Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take responsibility for the Christmas tree getting trashed

86 replies

Weinachten · 06/12/2018 15:14

I live about 7 hrs drive away from my parents with my 3 children (including a 15 month old) and my DH.

My brother lives on his own about 10 mins from my mum and dad and traditionally we all and stay at my parents for the Christmas / New Year period.

We moved house recently (still 7 hrs from my parents) and as we now had plenty of room (and a 15 month old + DS6 and DS8) we thought it would be nice for them all to come to us for Christmas. My mum declined saying it wasn’t fair to ask my brother to travel all that way and so to keep the peace, we reluctantly agreed to keep up the tradition and go to theirs.

I’m now thinking about all the hassle of traveling there, the baby sleeping in a travel cot (which is now too small for him) in our room... and all so that my brother doesn’t have to travel!!

I also know that the baby will be into everything - pulljng at decorations, grabbing at the Christmas tree and I’ll probably be super grumpy as he won’t sleep in the cot etc.

So please talk me out of being a stroppy teenager and saying ‘they (ie my parents) wanted Christmas there, they’re responsible for making sure the baby doesn’t attack the Christmas tree / decorations etc.

Finally would it be unreasonable to lay down a marker now saying we’re doing Christmas at home next year - and they’re all welcome to join or not as they please.

OP posts:
NotyourMummynotyourmilk · 06/12/2018 17:20

and they will be stuck in the middle (and I will be the bad guy).
Nothing wrong with being a bad guy OP.
Ring your parents tell them you have changed your mind (this is allowed in both adults and children!!!) and you are not coming. Quick before she orders a massive turkey 😂😂

coconutwheel · 06/12/2018 17:25

Yes I would pull out graciously and gently (really sorry mum but it’s just too much for us this year with the youngest). Very happy to host but we understand if it doesn’t work for you...

Whocansay · 06/12/2018 17:30

Just say 'we've discussed it and decided that it's simply too much for toddler this year. Well see you guys another time and Skye you on the day'.

I reckon your mum wants you to go to her and is using your brother as an excuse.

Why travel all that way and spend all that money to have a shit time?

VenusOfWillendorf · 06/12/2018 17:33

Is it possible that your parents just don't want travel, and are happy to use your brother as an excuse - rightly or wrongly?
I don't think it's fair to blame him without haven spoken to him. It's entirely possibly he couldn't care less and would happily spend Christmas at home by himself, but your parents want everyone together and having you come to them is the only way to get that. Which is not fair on you, but not really your brothers fault.
If you can't get out of it now, then why not go with the stroppy teenagers routine?! Worst that can happen is they wont' have you back!

sue51 · 06/12/2018 17:37

I think a 7 hour drive with a 15 month old is sheer hell. I would not put myself or my children through that. I'd cancel this Christmas with them and explain why. Anyone who has ever had small children would understand why unless they they were very selfish or had had extremely quiet, compliant offspring.

averythinline · 06/12/2018 17:39

why do your brothers 'wants' (single earning adult) trump yours and your very small children.....madness - just say NO not this year.....

llangennith · 06/12/2018 17:49

As pp have said, say you've had a think and it's really too much to uproot the family for the long drive etc and you'll be staying home for Christmas. .

joggingon · 06/12/2018 17:54

Wether or not you go depends on when it was decided that you would. If in the last week think it's fair to cancel if it's been agreed for a while it might be unfair. Stay at home next year but I wouldn't bend over backwards to get them to yours next year. it will be hard work.

Feefeetrixabelle · 06/12/2018 17:58

‘Had a think, cant make the journey up to yours with 3 small children. You are of course welcome to come too ours or we will. See you in the new year’. Send it and be free.

StroppyWoman · 06/12/2018 18:00

Woman up and tell them you aren't coming because that much travel and upheaval with 2 kids and a toddler is a nightmare, but they are welcome to come to you.
You'll feel much better.

Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 06/12/2018 18:04

God not a chance, just cancel and stay at home.

sackrifice · 06/12/2018 18:07

given I have agreed to go - I need to be a grown up

You could be really grown up, and stand up to your parents by saying 'No mother, we have decided to stay home this festive season, thank you for the offer of a 14 hour round trip, but it shall not be needed. I fear that the little one shall be ill over the season, the little one is already sniffing and I cannot subject them to the trip'.

onalongsabbatical · 06/12/2018 18:19

OP - have we persuaded you to be brave? It's pretty unanimous!

MonaChopsis · 06/12/2018 18:23

Blame the baby 😂 Say that when you agreed to travel, he wasn't as mobile, and you didn't think ahead to how difficult travel was going to be. Cancel, make no promises about next year, enjoy Xmas at home.

jelliebelly · 06/12/2018 18:44

No way would I travel 7 hours with three young kids Christmas or not - if you carry this on they will hate you for it when they are older!! Of course they won't come to you - why would they put themselves through that kind of hell if they don't have to!!

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 06/12/2018 18:50

Not sure where I got 700miles from (!) but the point still applies Grin

Enjoy your home comforts and invite the various parties to enjoy your new home Smile

WitchDancer · 06/12/2018 19:00

Do yourselves a favour and knock seeing everyone on Christmas Day on the head. I wish I'd done it when I had kids - we're stuck with running around to see Grandparents and siblings and have never had the chance just to enjoy our family unit time.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/12/2018 19:05

No way would I make that journey! Pull out now!

Original poster
Weinachten · 06/12/2018 20:28

Wow - so thanks all. Bizarrely I feel significantly less bad about the situation now knowing I’m not being ridiculous. However... it is really too late to say I won’t go now. It would create a horrible atmosphere which wouldn’t really be great. Not least because my folks lent us a serious lot of money in the summer to buy the house and I’m supremely grateful for that!

I will start the conversation though for next year. It’s not unreasonable to say we’ll come in the summer but Christmas is a no go - is it?

I don’t want to moan too much about the journey as my husband come from abroad and we travel SIGNIFICANTLY further to visit them in the summer - albeit we holiday on the way.

My dad messaged today to ask whether I wanted their room or us and the baby or if the baby would go in the corridor. I replied I didn’t mind but they needed to think about what they were doing about decorations and cupboards etc as he is into EVERYTHING! No reply yet!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Weinachten · 06/12/2018 20:39

Oh and those who say my brother is probably an excuse are probably a bit right. My folks have some plans with friends every year over the festive period and although they complain about it - I guess they don’t won’t to miss.

My brother would probably be happy to be on his own or come down actually but they are afraid to ask him... like the time we went away as a family to 2 lodges and my kids want to stay with them in their lodge. It also meant the kids could go to sleep early and I didn’t need to bring them back to the other lodge at night. I thought we’d agreed it, everyone excited except they hadn’t wanted to raise with him and his stuff was in ‘their’ room. Cue huge fuss and me in the bad books, because I just put them to bed in my parents lodge. To be honest, I’ve not quite gotten over this - and I think that’s causing part of my issue.

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 06/12/2018 20:44

That’s fair enough then op. But yeah I would make a point of saying at the Christmas dinner table this is lovely and it’s our turn to host next year.

averythinline · 06/12/2018 22:56

It is still all about tip toeing around your brother ...yes they want to do stuff with their friends ....what are you going to be doing whilst they do that...

you say your dh is from far way do you fly there or drive .seriously 7hours is dreadful - is there any other way of travelling there? could you stop overnight on the way ?

you seem to have a very child like scared relationship with them...If they lent you money are you paying them back? (may not be the most tax efficient for them ) they sound quite controlling - why are you always feeling bad ..... you are an adult and have your own family....

Knittedfairies · 06/12/2018 22:57

I wouldn’t say that it’s your turn next year; make a clean break and have Christmas 2019, and every year thereafter, at home. Don’t set yourself up for a 7 hour drive every other year.

MissWimpyDimple · 06/12/2018 23:03

My brother is like this too. The thing is, my parents (or at least my dad before he died) were always terrified that one Faldo move would mean my brother would literally never speak to them again!

He's just not that bothered and has form for taking massive offence and cutting people off.

They know that they can do anything to me and I'll still be there 🤦🏻‍♀️

steppemum · 07/12/2018 06:19

Can I just say that all those people saying 7 hours is a nightmare with small children, never do it, etc etc.
Every year since kids were babies we have gone on holiday to South of France. We get up and leave at 5 am, and arrrive at 10 pm.
It takes organisation, and we didn't do it when they were tiny, tiny, but started when they were 18 months, 4, 6.
Before that we went 4 hours drive regularly.
I have American friends who think nothing of driving this far for a weekend.

I don't think the OP should have to go, and would definitely be putting my foot down, but really, just because you haven't/wouldn't do it, doesn' mean it isn't doable