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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or are the school?

134 replies

mummy207 · 07/12/2018 17:20

Have had a phonecall this afternoon from DS school to say that he could be in very serious trouble and facing a day isolation as he said to a teacher to "add him on snapchat". The lady who phoned (pastoral support) said that he might be in isolation but I will be hearing from the head of year (still not happened?) and I need to have a serious chat with him about boundaries as this is totally unacceptable.

Now I get the chat about boundaries which I have done when DS came in, but he says he was just joking and it was stupid but there was nothing to it and the teacher didn't even react badly at the time she just laughed and said no! So I am very surprised school have rung me and said this, AIBU to say to the school that I think isolation would be unacceptable for this (small) mistake he has made? Or am I missing something and this is an isolation offence? Not sure if anyone who works in a school can advise whether this would be the usual punishment for this sort of thing!

OP posts:
mistywoods · 07/12/2018 18:42

I don't know why people think there's more to it. Sounds like a normal, jokey chat to me. YANBU op

Knittink · 07/12/2018 18:44

don't know why people think there's more to it. Sounds like a normal, jokey chat to me. YANBU op

People think there's more to it because the school is very unlikely to put him in isolation for just saying 'add me on Snapchat'. I would bet that there was more to this 'banter' than that one remark.

SilverApples · 07/12/2018 18:44

There’s been a whole flurry of threads about children at secondary infringing rules and the parent being puzzled or annoyed. Is is a trend I’m missing, or do they need to get together and form a mutual support group to mop up tears and compose annoyed emails to school?

Anasnake · 07/12/2018 18:47

What exactly was the 'banter' ?

Louiselouie0890 · 07/12/2018 18:47

It doesn't sound like banter. Sounds like he doesnt really understand why it was unacceptable. I wouldn't like to thi k he was flirting with her. Sounds like the school has a no tolerance policy and I dont blame them

mistywoods · 07/12/2018 18:47

then they would have said so on the phone

Louiselouie0890 · 07/12/2018 18:47

Sorry would like to think he wasn't flirting. What a time to type wrong

IamSusan · 07/12/2018 18:48

it sounds like the teacher is being extremely careful, and I can't blame her. It might sound like an over-reaction, but the school is probably just setting up the tone of what is appropriate and making a point. A day isolation at 15 is not a big deal, and it's a good warning to a nice young lad that he must check every word he says to a female. The teacher is completely right, but he will also deal with some hysteria at work or in the real world, so good lesson.

GrammarTeacher · 07/12/2018 18:50

He shouldn't be 'bantering' with his teacher.

Grannyannex · 07/12/2018 18:50

It’s just about boundaries. The teacher was probably just logged it as a formality

anniehm · 07/12/2018 18:54

Sounds like the teacher interpreted it as flirting, it's not always what was said but how it was said. Hopefully they can suitably reprimand without blowing it out of proportion

Original poster
mummy207 · 07/12/2018 19:10

@feefee I have no idea if the school have had a problem with social media between students and staff - not that i would think! Nor do I think for a moment that my son would actually want a teacher looking at his social media! i certainly don't have his snapchat. And to those asking what he wanted to show her - again I don't think he actually did, it was just a joke he said because she was asking what they were doing.

As you suggest he could have been trying to flirt in which case I'm really embarrassed for him, but i have had a word about how inappropriate it was even though it was banter, and obviously have put a massive flea in his ear about never doing this again! However I still personally think if they do isolate him it's a bit harsh. A whole day missing lessons for one remark!

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 07/12/2018 19:13

Sounds just like my eldest son when he was 15.

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2018 19:14

So it’s ok to make a racist or sexist or homophobic remark? Or is this different as it was “just banter”?
TBH the only people I ever hear using the word “banter” are using it to minimise their twattish behaviour.
Maybe he should start focusing on the work he is supposed to be doing at school and not messing about.
Support the school. Get him to wind his neck in.

Haffdonga · 07/12/2018 19:17

She didn't say anything else had happened which surely she would have if more had happened?

There probably isn't anything more to say because this member of staff was reporting it second hand. But we all know that the same comment said by a male to a female can be entirely innocent or verging on creepy and sexually aggressive.

Your ds: Hey Miss, guess what I'm doing at the weekend! I'm in the final of XYZ. Do you want to know if I win? Add me to snapchat coz I'll show you.

OR

Your ds: Hey Miss, guess what I'm doing at the weekend! [Snigger] Wouldn't you like to know? [Haha. Nudge wink] Hey, add me to snapchat and I'll show you. [leer]

Come on, OP. You've got to accept that the teacher wouldn't have taken any further action unless your ds was being inappropriate.

namechangedtoday15 · 07/12/2018 19:18

It really isn't harsh. He really overstepped the boundaries whether you think it was banter or not. His "banter" put the teacher in a position that potentially could compromise her professional integrity. Hes 15 so old enough to understand what he was doing. You should surely see that as a parent?

MaisyPops · 07/12/2018 19:21

School are absolutely right.

No teenager should be suggesting members of staff should add them on social media banter or no banter.

If done in front of other peers it is deliberately putting a member of staff in an awkward situation. Equally if it's perceived as being flirtatious then that's even more inappropriate.

pinkstripeycat · 07/12/2018 19:22

If the teacher was offended then she is a total snowflake. The school definitely sound snowflakey. A 15 year old boy whether flirting or not is not some sort of pervert and the school sound as though they are making him out to be with this 'inappropriate comment". If a female teacher can't handle and is offended by a bit of banter from a boy of 15 she shouldn't be a teacher. Boys of this age use a lot worse language among themselves and if she hears any of this then there is no hope for her!

MaisyPops · 07/12/2018 19:26

It's not about being offended or a snowflake. It's not appropriate for a teenager to be like that with a member of staff. It's as simple as that.

namechangedtoday15 · 07/12/2018 19:31

@pinkstripeycat I doubt she was offended, she was obviously concerned about boundaries and knew this was inappropriate. That makes her a great teacher.

Original poster
mummy207 · 07/12/2018 19:34

@haffdonga not sure I agree that it would have been either one or the other of these as i don't think it was either. He said SHE was asking him and his mates / table what they were doing at weekend! They said what they were doing and then he "bantered" add me on snapchat and you can see...
I cannot imagine my son leering at a teacher.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/12/2018 19:34

@pinkstripeycat
If she can’t handle a bit of banter? WTAF?
Boys having a conversation between themselves and using inappropriate language is one thing. But for a teen boy to make suggestive banter to a teacher? Completely inappropriate.
If you don’t know that I’m hoping you don’t have sons.

Original poster
mummy207 · 07/12/2018 19:36

Also if she was offended or thought it was serious i don't understand why she didnt tell him at the time he was being inappropriate! Surely she should have said "No 'ds name', that's really inappropriate' or asked to speak to him outside and explain it's inappropriate. It seems an OTT punishment since he says she actually laughed at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy207 · 07/12/2018 19:36

Also for people saying this is sexual etc... how? he wasn't suggesting anything sexual!

OP posts:
Anasnake · 07/12/2018 19:37

I suspect the teacher's version of events is a little different