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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really want to be a sahm

95 replies

justoneposthere · 04/12/2018 07:05

I really am fed up of never seeing kids. it's generally 5-6 when I collect them, then half an hour home, giving us 2 hours together Monday-Friday

sometimes it depresses the hell out of me

OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 04/12/2018 07:06

How old are your children?

BillywigSting · 04/12/2018 07:07

Yanbu at all to want it.

I'm a sahm and quite frankly I love it. My life is relaxed and easy, I see my dc plenty and the house is clean, tidy and peaceful.

Is there any way you can make it happen?

ButtMuncher · 04/12/2018 07:08

I know how you feel - we've been fortunate enough that I can take a four month break from full time work so I can search for something part time (my old employees didn't do flexible working) and I can spend it with my two year old. I thought going back to work would be the answer to my PND but it's made my anxiety ten times worse as I hate being away from my child.

It's so hard balancing the plates of motherhood, work, money and domesticity, so I completely understand OP Thanks

IVEgottheJINGLEBELLS · 04/12/2018 07:08

Yanbu op

Could you afford to reduce your hours?

I think a lot of people are in similar situations

I work a four day week now with one late start where i take the dc to school

Work days i am often not home until 7, so an hour max with dc before bed

Original poster
justoneposthere · 04/12/2018 07:09

No way at all it can happen. They are only babies Sad

OP posts:
IVEgottheJINGLEBELLS · 04/12/2018 07:10

Could you look for another job that could accomodate less hours? Or is it not affordable at all

I am constantly looking for something nearer to home as that could give me an extra 1-2 hours per day at home

Shalll · 04/12/2018 07:10

I'm with you OP. I would LOVE it even though lots of people say / think I wouldn't.

Frustrating Thanks

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/12/2018 07:11

I feel the same way. But am.the main earner and DH who has just developed a chronic health condition so hey ho Sad

Whenever the SAHP threads are on here and posters are saying how it's just as hard being home, I wonder about their jobs. I'm on mat leave now with 4 kids to look after and it's hard but nowhere near as difficult as working full time and trying to balance the needs and the admin of the DCs. Not to mention how much I miss them all!

NotyourMummynotyourmilk · 04/12/2018 07:12

Take a good look at your finances make cuts and savings where you can. No nursery fees and time to shop more sensibly could make it absolutely possible. Money isn’t everything but it is necessary to live so if you really cannot afford it look at getting a PT job when your DH is able to care for them, maybe a couple of nights a week. EVERYTHING is possible if you make it so. I am so sorry that you feel you are missing out on your children, make this Christmas the time you put plans in place to change that. Some people can work FT with small children and some cannot, you clearly cannot. Good luck OP

Believeitornot · 04/12/2018 07:14

What job do you do?

What are your flexible working options?

It’s sometimes better to accept you can’t and just try and improve your current situation

EmUntitled · 04/12/2018 07:16

YANBU
I was a working parent (teacher) for 6 months, but only 3 days a week. It was stressful and I didn't feel I was doing a good job as a teacher or as a parent.

We were very lucky that my husband was offered a promotion which meant I could afford to be a SAHM during the day and do some evening work. I don't agree with those who say being a SAHM is as difficult as having a job, although of course it depends on the children and the job.

If there is any way you can do it, do it.

Original poster
justoneposthere · 04/12/2018 07:16

My working situation is the opposite of flexible.

If I asked for PT I'd probably be given it - but i'd have to step down. The loss of earnings would be too big an impact.

Yeah I wonder about these jobs where everyone sits around with hot tea, pissing freely and discussing topical affairs and world politics as well Grin

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 04/12/2018 07:19

If I asked for PT I'd probably be given it - but i'd have to step down. The loss of earnings would be too big an impact

What’s your job?

If you can’t afford to be a SAHM, you need to think of ways to improve your situation as it’s clearly an issue.

Why would PT need stepping down.

Sipperskipper · 04/12/2018 07:19

Not unreasonable at all. I think I am pretty much a SAHM (only work one day a week) and I love it. Much less stressful than being at work, plenty of time with DD, and I never feel like I am rushing around anywhere.

I think I would find working FT really tough now. On the one day I do work I’m stuck in traffic, rushing to drop off / collect DD, getting stuck in more traffic etc etc....

Could you reduce your hours by a day?

Original poster
justoneposthere · 04/12/2018 07:20

There isn't any way to improve it believe, it is just how it is.

OP posts:
christmaspuddingyumyumyum · 04/12/2018 07:21

@justoneposthere can you sit down with your outgoings and see what can be reduced and then see if you can afford to do part time. In your position I'd do everything I could to try to reduce lifestyle and hours at work, even if it means you finish earlier each day so you can collect from school just for their primary years. Once they're at senior school you could go full time again. I'm sure you will regret it otherwise and we can't have the time back. I really hope you find a solution.

NerrSnerr · 04/12/2018 07:22

I agree. I work the least hours I can get away with (3 days) but would love to be a SAHM. I also love our house, gym membership etc so not prepared to sacrifice my lifestyle.

When I win the premium bonds I'll give up my job!!

Original poster
justoneposthere · 04/12/2018 07:23

I really cannot afford part time.

It isn't only that I'd be on less money because I'd only be in for three days or whatever. It would (in addition to this) in effect be a demotion as I would need to sacrifice my Important Position Which is Very Outy Grin

The two things combined mean I just can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
justoneposthere · 04/12/2018 07:24

Three days would suit me, tbh. You'd be halfway through the week already Smile

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 04/12/2018 07:27

There isn't any way to improve it believe, it is just how it is

There are always options.

You could go part time and give up the idea of promotion. Who cares about that right now!

I got to a very senior position on four days a week and was very protective of my hours. I took a lot of work home.

ArfArfBarf · 04/12/2018 07:29

Maybe focus on being able to reduce hours when they are at school. In my experience that’s when they get the most benefit (although it’s fewer hours) because their needs are so much more complicated than when they are babies.

JustWingingLifeAsUsual · 04/12/2018 07:32

Have you thought about changing to part time? I work part time, only 3 days a week, that way I get to spend 4 days to spend with my DS.

Only do what you think is best though. I wouldn't have minded staying at home but financially I wouldn't be able to be a SAHM, otherwise my poor husband would have to work 7 days a week to pay all the bills.

Minniemagoo · 04/12/2018 07:39

When my kids were little I was home for almost 12 years. I did it for me and honestly don't regret it but it did come with sacrifices. We cut back to 1 car, we didn't have foreign holidays, no gym etc but financially we managed. I blew my career, was financially dependent (prob still am) on Dh which MN is very against, I am now back at work trying to start all over again.
I get from your OP that you also have this option but are not willing to sacrifice your career or finances, which is ok. It's hard to do, it's shit that for most mums this is the only option if they want time with their kids. But I will say that I would do it again, it was so worth it to me emotionally and tbh as a family because I spent the week doing the household stuff we had great weekend hiking etc. Now I am back at work I find at least 1 day of the weekend is ironing, shopping etc.

grumiosmum · 04/12/2018 07:43

Be careful what you wish for.

I got a big redundancy payment when my dc were small which funded me as a SAHM for 7 years.

But when I did go back to work, my career never recovered its momentum. We are worse off financially, and I'm less satisfied with my work.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 04/12/2018 07:46

You're saying you can't afford part time. Is this absolutely definite? As in, have you gone through everything with a fine toothed comb, worked out what your take home would be (factoring in tax bands, there are sites for this) and looked at every single outgoing to see if there is anything to trim?

If the answer to this is yes, what about when the free hours kick in? You mention two babies. Unless you've twins, I'm guessing the eldest can't be too far from 3?