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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take responsibility for the Christmas tree getting trashed

86 replies

Weinachten · 06/12/2018 15:14

I live about 7 hrs drive away from my parents with my 3 children (including a 15 month old) and my DH.

My brother lives on his own about 10 mins from my mum and dad and traditionally we all and stay at my parents for the Christmas / New Year period.

We moved house recently (still 7 hrs from my parents) and as we now had plenty of room (and a 15 month old + DS6 and DS8) we thought it would be nice for them all to come to us for Christmas. My mum declined saying it wasn’t fair to ask my brother to travel all that way and so to keep the peace, we reluctantly agreed to keep up the tradition and go to theirs.

I’m now thinking about all the hassle of traveling there, the baby sleeping in a travel cot (which is now too small for him) in our room... and all so that my brother doesn’t have to travel!!

I also know that the baby will be into everything - pulljng at decorations, grabbing at the Christmas tree and I’ll probably be super grumpy as he won’t sleep in the cot etc.

So please talk me out of being a stroppy teenager and saying ‘they (ie my parents) wanted Christmas there, they’re responsible for making sure the baby doesn’t attack the Christmas tree / decorations etc.

Finally would it be unreasonable to lay down a marker now saying we’re doing Christmas at home next year - and they’re all welcome to join or not as they please.

OP posts:
GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 06/12/2018 16:05

I'm all for having Christmas with the extended family but a) 700miles b) you've done your fair share up til now c) 3 kids (including a baby!)

Please cancel and stay at home this year!

Hereward1332 · 06/12/2018 16:06

Does your DH have parents? Would he want to see them?

Outlookmainlyfair · 06/12/2018 16:08

They are being unreasonable!
Most importantly work out what you want out of this year and next. If you just want MN endorsement to be annoyed, everyone is on your side.
Will you feel good long term if you trash the tree? Probably not as you’ll have collateral damage.
Sounds as if whatever you do your parents will cast you as in the wrong and your DB will he golden child regardless. Unless you can be clear about your needs and how important you are to their Christmas. It can be done, from being the also ran I got fed up, fought back and the dynamic has changed!

Dungeondragon15 · 06/12/2018 16:10

My mother used to say a similar thing and so we just had Christmas by ourselves at home. Funnily enough my brother visits us over Christmas and doesn't always see them so it clearly was just an excuse. They just wanted to have Christmas at the own house.

flumpybear · 06/12/2018 16:10

7'hours drive!! Do they live on the moon 😵
As others have said it's far more sensible for them to come to you - how long would you stay? 14 hours round trip with children that age is the 7th level of hell in my books!

Tighnabruaich · 06/12/2018 16:12

It's not too late to change your mind. Why have a miserable Christmas? Long drive, sleeping arrangements etc. The brother is perfectly capable of travelling to yours. You're a grown up. You can decide to stay home.

thecatsthecats · 06/12/2018 16:13

We always meet one of my husband's aunts 'halfway' over New Year... except there are seven of us to one of her. They always seem to be obsessed with meeting on NYD or the second, so six working adults get to spend the last day of the holiday predominantly on the motorways, as well as two OAPs.

Fewest people travelling is almost always better.

pickingdaisies · 06/12/2018 16:13

Stay home, be the grown up and stand up for your family. What does your DP think about traipsing off to visit your parents? Doesn't he want Christmas at home with DC's?

kateandme · 06/12/2018 16:19

id be tempted to want to stay in your new home with little ones this year.but if I was in ur current postion I also know you want to be with your family so obviously its down to you to make the effort(wrongly) this year to go so if I could I think I would go anyway.
try and make th best of it.dont seeth an think I shouldn't be here otherwise everything will piss you off and everything will seem wrong.embrace it this year as just your turn to travel and relax into it and it will instantly seem more enjoyable and ok.

oh yes the golden child cfuckery I no that well.
would there be anyway you could contact you brother,and say youd love to invite him to yours this year in the new house how would he feel.it might or might not get a better response than his mum and dad assuming.

only decide not to go if you really don't want to.its awful when it comes down to one child to make these decision when its unfair but this is family.and sometimes it happens like this but its more important to be with them if you wan to.dont not go to make a point.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/12/2018 16:19

I'd be staying HOME. Flowers

SouthWestmom · 06/12/2018 16:21

Since having kids we've refused to leave the house at Christmas and refused to host. People can come for sherry later or Buck's Fizz first thing.

Everyone still talks to us. It's not that important to be in the same house.

DarlingNikita · 06/12/2018 16:22

I don't get why you all have to kow-tow to your brother. I wouldn't go, TBH; it all sounds very stressful.

I'm a bit of a cow and don't have much of a relationship with my family, though, so sure, ignore me Grin

Knittedfairies · 06/12/2018 16:26

Unless your mum has already got the sprouts on, I’d be very tempted to say I’d had a re-think and wouldn’t be spending Christmas with them this year even though I said I would....

Crunched · 06/12/2018 16:30

It sounds like your DPs do infantilise your brother ( possibly due to past mental health issues you refer to), so another vote to go directly to him with an invite to yours. Then you can present the invitation to your DPs as a done deal.
Go with existing plans this year but get the seeds sown ready for Christmas '19.

LuckyAmy1986 · 06/12/2018 16:33

I wouldn’t be going this year, let alone next!

throughtheeyeofaneedle · 06/12/2018 16:34

I'm guessing that your brother is just an excuse as your parents don't want to travel

ineedwine99 · 06/12/2018 16:36

I would stay home this year! So much hassle with the kids. You should enjoy yourselves too and won't at your parents by the sound of it

FishesThatFly · 06/12/2018 16:39

I wouldn't subject my children to a 7hr drive especially one that is totally unnecessary.

I would stay home this year otherwise you will be mithering all year about xmas 2019 ... and you will be stressed at your parents this year. Your children deserve a calm and fun time, not 14hrs in the car and stressed and miserable parents.

Sounds all very shit really

Tighnabruaich · 06/12/2018 16:45

14 hours in a car! At Christmas! You'd be mad to do this. You don't even know what driving conditions will be like, they might be awful, especially as it sounds as if you are driving the length of the UK. Stay home!

steppemum · 06/12/2018 16:48

If you want to stay at home this year, I would be tempted to lay it on a bit thick.

Mum, we've been havign a think about this Christmas. Life has been soooo busy, and the baby is exhausting at the moment and I just can't face travelling so far with a toddler, I need some sleep when kids are on holiday. Please come to us, you guys are retired and kids grown up, so SOOOO much easier for you t travel, and we'd love to have you.

woolduvet · 06/12/2018 16:54

I'd do a fictitious long trip this weekend then ring your parents to say how hard it was on the baby and you won't be able to manage the drive.
So instead of three children and two adults ravelling could it be your turn to travel.
If they're not fussed about it then I really wouldn't feel guilty.

diddl · 06/12/2018 17:00

Tbh when your mum declined you should have left it at that.

Why does peace need keeping at your expense?

peachgreen · 06/12/2018 17:06

Are you me OP?! Very similar situation. Brother has never come to see my daughter - his only niece - but expects us to go there for Christmas.

BarbarianMum · 06/12/2018 17:15

To be fair peach we have no idea what the OPs brother wants or expects in this scenario. He may be wishing for a nice quiet Christmas with a bottle if Scotch and a curry.

woolduvet · 06/12/2018 17:17

And don't forget it'll be ok for him to say he won't travel so it'll be ok for the 5 of you to say you don't want to either.