Aibu in thinking that sexual preference is not shallow

[Randomusername01]

Not a taat (or maybe about lots of threads over the years). Having a sexual preference is not shallow, be it for blonde/brunette/tall/short/vagina/penis/intellect/humour/black/white/asian etc. What turns you on turns you on sadly I feel I need to qualify this by saying children and animals are obviously not included before I get jumped on by the what about brigade. Non animate objects are but I'll secretly judge you a fucking weirdo🤣. I'm not offended or think it's shallow that as a fairly flat chested sombreish average Asian woman that I don't tick the boxes for people who fancy say Pamela Anderson or rachel Riley or Chris hemsworth. If they said they'd never date me then there is no hard feelings. It doesn't make them shallow.

I cant say ive seen anyone argue otherwise

Come to the threads of “would you date a short man” and you’ll soon be told how utterly unreasonable you are for even seeing height

here in Asia, a small head is considered attractive.

I've always been amazed that men with small heads aren't in more demand. After all, one day you might be giving birth to his baby. A good sense of humor and sparkly eyes are going to be no fucking good to you then!

"I think it's more about familiarity/similarity. So many times when I've seen an actor on a TV series and thought "My word, isn't he attractive?" - turns out he's of Irish descent. I'm either hard-wired to find that facial cast attractive, or it's because I grew up surrounded by people who looked like that."

That's definitely part of it - I've lived in Asia for 10 years and when I look at white guys, they just all look the same to me now. I couldn't tell you which ones are attractive and which aren't.

But racism/sexist standards definitely figures into it - how do you otherwise explain the popularity of east Asian women but unpopularity of east Asian men in the west? Because east Asian men are seen as weak, effeminate etc whereas Asian women are seen as cute, sexy etc.

"I've always been amazed that men with small heads aren't in more demand. After all, one day you might be giving birth to his baby."

Holy shit, maybe they're onto something!

And no one needs to hear your opinion about what characteristics you find a turn-off.

Saying that you have a particular sexual orientation doesn't seem to be allowed either. Unless you're a gay man. Lesbians aren't allowed that privilege because they're only women.

I'm heterosexual, I'm solely attracted to men who present as men. That's my right. For me sexual attraction isn't on a sliding scale, just because it happens to be so for you.

Ah you see small heads are selected against in cold climates. Less good at conserving heat.

barbarian Not necessarily true, Korea/Japan/China are all cold for at least 4-5 months of the year and they're definitely all about head size.

But racism/sexist standards definitely figures into it - how do you otherwise explain the popularity of east Asian women but unpopularity of east Asian men in the west? Because east Asian men are seen as weak, effeminate etc whereas Asian women are seen as cute, sexy etc.

I don't quite know what 'east Asian' encompasses. I've noticed a personal weakness for Japanese and Chinese men. I've no idea why, but I go a bit gooey when I see an attractive Japanese/Chinese man.

I completely agree. You can’t help who you find physically attractive. On the threads where one partner has got fat, the man is always a bastard for no longer fancying his fat wife but the woman is told her husband should get down the gym and no wonder she doesn’t fancy him.

I don’t fancy fat men. I don’t fancy Chinese men, or men (of any size or race) who dress or act a certain way (chavvy, overly hipster), so I wouldn’t pursue them. However, if I met someone who possessed one or many of those characteristics and found myself being attracted to them despite the fact that I’d usually find it a turn off, I wouldn’t not date them just because I decided I don’t. I think everyone can be surprised how sometimes attraction can override those preferences, but still, it’s fine to have them

I am torn between thinking that sexual preferences are a private matter governed by consent, and being worried about evidence of biases affecting our social conceptions of sexual desirability. Socially, disabled, disfigured, overweight, gender-non-conforming people (to give some examples) are presented as sexually undesirable which can create implicit biases in our sexual choices.

johnny but WHY don't you find Chinese men attractive? (And what do you mean by 'Chinese' because really, there's a very very wide selection of how Chinese men look because they come from many backgrounds and racial types.) I think it's important to think about. I mean, out of 1 billion people, don't you think there must be some you find attractive?

Of course half of it is because they're never shown to us as romantic prospects in movies/TV.

Ask young girls (under 18) and tons of them will be into Asian guys these days cos of kpop.

It's easy to say 'well that's just my preference' but when the shoe's on the other foot and you're part of the race that is not seen as desirable, it's extremely psychologically harmful. I know tons of white women in Korea/Singapore who spend all their days moaning about how Asian guys don't like them/only use them for sex and how racist it is. But it's ok in the west to say 'I don't like Chinese (whatever that means) guys'?

It's fucked up.

I agree that there is a type and it's not shallow for me to say I am not and have never been attracted to women.

However in recent years I have been more attracted to personality as well. Happily married but recently had some crushes with men who normally would not have been in my radar - one Asian and one a smoker (one of my major turn offs) - because their kindness and personality are absolutely amazing... these are just crushes and i won't act on anything but they are great friends who I have had 'dreams' about...

so it's not shallow but it may change...

Also I am bi and find it really odd that anyone would consider the possession of a penis/vagina as relevant to sexual attraction, but clearly many people do.

@ReanimatedSGB
The two main points are: you could be surprised by your feelings of desire for a person you would normally have ruled out (whether that's because of biological sex, race, height, background) - sexual orientation is on a sliding scale and always has been.

I disagree with this completely. There is no sliding scale for my sexual orientation. I have been around many many females who in my opinion are stunningly attractive - however have never had even a remote desire to have sex with them. I can also assure you I never will.

This idea that it's not acceptable to only be attracted to one sex is ridiculous.

Preferences are not shallow at all. I agree media shapes our view of what we find attractive, however I've also found that the guys who I've dated and taken me home, I seem to have alarming resemblances to their mother or female relatives. Which is equal parts amusing and creepy.

I read this as "not to swallow" 🙈

Studies show men tend to prefer women with a 10 inch difference between bust, waist and hips (and that is waist going in of course not being 10 inches wider tha the other stats!). They also show people of both genders prefer someone with symmetrical features. This applies across all racial lines.

In terms of genetics we tend to get stronger babies if we mix genes up a fair bit. In our family we have red, black, very very white blonde (2 of my sons) and brown haired children (all white so far). I fyou only mate with those from your village disabilities tend to occur including with first cousin marriages (or worse ).

I don't think I could date a smoker and would not find someone who is not similar to me in terms of education/IQ and I tend to find blonde or red haired men most attractive.

There is no way I would date a woman with a penis or even anyone with a mental health condition. I just want someone similar to me (I am never ill so far touch wood.....)

Your preferences are your preferences and that's fine. I find it weird when people are so vocal about what they "would never go for" in a partner though.

I have never been attracted to a black guy, for example. Now that could be because I'm not attracted to black guys , or it could just be because I haven't met a black man I'm attracted to. There's an awful lot of black men in the world I've never seen or met, I'm sure some of them I would find attractive.

Not having been attracted to a black guy, is not racist.
Not dating a man I found attractive, because he was black, would certainly be racist!

@Hisaishi as a rule I just don’t find them physically attractive to look at. That’s it. If I met a Chinese man who I did end up being attracted to of course I would date him, I wouldn’t rule him out just because he’s Chinese

@ReanimatedSGB So it would be rude for me to refuse a date with a man and tell him it's because he's a man and I'm a lesbian? What level of nonsense is this.

Attraction is always discriminatory, and honestly it's fine to not be a attracted to someone white/black/asian/etc. Or fat/slim or tall/short or blonde/brunette/ginger or penis/vagina. Whatever gets you going, gets you going and it's perfectly fine.

Just don't be mean to people about your own personal preferences. It's not their fault they are e.g. White, tall, skinny and ginger but you're attracted to dark, short, chubby and brunette, or whatever.

But when it comes to sexual orientation it is completely fine to tell them why you don't like them or why you're refusing them. In fact I think it's nicer. I've had loads of dudes hitting on me and I've told them I'm not interested in them because they aren't women, I'm pretty sure they weren't hurt just because of my sexual orientation

I also think straight women would appreciate knowing the guy they were hitting on is just gay rather than rejecting them for them.

@OhComeOnRon A sliding scale goes all the way from 0% to 100%, I'm not sure what you're arguing about there. You're at 100% hetero, that's all.

MamaDane, TBH I think it's a little unnecessary to tell someone they are the wrong sex for you, because a polite 'no, thank you' should be sufficient. It's at least reasonably likely that you have been chatted up or asked for a date by a woman who you don't find attractive as an individual even though she is a woman and you like women. If so, presumably you would have refused politely rather than telling her she's too old/young/fat/thin/white/BAME or whatever.
But the fact that women, particularly, need to justify refusing a date is a whole other topic (men will often only back off when a woman makes it clear that she is another man's property because some men only respect other men, and don't believe women should have any choice in who they have sex with.)

"There is no way I would date a woman with a penis"

Well, good. Because they don't exist.

@ReanimatedSGB if I was hitting on a straight woman, who I may have thought was a lesbian, then yeah I would also like her to tell me "sorry but I'm not into women" rather than just no, I do think that's the kinder thing to do, no matter the gender. Because it's not you they are rejecting, it's just that they aren't into men/women.

I'm generally attracted to men with dark hair and eyes, but I've found the actual race doesn't seem to matter. Lately, I've been watching a number of marital arts films and tv series from the far east, and the number of men I've watched who've made me go "pwhoar" has been amazing.

As I've gotten older I've found myself leaning far towards the "equal opportunities" on the attraction scale.

Historically I was mainly attracted to tall, well built rugby player guys with dark hair (race non-specific) now I'd hazard a guess that if I wasn't married I'd date anyone I was attracted to, male or female, black, Asian, white, red haired etc.
I'm not generally attracted to guys shorter than me (in 5ft 8") but wouldn't decline to date someone if they gave me the fanny daggers...

As it is I've been married over 8 years to a very hot dark haired Scotsman who is also a terrific shag so chances of me going hell for leather with any poor fucker I'm attracted to is slim to none