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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really want to be a sahm

95 replies

justoneposthere · 04/12/2018 07:05

I really am fed up of never seeing kids. it's generally 5-6 when I collect them, then half an hour home, giving us 2 hours together Monday-Friday

sometimes it depresses the hell out of me

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 04/12/2018 07:46

Fully agree, I hate my working hours and although I’m lucky enough to work part time, my days off are spent catching up on house work and running errands trying to make our weekends more family based but that never happens. So many families at school have stay at home parents and I’m genuinely so interested in how they budget to make it work but obviously that’s not the conversation you can start on the school run.

continuallychargingmyphone · 04/12/2018 07:48

Why does everyone on MN think that we can all just go part time / leave work?

For some of us it really isn’t about having one car and camping holidays, it’s, er, having a house!

grasspigeons · 04/12/2018 07:51

Part time may not be an option, but is tgere any flexibility like condensed hours? Leaving at 3 every wednesday, or 9 day fortnights, or eorking from home one day so commute time is now with babies?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/12/2018 07:54

Agree about the part time point @continuallychargingmyphone! Not all fields have part time hours, and even if they do I'd be concerned to take the 'fibe tooth comb' aporoact mentioned above to trim every possible outgoing to be a SAHM - you need to have some buffer, otherwise if something happens. My DHs health issues, for example, are not dramatic enough for our insurances to kick in but are enough that he's had to have unpaid spells off work and now works reduced hours. If we were balancing on a knife edge to afford a SAHP we would have quickly been in trouble.

continuallychargingmyphone · 04/12/2018 07:57

I didn’t have a DH in any case.

I think flexible and part time hours should be offered but they aren’t always and sometimes they come at the expense of career progression.

InDubiousBattle · 04/12/2018 07:57

YANBU. How old are your dc? Will you get the 30 funded hours for your eldest soon?

Bouchie · 04/12/2018 07:58

You do have a choice. You have to decide between what is most important to you. Important position and money or spending more time with kids.
Neither is wrong or right everyone has different priorites. But when you do decide don't spend your life being annoyed at the limitations of that choice. Just make the most of time with the kids when you are with them.

JaneR0chester · 04/12/2018 08:03

YANBU to want more time with your babies.

But speaking as a SAHM (+10 yrs) my "career" is shot. Personally, I couldn't have "done it all" (just our particular circumstances) and now in my 40s I have no job and distinct lack of work experience. Of course I can start off again with part time jobs, for which I'm heavily over qualified, but it's nowhere near the same as people my age, who've juggled jobs + babies. Something to consider and remind yourself with, in 10 years' time you'll have it all...

Saying all that, I'm not bitter or regret my life choices because I think I have done the best that I could for my family, just not for me individually Hmm

Holidayshopping · 04/12/2018 08:08

I would love not to be able to work and be at home with the kids-so would DH but sadly it’s not going to happen!

I presume you’re a full time role (just as an eg) like a head teacher where if you went part time you’d have to go back to being a classroom teacher which would be a drastic drop in salary?

What does your DP think?

Firesuit · 04/12/2018 08:10

So you get home at 6.30 and children are in bed by 8.30? Maybe adjust their bedtime to a couple of hours later?

My DD has stayed up until 10pm or later since she was in nursery. I sometimes wonder if the claim that children need more sleep than adults is to justifiy child-free evening hours for adults, rather than for the benefit of children.

I've no doubt that many children who normally go to bed at 8pm will be ratty if kept up later, but I'd guess that's because they are deviating from a sleep pattern that involves going to bed at 8pm...

speakout · 04/12/2018 08:14

We took silly steps so I could be a SAHM.

Sold our house, moved to cheap rented accommodation in the depths of the country..

I don't regret my decision for one second, my life has changed beyond recognition since I took that leap of faith.

Madeline88 · 04/12/2018 08:15

I’m the main earner and it was very hard to go back to work. But my darling loves nursery, stays up late (and sleeps in) and we have a wonderful time at weekends.

speakout · 04/12/2018 08:16

JaneR0chester

I am guessing my career is shot too- but far from being a bad thing, it has allowed me opportunities I would never have considered.

Believeitornot · 04/12/2018 08:19

My DD has stayed up until 10pm or later since she was in nursery. I sometimes wonder if the claim that children need more sleep than adults is to justifiy child-free evening hours for adults, rather than for the benefit of children

Children do need more sleep? Putting a child to bed late only works if you can let them sleep in late the next day!!!

BirthdayKake · 04/12/2018 08:20

YANBU.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 04/12/2018 08:21

I work part time and pick my kids up three days a week from school. I feel lucky I can do that.

My career is shot though. I receive no pay rises or promotions but my foot is at least in the door

There isn’t a perfect solution

eco1636 · 04/12/2018 08:21

Yes there are kids at school whose parents keep them up as they work and they are always the yawning ones.
When your children are at school, Sham isn’t chilled and relaxed as you have to keep to loads of deadlines with them.

JaneR0chester · 04/12/2018 08:23

speakout that's very positive and I agree. It's just that the grass always looks greener on the other side... I only think that occasionally, I know I'm very fortunate to be able to afford to stay at home and it's been the best thing for us as a family.

I don't think there are ever right or wrong choices when it comes to parenting and working - sometimes there's no choice in the matter (as OP states for herself), but there's always that thought of what if...

Ploppymoodypants · 04/12/2018 08:25

Hello, I was in your position, when I went back to work after DD1. I was up and out the house with her at 6.30am and then didn’t get home until 5.30pm, which was dinner, bath and bed. I was miserable. But needed the money.
It’s extreme but I ended up doing an open university degree, enabling me to apply for a pretty significant promotion, which I then could afford to do part time.
It was a slog for 12 months. But the reward was then working 20 hours a week which has transformed my life and minimal drop in income.

BeardedMum · 04/12/2018 08:33

I wouldn’t unless you are very financially secure or in a career you can easily return to. Too many women I know gave up work to be SAHMs and never worked again.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 08:35

You obviously like your job and consider it valid. Have you been subject to a lot of propaganda about how wonderful it is to be SAHM and how women are 'naturally' better at being servants, by any chance?
The reality is that day-to-day-life with little children is pretty tedious, unless you are one of those people who is really good with children, into fingerpainting and singing, and cleaning and baking and stuff. As long as you are happy with the childcare you have in place, don't fret too much about it. And enjoy your weekends/time off.

MilkyCuppa · 04/12/2018 08:44

It puzzles me how some people can’t afford to work and others can’t afford not to. I’m in the former camp - the cost of childcare exceeds what I used to earn. So I’m unable to return to work because I’d be worse off.

If you couldn’t work you’d cope somehow. Sell your house and car, give up your luxuries - you’d cope, like the rest of us who have no choice do. You’re making a decision to live a lifestyle that requires that additional money. And it sounds like you don’t want to lose your Very Important Job - which is fine, but that’s a decision that you’ve made to prioritise keeping that job above spending time with DC, nobody is holding a gun to your head.

JustWingingLifeAsUsual · 04/12/2018 08:52

@MilkyCuppa that's not true at all. If I sold my car, my son wouldn't be able to go to any play groups or activities because they are out of my area and I would not be able to go work. Also I get 70% of childcare funded for by tax credits and with my husband working as well, we are actually better off if I work part time and he works full time. We live a comfortable lifestyle, by any means we are not reach but we are not in poverty either.

If I didn't work, my husband would have to work overtime! We don't smoke, we don't drink, we don't go on holidays (very rarely! Last one we went on was over a year ago)! We don't have takeaways, we use comparison websites so make sure our bills are cheap... Not all of us are lucky to earn a significant amount of salary per year in order for us to stay at home.

babysharkah · 04/12/2018 08:52

I couldn't afford to be SAHM but as my kids are getting older and need more support with school - homework etc, being screened for dyslexia, I would love to work from home all the time. I currently do three days in office and two at home but they really need me now, more so than when they were babies. I don't get home until 730 on office days.

CorporeSarnie · 04/12/2018 08:55

Wow, what a supportive post milky. Try not to choke on your bile, eh? Stoke woken actually earn enough and do Important enough Jobs that there is a genuine decision to be made. How hard is that to comprehend?