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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you can send Christmas cards and give to charity?

164 replies

MargoLovebutter · 04/12/2018 10:40

I don't know why this fucks me off so much, but I've just received my second email of the season telling me that a friend won't be sending me a Christmas card because they are giving to charity this year.

WTAF have the two got to do with each other & why do I need to get a boasty email telling me of their charitable giving?

I'm sure I must be missing something other than the fact I think they can't be arsed to send cards. Enlighten me please.

OP posts:
keely71 · 09/12/2018 08:24

Yanbu al all.
It has a whiff of ‘can’t be arsed’ about it & very un Christmassy.
I judge these people.

Talkstotrees · 09/12/2018 09:02

So many judgmental snowflakes on one thread. Yabu.

They do their thing, you do your thing. Is it harming you? Why waste time and emotion on this?

Someone sends me a card - that’s nice, thanks.
Someone chooses to give to charity - cool, that’s also nice.

Why tf do you need to question their motives? It has never occurred to me to think badly of people who choose to donate rather than send cards Confused. I don’t see an explanation as to why no cards are being sent as boasting.

Merry Christmas to all.

ElainaElephant · 09/12/2018 09:08

It has a whiff of ‘can’t be arsed’ about it & very un Christmassy.
I judge these people.

And yet it seems very unchristian to judge people on a decision that has no real significant impact on any individual, yet helps support a charity.

MarilynSlumroe · 09/12/2018 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keely71 · 09/12/2018 09:44

Actually, receiving a Christmas card is a very big deal to a lot of people, especially older generations. It’s only once a year for God’s sake.
If you were that much of a Christian you’d do both, and you’d also donate to charity on the quiet.

ElainaElephant · 09/12/2018 09:48

Oh I'm not a Christian, I'm not enough of a hypocrite for that. But I'm also not the one judging others.

And so you know that people that don't send cards generally aren't sending to their aged aunties or grandparents, do you?

dementedma · 09/12/2018 09:52

a timely thread. My very best friend has just put a message out on Facebook about not giving cards and donating to charity instead and admit to feeling irritated at the "look at me being charitable element".

I give to the charity she mentioned regularly (look at ME being charitable) but also send Christmas cards. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

Youmadorwhat · 09/12/2018 10:02

@MarylinSlumroe I wouldn’t send a card to an aquaintance anyone that a card would be appropriate for would have to be a friend so yes a phone call or other method still can be appropriate let me explain:

Moved house: I call the person and say how are you? Are you all settled? Isn’t moving such an upheaval etc etc? When you are ready for visitors let me know, I would love to see your new place? They usually respond with a time etc. Then I call over with a gift or two (spend some time, ppl usually like to give a tour explain what they want to change etc). Job done.

Lost a loved one: I come from Ireland where we “wake” our dead so that is an opportunity for anyone who knows the deceased or family to go and give their condolences. And also I would attend the funeral, it’s not an invitation basis here. If it were someone abroad in the U.K. I would call well because if I am still friends with someone and their relative passes them they are probably a close friend so I know a phone call won’t be inappropriate (we all love to hear a dear friends voice in an hour of need, I know I do)

Had a baby: friend/family member has baby, calls or texts me to say baby has arrived and I say “wonderful I am so happy for you” etc etc” let me know when you are ok for a quick visit. They let me know and I call round with a gift and a dish of food, have a chat and see the baby. Job done. Now I have had a few friends abroad have children and in those instances I have actually sent a card and gift (but they are very few!)

Got married: in fact this is the ONLY time I buy cards (I had completely forgotten 🤣) I normally get a personalized card and put money in it.

I know you don’t know me but I have a good heart and I find it very judgemental of you to call me intrusive, selfish and annoying based on the fact that I don’t send cards when in fact it couldn’t be further than the truth. The truth is I find most cards so impersonal and when sent people almost abdicate themselves from picking up a phone and have a real conversation with a good friend etc. it’s a shame

ElainaElephant · 09/12/2018 10:08

Just been found a Google. Apparently today is Christmas Card Day!

They have been on the go for 175 years, and roughly 10 million less get sent every year.

I think the answer is for the people that like sending and receiving them to send them to other people that like sending and receiving them.

Easy.

So if you like cards but someone stops sending to you, stop sending to them. And accept that they don't share your priorities.

MarilynSlumroe · 09/12/2018 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

80sMum · 09/12/2018 10:29

I'm all for charitable giving, but I believe that it should be done quietly and anonymously. So I find the "I've given to charity instead" messages rather distasteful.

But what I really detest are those awful "gifts" such as a goat, a chicken etc (which of course don't actually equate to goats or chickens but are merely a receipt saying "donation to XYZ Charity £5 received with thanks").

If people want to give to charity, that's great. But don't dress it up as something else. A charitable donation given to XYZ charity is just that. It is not a gift for someone else! The recipient of such a "gift" might have chosen not to support XYZ or they might have already given their own donations.

Donthaveanotion1 · 09/12/2018 10:32

@MarylinSlumroe do you not think that I have ever moved house/country, had babies, had a loved one pass away etc. I’m just the opposite of you then as when I see my phone ring and I know it’s a dear friend then I answer even if I am up to my eyeballs I like knowing they care! I get cards from my IN LAWS neighbors and people like that not my good friends. I’m sorry you feel differently but that’s the way I live. As do my friends and family so I am not alone. I find that you too must be selfish as you can’t seem to put yourself in my shoes.

ElainaElephant · 09/12/2018 10:40

It's selfish because you have no idea if they want to receive a call

The same could be said about sending cards - you have no idea if they want to receive one Wink

Donthaveanotion1 · 09/12/2018 10:40

And fwiw @Marylinslumroe I don’t call someone in the very day of their move I’m not that crazy I wait a week or so

Donthaveanotion1 · 09/12/2018 10:41

@Marylinslumroe if someone doesn’t want a call try simply don’t answer 🤣🤣

MaisyPops · 09/12/2018 11:13

I dont do Christmas cards beyond immediate family and friends who live ages away who we don't see often.

At my church we do a church card where the children come round with a card, we all write a message and then everyone gets one card from the church. It's much better for the environment than everyone sending lots of cards when many cards aren't recyclable due to glitter and foil etc.

I'm quite open about not doing cards. I'm less open about the fact that in December I buy extra for the foodbank. I've shared the idea of a reverse advent calendar a couple of times because that's how I heard about it.
Do I think most people who use the charity line actually donate? Probably not but why let it trouble me.

MarilynSlumroe · 09/12/2018 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdWinchester · 09/12/2018 11:33

We don't send cards because we can't be arsed, no other reason.

I have never felt the need to send an email justifying this. Nor do we make a charity donation in mitigation. We both make monthly donations to charities via GAYE.

araiwa · 09/12/2018 11:34

I send 3 cards a year
Dm birthday
Ddad birthday
Mum and dad christmas

Donthaveanotion1 · 09/12/2018 11:36

@Marlyinslumroe i received many cards and gifts also when I had my babies and lots of guests that I welcomed with open arms because they are ppl that mean something to me and my family.I’m so glad we are not friends although I do get the feeling that perhaps I come from a somewhat less standoffish circle than you do. Thank god for that. Have a nice day!

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 09/12/2018 11:38

For years now I have only sent a few Christmas cards to older relatives as I know they still appreciate getting cards.
Friends apart from one I never send cards to as I will see them over Christmas and wish them a merry Christmas in person.
I give a monthly donation to my charity of choice and do send an extra Christmas donation but that is my business and not plastered all over Facebook as 1 no one else is interested and 2 it is personal.

HappenstanceMarmite · 09/12/2018 11:53

Some people probably do it to show off, but I think just as many are pre-empting a family member or friend getting arsey with them. if you say that you think it's a waste, some people are insulted/feel judged/will argue with you on that and if you say nothing at all, the same can happen

I agree with you. Bloody hell. Some people will always find a way to take offence/judge/overanalyse intent and they are usually wrong. FFS, I even sent a copy of the receipt from my chosen charity one Christmas, after it was sneeringly implied that I probably hadn’t sent a donation at all. 🙄

But balls to them. Those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.

MarilynSlumroe · 09/12/2018 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BringMeTea · 09/12/2018 11:56

YANBU. And I don't believe most of them do give to charity in lieu. Probably stick 50p in a collection tin and consider it job done. But I'm a cynical cow.

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 09/12/2018 12:02

I used to spend a lot of money on mum and dad sister cards etc I now buy a cheap packet as older relatives do like a card and then give to charity aswell