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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take responsibility for the Christmas tree getting trashed

86 replies

Weinachten · 06/12/2018 15:14

I live about 7 hrs drive away from my parents with my 3 children (including a 15 month old) and my DH.

My brother lives on his own about 10 mins from my mum and dad and traditionally we all and stay at my parents for the Christmas / New Year period.

We moved house recently (still 7 hrs from my parents) and as we now had plenty of room (and a 15 month old + DS6 and DS8) we thought it would be nice for them all to come to us for Christmas. My mum declined saying it wasn’t fair to ask my brother to travel all that way and so to keep the peace, we reluctantly agreed to keep up the tradition and go to theirs.

I’m now thinking about all the hassle of traveling there, the baby sleeping in a travel cot (which is now too small for him) in our room... and all so that my brother doesn’t have to travel!!

I also know that the baby will be into everything - pulljng at decorations, grabbing at the Christmas tree and I’ll probably be super grumpy as he won’t sleep in the cot etc.

So please talk me out of being a stroppy teenager and saying ‘they (ie my parents) wanted Christmas there, they’re responsible for making sure the baby doesn’t attack the Christmas tree / decorations etc.

Finally would it be unreasonable to lay down a marker now saying we’re doing Christmas at home next year - and they’re all welcome to join or not as they please.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 06/12/2018 15:21

Why is it not fair for your brother to travel but fine for you to travel with young kids?

SantyClaws · 06/12/2018 15:23

Yeah - what she said ^

steppemum · 06/12/2018 15:26

Starting with the second question.
if it is all agreed for this year, then you are stuck. But I would be saying very clearly, we are going to do Christmas at our house from next year. You are welcome to join us, but we are not goign anywhere.

Why didn't you challenge your mum and say - we always travell with the kids, why can't he travel? I would still go bakc and say this to her actually.

Your first question, I think it would be fine to go bakc to your mum and say - baby is crawling and will trash the tree, and the presents and ..... so please can you make the decorations safe for the baby.
Or...how about this - why don;t you come to ours??

sackrifice · 06/12/2018 15:28

Is he Golden Boy?

onalongsabbatical · 06/12/2018 15:29

I don't think it's remotely too late to say actually we've decided to stay home, it's far too much travelling with all the children. Then offer for them to join you or not, up to them. Seriously. You don't have to do this.

Original poster
Weinachten · 06/12/2018 15:31

I have no idea! I guess it’s tradition... and they like the idea of the grandchildren going to theirs for Christmas. He’s also a bit of a golden child - although has had some mental health issues in the dim and distant past, and I think my parents still treat him a bit like a child.

He has a very successful career though and frequently travels to London for work (about an hr from us) yet has never once come to visit. My parents still cast up to me the time he was in London for some exams and I said I would come and see him between the 2 school runs - but would have to be in X place and I could only stay for about 90 mins. He said not to bother and somehow it’s me who doesn’t make the effort to see him!

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 06/12/2018 15:32

Wow, why is your brother so precious?

Justmuddlingalong · 06/12/2018 15:34

Time to start your own traditions.

ShalomJackie · 06/12/2018 15:35

How about saying that you are not going this year?

If they ask why say it is not fair for 3 children to travel that far in the same way it is not fair for your adult brother to have to travel.

Original poster
Weinachten · 06/12/2018 15:37

Sorry - cross posted with a couple - but I think they also know in the end I will travel whereas if he doesn’t want to he will not - and they will be stuck in the middle (and I will be the bad guy).

OP posts:
tenbob · 06/12/2018 15:38

Can't you speak directly to your brother and see if he actually does mind travelling, as it seems to be your mum putting words in his mouth?

The journey for you all is going to be far more inconvenient than for him, surely?

Original poster
Weinachten · 06/12/2018 15:39

... however - given I have agreed to go - I need to be a grown up when I’m there don’t I??? Next year can then be a new start!!

Or can I be a stroppy teenager, and say I knew that would happen when it all goes wrong? 😂.

OP posts:
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 06/12/2018 15:43

No, you're responsible for the baby, regardless. Honestly, I'd tell them I wasn't going to travel this year; it'll be far easier for you at home with three kids.

PuppyMonkey · 06/12/2018 15:43

Your poor brother. Asking him to travel all that way for you to host him. How could you be so awful OP, of course it’s only fair that you and your 700 kids and DP should travel to them instead.Grin

I wouldn’t say anything about the Christmas tree, just sit with a glass of Bailey’s and pretend you’re too exhausted from all the travel to notice the kids getting up to no good. Wink

onalongsabbatical · 06/12/2018 15:45

however - given I have agreed to go - I need to be a grown up when I’m there don’t I???
No. Surely being a grown-up is standing up to them and saying why do you think it's ok for me to travel with three children and not for you guys to come here for a flipping change? I mean they're not seeing that you are a grown-up with your own family now, are they?

Justmuddlingalong · 06/12/2018 15:45

You can change your mind, you know. Your a mum of 3 and don't fancy the journey down, with the wee ones. Your mum may like tradition but when do you and your family get to start your own? Tell them your staying at home, but they're more than welcome to join you. If they decide to stay at home, that's their decision, just like your decision to stay at your home.

Snowwontbelong · 06/12/2018 15:50

If he is such a self centred knob will he even socialise with you all? Better keep your dc happy than the higher strung db imo.
Stay home.
Offer up invites.
Stuff the ones who don't show.

mytieisascarf · 06/12/2018 15:52

I honestly wouldn't have agreed to go. The utter entitlement of expecting me and my family to traipse all of our shit that we need on a 7 hour journey when an able-bodied, adult man is deemed as incapable of doing the trip would stick in my craw! Unless your parents have already bought all the food required for Christmas lunch, I'd be tempted to cancel. It's pretty shit on your kids to have to travel so far and not get a full Christmas at home.

If not this year - then DEFO do not go next year.

ChasedByBees · 06/12/2018 15:57

It’s not too late to say you’ve reconsidered and it’s too much. It’s absolutely what I’d do.

BewareOfDragons · 06/12/2018 15:58

I would tell your parents you're staying home and celebrating Christmas in your own home. They are welcome to join you if they like.

When they complain, and they will, tell them that they're being quite unfair and favouring your brother over you and your family, and you've had enough. They can come to you, or they can stay home with your brother. Then tell them the decision has been made, so they can make theirs without any further input from you.

Frankly, your children are entitled to spend Christmas in their own home, and it's a lot simpler for you.

FooFighter99 · 06/12/2018 16:00

Have you actually spoken to your brother? My mum has a habit of assuming my brother's wouldn't want to do something when in actual fact they'd be fine with it.

Ask him directly and lay it out properly for him, if he's a decent bloke then he'll see it from your pov and make the journey.

emzw12 · 06/12/2018 16:00

We made a point of saying we were having Xmas at our house when we had our first child and we stuck to our guns. If people wanted to come to us for a visit - fine, if they didn’t then they didn’t - sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. I remember being dragged around relatives houses when I was a kid on Xmas day and it was awful! Kids want to stay at home with their pressies in their familiar surroundings. Set your own new traditions with your little family.

BarbarianMum · 06/12/2018 16:04

You are overthing this - just say no and stay home. Who cares if they make you the bad guy - sounds like you kind of are anyway. They're 7 hours away, let them sit and sulk. If they want to moan - well just gently put the phone down and let them get it put of their systems.

Hadalifeonce · 06/12/2018 16:04

I would say something like 'actually, mum, we have been having a talk about Christmas, and decided we will be staying here after all. Travelling all that way with the children is a complete pain, and it really isn't ideal for little one to sleep in the travel cot, as they will not get a proper sleep. They will end up getting grumpy, which I really don't want any of us to subjected to.

So we will be staying at home, but of course you are all welcome to join us.

BarbarianMum · 06/12/2018 16:05

overthinking