I just don't know what to do

[Ashasha]

I really need your insight.

Basically I live in a rented flat with my partner. We are both self employed: his is failing and mine is thriving, but I'm bored and have wanted a change for a long time.

I have had a business idea that I think is going to do massively well. Its services. There's a gap in the market, and people where we live are forced to travel quite a way away to get what I would be offering. Not only that, but the structure of what I'm offering is pretty innovative and has the potential to turn into a franchise.

Before becoming self employed, my partner was unemployed for 6 years. I met him 2 years ago which is when he started up his self employed thing.

We live in the place of his choosing because he didnt want to move away from his friends, but I personally would prefer to live somewhere different. Nevertheless, although this place isnt my ideal location, its perfect for my business idea.

I'm just starting to feel a bit resentful. I pay for 75% of all our expenses because i earn more, and we have talked about buying a house together in the past.

Now with thia business idea, because his small business is failing, he likes my idea and wants in and I'm fine with that, but 2 things are bothering me:

1. It feels like I'm having to drag him along into action. Example, I had this idea 5 days ago which I know isnt long, but Ive already come up with a great working name and logo and am researching the market etc while he seems not to be investigating much and is taking quite a 'manana manana' approach. I need a pro active contributor here.
2. My dad said we should rent premises to test the idea out with minimal risk. My partner wants us to go with one of out original plans which was to buy a massive house that could double as accommodation and premises. The problem with that is I feel a bit resentful about that idea because:

• we would only get a massive mortgage like that due to my earnings and track record and I guess I'm selfish and childish but for some reason that annoys me, and
• if for whatever reason our relationship was to end, I would definitely not remain living here in a place i dont love. So in that case, i would end up moving and he would end up with this massive house in his choice location (obviously he would have to buy me out but still).

I told him I wanted us to rent premises not buy and he got grumpy. He was like "but the other option would get us on the property ladder and kill 2 birds with 1 stone" and "but how are we going to afford renting this flat AND premises?" (Answer: easily, that costs way less than a massive mortgage).

Sorry this is so long, I'm just confused and need help unpicking this because something feels off and i cant figure out why.

I should mention that my partner is otherwise a lovely guy etc.

I also think you need to look at your relationship. It sounds as though you are very different people and the mix isn’t working too well for you anymore.

His passive laid back attitude does not work with being self employed as you need need drive and energy to succeed in being your own boss....

@InkyGrail
Its just so sad because I have a really warm, laugh a minute relationship with him. I trust him to be loyal to me. But like you say, somebody needs to create the flow, or what? Are we just going to stay static and stunted until we die?

The respect is gone...yeah. This is a horrible turn of phrase but i just want him to man up. He's even passive in bed! I just get tired of having to whip up energy and impetus whether its fucking, starting a business, going on holiday, you name it. I just feel like fuck it, I wish someone would make ME some flow.

@pinkdelight
Well whats also creating resentment in me is he has tastes well beyond his means and its like....where do you get off?!

Sorry now im just ranting.

Please don’t saddle yourself with this loser. You’ll grow to hate him. You sound bright and ambitious. Go it alone and determine your own future success.

I'd keep your business and relationship completely separate. If he gets resentful then it'll be even more obvious that he's just a passenger in this. You sound driven, independent and wise. He sounds lazy, unenthusiastic and daft. Not a match made in heaven.

If he was an employee you'd probably have to sack him.

So why is it different because you are sleeping with him?

You don't need an excuse to end a relationship, and you would be crazy to start a business with someone who you probably shouldn't even be in a relationship with.

Business is business regardless of weather your a couple or complete strangers.

If your money is fronting it it’s your business.

I would only go into business together if you are 100% sure he will last. The last thing you want it to have. Had a great idea turn it into a great business then find 5 years down the line that he wants out and have to either buy him out of something he never contributed to financially in the first place or have to sell the house/ premises because he wants his half.

Just my view from some one who’s partner has a business and that I work for as an employee

@Ashasha, he is riding on your back !
There is no love without respect, they go hand in hand.
As you progress, he will be come resentful, free yourself, you'll be fine.

I suspect both you and in the past his dm, are inadvertently enabling his laid back attitude which is now entrenched. He will not change until and unless he has to. Maybe separate but date if feel there is enough of a possibility that there may still be a future in it.

Your mismatched.you are a go getter.hes a plodder/ taker....get a mortgage with him/ go in to business With him your peril.

At your peril.

The place is intricately bound to the relationship. So i feel theres no option of taking a step back from the relationship, it feels like an all or nothing decision

No, you are just confused at the moment.

The relationship and business are completely separate.

Make the decision that you will go into business on your own. Tell him that.

Then that is done and you can focus on what you want out of your relationship.

You said that your current location is good for your business idea and that it could also turn into a franchise. Therefore if you decide to end the relationship, you could still rent your own flat in your current location to start the business and move out of the area at a later date. That could be a long term goal.

@Fairenuff
Thank you, thats not a bad way of looking at it: that although the place doesnt excite me if its right for the business right now it could be fine to hang around in in the medium term

Also, if you find suitable premises to rent and start the business, there is no pressure on you to make any immediate decision about your relationship.

I would tell him that you do not want to enter into business with him or buy a property with him because he is not financially able to meet half of the costs involved. I would also suggest that he start looking for employment that will pay enough to cover his bills because you do not intend to keep carrying him like you have been.

I suspect that if you do this you will see the real him and find out that he is not so laid back, go with the flow after all but just a common free loader.

He will then either have to step up and sort himself out or go back to live with his mum. It could be the making of him. But it really isn't your problem to sort out. You need to focus on yourself right now.

I wonder if you'd be able to deal with someone who is as focused as yourself? I'm fairly driven when involved in something that interests me, and in the past I found partners who were similar to be controlling - I'm not saying that they were controlling, they just wanted what they wanted, and I wanted what I wanted, and there'd be a clash. I got on best with a partner who was very laid back and was happy to trail along allowing me to do all the organising. Have a think about whether you'd really be happy with someone who'd interfere with your ideas. You don't like the input about buying rather than renting - and you're absolutely right that it wouldn't be a good plan - so you might find an energetic partner difficult to deal with as well.

It's tricky isn't it. I suppose in a lot of relationships one person could out earn the other, and they, much like you, would contribute more to the bills and such. But, if he's got no get up and go AT ALL and can't see himself getting one, it's a bit at odds with your very ambitious nature. Sorry you're in this situation OP, Hope it's not too much of a headache for too long.

It doesn't sound like the relationship is fantastic never mind the business side.
I'd at best keep everything separate, lease and business account in your name etc
Mortgage in your name if you decide that route.
But be wary of sharing too much business info with him, you don't need any competition.

What did he do for the six years he was unemployed? When I was unemployed over a number of years I did a voluntary job which led to a paid job then started a social enterprise. Admitedly this was the 90's when being on the dole was a lot easier but honestly what did he do with his days? Your instincts sound right. Do not buy a property with this man. Imagine having to carry him like this and then imagine two children thrown into the mix....Run.

Looking at this from the outside I have absolutely no idea why you would contemplate tying yourself into a business with him. You are mismatched as people. You have drive and ambition and potential. He doesn't. Only he would win from it.

You are even considering yourself what would happen if the relationship ended. I think you know it won't last.

Keep your business idea to yourself. Don't complicate the matter by getting him involved. Being in love with someone is a terrible reason to go into business with them on so many levels, especially when it's the only reason.

My dad said we should rent premises to test the idea out with minimal risk.
There's a very good reason your dad said this and maybe he understands the situation very well indeed.

Run for the hills! There are so many men (I use the term loosely) like this. They are spongers, freeloaders and a waste of space.
I didn't notice children being mentioned. Do not have children with this guy. He would sponge off their child benefit!
I had such a person in my life 30 years ago and despite divorce and a court order against him, he is still a pain in my butt.

We had an argument where i was like "what are your plans for life exactly?" and he was like "I don't know, to not stress, to take life as it comes" :-|

He gets to "not stress" as he had his mother supporting him financially and now he has you to support him but what happens if you get ill, do you both just fail as he has shown himself to not be financially sound and happy to live off others?

I just get tired of having to whip up energy and impetus whether its fucking, starting a business, going on holiday, you name it.

He wants the best of everything with no effort from him, do not tie yourself financially in any way to this man, I would bet if you did split he would be back to being supported by his mother. Does he think he is so special that the entire world owes him something.

He has tasted beyond his means because someone has always supported him.

How can he claim to be emasculated by being an employee of the business when you already pay 75% of the expenses. Not logical. Or he only cares about what others think.

I can see how you have lost respect for him. But I don't see him changing.

Op, you likely need to end this. You're not happy now, and the resentment will just get worse.

He simply doesn't have your get up and go. He was long term unemployed, he is lazy and happy to ride on your coat tails

Start the new business on your own. Sadly sometimes love isn't enough.

Get rid, what was he doing for 6 years? Un employed because?