to really want to be a sahm

[justoneposthere]

I really am fed up of never seeing kids. it's generally 5-6 when I collect them, then half an hour home, giving us 2 hours together Monday-Friday

sometimes it depresses the hell out of me

I don't think there's any way of having two young children without it being exhausting, however you organise your work and life patterns. So it's about how you would want to spend your time really, whilst accepting that tiredness is inevitable for a while.

You see I am the opposite I have just spent 6years at home and I couldn’t wait to get back to work 🤣🤣 they drove me nuts! 😂😂 balance is the key... could you do part-time?? That’s what I do now (teacher) so it is perfect!

Having been a sahm for 7 years I've decided to go back into full time work even though we don't need the extra cash.

I've enjoyed being home but I've had enough now.

Unless you've got a hobby or extra cash to do stuff with then being home in the day can get boring.

Yanbu to want a work life balance though.

it sucks OP, I see my 16month old for an hour in the morning and an hour at night. I work from home on 1 day a week (work the morning, off in the afternoon)- but that will soon come to an end.
Its so easy for people to say "go part time"- aside from the loss in earnings, lots of jobs wont allow it and given all the threads i read on here about "parents shouldnt be treated differently, they arent special etc", it creates a lot of hostility from those who arent parents.

Advising someone to sell their house is crazy. It might release some capital but it would cost me more to rent than to pay a mortgage!

I don't think there's any way of having two young children without it being exhausting, however you organise your work and life patterns. So it's about how you would want to spend your time really, whilst accepting that tiredness is inevitable for a while

This is true, both ways are hard and sometimes it’s tough when you think that someone else has it easier.

I’m in same position but as a total reverlation take parental leave each year which means I’m paid a bit less but can be off most holidays etc
I’d never considered it until a friend took it

I'm a SAHD to a 14 month old. We're fortunate that because I'd more or less paid off my previous mortgage before I met my wife we can get by on one salary despite moving and taking on another mortgage. I know, deep down, that many parents would sell their souls to the devil to be in my position, and that the time I get to spend with DD is priceless, can never be given a second go, and can never be taken away from me.

In reality, there are three things which gnaw at me. First, it's bloody hard work. We moved to an area with no established support network and a long commute for DW and I find day-in, day-out utterly exhausting. All day without adult conversation is much more daunting than it ever sounded.

Second, I hate the fact that we're now totally dependent on my wife financially. I know that I'm contributing in different ways, but decades of being conditioned to be the breadwinner don't go away overnight, and many of my family as well as a few friends are very judgmental about it.

Third, it serves as a constant reminder that the reason I'm a SAHD is nothing to do with choice but everything to do with my complete inability to find work of any description, never mind something meaningful and commensurate with what I can offer. I have 15 years experience in senior management and an MBA - at the risk of sounding both callous and arrogant my brain is far better suited to doing other things and paying someone to look after DD with the proceeds. I can feel my workplace skills rotting away by the day as my experience becomes staler and staler, and every week that goes by makes returning to work feel further away than ever.

it would cost me more to rent than to pay a mortgage!
You’d probably be eligible for housing benefit though.

it serves as a constant reminder that the reason I'm a SAHD is nothing to do with choice but everything to do with my complete inability to find work of any description, never mind something meaningful and commensurate with what I can offer
@Otherpeoplesteens this is my problem too. I have two postgraduate degrees and 13 years of work experience. But I made the mistake of working in the public sector and the government has cut my salary to the point that I can’t afford to work because my salary is less than the cost of childcare. I waited to have kids thinking I’d be better placed to support them but I’m actually worse off. A decade ago I earned double what they pay for the same job now.

I don’t want to be stuck at home wiping arses and feeling my intellectual capacity turn to mud between my ears. I want to work and use my brain so I can have some self esteem and value to society. It makes me so angry when people who are lucky enough to have that opportunity whinge about it.

My DD has stayed up until 10pm or later since she was in nursery. I sometimes wonder if the claim that children need more sleep than adults is to justifiy child-free evening hours for adults, rather than for the benefit of children
What time is she getting up though? DS is 3, he gets about 11 hours a night with a couple of wake ups. No way would he be OK long term on 8 hours (11-7 am) of sleep and no naps and he, and I know lots of kids have to be up earlier

If you couldn’t work you’d cope somehow. Sell your house and car, give up your luxuries - you’d cope, like the rest of us who have no choice do
The reality is though that few people actively choose to live in a rental where you might have to move after a year, with no car so being reliant on unreliable buses, not being able to take the kids certain places etc and not do any activities with the kids, never go on holiday, only buy second hand clothes, keep the heating on a strict timer.
Yes people cope but because they have to.

it would cost me more to rent than to pay a mortgage!
You’d probably be eligible for housing benefit though
Not necessarily. There's a cap on savings that isn't that high so you'd need to work through nearly all the capital first. Then there are caps in place. How many bedrooms do you need? We're in a small 3 bed, but would only be eligible for Re t on a two bed because we don't have en children to need 3. So if you've got one of each at say 3 and 5 you'll only get rent for a 2 bed. Then partners wages taken into consideration.
I don't work, we get tax credits and still aren't eligible for council tax reduction or housing benefit

I had 9 trees as sahm. Loved it.

Returned to work 6 weeks ago. Part time. 24 hours. Working from home but I’m in city once a fortnight or so and in bosses office once a week, so nice mix.

It’s full on, very stimulating, quite pressurised.

Pay looks decent (£40k a year. Pro rata because I work part time of 24 hours means pay is £24k) but I’m being underpaid for what I’m doing. I’m fine with that though as they took a risk on me and once I pride myself, pay will increase.

I get to see my children lots, take them to school every day and pick up 3x a week.

How did I do this? I’m nothing particularly special or niche. It’s sikolw really. I worked my arse off in my twenties. I did every related professional exam I could do. I built up a fantastic CV

And this allowed me time off and then to return on a good position

I will advise my children, to do every professional qualification she can get her hands on. They stand the test of time and allow flexibility in thirties / forties.

Sorry went off on tangent there
And terrible typos with awful new phone

I work 3 days and that's the minimum we could afford for me to do. I'm lucky that I get paid about £35k year to work 3 days so we can accommodate childcare costs.

The difficulty with giving up work and making sacrifices is that I really don't think it would be possible to sacrifice enough to make it work.

We live in the SE so housing costs are high, DH earns over £30k a year so I don't think we would be entitled to any help at all and it just isn't enough money to rent somewhere and pay basic bills.

Plus whilst I have no issue with people claiming the benefits that they're entitled to I can't help but think that if everyone chose to stop work with the expectation that benefits would compensate the system would struggle to cope.

My role is relatively senior and I'm still earning pension etc so I'm hoping that long term it will be worth it!

Well op could you take a couple of months unpaid leave and see if you like being a sahm for those months.

And then you would have proper pros and cons for both.

And i think who ever said sell your house and rent is a bit silly.You have no safety net renting,

I'm lucky that I get paid about £35k year to work 3 days so we can accommodate childcare costs

That’s way above average salary though. The majority of people don’t earn that much. If they did they’d probably return to work.

And their failure to earn that much isn’t necessarily due to lack of hard work. Are people really suggesting that everyone who earns an average or below average salary is in that situation because they haven’t worked hard enough?

Of course not which is why that's not what I said.

The point is that people do tend to fall into two groups, those that can't afford TO work and those that can't afford NOT to work. To suggest that either group definitely has a choice about that is disingenuous. Some may but not all.

Agree sunshine

Ha, gotta love Mumsnet for supportive posts.

No, there aren't "always options", at least if you work on the assumption that it is not in the DCs best interests to be homeless, hungry, without adequate clothing or footwear.

Very Important Job was meant to be a tad ironic

SGB I fucking HATE my job, tbh!