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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not invite ex employees to a work Christmas meal?

125 replies

Star2015 · 05/12/2018 21:19

I work with a small team of people. The woman who did the job before me retired last year after 35 years in the job.

She made lots of promises to come in and help me during tricky times of the year, but didn’t. See finds it difficult to come in and see me at ‘her desk’ so I’ve been told, so has now resorted to texting my colleague to find out when I’ve gone if she wants to call into where we work. In addition, she’s organised meals get together with the staff throughout the year and I haven’t been asked (fair enough as I don’t really know her).

Last year the work Christmas meal had already been organised before she left so obviously cane along, as did 2 other ex employees.

This year it was in the back of my mind whatever we chose to do, we would set a trend and would have to continue with. To me it’s a works meal so didn’t quite get why staff who had left were there, but it wasn’t my choice last year.

This year however, I made the decision to only ask current staff (I’m the manager and therefore organise it - everyone pays for their own meal but I buy the first round of drinks).

The woman who used to do my job is now telling everyone she can (we both live and work in a small Village) how upset she is that she’s been uninvited and her and the other two are organising a separate meal. Today I had a call from someone I’m in contact with regularly at work to say this woman was telling an audience of people in church today, with tears in her eyes, how upset she was.

(Just some background, she’s a churchgoer and likes to make out she’s a goody two shoes, however, she constantly makes nasty remarks to people (last meal it was the waitress who she said was too fat to get around the tables!) and who invited me to her leaving do (held at our place of work) during my induction week, to then uninvite me on the day as it wasn’t right I was there!)

Was I unreasonable to only organise the work Christmas meal for current employees or should I have been note sensitive and asked everyone who attended last year?

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 05/12/2018 22:38

Yanbu. If anyone mentions her to you just be nice and say aw its lovely you are keeping in touch. Its nice when you make friends at work. If they try and push her on you for more staff dos just stat that its staff only and you do have to draw the line as otherwise everyone would want to bring friends.

Staff dos are about morale and team building, not catch up with friends.

rosablue · 05/12/2018 22:43

I'd also reflect her words back to her - if she found it difficult to come and see you at her desk then I'd point out that she would also have found it difficult to come and see you in charge at the christmas meal... especially noting the fact as pp have that she hasn't ever been in to see you...

indieshuffle · 05/12/2018 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

indieshuffle · 05/12/2018 22:47

Surely it doesn't matter whether some places do it or don't. I don't see a problem if everyone genuinely gets on and the business can afford it, but the issue here is that the woman is a complete cow and has publicly ostracised the OP. She can get lost is what I say. (edited for bad language typos!)

SassitudeandSparkle · 05/12/2018 23:00

Hmm, the company seems to have a policy of inviting ex-employees as the OP said there were three at the meal last year.

So yes, I think you could have handled this more sensitively but it's down to the fact that you really don't like this woman! It comes across strongly as a tit-for-tat move for her uninviting you to her leaving do. 35 years is a long time to work for a company.

BackforGood · 05/12/2018 23:03

Christmas work dos for all their faults are about the current team

This ^

Of course, if any group of friends want to arrange between them to go out at any point in the year, that is fine and dandy and up to them, but there is no expectation for people who have left to come to 'The Christmas do'.

YANBU

Grah0SoontobeaFitty · 05/12/2018 23:08

@Gwenhwyfar
How does the over a year ex-employee know when & where the office Christmas do is? We have 2 ex-employees of over 10 years service who left in the last month not coming to ours. They left moved on hope they have a good life.

She, may have friends working there still but she can arrange with them to meet at "the EX-Manager-of-35-years Christmas do".

She can arrange to be at the same time, in the same location if she likes, leave it to her friends to decide which table to sit at.

What happens next year when half the team is changed and a New Manager is in charge -- does she still get to go?
How many years must they invite her for?
It honestly doesn't matter if you want to go it isn't about you and you should let it go.

[b]Merry Christmas to all [/b]
-- Now waiting to see how the party went.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/12/2018 23:13

"How does the over a year ex-employee know when & where the office Christmas do is? "

Someone tells them.

Pinkyyy · 05/12/2018 23:14

I once went to a work do where they invited a few ex-employees, the whole night basically turned into a reunion for them and the people who didn't really know them got hugely pushed aside. She is welcome to socialise with them but she shouldn't be invited to a work do when she no longer works there.

CJsGoldfish · 05/12/2018 23:26

Meh. I see no issue inviting her if the other employees want her to attend. It's clear you don't like her and that's probably behind your objection more than anything.
Do the 'team' like her better than you OP? Or seem to? If so, I can understand your decision not to invite her. Otherwise, I see no harm.

KC225 · 05/12/2018 23:37

I have been in jobs where ex employers have been invited to 'dos' and they have by and large been lovely - popular for food reason. This woman seems awful, I can forgive her for not coming in to work busy or but to uninvite you ro her do in your induction week and to only come in when you are not there is poor behaviour. I agree with the above poster, she is over invested. I would tell your colleague 'I think that's a great idea for former employers to have their own lunch. I hope they enjoy it.'

Bottom line, she doesn't work there anymore and she has shot herself in the foot being mean to you knowing you organise the 'do'.

funnelfanjo · 06/12/2018 02:29

We have had retirees come to some work dos recently, but that’s been for special occasions that celebrate the successful outcome of long running projects where they made contributions before they retired.

In 30+ years of working at small and large organisations, Christmas dos have always been for employees only. No partners, no ex-employees.

kateandme · 06/12/2018 03:07

look like this lady would find something to be upset with you or others over so she can have a good bitch.
you've done nothing wrong here.dont react.she also sounds like one of those who has perfected making herself seem like the innocent victim so you reacting will be what she wants and needs to get other to be on her side.be calm be nice just don't back down.win for you.

PirateWeasel · 06/12/2018 06:14

If this woman has worked for only one company in 35 years she obviously doesn't have much if any experience of how other workplaces function. She probably also views her colleagues as long term friends. That building and the people who work there have been her life. Does she have a family? All possible reasons why she's having trouble letting go. The longer she strings this out, the harder it's going to be for her. She needs boundaries. It's a business, not a social club. She can see her old colleagues on her own time. She sounds rather horrid for deliberately avoiding you, and downright hypocritical for badmouthing you in church!

Tumbleweed101 · 06/12/2018 06:55

I think it depends on how close she was to the team and how many new team members are there now.

We had a retired team member join us for a couple of Xmas meals but there were few new staff and she wasn’t an old manager, which changes the dynamic far more than just being a team member.

In your situation I think you’ve made the right decision.

ForalltheSaints · 06/12/2018 06:58

I think it is the right decision that the OP made.

What this and indeed the whole thread highlights to me is that everyone needs to plan for retirement, both practically and emotionally. It seems that the former manager is having great difficulty with this.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/12/2018 06:59

Ugh
She sounds grim
It’s just a meal for the work team
Stop giving her any oxygen and attention as she is blatantly a trouble making stirrer

Original poster
Star2015 · 06/12/2018 07:01

Thanks everyone for your responses.

The decision was not made as tit for tat, however, I cannot say whether she would have been invited if she had have behaved better towards me, because she didn’t so I don’t know!

I’ve worked for 3 different employees before working here and I know that it’s ‘normal’ (in most places) for a WORK Christmas meal to be just for work people.

This woman is 70, divorced with two kids who live away. However, it appears from what I know that she does have friends and a social circle, but I guess after 35 years in one job, where she ruled the roost her expectation was to stay at the top of everyone’s priorities. I don’t think it’s a case of the staff liking one of us better, some who worked for her a long time feel some loyalty I guess, however, lots of said they found her curt and unapproachable, and since I’ve started things have been brought right up to date at work (think no H&S, paying salaries via cheque!!!, etc) so the staff realise she didn’t keep things up to date and had hit stalemate after 35 years and things needed to change. It probably doesn’t help that she probably wouldn’t have thought there was anything wrong with what she was doing, and some of the changes I’ve made are obvious for members of the public to see so she will know about them.

Oh well, it’s meal day today so I’m going to forget about her and make sure it’s an enjoyable evening.

Thanks again everyone!

OP posts:
KC225 · 06/12/2018 07:09

Enjoy OP. Have fun

Original poster
Star2015 · 06/12/2018 07:18

Thank you KC225! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Star2015 · 06/12/2018 07:21

I forgot to say too, two of the newer members of staff said they weren’t going to the meal as they didn’t like the fact it was like a reunion rather than a team meal, but when I explained the decision not to invite ex staff they both said they would come along so if she had have been invited (along with the other two), it would have meant existing staff didn’t go.

OP posts:
Biker47 · 06/12/2018 07:26

We have people who've left at our Christmas nights out, I don't think it's weird. I wouldn't invite her though.

Petalflowers · 06/12/2018 07:30

Have a lovely evening.

Juells · 06/12/2018 07:34

I'd guess that locals listen and nod sympathetically, then go off rolling their eyes at how unreasonable she's being. If she's like this over a Christmas do, she's probably a pain when involved in village or church organisations.

EdisonLightBulb · 06/12/2018 07:39

Enjoy your meal OP, I think you are 100% right in this. I wouldn't expect my ex colleagues to come to my Christmas meal. My favourite ex colleagues and I all meet up 2-3 times a year separately where we have the greatest time. If they came to our work meal we would all sit together and ignore the current colleagues as my friends are more fun, and that's just plain rude.

The ex manager should socialise with her favourite ex colleagues outside the workplace.

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