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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your advice re MIL

79 replies

forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 11:29

I recently returned to work after having DS2.

I work full time and so does my DH.

My parents do a day of childcare for kids and that’s great. My MIL said she didn’t want to get involved in childcare and we said that’s fine.

I’ve found that since returning to work I’ve really felt that my weekends are jam packed and we have loads of kids parties etc and we take the kids on days out a lot.

My MIL has started to make noises that she doesn’t see the DC as much as she’d like. She then said to us that she wants us to come round every Saturday morning with the children. To add to this, DH’s family are BIG on routine and, for want of a better word, tradition. So I know for a fact that if we started this then hell would freeze over before we got out of it.

Perhaps I was out of line but I countered this request with a response along the lines of “quite rightly you didn’t want to commit to looking after the children on a set day and I am not willing to do the same with my weekends in terms of visiting.”

MIL and I have a fairly balanced relationship. We’ve said our bit on certain matters a few years ago after DD1 was born but other than that we bump along just fine. That being said, my insistence that I will not be pushed into a routine has really ruffled her feathers. DH is caught in the middle but he agrees that we can’t get caught up in a routine that we won’t stick to.

wwyd? Was i out of line to tell her why I wouldn’t be coming every weekend?

OP posts:

Original poster

forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 11:31

Btw I should add that we do take the kids round as much as we can and dd will stay over from time to time.

OP posts:

Fluffyears · 03/12/2018 11:33

No I think you were wuite right, you are crazy busy at weekends.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2018 11:34

Well obviously you aren't out of line to be honest with her.
How often does she currently see them? How much effort does she put into it?

I would compromise on Saturday mornings twice a fortnight and she's welcome to come down to you on the others if you're home / after school one night, or something similar.

So I commitment to her that you will facilitate access and a relationship but also she has to do more than sit there and expect you to bring them to her on demand

Poodles1980 · 03/12/2018 11:34

Don’t commit. My pils are like this and try to insist we spend every Sunday with them. We go over from time to time but not regularly because we always have stuff on at the weekend. I just keep telling them we have plans and we will see them next week or i have suggested several times they could collect our older one from school one afternoon a week and do something for a few hours until I get home from
Work but surprisingly it never suits themselves

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2018 11:34

You’re perfectly entitled to say no, just like she was perfectly entitled to say no to child care.

Stick to your guns

SilverBirchTree · 03/12/2018 11:34

I don't think you need to give up what is effectively a quarter of your weekend & family time for anyone. I don't think she is thinking about it from your perspective.

Maybe you could have said no in a nicer way though and not connected it to the childcare issue.

But good for you for refusing the Sunday. We fell into the 'tradition' of hosting PIL every Saturday morning and we grew to regret it as it ate away at our free time and felt more and more like an obligation.

lily2403 · 03/12/2018 11:37

Stick to your guns, I hate routine in the sense of having to visit someone same time each week (gran did this to me)

I will be in the same situation once DS goes to school, as both myself and DH work full time and love the weekend for us and DS. PIL look after DS a couple days a week and i do worry about when school starts, I'm already rehearsing pulling up my big girl pants hahahaha

Ceecee18 · 03/12/2018 11:39

YANBU. My parents expected similar with us and DD, as I had to visit each GP on a separate weekend day every week as a child. I refused to get into a routine like this as I knew it would become a routine I'd be stuck in. Caused a bit of tantruming from my mom but she eventually got over it.

Original poster

forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 11:41

@SilverBirchTree

I absolutely get where you’re coming from but the reason why I linked it was to make a point that people don’t want to get involved in things they can’t get out of.

OP posts:

GoldenEvilHoor · 03/12/2018 11:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

EarlyModernParent · 03/12/2018 11:46

Your answer was perfectly fair, I think. And not rude.

There is no reason why MIL seeing the grandchildren has to be done to a set schedule, so don't sign up for one.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2018 11:47

What on earth are you going to do there on a Saturday morning? Just sit there?
What a strange attitude to visiting family. Surely you talk, catch up on personal news, have a cuppa, spend time as a family. Not just all sit in chairs staring at the floor quietly for two hours

Racecardriver · 03/12/2018 11:48

She clearly doesn’t care that much about seeing your children. YANBU to inconvenience yourself for her benefit.!

FaFoutis · 03/12/2018 11:49

Just sitting there (thinking of things to say) is a good description of visits from my mother and my father and stepmother.

Ragaroo · 03/12/2018 11:51

She could occasionally HAVE my children at the weekend (time permitting) but I'd only stay there if it suited me. She sounds scared of permanent commitment so maybe just tell her you'll take it week by week?

ExFury · 03/12/2018 11:52

I think it was a bit rude to link the two. “You won’t commit to childcare so I won’t commit to visiting”.

Fair enough to be busy and explain that there are kids parties etc. But not fair to make it sound like a punishment for not looking after your kids.

How often does she get to see them? How much effort does your DH make?

Alfie190 · 03/12/2018 11:52

It is too much to commit to, but I also think there was no need to have a dig about childcare.

glamglamgirl · 03/12/2018 11:55

I think you're being out of order personally. You can tell by the tone of your post that you don't like her, and your just using this as a stick to beat her with.

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2018 11:57

Right not to commit to every Saturday.
Wrong to link it to childcare. That was uncalled for.

thecatsthecats · 03/12/2018 11:58

SleepingStandingUp

To be fair, I get what they mean. To some people - many indeed - that is an activity in itself. But to me, just sitting around catching up gives me itchy feet. I hate going around to my husband's parents for a whole weekend afternoon because it means sitting watching the telly, nattering and eating. Even if we meet outside somewhere, they obsessively park at the front door so you don't move a bloody inch.

I love to walk, move, do things - I'd love to catch up whilst weeding the drive, or helping with the laundry, or out on a walk, or out at the zoo. I sit down at work all week, I just don't like sitting around all the time at the weekend too. God, just writing this is giving me itchy feet!

jacks11 · 03/12/2018 12:01

I don't think it is unreasonable to say you can't commit to a specified morning every single week, as with both parents working full time you are busy at weekends but also want to spend some time together as a family when you can.

MIL can still pop over if you are free, you can still take the kids over sometimes and so on, but you just can't commit to every saturday morning. I think if she is upset by that, it's her problem.

I'm not someone who think grandparents should automatically provide unpaid childcare- it is a big commitment and nobody should be expected to give up their free time. I also don't subscribe to the "if you don't do childcare, then I won't lift a finger help you as you get older as punishment" viewpoint. That said, if she doesn't want to commit to one day per week of childcare (which is absolutely reasonable) then she can't really complain when you can't commit to one day per week for her to come and visit. If she is feeling put out that the other set of grandparents see more of the DGC, again that is just how it goes when one set of grandparents have chosen to provide childcare and the other don't want to, or feel unable to do so. Not anyones fault, just a natural outcome of the circumstances.

PerfectPeony · 03/12/2018 12:03

Nope you definitely did the right thing. Weekends are precious when you both work full time and they will have to fit around your plans.

dreamingofsun · 03/12/2018 12:03

if you worded it just like that i agree it wasnt the most sensitive way to voice it. however, if you dont like routine (I dont) then dont agree as others say they will keep you to it. My IL's and husband are like this and it drives me nuts. Couldnt they look after the kids sometimes if your parents cant manage it?

Badwifey · 03/12/2018 12:04

I think you were rude in how you answered her. Not all grandparents want to be childminders in their later years. Some are just not up for the amount of energy children have. That doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want to see them and spend time with them.

There could also be other reasons for her refusal to babysit.

It's understandable you want to spend time with your own children at the weekends after them being away from you for so long BUT I seriously doubt that your life is so hectic and filled with parties that you have no time for your mil. You do not need to get sucked into "tradition or routine " a simple... "look mil, we are busy a lot of our weekend doing activities with our children whom we hardly see all week. We will try to get to see you as often as we can but we cannot guarantee every weekend let alone every Saturday at the same time. We will give you as much notice as we can and try leave some days free for the children to spend some time there"

I get the impression from your post you are looking to punish her for refusing to mind your children while you work. That's just my opinion.

everydaymum · 03/12/2018 12:10

I'm with you. I won't commit to a 'visiting routine' with my DM. I have other issues with her which reduces visits, but prior to that she was welcome to come over whenever she wanted, but I wouldn't 'fix' a set time. DH works long hours meaning DS doesn't see him during the week, so Saturdays are for us. Then add DSD, DSS and DSS, play dates/parties for DS, seeing other relatives and general errands, there's just not enough time to be dedicating half a day to one particular relative.

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