Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your advice re MIL

79 replies

forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 11:29

I recently returned to work after having DS2.

I work full time and so does my DH.

My parents do a day of childcare for kids and that’s great. My MIL said she didn’t want to get involved in childcare and we said that’s fine.

I’ve found that since returning to work I’ve really felt that my weekends are jam packed and we have loads of kids parties etc and we take the kids on days out a lot.

My MIL has started to make noises that she doesn’t see the DC as much as she’d like. She then said to us that she wants us to come round every Saturday morning with the children. To add to this, DH’s family are BIG on routine and, for want of a better word, tradition. So I know for a fact that if we started this then hell would freeze over before we got out of it.

Perhaps I was out of line but I countered this request with a response along the lines of “quite rightly you didn’t want to commit to looking after the children on a set day and I am not willing to do the same with my weekends in terms of visiting.”

MIL and I have a fairly balanced relationship. We’ve said our bit on certain matters a few years ago after DD1 was born but other than that we bump along just fine. That being said, my insistence that I will not be pushed into a routine has really ruffled her feathers. DH is caught in the middle but he agrees that we can’t get caught up in a routine that we won’t stick to.

wwyd? Was i out of line to tell her why I wouldn’t be coming every weekend?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 03/12/2018 12:10

I think there's a medium here. You can take your children more often. But you certainly don't have to turn it into any kind of routine.

DH’s family are BIG on routine and, for want of a better word, tradition

That's their problem, not yours.

fanomoninon · 03/12/2018 12:11

Agree with others: your decision not to commit to every weekend is entirely reasonable. Linking it to her decision not to do childcare was not, and makes it feel like your decision is petty and tit-for-tat when it wasn't (after all, even if she HAD committed to doing childcare, you wouldn't have wanted to spend every weekend with her, right?). In other words, you've gone looking for a row!

If you can, I'd say something along the lines of 'We can't commit to every weekend as the kids schedules are complicated, but we'd love you to see the kids more often. How about xxx insert suitable idea hereXX eg babysitting occasionally on a Friday night; coming over for tea on a Saturday eve sometimes; meeting us at swimming/dance/whatever class on xx; taking them for an hour or two sometimes so me and dh can go and shop/do DIY tasks; joining us sometimes on days out at the weekend (OK, you might not want that one!).

In other words, come up with some 'yeses' rather than shutting her down with a no

chocatoo · 03/12/2018 12:14

Definitely stick to your guns about the weekends. How about suggesting that they take DC (separately - they might find more than one too much) to a regular activity, e.g. swimming, a ballet class or horse riding, etc. - something that is their 'thing' that they do with the kids?

Original poster
forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 12:15

I also don't subscribe to the "if you don't do childcare, then I won't lift a finger help you as you get older as punishment" viewpoint.

I sincerely hope that’s not the impression I gave in my post Confused

Also to those who think my response is rude. You’re right, it probably is. However, knowing my MIL, she will keep going on and on about this and sometimes the only way to stop that is to be blunt. She is perfectly entitled to decide not to provide childcare and, by the same token, I don’t have to give up my weekends.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 03/12/2018 12:15

p.s. I think you were right to link it to their decision. It explains your reluctance to commit to a regular thing.

Original poster
forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 12:16

@chocatoo my MIL doesn’t drive so while I’d love to get her to do these things it’s impossible as most activities are a few miles from where she lives

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 03/12/2018 12:18

It was an own goal to mention the childcare even if you didn't intend it to seem an implied consequence (which I'm assuming you didn't).

What has triggered this? Is it simply that now you are both back at work there is less time for her to see the children during the week?

Is there scope for her to spend time with them during the week short of providing childcare (eg a morning with her instead of nursery but without giving up the nursery place so she isn't committed)?

Winlinbin · 03/12/2018 12:20

I agree that while you are right not to make a commitment that will tie you down or restrict weekends your wording could be construed as a retaliation for her not wanting the commitment of childcare.

It’s great that your DC have lots of time with you and DH at weekends but extended families are important. I always marvel at how attached my now adult DC are to their paternal grandparents and cousins as to me those people only feel like very pleasant acquaintances. I think it’s because DC have so many childhood memories of them, whilst obviously they didn’t come into my life until I was an adult.

Not making time for DC to be with their grandparents (assuming they aren’t toxic or in some other way harmful) is as bad and sad for the DC as it is for the grandparents. Surely you can pop in on the occasional morning or afternoon. Maybe leave the DC there for an hour or two whilst you do other stuff? Or invite them to yours?

ExFury · 03/12/2018 12:21

She is perfectly entitled to decide not to provide childcare and, by the same token, I don’t have to give up my weekends

You don’t have to give up your weekends. However at no point in any of your replies have you seemed to have a single thought about if your DH would like to see his Mum regularly or if your kids would like to see Granny regularly.

It does very much come across as “you said no so now you pay the consequences”.

whereareallthenannies · 03/12/2018 12:22

You could do what we do. I pay for full time childcare. My PiL spend 6 months of the year out of the country but when they are home, they will collect from nursery at around 1030 am and keep child for rest of the day and return home to me at 5pm. They do this twice a week , one day each child. Yes I am still paying for the childcare but it means my weekends are my own. Win - win as far as I am concerned.

llangennith · 03/12/2018 12:28

I'm a Grandparent and I think your response was fine. Don't commit to anything! Children need downtime in their own home at weekends so no need for them to be taken out all the time.
The party circuit lessens as they get older thank goodness.

PeachCokeZero · 03/12/2018 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jacks11 · 03/12/2018 12:31

forkinghellmate

No, I don't think that's the attitude you have- it was more for context that I think GP's should be free to do as much childcare as they want to/are able to without it being held against them- but that, as with every decision, there are consequences both good and bad that come with those decisions.

Storminateacup1 · 03/12/2018 12:34

YANBU - Having to squeeze in a visit to your ILs every weekend is pressure you don’t need if you’re rushing about, and a bit of a pain in the bum when you’re making all the effort.

Maybe suggest if she can find a way to get to you, even if it means your DH pick her up and drop her off, it would be more doable.
Then, if that ends up being the deal, I’d say once a month at yours and other weekends you would go to hers, but that it would be played by ear.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 03/12/2018 12:38

It’s hard to commit to a specific time and day and doesn’t really always work out.
How are you going to arrange visits now?

user1467718508 · 03/12/2018 12:39

It was a pretty frosty response, but if MIL has form for not accepting the first answer, then ¯\(ツ)/¯

And FWIW, well dodged. Requesting fixed weekend visits when you work FT is a huge ask.

LoveWasAccidental · 03/12/2018 12:41

I think this is a complicated one. The fact is that your MIL could have seen the children every week if she had agreed to get involved with childcare. It would have been regular and frequent. She chose not to do this and wants to spend more time with them - but on her own terms, and during YOUR leisure time when quite understandably you would like to relax or do family activities without in-laws present. I think the fact you mentioned her choice about childcare does make it sound narky, but the fact is that the two things are related! She could have seen your kids every week if she'd chosen to. Having said no to that, she can't then demand regular visits on a weekend because that's when it suits her... and I also get the idea these visits might not be especially interesting for the children if granny doesn't want to get involved with childcare... she doesn't sound like the type to play games with them or centre them in any visit. I'm imagining (possibly unfairly) she wants them sitting chatting politely to granny while she drinks tea.

CardsforKittens · 03/12/2018 12:41

I think what you said was fine because you're not refusing to take the children to see her; you're refusing to be drawn into a regular commitment, just like your MIL didn't want to make a regular commitment to childcare. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

PeachCokeZero · 03/12/2018 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monkeynuts18 · 03/12/2018 12:46

Actually I don’t think YWU, either in refusing or in linking it to childcare.

Having a family in which both parents work full time is stressful and exhausting. Weekends are both precious and full-on. To refuse to help you out during the week but then to insist that you commit to giving up 25% of your free time to indulge her wishes is very unreasonable.

The two things are linked - as a grandparent you have to accept that you get out what you put in, as with any other relationship.

RaininSummer · 03/12/2018 12:49

Just tell her that you can do it sometimes and will let her know for sure at least the day before then you have as many get out opportunities as you need where you claim other commitments, sickness or whatever you want. Older people do like routine but it's quite handy to have a set slot for you too as then you can wriggle out of it more easily without seeming rude. Once your kids are bigger maybe you can deliver them 'to be seen' and collect them later. Win win.

flumpybear · 03/12/2018 12:51

Personally I'd say no, or come to my house at x time for x length of time

ComeOnComeOnComeOnGetThroughIt · 03/12/2018 12:54

I think you are 100% right not to commit to every
Saturday, however your PIL's decision not to undertake childcare is an entirely separate matter. It sounds vindictive to link the two.

Hopereigns · 03/12/2018 13:01

You are right not to commit to Saturday mornings, but you shouldn't have referred to the lack of childcare in the same breath.

I would message her on the odd Saturday or Sunday when you are free and invite her round then. Keep it random, not every week, never the same time or day and then it can't become routine. If she says oh same time next week, say no we are not home then.

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 13:09

I found it’s easier to go on Friday night after s long working day and just relax at mil, instead of wasting my much needed busy Saturday mornings.

At least you will have s lovely dinner ready and someone will figure out your kids. You might take that chance to do some facials routine with mil, or hair styling, pedicure.. you and DH and mil :)

I think it’s lovely that she isn’t a monster in law- I envy you.