I just don't know what to do

[Ashasha]

I really need your insight.

Basically I live in a rented flat with my partner. We are both self employed: his is failing and mine is thriving, but I'm bored and have wanted a change for a long time.

I have had a business idea that I think is going to do massively well. Its services. There's a gap in the market, and people where we live are forced to travel quite a way away to get what I would be offering. Not only that, but the structure of what I'm offering is pretty innovative and has the potential to turn into a franchise.

Before becoming self employed, my partner was unemployed for 6 years. I met him 2 years ago which is when he started up his self employed thing.

We live in the place of his choosing because he didnt want to move away from his friends, but I personally would prefer to live somewhere different. Nevertheless, although this place isnt my ideal location, its perfect for my business idea.

I'm just starting to feel a bit resentful. I pay for 75% of all our expenses because i earn more, and we have talked about buying a house together in the past.

Now with thia business idea, because his small business is failing, he likes my idea and wants in and I'm fine with that, but 2 things are bothering me:

1. It feels like I'm having to drag him along into action. Example, I had this idea 5 days ago which I know isnt long, but Ive already come up with a great working name and logo and am researching the market etc while he seems not to be investigating much and is taking quite a 'manana manana' approach. I need a pro active contributor here.
2. My dad said we should rent premises to test the idea out with minimal risk. My partner wants us to go with one of out original plans which was to buy a massive house that could double as accommodation and premises. The problem with that is I feel a bit resentful about that idea because:

• we would only get a massive mortgage like that due to my earnings and track record and I guess I'm selfish and childish but for some reason that annoys me, and
• if for whatever reason our relationship was to end, I would definitely not remain living here in a place i dont love. So in that case, i would end up moving and he would end up with this massive house in his choice location (obviously he would have to buy me out but still).

I told him I wanted us to rent premises not buy and he got grumpy. He was like "but the other option would get us on the property ladder and kill 2 birds with 1 stone" and "but how are we going to afford renting this flat AND premises?" (Answer: easily, that costs way less than a massive mortgage).

Sorry this is so long, I'm just confused and need help unpicking this because something feels off and i cant figure out why.

I should mention that my partner is otherwise a lovely guy etc.

Do not employ him. Keep your business entirely separate from your relationship.

If that's what he wants then just do everything in your name and perhaps make him a shareholder but no way part own it until he can prove himself!!

Urgh I'm so annoyed, hes going around telling everyone he wont be working on his self employed business for much longer because he's got plans for another bigger business brewing.

Obviously I did (stupidly) discuss doing this with him together, but him saying it is annoying me for skme reason now! I feel jealous!

OP this relationship isnt making you happy, you dont respect him and you seem to grudgingly love him. Why are you still with him

Op you are clearly very capable and assertive....so WHY are you such a pushover with him!

Listen carefully to what other poster have said it is pretty unnanimous......

You are not responsible for him.

You feel Jealous because he is taking rhe credit for your idea, making it out to be his, and is planning on just jacking his own work in to ride on your coat tails.

OP why don't you just end it now? None of this is what you want.

He's already trying to claim ownership of your idea.

Tell him that you've had second thoughts on going into business with him and that you're going to do it alone. See how he responds and take it from there.

Can you say why it might be that his own business is failing OP?

I would tell him sooner rather than later that you will be going it alone in the business-you could always say -for now- till you get it going if you want to give yourself space.

However, I would just dump him and start again. Though given that his other self employed business is the same as other people’s in the area (hence it not doing so well as there is only so much business to go round) I think I would be wary of discussing your ideas further with him as he might copy it and start his own!

Exactly what @MsJolly said.
If you don't OP, he is going to zap you of all joy.

I've invested in a few business ventures and anything 'couple related' needs to be on an absolute rock solid team - each complimenting each other re strengths and weaknesses to make a solid and committed base to build a business on. When one partner is more invested than the other it leads to failure or resentment. It's not good for the business or the relationship. Ergo not a good idea.

sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so I could just leave without feeling bad

That, as well as all the other stuff, tells me that deep down you've actually admitted to yourself that this relationship is over and has no future......you're just too co-dependent on him to fully consciously admit that to yourself and end it.
That's YOUR problem and if you don't deal with it you will either remain stuck in limbo or he'll carry on treating you like a mug.

But then he's such a nice guy (truly he is)
What's 'nice' about him op?
On a personal level he's lazy, has no work ethic, no sense of responsibility nor a desire to pull his weight in the relationship. He has no ambition, no goals, no real values and no ability to handle any proper mental load.
On a practical level, he's only been able to just about give himself a wage because of the effort YOU put into creating his business and the investment from his mum - and even this wage will soon end because he has absolutely zero business sense.
YOU are completely financially responsible for rent, bills, funding anything you do together...and will soon be funding him whilst he's unemployed.
Or you'll be playing the mum-role and creating a job for him, paying him a wage and still be left being the only financially responsible adult.
He's also shit in bed.
So tell me please - what is actually nice about him?

I have considered (taking him on as an employee) but I know he won't be happy with that as he has this vision of being his own boss and also where we live is really archaic and backward and will be seen as him being emasculated
He's very entitled, expecting it all to be handed to him on a plate without putting in any effort or hard work.
He's also gaslighting you - how come he managed to remain unemployed for 6 years and being funded by his mother without ever feeling emasculated?
He's just using that excuse to manipulate you.
Far from being 'nice', i think he's actually a manipulative leech and knows exactly how to play the 'charm offensive' to sucker you in.

Theres like this trinity in my head of business - place - relationship and i need to be clear in my own head with what i want from all 3 before i do anything
Simplify it by using the 'ME FIRST' approach -
What kind of life partner do I want/deserve? Not the one you currently have
What do i want to do work wise? Remain self employed
What kind of environment/lifestyle do i want? Nice area, close to amenities, friends and family that will also give me the option to expand/start new business...maybe even have a bigger pond to fish for a new, more suitable life partner...somewhere I can create a stable and secure future that would be conducive to bringing up a family

From where i'm standing it's pretty straight forward and simple.
It's just that you're allowing your emotions to rule your head and your co-dependency is preventing you from doing what is best for you.

This mummy's boy/man child will never grow up of his own accord, he's been molly coddled for too long.
He doesn't even have enough common sense or brain cells to do it for himself.
He's Mr Right-Now (good for a laugh) - not Mr Right (life partner material).

For the sake of your own mental health you need to make a decision soon and be ready to follow through by the New Year.

Something to bear in mind if you ever decide to let someone else/romantic partner be a co-owner of your business or have a 50% share in any way.......when the relationship breaks down you will have to buy them out.
If you've done all the hard work and the business is worth serious money, that's a pretty bitter pill to swallow.
That's assuming they want to sell to you....they could refuse.
They could just cause endless amount of stress when it comes to making business decisions.
They could remain a partner in the business without doing any actual work - and still be getting paid in dividends.
So you'll then either have to suck it up or liquidate/allow the business to fail to get rid of them.

Just keep being your own boss OP.

It sounds like he's already seeing your business idea as HIS business.

If this continues, he will either try to claim half the business, or steal your ideas & set up in competition.

Stop telling him your plans, remove yourself from the relationship, and start building your new life without this hanger-on, before you end up with real legal issues.

No.
No. No. No. No. Nooooooooo

Love.

You are sacrificing a LOT for ‘love’.

We can ‘love’ lots of people throughout our lives, it doesn’t mean we should be in a relationship with them.

You need to face up to the fact that you KNOW he’s not the man for you, you just don’t want to face it. It’s hard, I have the T-shirt, we were together 10 years - 4 of them (at least!) where I was torn between ‘loving’ him and knowing he wasn’t the one for me, but unable to be to break his heart, or mine. Eventually, I did. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do.

You have to be strong and break up with him. He is dragging you down. You need a partner that ADDS to your life, not one who sucks all your energy out.

This is about YOU, not him, but briefly about him...he was unemployed for SIX years, you set him up in his business, you’re carrying him. He has NO motivation, no energy, no drive. It doesn’t matter that the bits of him your friends and family see make him seem like ‘a nice guy’ - it’s YOU he’s dragging down, not them.

You don’t need your whole life plan sorted first, breaking up with him is the first step. If you can run your business from anywhere then I suggest you get the hell out of dodge. Rent a flat somewhere else. Maybe one of the other places you thought a franchise would work. Or stay with your Dad for a bit?

If this idea you have means you have to live in places you wouldn’t chose to, then don’t do it. Plod on with your current business, o come up with another idea for somewhere you want to live.

Don’t stay out of fear or ‘sunk costs’. The time you have spent with him cannot be changed, you cannot let that determine the next 50 years of your life!

(For god sake though, whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant.)

Have you spoken to him OP.
There are a lot of wise women on here, please listen to them.
Close the door on him, and open a new one, with a host of possibilities waiting for you.

Before you move any further forward with this business you need to cut him out. Move or have him move. Once this idea is up and running he will claim ownership and fuck you over big time once you split.

Please do NOT go into business with him.
Irrespective of the location and wider relationship, he does not have the same drive and motivation as you. He will drive you mad - he is already driving you mad and that's without needing him to do his share and your business failing if he doesn't.

Would you have gone into business with him if you weren't involved with him, with his previous unemployment, failing business and general attitude?

If you go into business with him I think you might end up splitting up over it

I have to admit something and this feels horrible: sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so I could just leave without feeling bad

OP, you're obviously an intelligent woman so you know this is not how you're supposed to feel about the person you share your life with. Why should you "feel bad" for ending the relationship unless infidelity is involved? Are we to believe that women should be obliged to remain in an unhappy relationship, with a partner who isn't compatible with them and doesn't make them happy and just be grateful that he doesn't cheat?? Not cheating doesn't get him a medal, it's the bare minimum you should expect in a relationship. You don't owe him anything, either financially or emotionally. You're entitled to end a relationship for any reason you see fit and god knows, you have plenty of reasons. The bottom line is, you're not compatible- you're ambitious, driven and self-motivated and he's quite happy meandering through life letting others (you, his mum etc) fund his lifestyle. The fact that he would feel "emasculated" by being your employee but has no qualms whatsoever about you paying 75% of the bills, wants you to effectively buy him a big house and just give him 50% of your new business speaks volumes. I couldn't respect a man like that so I can completely see where the resentment is coming from.

Get out. You won't regret it.

I have probably never said that but

Ltb business wise.
Which might cause issues in relationship too though.

You need someone with drive and who will support you in your ventures same way you would support them.

OP, from a business point of view, don't do it with him, he's workshy (6 years???), passive and you don't need that in your new business.

From a personal POV, I think your relationship has run it's course. He's clearly very comfortable with you paying for most stuff, he's just as passive in the relationship, and there are other "nice guys" out there.

IMO, I think you go it alone professionally and personally. Otherwise it's be like this forever, he's not going to change. He has no reason to, and is used to other people looking after him (his mum and now you).

This reminded me of a business i know of that was set up by a couple; they took off fantastically well with the woman's idea and she trusted him to set up the product patents/registrations/whatever and now a few years down the line he has pretty much stolen that product, re labeled it, undercut her by half and is stealing business left right and centre off the back of her work.

It would be awful to see something like that happen to you.
I say, don't tell him another thing about the business and tell him that for the sake of your relationship you'd like to go this alone. Then you can decide if you want the relationship too.