Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just don't know what to do

98 replies

Ashasha · 03/12/2018 07:35

I really need your insight.

Basically I live in a rented flat with my partner. We are both self employed: his is failing and mine is thriving, but I'm bored and have wanted a change for a long time.

I have had a business idea that I think is going to do massively well. Its services. There's a gap in the market, and people where we live are forced to travel quite a way away to get what I would be offering. Not only that, but the structure of what I'm offering is pretty innovative and has the potential to turn into a franchise.

Before becoming self employed, my partner was unemployed for 6 years. I met him 2 years ago which is when he started up his self employed thing.

We live in the place of his choosing because he didnt want to move away from his friends, but I personally would prefer to live somewhere different. Nevertheless, although this place isnt my ideal location, its perfect for my business idea.

I'm just starting to feel a bit resentful. I pay for 75% of all our expenses because i earn more, and we have talked about buying a house together in the past.

Now with thia business idea, because his small business is failing, he likes my idea and wants in and I'm fine with that, but 2 things are bothering me:

  1. It feels like I'm having to drag him along into action. Example, I had this idea 5 days ago which I know isnt long, but Ive already come up with a great working name and logo and am researching the market etc while he seems not to be investigating much and is taking quite a 'manana manana' approach. I need a pro active contributor here.
  2. My dad said we should rent premises to test the idea out with minimal risk. My partner wants us to go with one of out original plans which was to buy a massive house that could double as accommodation and premises. The problem with that is I feel a bit resentful about that idea because:
  • we would only get a massive mortgage like that due to my earnings and track record and I guess I'm selfish and childish but for some reason that annoys me, and
  • if for whatever reason our relationship was to end, I would definitely not remain living here in a place i dont love. So in that case, i would end up moving and he would end up with this massive house in his choice location (obviously he would have to buy me out but still).

I told him I wanted us to rent premises not buy and he got grumpy. He was like "but the other option would get us on the property ladder and kill 2 birds with 1 stone" and "but how are we going to afford renting this flat AND premises?" (Answer: easily, that costs way less than a massive mortgage).

Sorry this is so long, I'm just confused and need help unpicking this because something feels off and i cant figure out why.

I should mention that my partner is otherwise a lovely guy etc.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 03/12/2018 07:39

He will never change.
Base your decision on this.

RedDeadRoach · 03/12/2018 07:40

He's piggybacking off your success and your new idea. No doubt he would want to be equal partners in the new business and will sit back while you carry the load like you are doing now. It's your idea, you've already started work on it but he is grumpy with you because you want to test the market with renting before jumping in with both feet and committing yourself to buying a lovely big house that he will get to live in while paying 25% of the joint cost.

Yeah sounds off to me too. I'd be careful about involving him in your business.

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2018 07:42

the truth - this is something it sounds like you should do on your own with no ties to your partner.

But at the very least you should go with the rent option for a whole range of reasons

and I would really look into your relationship - he doesnt sound that lovely a guy

7yo7yo · 03/12/2018 07:43

Please leave this no hoper.
This will be whole life.

7yo7yo · 03/12/2018 07:44

*your whole life.

itsfuckingnotducking · 03/12/2018 07:44

Of course he wants to buy. He wants 50/50 of a house he won't have to pay for. Why are you entertaining this guy? You will be financially responsible for him forever.

Littlefrog99 · 03/12/2018 07:45

Trust your instincts. If it seems like you're having to drag him along already it'll only het worse as his interest wanes.

6 years is a very long time to be unemployed. If someone really wanted to work then they'd find something in 6 years surely? Since then he set up his own business (because you did) and now as that's not doing so well he wants in on your idea. If it were me and I wanted to stay invested in the relationship I'd take him on as an employee, definitely not as an equal partner.

itsfuckingnotducking · 03/12/2018 07:46

And sorry but I really have to laugh at 'it will get us on the property ladder'.

Are you really so naive op?

BotherationBuggeration · 03/12/2018 07:47

Don’t ever become business partners with someone because they want in. If you don’t need them, do it alone, and buy in the expertise that you need. If you’re the one with the vision, you’ll find that running your ideas past someone else and having to persuade them to be on board with everything you want to do will get incredibly frustrating, especially when you’re the one doing the work.

Bitter experience...

Angrybird345 · 03/12/2018 07:48

I’d start the new business without him in your life.

Original poster
Ashasha · 03/12/2018 07:48

@Littlefrog99
Thats actually not a bad idea and is one I have considered (taking him on as an employee) but I know he won't be happy with that as he has this vision of being his own boss and also where we live is really archaic and backward and will be seen as him being emasculated (eye roll i know)

OP posts:
PickAChew · 03/12/2018 07:49

Aside the fact that he would benefit more than you, buying the massive house before the business took off would be risky, anyhow.

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2018 07:50

OP what would he be happy with him being the boss in the big house and you doing all the work.

Is that really how you want your future to be

BitOutOfPractice · 03/12/2018 07:51

What struck me op is that you don't mention at all how you feel about him. Do you love him? You only mention resentment. Ok, you say at the end he's a "great guy etc" which sounds like something you'd say about a bloke down the pub.

FWIW I think you should go it alone in this business. He's a lazy cock lodger.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/12/2018 07:52

Is his own business struggling because of lack of effort?

I wouldn't imagine that he'll change and I wouldn't be making launching harder for myself by having a difficult, unmotivated equal partner hanging around. He'd prove himself as an employee or focus on saving his own business if it was me. How did he survive being unemployed for so long? Is he self sufficient now?

Original poster
Ashasha · 03/12/2018 07:52

@itsfuckingnotducking
I don't know I'm really confused, my friends all think he's a nice guy but that he's gotten "comfortable" and is resting on his laurels a bit. I'm just having a hard time figuring out whether he's actually taking advantage a little bit or not. I dont think he's actively trying to milk the situation but I do think its all very convenient for him in a way.

I think whats bothering me is the risk and gamble involved for me in the sense that living in the place he wants to live is already not ideal for me, so buying a big house is even less so. You know?

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 03/12/2018 07:53

I don't think you should be tying your shiny new business endeavour to him tbh.

Objectively, if he wasn't your DP would you consider him as a business partner in light of his work ethic/iniative etc? If not, don't do it just because he's a DP to you - surely that's going to be instant resentment even if you weren't already feeling that way!

As for keeping him as a DP - to an outsider this seems like you are just lots more motivated than him. That's fine, but doesn't sound likely to result in relationship harmony and equality!!

EnterFunnyNameHere · 03/12/2018 07:55

It doesn't matter what your friends think, they aren't carrying him! If you've achieved all this despite him think what you'd manage without him!

LegoAdventCalendar · 03/12/2018 07:56

Your partner is workshy and thinks the world owes him a living. He will never change (unemployed for SIX years?) and will drag you down. He's a very expensive habit. Do not buy property with him on papers, start the business as you see fit and don't involve him at all. Detach and ditch this loser, he's a millstone.

Original poster
Ashasha · 03/12/2018 07:57

@BitOutOfPractice
Do I love him...yes I do love him but it just all feels like so much hard work sometimes. He IS a nice guy but he has to be pulled through everything. Even simple things like going out, going abroad, you name it.
He's really quite passive and that gets really draining because it never feels like a true mutual energy pushing us along, it feels like me wanting to do stuff and then he's fine to go along with it but - that just gets lonely.
But then he's such a nice guy (truly he is).

I have to admit something and this feels horrible: sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so I could just leave without feeling bad.

OP posts:
ErinWinspear · 03/12/2018 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

endofthelinefinally · 03/12/2018 07:58

When I read your OP I immediately thought he is a passenger. You will get tired carrying him and he will drag you down.

Original poster
Ashasha · 03/12/2018 08:00

@AnchorDownDeepBreath
His own business is struggling because he set up a business in a place full of businesses like it so....

He managed when unemployed for that long through benefits and help from his mum (dont even get me started on that! Personally i think she uses money to keep him bound to her).

Now he just about makes a wage for himself

OP posts:
LIZS · 03/12/2018 08:04

He had 6 years prior to meeting you when he could have been employed or started his business. That business is not successful. Were you an investor by any chance?

Tbh he does not sound as motivated as you and that will chip away at your relationship. If his business fails you will be picking up the slack . What plans is he making, or are you doing all the thinking ?

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2018 08:05

OP he can be a nice guy that doesnt mean he is the one for you

and he clearly isnt.

Do not get your business tied up with him