To ask how you would react if your young teen started dating a troubled teen?

[Palfrey1]

How would you feel if your 13/14 year old started going out with someone the same age but had a few issues such as

• always in trouble at school, frequently excluded
• bit of a dare devil / risk taker / rule breaker
• doing all the typical teenage stuff such as drinking / smoking / vaping

But they treated your child exceptionally well and with respect and consideration?

Would you put a stop to the relationship? Would you feel happier meeting the parents? Would you do nothing and just hope your child 'moves on' to a more suitable bf / gf soon?

I would hope that my teen would help the troubled teen to overcome their problems and to understand that some people have a difficult life through no fault of their own

I suspect that banning the relationship would push it underground. Your risky term sounds like my DS. He is a good lad underneath but has issues. I would think making contact with the parents would be a good idea. In all likelihood the relationship won’t last too long - especially if you give it the seal of parental approval 😂

I think this "But they treated your child exceptionally well and with respect and consideration?" Is the most important bit. While that continued I'd be inclined to let it run its course.

I’d be devastated! Is it really ‘typical ‘ for a 13/14 yr old to be drinking and smoking?!
I think other posts are right tho, you will only make matters worse of you come down all “you won’t!”
Thinking about it my strategy would be to keep lines of communication open, invite gf/bf round, get to know the parents etc
I’d be worried if this was a friendship let alone a boyfriend/girlfriend thing 😳

I’d subscribe them to the kind of hobby that took up every damn moment of their spare time, and whisk them far away on holidays. I’d smile on the outside, while doing everything possible to sabotage the friendship.

But that’s just me.

Nitpick 😂 I’d be smiling like the Cheshire Cat on the outside but having evil, dark thoughts on the inside

Pay a child from a few years above to ‘pursuade’ said little shit to look elsewhere, while simultaneously pretending you are totally cool with it.

JustABetterPlayer I think I love you

it's not typical for 13/14 year olds to smoke , drink and vape.
i wouldn't be happy at all

A 13/14 year old shouldn't be "dating." You are the parent and you lay down the rules and boundaries.

Just totally changed my opinion, if a 13/14 yr old is ‘dating ‘ it would mean me taking and picking up from the cinema or a pizza, or them coming round for tea. And then only if I knew the kid and the family.
Op, forget what I said earlier. You’ve got to knock this on the head

The troubled child is still a person. Surely if you make a judgement on someone then it's for how they treat your child and not how they once acted. You have absolutely no idea why that child was like that, and there are a multitude of possibilities.
Are you seriously telling me (and this is more to other posters than the op) that if a boy the same age from a decent school, family with money and no obvious vices came along then you'd have no concerns?!!
The capacity to be cruel/hurtful/deceitful has nothing to do with money, previous behaviour, friends etc. To think you can control your child is naive. The best we can do for our children is to prepare them and educate them, and to be there.
To finish I'm speaking as a mum. The absolute most important thing to me is that my children are happy, and if someone is treating them well and respectfully then I'm happy.

I think at this age you've got to let your child ride this 'relationship' out. It's not going to last is it? You won't win the battle if you try to discourage it. I can see why you disapprove- you're looking after your child's best interests. Nobody wants their young teenager being potentially influenced into underage bad habits. However this troubled one may well be a perfectly nice person with as you say a few issues. If you're a grown adult you more equipped to deal with and help another adult through problems but I can see why at such a tender age its not ideal to start off with a 'relationship' that may be troubled.... Ahh it's difficult. Conclusionally as you've said they're treating your child perfectly nicely I'd avoid any lectures and just see how things go whilst monitoring closely any of your own child's changing behaviours or attitudes if and when they arise. I'd just cautiously monitor for time being and give advice as you would to any teen embarking on a 'relationship'. I think that's all you can do right now...

Id tolerate it. Id keep an eye on my kids behaviour though and id make lots of time for conversations on boundaries and self esteem

Would definitely make sure DD was on the pill and then use every possible method to break them up. Do you really want this boy fathering your grandchild?

He treats her ok now, what will happen when he is an adult?

Cant take any risks, end it.

I’d trust that my parenting the last 13/14 years had given my child the tools to make the correct choices and to learn from them and ask for help when he/she messed up.

YABU to use “troubled teen”

On the pill??!!? On god

• oh my god

No, I would not be keen.

It isn’t the norm to be drinking and smoking in early teens. I’d be concerned that the kid’s parents were dog-rough and that the kid wasn’t being supervised properly.

What nitpic said

I was the teen dating a troubled teen, he treated me with respect when we were young. As we got older things changed, it seems it's easier to be respectful when you're playing at life. When things get real it's not so easy. Things changed gradually, I'd almost been conditioned to accept that sometimes his behaviour should be ignored because of his issues. He became blameless.

Long story short - end this now or risk your teenager becoming the crutch and unable to leave. Yes, troubled teens are people too but at that age they'll become dependent on the other which is bad for both. Most relationships at that age come to a natural end. This won't, leaving a vulnerable and troubled person is hard enough for a mature adult. Teens believe they can save each other.

I regret my teens and early 20s.

I would have a fit. Have been there done that with foster son and it was horrendous. I know it isn’t the nice open minded approach but if it was my daughter I would be so worried. However- the more you would try to separate the more they will be keen to stay together so i would hope it would run its course.

I think I would invite them around to tea a lot, always have pizza available, be welcoming (without proactively encouraging) and get to know them as much as possible -perhaps try and find out why they are behaving as they are (without resorting to interrogation!!) - and then make a decision. (Getting to know them might involve dropping them off back home occasionally and casually chatting with parents.)

And agree with others that drinking/smoking/vaping not usual at all among the 13 & 14 yr olds of my acquaintance. If they were encouraging or influencing my child to do those things then I would probably discourage the relationship.

What does "going out with" mean in this context though?

Oh yes I would also adopt Nitpic's strategy of making sure my teen didn't have a lot of free time/had loads of other interesting and absorbing things to do.

The “troubled teen” probably has really low self esteem and could probably do with being invited into a living family home where there are less issues than at their own house and where they might feel loved, respected and valued and develop a sense of self worth and chose a different path in life.