Aibu in thinking that sexual preference is not shallow

[Randomusername01]

Not a taat (or maybe about lots of threads over the years). Having a sexual preference is not shallow, be it for blonde/brunette/tall/short/vagina/penis/intellect/humour/black/white/asian etc. What turns you on turns you on sadly I feel I need to qualify this by saying children and animals are obviously not included before I get jumped on by the what about brigade. Non animate objects are but I'll secretly judge you a fucking weirdo🤣. I'm not offended or think it's shallow that as a fairly flat chested sombreish average Asian woman that I don't tick the boxes for people who fancy say Pamela Anderson or rachel Riley or Chris hemsworth. If they said they'd never date me then there is no hard feelings. It doesn't make them shallow.

Also Iv found myself as Iv aged my bisexuality has definitely changed.

Iv always liked both men and women but I think if for any reason I found myself single I'd almost definitely only want to go out with a woman and in terms of which celebs etc do you find attractive I generally notice women rather than men.

Isn't sexual preference more than just physical though? Or even not really physical at all? I think I could find almost any physical type attractive if they tick my boxes in terms of personality (kind, funny, principled) and even though there are physical features I like (male, blue-eyed, stubbly) I would go right off someone if they turned out to be a bigoted twat once we got shagging talking.

Randomusername01 "Having a sexual preference is not shallow, be it for blonde/brunette/tall/short/vagina/penis/intellect/humour/black/white/asian etc."

I completely agree, although a desire for one's partner to have a vagina or penis is called a sexual orientation not a sexual preference.

I do think, to some degree, we (people) may actually be more open to height, eye, hair, skin colour etc. But the point is we do not need to be open. We can be open or not. I've dated men who were black, Asian, Jewish and white British. I ended up marrying a white British man, but actually what attracted me to him was not his ethnicity or nationality but the fact he is a lovely man.

ReanimatedSGB "...it's a bit dim and shallow to insist you wouldn't have any kind of sexual/romantic relationship with someone of the 'wrong' gender for you."

Why would you feel the need to label a sexual orientation dim or shallow? Are gay people dim and shallow for not fancying members of the opposite sex?

Sexual orientation/preference. It's the same thing surely? Lesbians can say they prefer vagina or are sexually orientated towards vagina. 6 and half a dozen imo.

Quite a few not shallow but ... responses. It's either shallow or it's not. It's not imo. If a man said he's only interested in a size 8 big boobs girl, then good for him. I know not to waste my time on him. I'm not gonna vilify him for what turns him on.

As for someone might be witty and charming, as someone else upthread said, I know lots of witty and charming women, don't want to shag any of them.

Also I'm autistic so I'm not sure how different/common my sexual preference is but with regards to sexual attraction if you will, if it's not there it's not there. I've yet to meet a person who I felt absolutely no desire for, who has managed to change my feelings over the course of time getting to know them.

Also for the simple reason I guess of not hurting others feelings or appearing p.c. its probably not wise to publically broadcast that you discount whole groups (I'm not attracted to Asian men or short men or vaginas and having seen 1000s of them I've yet to find one that proves me wrong). Although it's fine to publically announce a (biological) sex preference although even this is coming under fire. But admitting it to wider audience or not doesn't change how you feel anyway.

It does get a tad wearisome when your entire race is deemed 'unattractive'

i personally am not attracted to vaginas. I am attracted to women.

misty do you think people should lie and say they are attracted to your race? Because that's the only viable alternative for you not to be wearied? Also are you attracted to penis? I'm straight so quite open to declare that I prefer penis. Maybe not in the omg they are beautiful way, but as opposed to vaginas they are 100% my preference. I'm the owner of a vagina but as an object of sexual preference, vaginas give me the heebies. I often laugh about this with dh, as I don't get (but am glad of) his appreciation of mine 😂

I have never been attracted to a genital.

no i do not expect people to lie

however it would be preferable not to read twelve pages of how people could never be attracted to my race, coz, you know, we're a load of mingers really

Nobody has said that a whole race of people are mingers. Not one. They have said they are not attracted to a certain race/aspect. And have pointed out that that this doesnt make that race/aspect inferior in any way at all. Also as someone who has never been attracted to Asian men, I can say that I have seen several Asian men that I think fall into the category of classically handsome. Still not attracted to them though. Also I have seen 1000s of drop dead gorgeous women. Again not sexually attracted to any of them. It strikes me as somewhat narcissistic that people would get annoyed/offemded/wearied that other individual people aren't attracted to them. It's not like the whole of the UK is a single thinking entity and there is a single aspect that no one is attracted to.

@Malwoddy

“I hear you to a large degree but I also think a lot of our preferences are shaped by the media we're exposed to (which can be illustrated by how certain physical appearances have come into, or gone out of, fashion throughout the course of history).”

This.
Absolutely people are free to hold their own preferences, but it’s important for us all to think about how our preferences are shaped and influenced by media, cultural stereotypes etc.

I think it's shallow to be fixated on a certain physical type "busty blondes" to the exclusion of everyone else -that makes them sound interchangeable and as though the person underneath doesnt matter. In reality lots of people have a type but will date/marry/have sex outside this when they meet the right person.

"Sexual orientation/preference. It's the same thing surely?"

Well, no. Words have meanings.

A vegetarian doesn't eat meat or fish, a pescatarian doesn't eat meat, a vegan eats neither meat nor fish nor any animal product. Someone allergic to gluten dorsn't eat gluten. These are dietary requirements.

Someone else might say 'i don't like onions."

Words have meanings!

And yy to your ideas of beauty changing depending on what you're exposed to. In my early 20s I'd have said I wasnt really attracted to black men (Id met very few tbf). A few years living in W Africa changed my mind.

"Absolutely people are free to hold their own preferences, but it’s important for us all to think about how our preferences are shaped and influenced by media, cultural stereotypes etc" today agree.

I absolutely love Asian men! I don't think it is a virtue or a fault and I managed to marry DH despite his not being Asian.

The only criteria for anyone to date/marry/ sleep with anyone else is that they mutually want to do so and are adults legally free to marry etc.

I find the idea we have to be open to anyone offensive but I also don't feel the need to lost people I am not attracted to either, as this might cause upset but it really shouldn't be necessary to find others attractive.

list

I think it’s fine to have a preference for a particular type of person.

However quite often we see MN threads where the OP more or less indicates that they would be attracted to someone apart from
“x”.

X generally turns out to be something outside the social norms eg the chap is shorter than average.

The issue isn’t always “I don’t fancy shorter men”

Sometimes the issue is “I fancy him but I’d be embarrassed because I think his shortness reflects badly on me/embarrasses me.

And that is shallow.

PinkCalluna excellent point.

I do think saying "I don't find people of [insert race here] attractive" indicates an internalised racism, solely because not everyone of any race looks alike

Well yes, but you could say the same about blonde people. They also have a range of physiques, facial features etc. And yet it's not seen as offensive to say you fancy dark-haired men/women but not blonde ones.

I agree with Reanimated. And there’s a difference between sexual orientation and saying you won’t go out with a man who is shorter than 6 ft 2 or a redhead.

The frequent threads on ‘would you date a man of five ft 6?’, which is what I assume this is partly always seem remarkably unconscious of the extent to which the cultural construction of Big Strong Man and Ickle Fragile Woman shapes their preferences.

It's ridiculous because of course it's entirely socially conditioned and often rooted in racism, sexist double standards etc.

For example, black women and Asian men have a far lower rate of swipes (or whatever it is) on Tinder (never used it so excuse my lack of terminology). I know soooooo many people who ask me stupid questions about my Asian husband (and yes, 90% of them are about his penis size and those people are all twats) and how I can POSSIBLY be attracted to him.

To act like it's all primal/physical is really silly. It's conditioned. As convecticle said, so much of it is based on 'I'm a ickle tiny girly and I need big stwong man to take care of me." How many women say 'I only like short, chubby, balding guys with extremely weak arms'? How many men say 'I only like fat, frizzy-haired women with hairy legs and massive biceps?' If it was truly a personal preference, you'd get a lot more people saying those kinds of things.

As an example, here in Asia, a small head is considered attractive. We wouldn't even think of it in the west, but that's what they look at. I have seen women who I think of as stunning who my husband thinks look plain weird/ugly. (An example is Salma Hayek - she's considered beautiful in the west, but extremely ugly in Asia because she has what they consider to be a big head. My husband literally thought her being portrayed as sexy in one movie we saw was a joke and that the movie was a comedy based on her being ugly.)

It just seems a facile thing to even talk about. Nothing wrong with having an ideal type but people who come out with shit like 'I don't date short/black/Asian/chubby/whatever' men/women just come across as pretty shallow.

Well yes, but you could say the same about blonde people.

Yes but blonde people don't have a history of being oppressed.

So it is a little different.

ReanimatedSGB

At the risk of unleashing a tidal wave of ragepissing heteronormativity, it's a bit dim and shallow to insist you wouldn't have any kind of sexual/romantic relationship with someone of the 'wrong' gender for you. Because you might meet such a someone and be hugely charmed and delighted by this person to the extent that you find yourself wanting to shag them. And, if you haven't got yourself all revved up about other people's insistence that only certain types of human being are desirable, you and the object of your interest may well have a whole lot of fun together.

Keep beating that drum. You're not going to convince many lesbians that they're attracted to someone with a penis, no matter how that someone dresses themselves up. Perhaps very young naive lesbians would be prepared to give a pity-fuck, but it's more than a bit rapey to blackmail them into having sex with the SEX that they're not attracted to. Gender isn't real. Sex is.

Hisaishi
It's ridiculous because of course it's entirely socially conditioned and often rooted in racism, sexist double standards etc.

I think it's more about familiarity/similarity. So many times when I've seen an actor on a TV series and thought "My word, isn't he attractive?" - turns out he's of Irish descent. I'm either hard-wired to find that facial cast attractive, or it's because I grew up surrounded by people who looked like that.

The two main points are: you could be surprised by your feelings of desire for a person you would normally have ruled out (whether that's because of biological sex, race, height, background) - sexual orientation is on a sliding scale and always has been.

And no one needs to hear your opinion about what characteristics you find a turn-off. Announcing that you won't date short people, anyone with glasses, anyone [from specific ethnic group] just makes you look like a twat - if I hear anyone saying that, I always suggest they wait till they are actually asked for a date by such a person.
If you are turning someone down for a date, telling them the reason you won't date them is because of their age/sex/race/class/height/weight/disability is very rude. To be fair, it's also very rude, if you are the one who has been rejected, to push for a reason or to say to the person that it must be bigotry that led to the rejection. You're not owed an explanation, or a 'chance'.