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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would react if your young teen started dating a troubled teen?

101 replies

Palfrey1 · 05/12/2018 20:44

How would you feel if your 13/14 year old started going out with someone the same age but had a few issues such as

  • always in trouble at school, frequently excluded
  • bit of a dare devil / risk taker / rule breaker
  • doing all the typical teenage stuff such as drinking / smoking / vaping

But they treated your child exceptionally well and with respect and consideration?

Would you put a stop to the relationship? Would you feel happier meeting the parents? Would you do nothing and just hope your child 'moves on' to a more suitable bf / gf soon?

OP posts:
MrsDylanBlue · 06/12/2018 00:15

*loving

Shriek · 06/12/2018 00:34

This is really weird as when a DM asked about her son, he must have ADHD or asd, or pd...in wonder if her DS is seeing your dd, she's not on the depo by any chance?

I would do what pp suggest, to invite for dinner and drop to a movie and collect and drop home. Organised things as opposed to just hanging around especially not sharing a bedroom!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2018 00:43

Sorry I woulden't be happy at all, and I would try my best to pursuade my dd that this is a bad relationship. She is still only a child, it is not her responsibility to try and fix this boy. I would worry that this could lead to her being abused in the relationship.

Monty27 · 06/12/2018 02:47

Let it be. Be proud of your dd for not being judgemental. He probably has great qualities which she sees and appreciates
If it's not right it'll burn itself out.
In the meantime give her space.
She certainly wouldn't take kindly to interference I'm sure.

Thejezebel · 06/12/2018 02:50

I would support my daughter. She has good judgment so I would respect that. She would know more to the story probably than I would. And I would be there for her unequivocally if it all went tits up.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/12/2018 06:56

I wouldn’t like it so much . But if they are kind I would back off and let it run it’s course

Which it will eventually mark my words

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/12/2018 06:58

Also what Dylan blue said . Treat them as a new friend and get to know them . Whatever happens you have a chance to show some positivity and understand why they are acting up

BlytheSpiritsSpirit · 06/12/2018 07:06

13/14 is too young to date. Where are they going, and who is funding it? I would expect a 9pm bedtime at that age and supervised "hanging out" with friends at home, or dropped off and collected from the cinema or town at specific times.

I wouldn't expect my young teen to take on the responsibility of being a good example or influence to another child, it could go either way really.

Mixedbags · 06/12/2018 07:18

I would carefully watch and monitor and get to know the child. It’s a tricky one, on the one hajnd you don’t want your child being led astray but you also can’t disguise ‘life’ exposure to them. The world can be a tough and nasty place at times and I think children at a certain age do need some measured exposure or awareness to it.

Laureline · 06/12/2018 07:18

I would not be happy, because dating at that age is too early, and it is not my daughter’s responsibility to “fix” troubled boys (or vice versa if I had a son).

I would probably do like a PP (keep them busy, take them away on holidays...) and hope the relationship dies off.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/12/2018 07:23

At that age I'd continue to encourage DD in school work and plans for further education as well as friendship and hobbies. I imagine if the troubled teen stays troubled the two will grow apart once the non troubled one starts thinking about GCSEs and what to study at uni.

easyandy101 · 06/12/2018 07:25

I would have been the troubled teen in this

It was normal relationships with normal people, including having a proper goody two shoes girlfriend that made me get in trouble less

You're getting some depressing advice itt

SaucyJack · 06/12/2018 07:46

What do mean by “goody two shoes” Andy?

Not smoking or drinking, not backchatting parents, sticking to rules and doing homework?

Nah. Still wouldn’t be happy for my daughter to be under the influence of someone who thought these things didn’t matter, or who thought of her in teasing terms for not getting into trouble.

Your behaviour was yours and your parents problem alone. Not my daughter’s to fix, or for her to risk her future being dragged down with you.

Original poster
Palfrey1 · 06/12/2018 08:08

Interesting responses with a lot of assumptions

I hadn’t disclosed whether my child was the troubled teen or the well behaved one

Thank you for everyone who had something positive to add

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 06/12/2018 08:45

OP at 13-14 there is still time for the teen to become less troubled.

JudgeRindersMinder · 06/12/2018 08:58

This happened with my dd at a similar age and the advice I got on here was much the same, don’t ban it, and almost love bomb the boyfriend. I took the advice, however dd dropped him after a couple of weeks when he had objected to her speaking to another lad she was friends with. From then on I was massively reassured about her judgement, there were never any further issues and she’s been very happily with her boyfriend for over 4 years now (she’s in her 20s now))

greendale17 · 06/12/2018 09:03

I wouldn’t be happy and I wouldn’t accept it

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 06/12/2018 09:09

Hmm, I wasn't the best behaved 14 year old load. Some alcohol, even a bit of weed. My mum explained the implications of it all to me but knew there was a limit to what she could effectively enforce. I grew out of all that and did fine in my exams in the end, went on to university etc.

So she was very liberal in that respect. However, if she ever found out I'd mistreated a girlfriend she'd have given mean absolute shoeing. Shock

It's one area where she wouldn't tolerate her sons getting it wrong.

Melliejellie · 06/12/2018 09:15

I would watch very carefully and reinforce boundaries around when and where they meet. And keep the child busy. My best friend started going out with a guy like this at 13. She was from a loving home with good parents who "trusted her" and who thought that objecting to the boyfriend would create a Romeo and Juliet situation. However they were very naive really, and long story short my friend ended up with her teenage years ruined by her relationship with this guy. She says she wishes her parents hadn't tried to be so liberal and understanding and had put their foot down instead. The boyfriend ended up being abusive, and it was hard for her to set boundaries with him without being able to say "my parents don't allow that"

Vampiratequeen · 06/12/2018 09:28

I wouldn't be happy about it but I would be polite to him and welcome him into the family, I would trust my DD and let her know she can trust me.
I would maybe set a few rules like no smoking in the house, but still be accommodating.
If you try to fight the relationship, you will push her away.

VikkiStMichael1 · 06/12/2018 16:18

It won't last hopefully

YeOldeTrout · 06/12/2018 16:30

Trouble teens (people) tend to attract each other.
So probably my teen would have their own host of issues, and how I felt really depends if they supported each other or amplified each other's problems (can go either way).

No, I wouldn't be chuffed, but you make do best you can with helping them make the best choices they can.

IdaBWells · 06/12/2018 16:39

I have 3 kids ages 18, 15 and 12. The 12 yr old is a boy who is 5' 9" so seems like a teen too. We know a lot of teens and none of them are smoking, drinking, vaping and getting into trouble at any age, let alone 13/14. Our 18 and 15 year olds are not dating yet as they have not met anyone they've romantically interested in, so none of them were were dating so young. I don't live in the UK anymore so maybe it is normal but where we live that behaviour is very unusual. I wouldn't want my kids around it.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 06/12/2018 16:41

Drinking/smoking absolutely not 'typical' for this age, and I wouldn't be allowing my 13yo (I have one) to associate with a drinker/smoker.

I'd also expect any 'going out with' to be essentially a glorified friendship, and would be discouraging anything else. What further action I would take would depend on the nature of the trouble at school/rule breaking. I couldn't get het up about laziness with homework or uniform infractions. But violence, bullying, drugs? My child wouldn't be spending any time with that person outside school.

ToastyFingers · 06/12/2018 17:04

I was the 'troubled teen'.
My parents drank heavily and took drugs and these things were totally normal in my house.
I was, and still am (I hope) I good person. I'm honest, reliable and kind and if anything, I spent my teenage years being too nice and getting walked all over.

Friend's parents clearly shared the views of some posters here as most of my friends grew distant and a few even said they weren't allowed to hang out with me, because I was 'from a bad family'.

This meant I had a shitty home life and absolutely no support. Until I left school I was absolutely miserable and so, so lonely.
It took me years to feel like a worthwhile person, to believe I deserved friends, and I still worry as an adult that people will judge me for my upbringing.