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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have cancelled my favour?

122 replies

nottomgates · 04/12/2018 18:53

My friend asked me to arrange her big birthday night out. She is having 4 celebrations from meals out with the girls to a cocktail night out. The cocktail night she asked me to arrange. I was given 20 names and numbers of who to invite( the majority I don’t know). On a group chat one of the girls offered her BF bar as a meet up point and she would provide free canopies and 2 bottles of fizz. Perfect I thought. I checked in with my friend on the arrangements and she became very rude and abrupt. She had wanted to meet in a cheap cheerful city centre pub on a Saturday night. I told her the bar is on the way and that we could decorate the table and make it special. I phoned her and she was still very rude saying that’s not what she had in mind. I ended the phone call by saying that I feel like I’ve upset her and I’ve not done anything with the intent of upsetting her. She said I had upset her. I said we should leave the conversation and think about what we’ve both said.
I think she does know what she has in mind, and I obviously don’t. She knows where people live and where they can meet up, I don’t. With hindsight I then felt uncomfortable asking up to 20 people I don’t know for money. I’m also the only one of her friends who works from home in the evenings. Most nights I have brought home work that needs doing for the morning and I always have work emails that I read and respond to.
A few days later I tried to be diplomatic and not hurtful to my friend. I told her that I think I should pass the baton back to her to organise her own party as she knows what she wants, knows how to ask the others for money without causing offence and I took too much on with work commitments. In truth I know she can be hard work with organisational things and knew we’d still have problems me going back and forth with plans.
She accused me of of spitting my dummy out because I didn’t get my own way with regards to the meet up bar.
I’ve text three times since and got the same response- she’s busy. I tried phoning and she didn’t answer.
Have I been unreasonable? ( I didn’t offer to organise her night out- it was put on me).
Btw I organised my own big birthday night out.

OP posts:

SalemBlackCat4 · 05/12/2018 06:19

4 celebrations? Ok, what the ever-loving fuck?!?? What type of birthday is it? Her 21st? Her 50th? She seems like an over-self-indulgent over-grown child. Past the 21st, you usually stop giving a fuck about your birthday. I scowl anytime anyone brings up my upcoming birthday. I do NOT want a birthday, I NOT want to get a year older! Less fuss is made about it, the better, to me. She sounds like a 9 year old child wanting lots of fuss and presents. A big over-grown child.

EerieSilence · 05/12/2018 06:30

@nottomgates , have you always been the doormat friend, the person to go to for shitty jobs or is this something new?
Tell her to organise the party on her own.

Alfie190 · 05/12/2018 06:50

Stop grovelling! Who on earth asks a friend to organise their birthday night out? I have literally never come across that before.

Iloveacurry · 05/12/2018 06:59

She sounds like hard work! If she doesn’t like your arrangements, then she needs to organise her own birthday celebrations. And who has 4 different celebrations anyway?

FestiveNut · 05/12/2018 07:17

Some people seem to get more entitled the more you grovel and chase. It gives them satisfaction and convinces them they have a legitimate reason to feel aggrieved. I have to relatives like this. The best thing to do is ignore the bad behaviour. Do not rise to it. Stop texting her if she's being a c*nt and when you see her over Christmas, just act normally. She will either bow to social convention and be civil in return or everyone will see what an arse she is.

Miscible · 05/12/2018 07:40

If your entitled friend doesn't like your cousin enough to invite her to any of her four birthday functions, I would suggest you contact your cousin and suggest she be left out of her Christmas plans. That would solve your Christmas problems. If she won't, leave your parents to visit on their own.

ImaginaryCat · 05/12/2018 07:54

Christ on a bike woman, you are worth so much more than this. If the other 20 friends liked the sound of the cocktail bar, go with them, and ditch the princess. You might meet some nicer people who show you what a quality friendship is. (And you have the perfect ice breaker, comparing notes about what a dick the birthday girl is)

ChasedByBees · 05/12/2018 08:09

You need to stop contacting her now. The ball is firmly in her court.

Beware a situation where after a while of silence from you, she’ll text you something which requires a reply of apologising more and then enjoy the further texts from you.

You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for.

RangeRider · 05/12/2018 08:17

You need to build up your self worth because you are not valuing yourself very highly at all to be chasing this unpleasant individual to maintain a friendship. Really, you are worth more
This ^^. She's not worth it. You are. Anyone that has 4 celebrations and then tantrums because someone can't read her mind when they're doing her a favour deserves to get binned. Tell her to organise it herself and drop her.

Boredisboring · 05/12/2018 08:17

Question 1 - Why is this woman so important to you?
Question 2 - Do you think that you are just as important to her?

Be honest.

Hisaishi · 05/12/2018 08:17

She doesn't sound like a friend at all.

Just block and move on. Or if you still have to see her around, just be polite but don't get too involved.

Is she quite young? It all sounds very dramatic.

RandomObject · 05/12/2018 08:20

She sounds like a complete cow, and an ungrateful one at that.

ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse · 05/12/2018 08:49

OP, please don't chase her again and please don't apologise if she does deign to contact you.

She will contact you if you stop chasing her, you know, because she will be cross you've stopped stoking her ego. This may give you an indicator of what she thinks of you - you're not a person, but just an automaton with no feelings of your own and no purpose but to be of use to her. Obv this is not a realistic image of you, as you are a person with feelings and you have a right to be treated kindly just like anyone else.

She needs telling (or at least showing) that she's being unfair. Do not give way.

olivertwistwantsmore · 05/12/2018 08:52

Who the hell has 4 birthday parties and gets other people to organise them for her? (Are you friends with Mariah Carey? Is it a Kardashian?)

This!!!

Your 'friend' is an entitled madam. Sack her off.

QueenDaisy · 05/12/2018 09:07

Unless you’ve already said in a text, you need to text her that you’re no longer planning the night out, as owing to work commitments you don’t have the time, then go on the Group Chat & say the same, but adding in that BrideZilla does not like what you were arranging & make clear that your work commitments make it impossible for you to start again, good luck, she’s a CF that you don’t need in your life

OutPinked · 05/12/2018 09:20

Ha she sounds like a total twerp, this is pretty funny tbh. Get new friends.

firstbrightday · 05/12/2018 09:28

Just stop contacting her. You've told her you're not doing it anymore; end of story.

Who are these people who have loads of separate celebrations for their birthdays and ask other people to organise?! In truth, very few people are interested in the fact that it's someone else's birthday.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 05/12/2018 09:34

Who the fuck has four parties?

OP stop texting her, leave her alone. Stop pandering to her drama.

OffToBedhampton · 05/12/2018 18:33

Really OP have you sent a text that indicates you might still arrange this, then you ought send one that says no now.. e.g..

"You told me to arrange one of your birthday celebrations for cocktails for.you. It wasn't easy but I did & arranged a nice venue. You've said it isn't what you want. You've been rather mean about it although I'm sure you didn't intend to come across as ungratrful. Since you know better what you want and who you want there, I will politely withdraw to let you organise the vision you have. I've let the others know. "

Then ignore any text replies she sends. Don't get into them at all! And stop thinking being a mug is being nice!! All it is does is encourage her to treat you with disrespect which is worse for any family/friend atmosphere in the long run.

AnoukSpirit · 05/12/2018 18:41

How sad that there are so many threads by people with friends who treat them appallingly.

Original poster

nottomgates · 05/12/2018 21:30

OffToBedhampton
I like this response.
I feel so much better after venting on here and better knowing other people get how rude she can be.

She did reply today. She said that Xmas is stressing her out and that one of the other party plans has fallen through with another friend jointly organising it. She will be 40.
I’ve not replied.

OP posts:

OffToBedhampton · 08/12/2018 12:19

@nottomgates what happened in the end? I hope you've been able to stick to your 'step back' and just go along to (at least one of her!) parties still. She is making it all about herself & is rather excessive. I had one party , a meal out with friends, for my 40th. I booked it. We went to a bar first and afterwards.

I also arranged my BFF's 40th meal and nightclub which she was delighted about and she helped where I needed her, to chase up friends.

Everyone knows it can be a slight poison challice to arrange a night out for someone else with a big group you don't know everyone in. Really it's a no go if the choosy awkward person is the party girl/boy!!! If they have a vision, they need to organise it to ensure they get exactly what they want.

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