To ask how you would react if your young teen started dating a troubled teen?

[Palfrey1]

How would you feel if your 13/14 year old started going out with someone the same age but had a few issues such as

• always in trouble at school, frequently excluded
• bit of a dare devil / risk taker / rule breaker
• doing all the typical teenage stuff such as drinking / smoking / vaping

But they treated your child exceptionally well and with respect and consideration?

Would you put a stop to the relationship? Would you feel happier meeting the parents? Would you do nothing and just hope your child 'moves on' to a more suitable bf / gf soon?

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Yesterday 22:37 JustABetterPlayer

Pay a child from a few years above to ‘pursuade’ said little shit to look elsewhere, while simultaneously pretending you are totally cool with it.
I have a feeling op might be the" little shit's" parent

No dating at that age. NO NO NO!

Wouldn't let a 14 14 year old date. They would know the house rules.

Aw Toasty - that has really made me feel sad for you :(

I wouldn't be someone to ban my child from seeing undesirables, but unfortunately a lot of parents are.

I think what some people don't realise is that life is a lottery and you can do the best you can, I'm sure some of the 'good' kids will make plenty of bad choices and mistakes, just like some of the 'bad' kids will end up minted and happy :)

Mine always grew up with no dating rule until 16, they were always busy anyway with hobbies and study. And told that their own interests, ambitions and needs were paramount.
Over my dead body would they be having a relationship with a wayward teen anyway at age 13, ffs.
Some of the responses here demonstrate why there's a good proportion of teenagers in abusive relationships. It isn't someone's responsibility (usually a girl lets face it) to teach someone how to behave themselves.

Absolutely agree with McWilde
It is not the responsibility of a child to ‘fix’ another child. It immaterial how the ‘troubled teen’ is behaving in one narrow aspect (treating bf/gf well at the moment). You are the sum of all parts. It the precursor to abusive relationship with a saviour complex - “only I see the good in them” “they’ll only I see the real person” - it’s bollocks. You are how you behave towards everyone not towards one person. If you are smoking, gaping and whatever at 14, then you are already arrogant enough to have decided that you know better than the adults around you and already picking and choosing the boundaries. That means you are quite happy to break someone’s else’s boundaries because you don’t like them.
Dangerous & I would ensure the relationship ceased immediately.

*vaping not gaping!

If you are smoking, gaping and whatever at 14, then you are already arrogant enough to have decided that you know better than the adults around you and already picking and choosing the boundaries.

Do you have any evidence to support this? Even anecdotally? Because it sounds like the sort of crap people spout when they think they're above these sorts of problems.

My DCs have always been free to make their own judgements about people. I would want to make their BF or GF feel welcome in my house. I certainly wouldn’t try and put my DC off and I wouldn’t expect to meet the parents.

Sounds like a description of my son.

He has a few problems, but I know he's a good kid deep down. I would like to think if he met a 'nice girl' to hang out with her parents would give us the benefit of the doubt. He comes from a good loving family. Guess maybe not by reading a lot of these comments.

Wow @effic. I think I'd feel stifled by your no flaws policy 😕

Nobody would pick this situation for their young teenager let's face it. But to start describing the teen in question as a fledgling abuser is harsh and very presumptuous indeed

I was this 'troubled teen' - smoked from 12, in hospital with alcholic poisoning at 14, constantly in trouble in school, fighting etc. I came from a very loving home with parents who had clear boundaries and high aspirations so far from the home life PP are assuming.

Cue 35 years later I've been very happily married for 23 years, 2 DS, went to uni and I'm now a teacher so the troubled teen can come good

Children and teens that are bubble wrapped gain their own set of problems in adult life. Gentle exposure and guidance through challenging times and challenging people and behaviours is essential really

I would hope that my teen would help the troubled teen to overcome their problems and to understand that some people have a difficult life through no fault of their own

Said no parent ever

I would sabotage any way possible OP, don’t let your child know you’re doing this though. Pretend to be nonchalant about the relationship but expedite the breakup one way or another

Don’t be silly Limp.

There’s a fair-sized middle ground between bubble wrapping kids, and letting them go into an environment where it’s normal for 13 year olds to be drinking alcohol without their parents’ supervision.

From looking around at DD1 (14 in March) and her peers, I’d say about 99% of us manage it just fine.

13 year olds are teens in name only. Don’t confuse them with 16/17 year olds. Drinking and smoking at such a young age is a fairly serious situation.

I would totally sabotage this relationship. When I was 15 my I started a friendship with someone just like that -drinking, smoking- and the person was lovely and smart. We shared the same interest in music, had long talks and slowly it progressed into something deeper and we started secretly dating. Few weeks later I realised I was not ready for that and also felt uncomfortable about all the secrecy as I was not allowed to date and had strict rules at home and also all the smoking and drinking was bothering me. However I didn't know how to end this premature relationship, I was only 15. We read threads here everyday with women tying to get out of a relationship but not know how to do it - let alone a teenager do it with someone that I was seeing everyday st school.
Eventually my parents found out and put their feet down and told me either I would end it or they would confront the "troubled teen". I am glad they did it because I wanted to get out but didn't know how. In the end I just said "my parents do not allow and I will get into a massive trouble I'm sorry". Phew! I was so relieved that my parents sabotaged it for me Xx

I am the parent of the badly behaved teen. He is currently hanging out with the 'good' teen who gets high grades, polite, well spoken, plays 2 musical instruments etc. both are 13.

I have just found a video on an ipad (which is linked to my son's phone) of her giving him a bong and them both smoking cannabis.

This was last night when he was at her house for tea with her Mum downstairs! Unbelievable! Maybe it's time to have a conversation with her Mum

Wow that's a turn up!!! I bet you didn't see that coming? What will you do or say to your DS and the girl's mum?

They need to kept apart for their own good.
They shouldn’t be encouraging each other in this kind of behaviour.

Totally gobsmacked at how many people say they would (or even could) ‘sabotage’ this relationship? How?

Quite how coming from a ‘naice’ family is supposed to be some kind of insurance about ‘turning out ok’ or ‘not being in abusive relationships’ is beyond me. And clearly being from a ‘naice’ family does not = not smoking weed. As the OP has outlined.

Had had a similar situation with dd (now 15) she has been with her bf for a year. Like many teens this age there have been drugs, they are sexually active. He is a bit rough. He isn’t the BF I would choose but I am welcoming and warm and respectful. He comes round a lot (I would rather they were here anyway). Me and dd talk about how to negotiate all this stuff.

This in contrast to my own childhood. When I started doing all this naughty stuff (I was older) my mum went ape, we barely spoke for a year and I left home.

OP, do you know gf’s mum? Will you have a conversation with her?

I thought you were the bad teens DM Hippo as your thread says.

I always wonder in threads like this how many posters actually have teenage DC!

My DS is now 17 and whilst at 13/14 he was neither dating / drinking / smoking weed , there were plenty of DC at his school who were.

3 years later some of these young people have found themselves to be in further trouble, but others are attending college or doing apprenticeships and have some good friendships.

A 9 pm bedtime? No dating at 14? Really?

I'm trying to imagine the bedtime curfew with mine

I would keep the lines of communication open with your child but obviously id be very worried and invite the boy round and try to include him in stuff and get to know him.
Then I'd ask my child to try to speak to him about why he behaves as he does and maybe make it clear to him she doesn't like it and find it attractive?

Maybe the relationship nay fizzle out in time - or he may start behaving better.
But no way would I be happy with them hanging out anywhere other than bowling/ Cinema or at home.

It's tricky but you need to make sure you chat to your child and explain your worries.

If anyone wants to pop over & force my manic never-stop-talking 14yo into bed right now, I'd be ever so grateful.