to think we need to be honest about childbirth?

[DidntKnowThat]

I had a baby 6 weeks ago.

There were a huge number of things I had NO IDEA about and wish I would have known. I even think some of these things should be taught to teenagers in school. It's life, and biology, and IMPORTANT.

I didn't know about:

• Lochia
• What colostrum was
• How hard breastfeeding is
• Baby blues
• Hair loss
• Relaxin and its effects
• That you can tear upwards (learnt this the hard way)
• That there was a thing called 'pre-labour'
• piles
• heartburn
• leg cramps
• Water retention

I'm sure there are more.... however these are all really common things, and I would have loved to have known about them before I got pregnant. I sort of found out as I went along and was constantly worried about what was normal.

AIBU to think that we should be talking way more about childbirth and pregnancy to younger people (teenagers, not young children), and that we should naturally be more educated and 'in the know' about one of the most natural things in the world?

I may also have had far more empathy for other pregnant women around me (which I now have, 100%)

Or, maybe IABU and I should have just used google 😆

Didn't you read up all about it before you got pg? I did. There are loads of books out there that cover all these things.

It's not the place of school to teach this stuff. There are plenty of books, you can talk to friends and family or do an NCT course. If you can't afford NCT, hospitals run free courses. People should take responsibility for themselves. And as for the horror stories of the "reality" of birth, every experience is different and scaring people does not help.

I helped out at nct classes after having my two and the breastfeeding counsellor used to say how little attention most people paid to what she was saying at the time. I think a lot if it is that until you are in the actual position of needing information people arent interested.

I did nct classes and yoga for birth classes, read lots and felt very prepared when i had my two back in the earky 90’s and would have loved it if mumsnet had been around.

I dont think there is any point going into this much detail for school kids - it is not relevant and they wont take it in.

I don't see the point of teaching the details of childbirth at school - people dont tend to be interested in lots of technical detail that have no immediate relevance to their lives. When you are pregnant you get months to go read up about childbirth, breastfeeding etc if you're so inclined but you still wont "get" it until you do it.

On another note, if you scare people too much before the actual birth, what if the mother becomes too scared to try and push? She could endanger the life of her baby, forced into having a C-section which wasn't strictly necessary.

The information is out there if you want to find it. Christ there is here, netmums, baby centre, one born every minute, NCT, hospital classes, other mother's, your own mother.... Plenty of women who you can talk to and who can share their story if you want graphic detail. If you honestly think that childbirth is a guaranteed walk in the park then you are absolutely deluded.

Op I think you’re right, yes you can google somethings but most of the time it’s written in such away it won’t happen to you. I would actually go further and say we sugar coat birth too much and perpetuate a myth we’re in control. Giving birth today in the UK is still an inherently risky business and outcome is almost entirely down to luck but men don’t want to let women talk about such things as going from low risk pregnancy to mother and baby on life support with a couple of hours. Ptsd from childbirth is a massive issue, which many people think could be reduced (at least inseverity)if there was a bit more honestly out there. Popular media is all full of a few grunts and baby is out having a nice cuddle rather than the birth looking like the aftermath of some massacre.

@DidntKnowThat I am sorry that your birth was so traumatic and glad that your baby is doing well.
I think it sounds like you need some help with the traumatic element of this. I think as a society that is actually what we are missing, the aftercare and acknowledgment that in order to get your lovely healthy baby out of you, your body almost couldn't cope. And that's the thing it's still your body. Somehow in pregnancy we seem to sometimes lose ownership of our bodies and I think that continues with breastfeeding (not having a go at bf just acknowledging that for some people it can feel alien for a while).
I have attended a post birth trauma/ hypnotherapy type thing to help deal with a very traumatic situation. I found it very helpful, my dh is actually going to go too as due to a post partum haemorrhage in my previous birth that left him thinking I was dead for a few hours, we are both pretty worked up about current pregnancy (25 wks at the mo).
Birth trauma is a thing and I think that when it is not dealt with swiftly and properly it can lead to further complications such as PND and PTSD.
I hope that you can seek some help.

@DidntKnowThat

With all the things teenagers need to learn about, all the exams they need to take, do you really think they need to learn about breastfeeding? Really?

We learn the biology, the science, so we can learn to prevent pregnancy and simply be aware of how it all works. If you choose to become a parent, you can go learn more in depth.

We are all at risk if developing a common disease like cancer, but we don't all learn about every little side effect. We all have the right to learn to drive, but we don't all get exams in the highway code. Only if we choose to actually do it.

There's no need to pile on to teenagers all this extra info for something they should not even be considering. We are perfectly capable of continuing out education as adults when it is necessary.

This is why people make a fuss of you when you are pregnant because they know how hard it can be and that things can go wrong even in pregnancy but how many people do you see on here complaining about it because they are not ill they are only pregnant!

I do sometimes feel I live in a different world to some people! I feel like I was very aware of this - even more so after a pregnancy I spent reading, doing classes etc. I was put off having kids of years because I thought it was so awful (not just the birth, but the baby stage and then juggling). I feel like the messages are everywhere that it is hard, and ruins toury life and body and relationship.

But in reality, I found the whole thing a lot easier than I expected. I don't think my birth was especially ideal, he did come out via forceps in theatre, but I found the recovery and breastfeeding and whole having a baby thing a pleasant surprise.

I'm not at all saying this is the case for everyone, in fact it clearly isn't. But just pointing out that everyone's experiences are so varied - what exactly would you have them focussing on at school etc?

I agree OP and actually think it should be taught in schools too, why not? It's information about key life experiences that the girls will probably go through themselves or the boys will be expected to support their partners through. Those saying it's not immediately relevant to to teens forget that loads of stuff taught in school isn't massively relevant to young people's lives but it is considered important that they have at least a basic grasp of these things as they are so important.

Whilst I agree with lots of PP that there is a wealth of information about pregnancy, birth etc online or in books, the big issue for me is that this information is not part of the mainstream portrayal and representation of pregnancy, birth and parenting. Look at the way these things are shown in TV shows and films and there is literally zero mention of lochia or difficulties associated with breastfeeding, nobody ever tears or suffers incontenience afterwards. A woman may talk about the nasty side effects of birth with a few close friends or her partner, but realistically it's still a bit of a taboo to talk about these things openly and honestly. Consequently you get a whole group of women and men that aren't party to this information and don't proactively search for it before they decide to get pregnant as they're not even aware that they are missing massive chunks of information that they should be aware of. Often when they do find out the shock of the realities of birth etc can make the whole experience infinitely worse.

No, YANBU. There is definitely a tendency not to want to put women off, and of course our bodies and their various unique and miraculous functions have always been taboo! If we talk about our bodies, we are thought of as "attention seeking". Many young women are put off having children and our birth rates in the UK are plummeting. What we need is better post natal support for women. NHS midwives are complaining heavily about this, as they are not allowed to spend enough time with women in the weeks after they've given birth (which are critical for establishing breastfeeding in particular). Breastfeeding is definitely not as easy as it looks and women feel like they have 'failed' when it doesn't go smoothly. Better support is desperately needed

OP I also had a bad tear (up down and out to the side). Tearing your urethra is very painful and there is very little info about it. Have you got any kind of follow up in terms of seeing the physio or gynaecologist? It does take a long time to stop hurting. My little one is six months old and I do feel better now.

I don't think you can ever adequately prepare for birth but some things are talked about more than others.

I knew about most of those. Just had to google lochia as didn’t know about that, even after multiple pregnancies! I knew about tearing upwards, luckily I avoided that as it sounds horrendous.
What I didn’t know; that you might not get any relief between contractions towards the end and that the pain is constant. That you can contract and dilate and not feel anything, I got to two centimetres without feeling anything at all. That I would be vomiting non stop from 6cm. That lots of the pain would be in my legs! Everyone talked about the milk coming in at day but I had milk for months before and loads straight after the birth, there was no difference between colostrum and milk for me.

I think I was aware of several of those things, but like you say had no concept of how bad some of it can be.

A month before I had DC1 my brother had emergency gall bladder surgery. Yes he was very unwell and I don't mean to downplay that, but t was loads of fussing and looking after him and his first walk around the block again after was so hard etc etc.

Then a month later I had an emcs following three days of failed induction. I was handed some mild painkillers and sent on my way to entertain the people who were keen to see the new baby and get on with it. My brother could barely be left by himself when he first came him as we must care for the man we had had emergency surgery. I was expected to get on with my normal life and care for a baby as though my emergency surgery was somehow something less traumatic or painful.

I think all of these things are downplayed because "you aren't sick- you are having a baby". It's all natural and normal and so we must soldier on. It's quite unfair.

Most of that is just common knowledge I think, certainly I knew it before pregnancy. I don't see the point in learning about it in school, when for many it's irrelevant for their stage in life, and the information is readily available.

And in any event, pregnancy and chuksbirth varies hugely, and everyone's experiences are so different. I had horrendously disabling spd for much of my pregnancy, but a pretty painless section recovery with heavy lochia for less than 24hrs, and it was pretty much done within a week (rarely even filled a pad - lighter than a period). And no baby blues, but instead a feeling of almost manic elation, and I didn't breastfeed. So my experience is totally different from someone who didn't have spd, had a vaginal birth, heavy lochia, baby blues, breastfeeding difficulties etc. There is no typical when it comes to childbirth, except that it will usually involve some pain, usually involve some form of wound/stitching, there will be a period of bleeding ranging from a light period to a bloodbath, and the time afterwards often involves extreme emotions. Oh, and vaginal birth doesn't always equal easy, and c section doesn't always equal hard.

Aside from that, who knows...

It's a bit like our later years - it won't be us who are the ones in a scruffy care Home dribbling into our bibs. Always someone else (hence no need for a 'dementia' tax).

I had my baby 5 weeks ago. I knew about the physical side effects like cramps and piles from my mum, and lochia from NCT. I didn't know that I may end up having an oxytocin drip post birth for hours due to a fast labour causing uterine atony/potential haemorrhage. Or that I would end up in stirrups. Or that I would still be crying from hormonal changes after a month. YANBU exactly but it would take weeks of education to cover all the eventualities. So much happened to me even in my 7 hour labour and it was a fairly straightforward one.

sloth you got elated too? I thought I was the only one. Was expecting baby blues but instead was high as a kite.

The information is out there, but as has been said there are so many eventualities that to compile and teach it still would be representative of experiences across the board. I have found midwives to be very honest when asked, but guessing they follow the woman’s lead in how much they want to know prior to the birth?

Would not be*

She could endanger the life of her baby, forced into having a C-section which wasn't strictly necessary.

Just out of interest, how does having a not-strictly-necessary section endanger the life of a baby more than a vaginal birth?

@Monkeynuts18 I wondered this too. I thought c sections were pretty safe now.

I read up plenty bit a lot of it was underplayed. They didn't say that much lochia or that much hair loss or that much trouble with piles. They didn't say breast feeding would hurt that much but just that if it did then a quick shift in technique would sort the niggle.

And then with dc two ...afterpains ...yeah, fuck me...where was the gas and air for that shit?

@DidntKnowThat
I get what you mean. I did all the reading. I knew what some of the worst case scenarios could be. I just never understood what it would be like in reality - as obviously you don until it happens.

I also had a traumatic birth, and am still dealing with my injuries one year on, and will do for life. I don't think you sound ill educated around birth, I think you sound angry, scared, and betrayed. Like why on earth didn't people say it could be this bad. All those emotions I have felt.

As for anyone who tells you to be thankful because the baby is fine. They can fuck off. You are a person in your own right, and are allowed to be not ok, despite your baby being safe and well. I am now at a place where I can feel that I'd rather be in the state that I am now, rather than my baby having suffered and me being fine (IYSWIM) but I am a year down the line.

When you're ready, there's no shame in accessing help. You experienced something traumatic. It doesn't matter that it's "natural". I hope you find a way to get better physically and emotionally xx