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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite ex employees to a work Christmas meal?

125 replies

Star2015 · 05/12/2018 21:19

I work with a small team of people. The woman who did the job before me retired last year after 35 years in the job.

She made lots of promises to come in and help me during tricky times of the year, but didn’t. See finds it difficult to come in and see me at ‘her desk’ so I’ve been told, so has now resorted to texting my colleague to find out when I’ve gone if she wants to call into where we work. In addition, she’s organised meals get together with the staff throughout the year and I haven’t been asked (fair enough as I don’t really know her).

Last year the work Christmas meal had already been organised before she left so obviously cane along, as did 2 other ex employees.

This year it was in the back of my mind whatever we chose to do, we would set a trend and would have to continue with. To me it’s a works meal so didn’t quite get why staff who had left were there, but it wasn’t my choice last year.

This year however, I made the decision to only ask current staff (I’m the manager and therefore organise it - everyone pays for their own meal but I buy the first round of drinks).

The woman who used to do my job is now telling everyone she can (we both live and work in a small Village) how upset she is that she’s been uninvited and her and the other two are organising a separate meal. Today I had a call from someone I’m in contact with regularly at work to say this woman was telling an audience of people in church today, with tears in her eyes, how upset she was.

(Just some background, she’s a churchgoer and likes to make out she’s a goody two shoes, however, she constantly makes nasty remarks to people (last meal it was the waitress who she said was too fat to get around the tables!) and who invited me to her leaving do (held at our place of work) during my induction week, to then uninvite me on the day as it wasn’t right I was there!)

Was I unreasonable to only organise the work Christmas meal for current employees or should I have been note sensitive and asked everyone who attended last year?

OP posts:
agedknees · 06/12/2018 07:41

You did the right thing. Have a lovely meal. I’m retired, and wouldn’t expect to be invited to a work Christmas do.

MudCity · 06/12/2018 07:45

YANBU. If we invited ex-staff we would have more ex-staff there than current staff. People need to move on. If she wants to meet up with people who still work there at another time, then fine but she should not expect an invitation to a work event when she isn’t an employee.

And Juells is right...I am sure other people aren’t taken in by her tale of woe and will wonder why she is making a fuss about it. It’s very clingy behaviour. Easier to make the break now then in five or ten years!

Don’t worry. Enjoy your ‘do’.

LellyMcKelly · 06/12/2018 07:50

It wouldn’t cross my mind to invite ex-staff. Once you’ve left, you’ve left.

Original poster
Star2015 · 06/12/2018 07:50

Thank you! Smile

OP posts:
RandomObject · 06/12/2018 07:51

I had actually already bought a ticket to my old office Christmas party and was still told I couldn't go as I left a month before. I didn't even think it was odd.

OllyBJolly · 06/12/2018 07:51

It would be unusual in any workplace I know (and I have around 40 clients - with between 20 and 1000 employees) for a new manager to make a single handed decision on something like who comes to the Christmas party. If it was the norm before, I can see why sudden exclusion would be viewed as a slight.

You don't know this woman (as you say) but you have decided you don't like her, you've made some nasty assumptions she’s a churchgoer and likes to make out she’s a goody two shoes and you see yourself as being way better than her. It would be interesting to hear what the rest of the team think...

ResistanceIsNecessary · 06/12/2018 07:55

Enjoy your meal.

In every company I've worked, the norm has been to allow leavers to attend that year's Christmas party if it had been organised before they left - as in venue, menu choices, attendance confirmed. After that they wouldn't be asked, as it is for current staff only. It's supposed to be a team building celebration of the year, not a past reunion. As members of staff change, the constant presence of ex-staff can become quite uncomfortable as the newcomers don't know them and it brings to a head the fact that the company is moving on without the leaver.

There are plenty of ex-colleagues (me included) who take the opportunity to go to other, smaller reunions with people where we have remained in touch.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 06/12/2018 08:00

If I was a new member of staff and lots of ex colleagues pitched up at the Christmas meal I would find that really cliquey and off-putting.

But you could support some kind of regular get together if there is an appetite for it. Perhaps ex colleagues could organise it.

WhipItGood · 06/12/2018 08:06

I wonder for how many years to come she will expect to be invited back Hmm

I worked in an office once and someone left who kept popping back. It was embarrassing for her in the end because inevitably staff changed and lots of people had no idea who she was Confused.

No, you don’t get to go to a work Christmas dinner once you’ve left work. Just leave and move on. Some people don’t really believe the place can function without them.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2018 08:12

Surely the Christmas meal is a kind of Team Building exercise? She's no longer in the team...

Workplaces move on really quickly I think. When you've left, you've left.

Wilma55 · 06/12/2018 08:15

My partner left his job in July and has been invited to their Christmas meal.

Bumbledop · 06/12/2018 08:18

You are absolutely doing the right thing by not inviting her. If you invite her this year you will have the same problem next year.

Don’t bend to her emotional black mail.

FourRustedHorses · 06/12/2018 08:27

I am wondering if the current employees who worked under her are relieved she's not invited?

grumiosmum · 06/12/2018 08:30

You are the manager and are right to take a firm line on this.

I'm guessing that your predecessor has retired rather than started a new job. She probably has too much time on her hands now, and can't help but interfere.

Give her an inch and she will take a mile.

Panicwiththebisto · 06/12/2018 09:01

She disinvited you to her leaving do, so she’s a bitch despite putting on a crying act in Church.

I’d ring the venue and check just in case she’s added herself to the numbers.

Pinkyyy · 06/12/2018 09:07

An important rule I have always gone by is that you're a manager, not a friend. Of course you can be both but you must always be a manager first. By letting her go you'd be excluding members of your current team and that just can't happen, she's not a priority

hibbledibble · 06/12/2018 09:26

Op I was 100% with you, until you said that everyone is paying for their own meals. That doesn't make it a work meal, just a get together, to which people from work are invited. It's usual for the meal to at least be subsidised, if not paid for.

BlackWatchBelle · 06/12/2018 09:26

Well the office can't love her tbat much if she waa having to go into it to see them, doing that says to me the old colleagues weren't making an effort to see her out of work. I have learnt that no matter how long you work somewhere it only takes a few weeks to be forgotten. You might be with these people most of your working day but it is a workplace, not a social gathering.

YANBU, hope your doo goes grand and no mention of her is made

bananamonkey · 06/12/2018 09:27

It's not fair on the new employees and it's their Christmas do more than hers. Plus she sounds like a total nightmare!

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 09:32

It's not necessarily odd to invite her at all. It depends on the time of work environment, of it's a friendly, family orientated place it would be totally normal to invite ex employees, it's happened at a number of places I worked.In more corporate environments it wouldn't happen though. In this case it's more complicated as she seems to be having issues seeing you in her old role so it might be prudent not to invite her and allow her to socialise with her friends from work in a purely social context.

agedknees · 06/12/2018 09:37

Hubble - it’s public service job. Can you imagine the outcry if taxpayers money was spent on a Xmas party ( ex public employee here).

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 06/12/2018 09:42

What aged said. Public sector employees pay for their own meals.

It's still about the current team though. It's an opportunity for newer staff to gel with their colleagues and they should never feel excluded by recent retirees.

Tippexy · 06/12/2018 09:46

@hibbledibble Read the thread again so you see where she works. Then you’ll see why the meal isn’t paid for. Not everyone works in private business!

Iloveautumnleaves · 06/12/2018 09:53

Grumiosmum

You’re guessing she’s retired?

Really no need to guess. First line of the OP.

The woman who did the job before me retired last year after 35 years in the job.

😂

They’ve traditionally invited ex employees. She’s retired after being there 35 years, she even didn’t leave to go to another job,

It’s not really a ‘work do’ and definitely not ‘team building’ if everyone is paying for themselves.

She’s 70, single, no family nearby, she’s worked there half of her life. She’s finding it hard to see someone else do her job. Thirty five years she’s been there and because you don’t like her she’s not invited, yep, I do think that’s pretty petty and mean - as is the way you talk about her ‘still expects to be everyone’s priority’.

Your drip feed about two staff not going if she was going...hmm, seems like a very odd thing to leave out of your OP... if they can’t socialise with the others there and ignore an ex employee they don’t much like, they probably need to grow up.

QuizzlyBear · 06/12/2018 09:54

@Gwenhwyfar
You realise that Christmas work parties are really there as team building events, right?

Having ex employees and various ransoms there makes it a general party, not a work's Christmas do. I presume that if this woman was popular enough with the remaining staff, they'd see her socially outside of this one event that's only for current employees.

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