To ask how you would react if your young teen started dating a troubled teen?

[Palfrey1]

How would you feel if your 13/14 year old started going out with someone the same age but had a few issues such as

• always in trouble at school, frequently excluded
• bit of a dare devil / risk taker / rule breaker
• doing all the typical teenage stuff such as drinking / smoking / vaping

But they treated your child exceptionally well and with respect and consideration?

Would you put a stop to the relationship? Would you feel happier meeting the parents? Would you do nothing and just hope your child 'moves on' to a more suitable bf / gf soon?

Weed seems to be so easy to get now. My DS is often smoking it; we are a family where education is valued, although we are separated both parents work, we have a strong work ethic as does my DD. My DS seems to be in a completely different place. I honestly don’t know what to do about it. Am trying to keep communication lines open, but in my heart I am angry and bemused about why he is taking this path.

You must tell her mum OP. Or maybe she does not even care. I can smell my neighbor smoking weed let alone someone inside my own house. The fact they the good teen plays 2 instruments and has good grades has nothing to do to with "good" or "bad" teen. Please tell her just in case she says it's your son who is influencing her good little girl.

There you go then OP.
Some nasty holier than thou responses on here.
OP your dc will probably turn out to be a very mature and responsible young person.

Why is it nasty and holier than thou not to want your 13 year old going out with someone who smokes, drinks and takes drugs?
Is that some thing you want?

And what evidence is your assertion that he is going to grow up to be fabulous, based on?

The holier than thou refers to those people who think that a 13 year old smoking is solely the result of bad parenting and must come from a severely lacking home. It’s not always the case, and I think a few people having a bit more empathy and recognising the above, would not go amiss either on this board or in real life. My DS is 14, he has taken to smoking weed. He comes from a home where he is valued, cared for, and where the usual values of society are shared. He is a risk taker (has adhd), will always try out things, but underneath is a good person. I’m not sure it’s helpful for us as a society to just call people little shits and let’s keep our wonderful kids away from them!

So where on earth s he getting the weed from? Why isn't he being supervised in such a way that prevents him getting hold of it? If he's doing this at 14, what the hell will he be doing at 17?

Why is it always the case on MN that a troubled teen automatically comes from a shit home?

notpushy - you tell me!!! It is however impossible to imprison a 14 year old and if you talk to all the experts the advice is to keep open the channels of communication - otherwise you send the behaviour underground. I am not happy at all; but I can see with a rebellious teenager that I cannot ban it effectively. He is 6ft 4 and much bigger than me. Please advise me how you would stop it. It seems very widespread around here as far as I can see.

Bigsandy, my point exactly. And maybe I would have thought the same if I hadn’t experienced different. I have a DD who is highly obedient, hard working etc etc, and a DS who is quite the reverse. It’s not rocket science to work out that there is a lot of nature and nurture is just a small part.

I’d be concerned that my child was attracted to a troubled child and I would quietly try to get them to stop dating them.

It isn’t typical teenage behaviour for 13/14 year old to drink, smoke or vape.

TBH, I’d find it creepy if the trouble maker treated my child ‘exceptionally well with respect and considerstion’ when he/she was normally so badly behaved.

Sampling smoking, drinking and dating at 13 seems at least a year too young.
14/15/16 I'd expect some boundary pushing. Some teens do push them too far and unfortunately don't have functioning parents to help them through. I'd try not to judge if it was just a phase and I could see a nice person. OTOH it would be hard some cocky shit going out their way to cause as much trouble as possible.
I would have lots of chats, provide support and keep communication open.

Love the way people
Are giving their wisdom without bothering to read the salient point in the thread

1. Your child should not be dating this young and ESPECIALLY should not be having sex.

1. There's sadly a FAR greater chance of this child bringing your teen down than of your teen bringing them up.

I'm not sure how I'd feel. I don't think I'd like it.
I'd like the bit that she treated ds1 with utmost respect.
That's the most important thing.
But all her other bits, no I don't think I'd like really. I wouldn't want him going out with someone anxious, someone who wasn't giving their utmost to studying and totally committed to getting the highest grades, someone daredevil and vaping etc.

I want someone lovely, confident, bright, studious, caring.

Don't all mums?

Yes, all mums would want that.

But, 13-18 year-olds have other influences and their own ideas. And they make their own decisions.

It’s naive and ridiculous to resolve to ‘break them up’ or ban it, even ‘quietly’. As a parent of teens you don’t really have that power IME.

My experience of parenting teens so far is that you just have faith in the values instilled from birth to 12, and hang on to your hat/keep the lines of communication open for the rest. This way you can show respect for your teens as ‘developing away from you’. And stay involved with them so they can come to you and talk to you when they need to. This way lies the best chance of influence I think.

Short of dropping them directly to and from their school classrooms every day/supervising their every move hope of ‘banning’ anything is futile.

I’m like Squeegle and have two teens who are like chalk and cheese.

LatentPhrase
Lots of parents have 'power' over their young teens. I'd say most do. I'd 'quietly' try and get them to break up. I would talk to my young teen and try and get her/him to understand why it is a bad idea. That pretty standard parenting.

I went through my kids teenage years with few problems. I know a lot of that is good luck but some of it was giving the kids the tools to make good decisions. I never used to lay down the law with them but I was able to influence their decisions.

So this: faith in the values instilled from birth to 12, and hang on to your hat/keep the lines of communication open for the rest
Those values/boundaries instilled birth - 12 keep asserting.
If they are not already in there... hang onto your hats "...its going to be a bumpy ride"

Latent ^

Why, same as another thread, with Hippo is the massive issue of underage sex being deftoy side-stepped!?!? ..actually, being condoned

I’m sure my answer won’t be a popular one. 13/14 is absolutely too young to be dating. Drinking, smoking and vaping is not “normal “ and it’s also illegal. And you won’t want to hear this but if this relationship continues there will most likely be sex involved. I would absolutely not allow for this relationship to continue. I would tell my teen that if they are still waiting interested in each other once they are 16 they can date, and in the meantime get my teen really involved in an activity. I’ve been in this same situation and am very glad I put my foot down

A few years ago I had the ‘troubled teen’ he was uncontrollable despite my best efforts. At 14 he started spending a lot of time with a girl from school (same age).

She was very bright A grade student, lots of extra curricular activities. Came from a ‘well to do family’ from the nice end of town.

I remember exchanging a few texts with her mum about whether she was comfortable with the girl spending so much time with my son. The mum seemed very easy going and fine with it. I was grateful as she was having a very positive effect on my son. He calmed right down started behaving better in school and at home.

It transpired that although she came from a ‘good home’ she had an older brother who was in prison for drug dealing and a younger brother who was in a special unit because he was frequently expelled from mainstream school. I think the siblings had (have) some kind of additional needs (possibly ADHD or PDA).

After a few months of texting back and forth a met the Mum in person- she was so positive about my son it was refreshing.

They spent a couple of years together and had a positive effect on each and both me and the other mum are very grateful there were no judgments made about our parenting.

Sorry you're going through this @Palfrey1.

Growing up a lot of people smoked and drank by 13, I did too and also fell into the 'troubled' bracket. It didn't make me a 'little shit' - I was sad and scared, and the friendships/relationships I made with 'nice' people in my teens were invaluable. Please don't judge kids for behaviour like this - guaranteed they're filling some kind of hole.

I'd definitely tell her mum. Wouldn't try to end the relationship but would keep them as closely supervised as possible and try (as I don't doubt you are) to keep your son talking about whatever's behind his behaviour. Good luck xx

Sorry op just realised I hadn’t answered your question- I’d be fine with it as long as they were safe and happy