to think we need to be honest about childbirth?

[DidntKnowThat]

I had a baby 6 weeks ago.

There were a huge number of things I had NO IDEA about and wish I would have known. I even think some of these things should be taught to teenagers in school. It's life, and biology, and IMPORTANT.

I didn't know about:

• Lochia
• What colostrum was
• How hard breastfeeding is
• Baby blues
• Hair loss
• Relaxin and its effects
• That you can tear upwards (learnt this the hard way)
• That there was a thing called 'pre-labour'
• piles
• heartburn
• leg cramps
• Water retention

I'm sure there are more.... however these are all really common things, and I would have loved to have known about them before I got pregnant. I sort of found out as I went along and was constantly worried about what was normal.

AIBU to think that we should be talking way more about childbirth and pregnancy to younger people (teenagers, not young children), and that we should naturally be more educated and 'in the know' about one of the most natural things in the world?

I may also have had far more empathy for other pregnant women around me (which I now have, 100%)

Or, maybe IABU and I should have just used google 😆

I was aware of most of these as a teenager and promised myself I’d never put my body through it. I even swore that if I got pregnant and couldn’t get an abortion, I’d jump off a cliff.

I do wonder if the brutal honesty about childbirth is glossed over in order not to put women off having children.

I had my babies a very long time ago, before the days of the internet and google but I did read up on it in books when I was an adult and needed the information.

Not sure it's absolutely vital to know all those things before you get pregnant, surely you can look them up as you go along.

As far as teaching these things in school is concerned, I disagree unless you're going to be having babies soon after leaving school you'll probably have forgotten it all by the time you do have children.

For some reason my, then forward thinking school, thought it would be helpful to show us how to bathe a baby - I'm sure there were other related things but I can't remember them. I was 16 at the time and like the majority of the other girls in my class completely uninterested in babies. By the time I came to have my first child at the age of 31 anything baby related I'd learned in school was completely forgotten.

School children have general educational subjects to learn. They can inform themselves about the minutiae of childbirth if and when they're thinking for having children.

I get you OP. I can't say I knew much about all this stuff before giving birth.

I think NCT/NHS antenatal is the place for a more honest discussion. I was shocked at how little NCT prepared me for the reality of giving birth.

I've never given birth but I knew those things. I've understood that women bleed for weeks on end after birth and that the clots can be as big as tennisballs and that you can you can soak through two maternity pads within minutes at the beginning weeks. I've heard about women getting meshes for their urethra because they tore upwards. I know many women who quit breastfeeding within the first two weeks because it was too hard. I've heard women say that the piles after birth made them cry when they realised they needed a poo. I've seen women balloon and not be able to wear shoes because of water retention.

Seriously, the information is out there. It sounds to me that you might have put your head in the sand a bit. Which might be a good thing as you have to go through with it anyway once pregnant. A lot of people do, they just think about the cute baby and decorating the room and kind of mercifully forget anything bad that happened to someone else. So I'm not sure if more information will help if people subconsciously decide not to listen.

Also, I find that a lot of people think if something has a 1 in a 1000 chance of happening, then it won't happen to them. Unfortunately, some people have to be the ones that it happens to.

9 months of pregnancy

I read and googled.

Can’t believe anyone wouldn’t tbh

Good post @sar302

The problem is that if you teach people breast feeding can be difficult, then it will be. It doesnt take much to put people off even trying. Your baby is very young, you may feel differntly in a few weeks

Absolutely agree with the point about the fuss made over surgery when none is made over cs (as they are so common now), and because they come with risk purely because they are major surgery!!!

Complete denial on TV.

Drives me nuts the portrayal of women birthing, all the trussed up like a chicken shouting and screaming and crying!!!

I have heard a bit of that on wards, but more of the deep cow-like birthing sounds of delivery.

It needs to stop as it is terrifying to watch and I didn't feel at all like that during mine and only made the cow-like urging sounds at the end each time.

That was with large tears, no stitches, lots of lochia for a month, but told that you should not soak through towels and that's a sign of further intervention required, and that breast feeding brings your womb back down hence the after pains when feeding.

There is nothing on tv, hence its not 'general knowledge' and women are always shown just gloriously happy and up and about immediately after (which I was, and many are, but equally many aren't)

It really should be widely known, as when you're pregnant its too damned late.

Pregnancy rates always fall in countries with good birth control and better work opportunities for women.

That you can shit yourself in labour. Thankfully my ex-husband didn’t tell me for about 6 months and only admitted it when I saw it happen to someone on One Born Every Minute!

I thought I was well-read, but I still didn't know about deep tissue thrush, or rectoceles until it happened.

@DidntKnowThat

It sounds like you got a pretty shitty end of what can be a massively shitty oversold stick. All the reading in the world can't prepare you for the horror of 'rarely's (according to the books!) happening, to you, over and over again. Bollocks to 'it doesn't matter'. It matters a lot.

Sorry you are feeling so shell-shocked. I had a far less traumatic pregnancy and birth than you and I felt shitty about it for months. I felt cheated of the birth I had 'planned' and let down by my own body. I think we could all do with being told a lot more about the 'if it goes wrong' things they are so keen not to talk to you about because it's 'so rare' or 'not the norm' - the supposed norm would, if it happened, then be a welcome relief, whereas at the moment we're psyched up to 'perform' a perfect labour and feel like shit/traumatised/failures if that isn't what happens (as it doesn't in so many cases for one reason or another).

Have a hug from me. I hope your prognosis for your injury is good, and you'll soon start feeling brighter. It does lift eventually, in my experience, but if you are still feeling bad in a few weeks or feel much worse do talk to your midwife/HV/GP - you will be taken seriously, maternity is a HUGE risk factor for women's mental health and they will help you xx

Why shouldn't it be taught in school?
I know what you mean, and I think I’m an ideal world it would be. But Michael Goves curriculum means that there were s no space for anything not gcse related. each gcse has between 3 an d 5 exams , and the stress levels and pressure for the year 11s is really high.
My dds school had kids self harming and having my panic attacks last year. Truely aweful.

I’m for a broader cirriculum, including more life skills.

To be honest, pregnancy and birth I'd just a fact of life. We were all born, it's something billions of women go through. Some people have a relatively smooth labour, others don't. I have had 3 - one where I was induced and in hospital having transfusions and all sorts, a water one (which I didn't actually find relaxing at all!) and one where it was over in a couple of hours. I don't obsess over it though - it's just something that bought my babies into the world. It can be gruesome, loads of bleeding for weeks after etc but it's just part of the process. Personally I am glad I didn't know all the details before my first pregnancy. Why stress women out until they need to know? I always remember my mum getting really annoyed when she saw traumatic labour on TV as she said it may hurt but it's still the most incredible thing in the world!

I think you’re right - the books I read sort of mentioned it but in a “softly softly let’s not scare the living shite out of the pregnant lady” way - the only candid information I got was from other mums blogs :’)

I had a emergency C-Section and whilst I had a good amount of knowledge about what it entailed (twin pregnancy so higher likelihood of c-section) but jeez the experience and more specifically the after effects were way more terrifying than any nurse, doctor or book described.

I think candour is needed - not sure about the age of when this should be taught but do think that Sex Ed could do with being a bit more realistic in what exactly pregnancy entails.

Until I read up on it I had no idea about sooooo much and still couldn’t connect what I’d read with what I experienced or saw :’)

It's hardly going to take two years gcse style is it. A few one-off q&a's sessions and a bit of additional reasing, done right it only takes aa negligible amount of time over the course of a few years.

Or, maybe IABU and I should have just used google 😆

And why not? You had 9 months to read about it. You can’t swinf a cat on mumsnet without reading about an awful birth story.

Open up any book on pregnant, ANY, and you will find reference to colostrum.

I could go on. And on.

I hate this blame culture. We are adults. Something huge happens to our body. Either make the decision not to find out anything and go with the flow, whether that is good or bad OR prepare.

For you not to have known about colostrum really does mean you read squat all. Fair enough. But you can’t then look around to blame.

Part of the problem with teaching this sort of thing in schools is what and how much you teach.

Each pregnancy is different so you're not teaching an 'exact science' so where do you draw the line.

It's not like teaching the theory of something, a great many of the girls will be going through pregnancies at some later date. Go into too much detail about the possible horrors of pregnancy and you have the potential for a great many of them to be left feeling fearful of any future pregnancies they might have.

In an age when everything is available online and information is there at the touch of a button, surely a lot of the finer points of pregnancy and childbirth can be researched when the time comes when the woman concerned wants the relevant information.

Good post Workreturner. Read and inform yourself, it's not hard to do.

It's the same with any new thing you undertake, if you don't take the trouble to learn about it then you only have yourself to blame if things happen that you're not prepared for.

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I also think that people may have misunderstood what you said which was that some of these things should be taught in school. Things like water retention might not be particularly relevant, whereas I feel like knowing what colostrum is is kind of important and interesting and vaginal tearing seems something that should at least be mentioned. I also think educating children on baby blues as part of a wider education on mental health and might be happening to people around them is valuable. Why wouldn't you teach those things? Teenagers have a right to knowledge about their reproductive system, also a contextual knowledge about how and why childbirth has been historically dangerous and the risks that are still involved.

God, women can be really shitty to eachother can't they.

I became pregnant at 15, I was completely clueless about a lot of things i went through and well childbirth was a very traumatic experience

I also had no idea about so many things to do with pregnancy.

I definitely think we should talk to our girls to help them be better prepared. not necessarily when they're teens and nothing thinking of pregnancy, but when they get pregnant and/or before that when they're adults.

It's certainly worth knowing beforehand! Surely its deterrent for early pregnancy.

Stats do suggest that the better informed and more in control and active in your own birth you are, the better the outcomes wasn't that the premis of the NCT?

...and lemaze...