.

Christ that was epic.
Can't see what you've done wrong and all your daughter will be missing out on is aggro from what I read.
Forget about it and do your own Christmas thing.

It sounds to me as if your parents have parentified you when you were a kid, and you're still very attached to and proud of that identity as a coper and a manager, and you need practice at disengaging and letting your brother make his own messes. I wonder if you would benefit from talking to one of the gambling charities? At least they would be able to give you advice on how to best help your brother (bearing in mind that there's no guarantee he's going to stop gambling even now that he's got in trouble) and to establish healthy boundaries between you and your brother, and you and your parents.

Regarding the ruined Christmas - I mean, IMO, you should let Christmas be ruined for your brother (who needs to feel the pain of his actions if he's ever going to stop it) and be glad that you're relatively clear of the blast, so to speak. Your DD doesn't know what Christmas is about, not at that age, and won't be disappointed. I think you are confusing her feelings with your own. Such unboundaried thinking is not uncommon in people who've been emotionally neglected (which I would suggest you were, as you were parentified and made responsible for your brother at a young age) and I'm guessing that you may also feel that the idea of your DD being hurt makes your complaint more legitimate - you don't feel able to claim that their behaviour is out of order based on how you feel about it alone. I think, be angry at them on your own account.

Christmas changes when you have a baby. It now revolves around the little one. Let them come, but make sure they know it is your house, your rules and have a taxi company on speed dial.

Nicely summed up Jenny.

Stop bailing your brother out. He's an adult and you're treating him like a child. Advise him, give him debt helpline numbers but the rest is up to him.

Your mum and stepdad sound very childish too. They're the type to let their emotions rule over fact and logic and lash out when their bubble is burst. Distance and boundaries need to be put in place.

Don't get sucked into their dramas. Make your relationship with them be on your terms and only give what is right for you.

kim8

Christmas changes when you have a baby. It now revolves around the little one

The OP's eldest dd is 10. So many people missed this despite OP repeating in kater post it's the 10 year old she is concerned about.

No, you haven't ruined Xmas for your daughter.
Have a lovely Xmas at home with her. Don't indulge your family's behaviour by having Xmas day with them. They dragged you into this and then make you the bad guy. Eh, no.
Agree with PPs-stop enabling your brother and bailing him out. He needs to grow up and your parents need to stop blaming you.

Have a lovely, calm, drama-free Xmas at home.

@Molokai thanks for picking up on this.

I do really appreciate everyone's opinions.

I do just want to point out again that;

1. It's my 10 year old Im concerned about
2. I'm aware that paying the bills wasnt going to help my brother but they would have been paid anyway.
3. My parents asked me for help but didnt specify what help they wanted.
4. I know my brothers addiction is a problem and want to do everything I can do to help properly.
5. This isn't about me. It's about my family and children and whats best for them.

I do agree with 99% of what people are saying. I really appreciate it.

If you tell your child about the change of plan now, it will be ancient history by the time Christmas arrives.

If your priority is having your family around at Christmas then you need to apologise. You shouldn't have interfered. Your brother isn't your child regardless of how much input you had when he was younger.
Perhaps the reason they didn't tell you about all of this for a year was because they knew you would swoop in and undermine what they were trying to do, and they didn't want that.

@Jessicajonesjacket they involved me. I never had to know. I haven't done anything they weren't doing anyway. I don't really agree with how things are being handled but I'm doing what they wanted and thanked me for when we initially spoke. I haven't interfered ive done what I thought was helping. I understand that might not be the case but to deflect off any wrongdoing on my brothers behalf its all been made about me and any mistakes ive ever made.

It's not about me it's about getting him help. But the question wasnt about that. It was part of the back story of why christmas wont be the same for my 10 year old and if it was a valid reason not to have them here.

Just tell her that you have different plans this year. Do you have other family or friends you could visit during the week?

Well if you're happy they're not there then the back story is irrelevant. If your priority is your DD's Christmas then either create new traditions or apologise. You don't get to control how your parents and brother reacted to your actions regardless of your intentions.

I have a friend who enables a family member similarly. She is terrified of what will happen if she doesn't; she's "too kind" to let them hit rock bottom; she fears what will happen to the family member if she does; she feels that whatever happens will be her responsibility because she could have stepped in and stopped it...

But it isn't helping anyone. 5 years down the line, the family member's situation is worse - all of their own making. They are ungrateful for the support they receive; have shouted at my friend that they are not doing enough to help...

The level of entitlement; lack of gratitude and the obvious negative impact on my friend is appalling.

My friend is right, the short term wouldn't be pretty if they were allowed to hit rock bottom but, at that point, they would be forced to make some pretty significant changes and grow up.

At the moment, there is no end in sight.

Stop enabling him.

I know my brothers addiction is a problem and want to do everything I can do to help properly.

Step away then.

Provide them with contacts for support - gambling support groups; debt advice agencies and then walk away. When you're asked for help, provide it again and walk away.

Whilst you are bailing him out this will not change because it doesn't need to. It is sorted as far as he are concerned.

Battler you have a dysfunctional family. There are no normal interactions and there are huge issues with when they communicate, but more importantly how. Either you're conditioned to try and second guess them because of the way you've been brought up, or your communication is a screwed as theirs is.

What's done is done. You've paid the bills. You thought that was what they wanted you to do, now you've done it you find it wasn't (or it was at the time but they've changed their mind). Take a step back and stop trying to be the rescuer. You'll be wrong whatever you do, so you may as well not get involved.

It won't ruin your DD's Christmas if they're not there, she'll be temporarily disappointed but there'll be a lot more disappointment for her in the future if you don't start dealing with these people differently.

They will be back, family like that always comes back. Keep your distance and form a new tradition. Your priority is your nuclear family, not the extension and then comes the rest. Keep your distance and get on with your life, they'll return then you can decide how you want to move forward.

It's my 10 year old Im concerned about

Can't believe I'm about to suggest this but please think about a new tradition in which your 10 year old spends Christmas Eve (or whenever) preparing a Christmas Box for her baby sister (and the familY).

Maybe she dresses up to present the box? Maybe she knocks and leaves the box and sneaks in through the back to be surprised as you all find and open the box?

A fairly-involved project in which she plays a starring role.

@jessicaonesjacket im not trying to control how they react. The point is, the way they reacted has been the cause of the problem im facing about Christmas for my daughter. If it was just down to me I would walk away. I've had enough of being the scapegoat for them. It's gone on my whole life. I know they will throw it out there Im using my children as a weapon just because I don't want them here at christmas. I'm not stopping my oldest seein them. It's her decision. They aren't the same with her as they are me. I'm not happy with not having them here but I dont want them to be the way they are with me around my kids. Especially at christmas. I can see youre going to try and pick me apart. The top and bottom of the whole thing is.. my brother is a gambler and a thief and needs help. They wont listen to what the right help is (as ive stated before, my hubby is a recovering addict and knows what to do in this situation) They asked for help. I gave it.. the kind they wanted.. doing things their way. Hes not my son.. They decided it wasn't right. They turned on me and now his wrongdoings are being swept under the rug and its all about how im wrong and all the wrongs they think ive done in my life. I did what I thought was right and will accept that it wasn't but I dont deserve the lack of respect im getting. Also I'm worried about how this will all affect my daughter. Shes old enough to understand and shes soft hearted. I don't want to upset her but I don't want my kids in an unhealthy environment.

@arranbubonicplague thats an awesome idea. Thank you :)