To not invite ex employees to a work Christmas meal?

[Star2015]

I work with a small team of people. The woman who did the job before me retired last year after 35 years in the job.

She made lots of promises to come in and help me during tricky times of the year, but didn’t. See finds it difficult to come in and see me at ‘her desk’ so I’ve been told, so has now resorted to texting my colleague to find out when I’ve gone if she wants to call into where we work. In addition, she’s organised meals get together with the staff throughout the year and I haven’t been asked (fair enough as I don’t really know her).

Last year the work Christmas meal had already been organised before she left so obviously cane along, as did 2 other ex employees.

This year it was in the back of my mind whatever we chose to do, we would set a trend and would have to continue with. To me it’s a works meal so didn’t quite get why staff who had left were there, but it wasn’t my choice last year.

This year however, I made the decision to only ask current staff (I’m the manager and therefore organise it - everyone pays for their own meal but I buy the first round of drinks).

The woman who used to do my job is now telling everyone she can (we both live and work in a small Village) how upset she is that she’s been uninvited and her and the other two are organising a separate meal. Today I had a call from someone I’m in contact with regularly at work to say this woman was telling an audience of people in church today, with tears in her eyes, how upset she was.

(Just some background, she’s a churchgoer and likes to make out she’s a goody two shoes, however, she constantly makes nasty remarks to people (last meal it was the waitress who she said was too fat to get around the tables!) and who invited me to her leaving do (held at our place of work) during my induction week, to then uninvite me on the day as it wasn’t right I was there!)

Was I unreasonable to only organise the work Christmas meal for current employees or should I have been note sensitive and asked everyone who attended last year?

Yes as has been said it’s public sector so we have to pay for ourselves. I buy everyone a drink at the meal, and will be buying breakfast sandwiches on Monday next week as well as a gift of either wine or beer and chocolate for everyone, so cannot afford to pay for everyone’s meals as well unfortunately (not that they expect it).

There’s 9 of us going, two employees cannot make it (one is a part time (3 hours a week) employee who also happens to be this ladies gardener, so she has persuaded him not to come - no problem) but as I said a couple of other people hadn’t signed up because of the fact it was more of a reunion than a work meal. When I asked them why they weren’t coming they told me that so it kind of sealed the deal, and they are now coming.

A couple of the staff have mentioned she called them saying she was upset she wasn’t asked, but they plainly said to me they don’t see why as they don’t get invited to meals in places they have worked at before.

I think it’s right that she’s clinging on to coming in and seeing everyone but it’s on her terms, they don’t (all) seem to be trying very hard to keep in touch with her.

Thanks for your comments everyone.

You sound very level headed op. I won’t say what your predecessor sounds like!

Thank you

Ugh, the woman who did my job for five years still pops in to visit the office and she has been out of the job for almost three years I really don't understand that level of attachment to a workplace, but maybe that's just me.

I get that this woman was in the role for a really long time and it may be hard to let go but she sounds like a shit stirring drama llama. Holding court with tears in her eyes at church is just cringeworthy.

You DO sound very level headed. I'd tell her to get fecked.

Where I work anyone who has left during that particular year is invited back to the Christmas party. But after that no.

It just gets messy. You have new colleagues who don't know the old colleagues, and if the boss is paying for the drinks he ends up buying for people he's never worked with, or who have long left the organisation.

I don't really know why people want to continue coming back to work parties. It would make more sense to organise a separate evening out with people they were close to and are still in contact with.

I'd say inviting ex employees is just normal enough for OP to have a problem here. The old employee is clearly behaving really badly, and I can see why you didn't want to invite her. But there's enough of a kernel of normal in there that some people will see her point.

Fwiw I've worked at a couple of places where this went on and it always accompanied an unhealthy level of investment by the previous employees and usually cliquey behaviour by at least some existing employees. I'm not a fan. However, I think you're on dodgy ground if the staff paying for any of it themselves and it isn't in work hours. You don't have to buy her a drink but people are allowed to meet people at venues outside their work hours.

Just to say, it’s too late now to change the plans as deposits have been paid (back in Oct), and the meal is tonight, it’s just a coincidence this incident if being upset in church was yesterday, the day before the meal tonight

I work in the public sector too (NHS) and we either have a free or subsidised Christmas meal, so it's not true that the public sector always pays for their own meals. I have read the whole thread.

It's not the ops fault that there is no funding, but it being a meal where everyone pays for themselves means that it isn't really a 'work Christmas meal'

She really needs to move on with her life. Yanbu.

My work has a policy of inviting people who have left for 1 year only after which they are not but are welcome to join for drinks after 5pm as then it's more of a pub crawl than the party.

Sounds like she is throwing her toys out of the pram. I would be clear if you see her that it's a work event and as such it's employees only it's not personal.

YANBU. Staff events are for staff. We only invite current staff to our Xmas party, or occasionally women on maternity leave if they fancy it (but no pressure).

She sounds far too invested for a job she’s left. It seems like it was a large part of her life and identity and now it’s gone she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Making a fuss of avoiding you adds to her drama, sounds like she is actually loving this – she gets to be the victim! She should’ve been finding other things to do to fill that gap in her life, but she hasn’t, and it’s not your fault she can’t let go!

Stay strong, you’re doing the right thing. I’m sure existing staff will only put up with her shenanigans for so long.

Personally I have loved a lot of my previous jobs but when I’m gone I’m gone! I might stay in touch with a select few colleagues, but I always feel a bit like the work social stuff is an obligation and I already spend enough time with my colleagues 9-5. I’d rather be at home with DP, or out with my friends I don’t see enough of, rather than making small talk at the pub with John in Accounts.

We are not allowed to invite ex employees (excepttion : if they still contractcwith us). its way to likely that confidential information gets discussed as its in a work setting

Just wanted yo add to my previous post, we do have or have had a number of ex employees but we don't have a high staff turnover at all. Most of us have been there 10+ years and rarely take on new staff so it's not awkward for anyone.

Sounds like the company / role is closely tied into her personality and ego. No wonder she is having such trouble letting go.

You are doing the right thing and the right thing for her funnily enough. She needs to know her time there is over and not being invited (while painful for her) is a good first cut. Also she hasn't thought about what it might feel like to sit there and possibly hear you praised or possibly hear about some ife the changes you have made etc.

Hi all,

Just wanted to report that we had a lovely meal out tonight. Less reminiscing than last years meal and more general chat and laughter.

The ex colleagues weren’t mentioned once!

Thanks for all your comments everyone.

Great to hear 👍

Excellent, That is good news Star2015

but it being a meal where everyone pays for themselves means that it isn't really a 'work Christmas meal'

It really is HibbleDibble I started work over 35 years ago and have always paid for the work Christmas Meal in every place I've worked. It was only about 10 yrs ago I found out some people didn't. It is a meal you go out with your colleagues, from work, at Christmas time, hence 'work Christmas meal'

Right call, and good to reset expectations!

Great Update. ((((Happy Hugs)))) 🌸🌼🌺

Thank you!

I think you've done it just right OP.

I've been in a previous job where retired staff members came to the Christmas parties and it was always weird and cliquey.

I get how the retired person feels - I was a bit nostalgic myself after 11 years in one job and I did want to invite myself to the Christmas party the year after I left. I got over myself after about 5 minutes though and never said a word to anyone. it's nice to think of yourself as irreplaceable and the heart of a team that will feel lost without you - but that's just not reality.

they didn’t like the fact it was like a reunion rather than a team meal

I think this is a very good point.

I have felt like that when at work meals that ex-employees have attended.

Lovely result OP.

These things are important to the current staff more than anyone else. If ex-employees have strong enough relationships with other staff, they'll meet outside.

Even if it were the case that this woman were genuinely super-popular, and people wanted to catch up, that's even MORE of a reason for them to take an opportunity to bond and relax with the OP!

Humans are sociable primates at the end of the day, and work-groups are a semi-forced grouping that need social time together. A work Christmas meal is preferable to eating each other's fleas.