to really want to be a sahm

[justoneposthere]

I really am fed up of never seeing kids. it's generally 5-6 when I collect them, then half an hour home, giving us 2 hours together Monday-Friday

sometimes it depresses the hell out of me

Jeez, some, not Stoke. Stoke women are very good at wohm and sahm I'm sure.

I don’t understand the sell your house and car to be a SAHM mentality. Surely that’s not luxuries. Neither is having a pension, managing to pay your bill and being able to support yourself and family should something happen to your partner.

JaneR0chester,

That's fine, you don't need to understand it.

For me following my heart was a leap of faith, and has worked out far better than I could ever have imagined.

I get it OP! YANBU, I’m in my mid twenties with a full time career and about to graduate with a qualification which entitles me to take big steps forward in my career.

However, I’m also getting married next spring and DP (and I) want to start a family pretty soon. I’m ‘lucky’ because DP earns well enough I don’t need to work and if I did want to go PT my employer is amazingoy flexible so I’d be accommodated. At the same time I can’t take the promotion/push forward and go PT in that role as it wouldn’t work. So I’m kind of stuck where I am because we want to have children next year.

DP’s career isn’t flexible like mine, I knew that when I met/agreed to marry him. He can never guarantee being home on time (can run over hours at no notice) or be able to leave at the drop of a hat to pick up unwell children...etc. He also can’t guarentee which city he’ll be working in for the next few years...just an area and commutes can range from 10 minute walk to 3.5 hour round trip drive!

I feel like I have my hands tied and half of me wants to raise my children and have a lovely little relaxed countryside existence - the other wants to head to London, take a big promotion and really build my career.

Whoever said ‘women can have it all’ must not have paid an awful lot of attention to the quality of life aspect!!

I don't really see how it's puzzling that some parents can't work because childcare costs more than they would make, and others can't not work. It's just different circumstances. The cost of childcare varies even before factoring in that some people have more kids than others, and the amount of subsidy a family might be entitled to also varies. Factor in that some people also have much higher costs of working in terms of commute and clothing than others, and it's clear that the costs of working vary a lot.

Decide what is a priority for you and what will work for your family.
My DH has taken demotion and cut his hours to spend more time with DS, we make a lot of compromises but we can make ends meet.
We went through a lot to become parents and it's the most important thing for both of us.

Different things work for different people though, some resent sacrificing their career later on, there are no ideal solutions.

YA definitely NOT BU! I'm dreading the end of this mat leave and how the hell I'm gonna be able to make it work. Not sure I can tbh.

Can't help but wonder when 'you can have it all' became 'it's all on you'

Whoever said ‘women can have it all’ must not have paid an awful lot of attention to the quality of life aspect!!

Oh, the irony, coming after a post in which you have detailed exactly how your DH's career has been established in your relationship before you even marry or ttc as the important one, which simply can't accommodate flexibility, sick children, regular hours, getting home on time, a regular commute length, or even which city he works in. And yet, in your mid-twenties, you're rushing into a situation where you start a family with a man who is simply too busy and important to be a parent.

How keen on starting a family would your DH be if he had to figure out flexible childcare to accommodate his hours and varying commutes, deal with a sick child who couldn't go to nursery etc? Rather than it being delegated to being your issue?

I'm the same. YANBU.

I have a 6 week old and did everything in my power to ensure I had a flexible job beforehand (not saying you should've done this. I'm very lucky the right opportunity was staring me in the face!)

I can work from home, have Monday's off and will compress all my hours in to 3.5 days. Whilst I will be late home Tuesday-Thursday, Monday I'll have the day off with my DC and also Friday afternoon. Long weekend :)

Could you drop a small number of hours and compress the rest in to a shorter time frame?

@MilkyCuppa

Why is it a puzzle? There’s a minimum on which people can live on - and benefits are not even that. Cutting out luxuries only takes you so far and who wants to live a life of gruel and porridge oats wearing sack cloths.

@KnightlyMyMan I agree with Conventicle here.
I am senior in a male dominated profession and am always a bit when I speak with the wives of my colleagues and hear how they could never leave early etc. My sister is a doctor in a very demanding specialty and feels the same.
Of course we both do fewer pickups and have to pay more for more flexible childcare than someone working a part time job. But please don't believe that makes it unmanageable.

In particular, why not push hard now, while you're in your 20s? You don't know how long it will take you to get to get pregnant, you will get better maternity pay, and have far more options when you return. Also note it's in many ways easier to be full time with a small baby at home with a caring nanny (or other care) than once they are all school and you have to juggle an unholy mess of school holidays, sick days, midday carol services and the like.

I work shift work and when I had my first son I still worked full time over 3 days. On those 3 days I would see him for about twenty minutes before I left for work and that was crap but having four days a week off made up for it. However, I was exhausted!!! The job was very demanding and on my days off I was so, so tired i wasn’t really ‘enjoying’ the time with my son, I was just getting though it as best as I could until bedtime came and I could get some sleep. I can genuinely say that I think doing half work/half at home is very, very tiring.

When I was pregnancy with my second son I was signed off work at 20 weeks pregnant so I had about 4 months at home in a SAHP role and it was heaven! I wasn’t tired all the time, he house was tidy, we ate better because I was home to cook and I enjoyed quality time with my son because I wasn’t dead on my feet all the time.

After my second son was born I reduced my hours so I now work 25 over two days so I’m home four days a week. I’m back to feeling exhausted again. I had 13 months off for maternity and even though I only do two days a week at work I’m still far, far more tired than I ever was on maternity and the house feels like a constant shit-tip. For lots of reasons I don’t enjoy splitting my time 50/50 between a job and being at home because it feels like I have no definite role.

I wish I could be a SAHP but financially it’s just not feasible.

@QueenofmyPrinces I'm going to be doing the same when I go back after mat leave. 5 days work over 3.5 days. Did you find this hard to adjust initially? I'm looking forward to the long weekends off but not looking forward at all to the long days at work...

I did it for 4 years but then struggles to get back into my field at the same salary and seniority. One Recruiter told me that I was more experienced than most of the people interviewing me and even though I would have been happy to drop down a level I wasn’t given the opportunity to
I decided to have a 2nd baby instead and then start my own business when he was 1 which gives me the flexibility and £ I wanted. A sthe dc have got older I have increased my hours and DH left his job and joined me in our business (consultancy) . I can also take on less work during school holidays etc and I have plans in place for when my youngest starts Secondary in a couple of years to take on more work.
None of this would have been possible though without a DH who supported me in many ways, including financially for a time
I know I’m very very lucky

We deliberately waited before we started planning for children. We both got our careers on track, got a realistic house we could afford on one wage, started saving and avoided car leases, HPs, debts etc, so lived a comfortable but frugal life. It was in our mid 30's when we finally decided we were ready for a child. It was always the plan for me to give up work and be a SAHM - OH was adamant as his mother had worked and he'd been passed around family/childminders and didn't enjoy his childhood, which is why we planned and waited. Yes, it was hard, money was very tight, we didn't go on holiday for a few years, cars got old, but having lots of quality time with DS made it all worthwhile. I wouldn't change a thing, but it wouldn't have been possible had we not planned and waited.

Not all of us are lucky to earn a significant amount of salary per year in order for us to stay at home
I don’t earn anything. Childcare would exceed my salary. You don’t need to earn a significant salary to SAHM. For most people it’s the opposite - they don’t earn enough NOT to stay at home.

If I sold my car, my son wouldn't be able to go to any play groups or activities because they are out of my area
That’s a decision you make. I can’t work because I can’t afford childcare. So my DC can’t attend activities because I can’t afford it and can’t afford a car. It isn’t the end of the world. Imo they’d rather have my time than my money for a couple of activities each week.

I don’t understand the sell your house and car to be a SAHM mentality. Surely that’s not luxuries.
Yes, owning a house and car are luxuries. Lots of people rent and take the bus.

Stoke woken actually earn enough and do Important enough Jobs that there is a genuine decision to be made.
That’s exactly my point. There’s a DECISION to be made. Do I want to keep my career and the additional money it provides? Or do I want to SAHM? Nobody is forcing you to choose the former. And if you choose to prioritise your career then you can’t complain about not having time with your DC. OP doesn’t want to lose her important job - that’s a decision, nobody is forcing that upon her.

Yanina - I’m a nurse so have always worked 12.5 hour shifts. The actual length of my working days has never changed, I just do two of them now instead of three.

I imagine that if you’re used to having 5 short days and now you’re going to be compressing the same hours into longer but less days then it will be a shock to the system.

I have known people who have compressed they full time hours into 4 days instead of 5 days and going it very tiring. A few have said they wish they’d just stayed at work for the 5 days because the one extra day they have at home they’re just exhausted from the compressed hours anyway and then having two deal with the children too on top of that exhaustion.

I have actually considered changing job to a 9-5 job, Mon-Fri because even though I will see the children less I won’t be a frazzled mess half the time and I think that’s more to their benefit than a mother at home who just wants to sit on the sofa on her days off because she’s got no energy to actually go out and do fun stuff with them.

We hear the argument on here about the importance of quality time with the children as opposed to the quantity of time (how many days st home) and I can definitely see their point.

It sounds hard. And yes you could take a leap of faith but most likely the income would be non-existent for a while

It’s very hard to change tack if you rely on the salary

ReanimatedSGB

You obviously like your job and consider it valid. Have you been subject to a lot of propaganda about how wonderful it is to be SAHM and how women are 'naturally' better at being servants, by any chance?
The reality is that day-to-day-life with little children is pretty tedious, unless you are one of those people who is really good with children, into fingerpainting and singing, and cleaning and baking and stuff. As long as you are happy with the childcare you have in place, don't fret too much about it. And enjoy your weekends/time off

I agree with this, there are some posts on here saying how wonderful it is, I think it depends on how many dc, their ages and so many other things.

I had several dc under five and it was hard, boring long days, lots of mess made at home, trying to keep them all busy, no adult to talk to sometimes for more than twelve hours a day. I much preferred working, dc out of the house, no constant clearing up.

I had to give up for a dc SN needs but I wish I could have found a way to keep my career going.

DH and I have done it all, have 4 children, 2 at secondary school now (teenagers) and two at junior school. We both work in full time professional jobs with no family help and it's been really tough and has taken the toll on me, for sure.

I have taken voluntary redundancy and am finishing at the end of March, and i am so exhausted that I can't even get the motivation to go for an interview. I think the corporate world does take it out on you, never mind when you are juggling children and teenagers can be even harder emotionally.

It's a really hard slog to be honest....but it has its advantages too....work life balance does tend to go out of the window though.

I think it depends on the ages of your kids.I am a sahm.And my kids are in full time school.

But when they where babies and toddlers,it was so hard.All the running around.And i still went to work in the evening.But it just wasnt feasable.I was knackered,we never had family time.And we never could plan cause i worked evenings and weekends but on different days.

And then people think its amazing being at home with your kids,when sometimes you just wanted to cry with tiredness and stress.

YANBU OP, working long hours with small children is a slog. I've no desire to be a SAHM but would love to work say 3 days a week. I currently work 32 hours across 4 days which is better than full time, and I'm fortunate to get a lot of leave as well and will have the option of term time working etc (obviously all at a salary sacrifice).

It's such a shame you can't do part time as I really feel like one parent doing part time takes the pressure off many families. Is there any way your DP could reduce his hours instead? It won't be your first choice but may help the feeling of having no time. Or how about working from home options? I do WFM one day per fortnight and it's my favourite working day as I get that time wasted commuting back.

Also shamelessly curious about your Very Important Role are you the PM?!

And then people think its amazing being at home with your kids,when sometimes you just wanted to cry with tiredness and stress.

I was in tears last night because I was so so tired and I could think about was how was I was going to deal with the constant disturbed sleep, the school runs, the homework, the housework and looking after my 15 month old as well as do my physically demanding and draining job.

It just feels impossible sometimes.

I’m lucky that I have a very supportive husband who pulls his weight and does his fair share but I still feel like I’m drowning sometimes.

I do get jealous that he gets to be out the house 5 days a week with work and have all that time away from the mundane roles involved with the house and childcare whereas I have to do that 5 days a week and then still go out to work too. It really isn’t fun.

My baby is only 3 weeks old so currently on mat leave. I'm worried about work-life balance when I return to work. I can probably afford to drop 1 day a week but that's all. I make more than my husband, we both just about earn more a day than childcare costs (I think he is about the same as the cost or not much in it). We already have 1 car between us (which is needed to get to work! It would actually cost me more to get public transport) and don't go abroad every year, and when we do try to make it a cheap holiday. Husband hoping to drop a day of work too. Just wish there was an easy answer

Could you change jobs OP?
I'm a secondary school teacher and most days I leave school with the kids at 3.10, pick up 1yo DS and go home. I do all my planning and marking when he is in bed, which means I loose my later evenings but it's worth it to get a few more hours with the baby!