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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your advice re MIL

79 replies

forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 11:29

I recently returned to work after having DS2.

I work full time and so does my DH.

My parents do a day of childcare for kids and that’s great. My MIL said she didn’t want to get involved in childcare and we said that’s fine.

I’ve found that since returning to work I’ve really felt that my weekends are jam packed and we have loads of kids parties etc and we take the kids on days out a lot.

My MIL has started to make noises that she doesn’t see the DC as much as she’d like. She then said to us that she wants us to come round every Saturday morning with the children. To add to this, DH’s family are BIG on routine and, for want of a better word, tradition. So I know for a fact that if we started this then hell would freeze over before we got out of it.

Perhaps I was out of line but I countered this request with a response along the lines of “quite rightly you didn’t want to commit to looking after the children on a set day and I am not willing to do the same with my weekends in terms of visiting.”

MIL and I have a fairly balanced relationship. We’ve said our bit on certain matters a few years ago after DD1 was born but other than that we bump along just fine. That being said, my insistence that I will not be pushed into a routine has really ruffled her feathers. DH is caught in the middle but he agrees that we can’t get caught up in a routine that we won’t stick to.

wwyd? Was i out of line to tell her why I wouldn’t be coming every weekend?

OP posts:
greendale17 · 03/12/2018 13:12

YANBU

I think it was a bit rude to link the two. “You won’t commit to childcare so I won’t commit to visiting”.

^No it wasn’t.

MumW · 03/12/2018 13:13

There is a big difference to regularly and regimentedly (is that even a word).

How about "I'm really pleased you want to see more of the DC but, what with work hours and DC's activities, a regimented approach doesn't work for us."

It wouldn't be so bad if she would come to you as she'd entertain the kids and you could get on. I still wouldn't want to have it set in stone, though.
Could she come on some of your days out?

Original poster
forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 13:15

I think it was a bit rude to link the two. “You won’t commit to childcare so I won’t commit to visiting”.

See this is not what I said. Your use of the word “so” suggests that my reason for not going is because she won’t look after them and that is not what I said.

I made a point that she has chosen not to give up a day during the week and will understand that I feel the same about my weekends.

OP posts:
DancingInTheCellar · 03/12/2018 13:15

Why is this your problem? Why is your DH 'stuck in the middle', when you say he agrees with you. Surely he can deal with his own mother? BTW I agree with never get sucked into set visiting days.

Rabbitjam · 03/12/2018 13:19

I don't get why people keep attacking the op about childcare. If mil had the grandchildren once a week, it ticks her seeing them box and keeps ops weekends as family time. Sounds like the perfect set up to me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2018 13:21

DH is caught in the middle

Why? If he wants to go and see her every weekend he can.

Original poster
forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 13:22

@rabbitjam since she vetoed a half day’s childcare during the week I definitely won’t raise the matter with her again. It’s her choice and a perfectly legitimate one - just like my choice is not to spend every Saturday morning on her sofa 😬

OP posts:
ZzzMarchhare · 03/12/2018 13:23

I don’t think you have done anything wrong. The MIL complained that she didn’t see the children enough. As a teenager if I wanted to see my neices and nephews more I offered to look after them or help. Some family members see my children more because they recognise with work, parties, swimming lessons we are busy and they can fit into our lives easier than us them. Others sit at home and want a visit where the kids are not given food, are expected to ‘behave’ and it’s painful so it doesn’t happen very often.

Original poster
forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 13:24

My MIL is also incredibly stubborn so even if she did regret saying no to childcare then you can be sure the lady’s not for turning 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Limensoda · 03/12/2018 13:26

You just say 'We will when we can but can't promise every week' Doesn't really matter whether she likes it or not.

Holidayshopping · 03/12/2018 13:29

Perhaps I was out of line but I countered this request with a response along the lines of “quite rightly you didn’t want to commit to looking after the children on a set day and I am not willing to do the same with my weekends in terms of visiting.”

I think you’re being incredibly sensible-that’s exactly what I would have done!

What did she say in response?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 03/12/2018 13:37

I have this with some family members. I work all week and like to spend the weekends doing things with DD as a family.

Some weekends we will go for visits to family but I don't see why Dh and I should spend every weekend running around to various family members for the sake of them seeing her. DD is now 5 and is at an age where she wants to go out and do things like go to the park, visit events and have fun, not sit around granny's house bored out of her skull.

Svalberg · 03/12/2018 13:40

When I was young we went to granny's every Saturday. As a result, I couldn't go to parties on a Sat or take part in out-of-school activities that were on a Sat. There was no option to go to granny's on a Sunday when there was a Sat thing that I wanted to do. Don't restrict yourself or your children!

flintfoxy · 03/12/2018 13:43

I'm amazed at some of the posters who are saying you were rude. The two things whilst not linked are not mutually exclusive - MIL did not want to have her time dictated by looking after the children during the week - why on earth should OP not point out that the exact same on the basis of this request?

YANBU OP. This is something my own MIL would try and pull and i wouldn't have a bar of it either.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/12/2018 13:46

Older people do like routine

We are talking about grandparents to quite young children. Its entirely possibly she is in her 50s or even 40s!

Some people like routine, some don't. I've never observed that to correlate to an age group past young childhood age.

BunsOfAnarchy · 03/12/2018 13:56

Looking at this objcetively, ,you're basically saying she cant see the children unless she is providing childcare in the week while you work.
Effectively thats what you're saying. Thats how it comes across.
How else can this work? They're well within their right to not provide childcare but how do you see a resolution where they can still see their grandchildren regularly? How about breakfast and play on Sunday mornings? Or a weekly lunch/dinner at theirs?
Will they pop over in the evening one day a week?

Holidayshopping · 03/12/2018 14:03

Looking at this objcetively, ,you're basically saying she cant see the children unless she is providing childcare in the week while you work.

I think she’s more saying that she doesn’t want to commit to a regular weekly arrangement.

Drogosnextwife · 03/12/2018 14:28

Not a chance I wpuld agree to give up every Saturday morning to go see pil. Tell your dh if he wants to take the kids that's fine you can stay at home and get a few hours peace and quiet Grin.

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 14:31

There’s a potential for misunderstanding in what you said , even though you meant well.

So perhaps clarify what you meant to her

diddl · 03/12/2018 14:51

I think that what you said was fine.

It doesn't come across to me as anything other than not wanting a weekly/regular commitment-same as MIL!

Jengnr · 03/12/2018 14:52

Looking at this objcetively, ,you're basically saying she cant see the children unless she is providing childcare in the week while you work.

They do see the children. Just not in a timetabled fashion.

OP basically said ‘I don’t want to commit to a weekly thing, you get that because you didn’t either’

howabout · 03/12/2018 14:55

A Saturday morning is a terrible idea. Who wants to get up with the DC after a hard week at work to sit around at DM or MIL and then rush home and make lunch or worse still have the visit take all day? Sunday mid afternoon on the way home from wherever is the appropriate time. If she wants to meet you half way she will offer to make you all dinner. I suspect this won't work for her because her plan is to do patting the DGC on the head nice and early leaving herself free to enjoy her weekend with plenty of witty DGC related anecdotes to share.

Or she could offer you supper on Saturday night for the DC while you and DH get a date night. That's what my GM used to do when we were little.

If your MIL really does want to be involved in you and your DC's lives on a regular basis then it surely has to be a bit of a 2 way street rather than familial obligation. As DC get older they either won't get out of bed or will have a club to go to anyway.

Original poster
forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 14:56

’ I don’t want to commit to a weekly thing, you get that because you didn’t either’

OP posts:
Original poster
forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 14:56

Sorry I meant to say yes! That’s what I’m trying to get across.

OP posts:
Pinkblanket · 03/12/2018 15:02

There's no way we would have time to commit to such an arrangement (two children,work full time). Saturday mornings are often a time when activities like swimming, sports clubs, drama etc take place. We also have to do the boring stuff like shop, clean, DIY etc. With the best will in the world we couldn't fit everything in and lose a morning every weekend.