I just don't know what to do

[Ashasha]

I really need your insight.

Basically I live in a rented flat with my partner. We are both self employed: his is failing and mine is thriving, but I'm bored and have wanted a change for a long time.

I have had a business idea that I think is going to do massively well. Its services. There's a gap in the market, and people where we live are forced to travel quite a way away to get what I would be offering. Not only that, but the structure of what I'm offering is pretty innovative and has the potential to turn into a franchise.

Before becoming self employed, my partner was unemployed for 6 years. I met him 2 years ago which is when he started up his self employed thing.

We live in the place of his choosing because he didnt want to move away from his friends, but I personally would prefer to live somewhere different. Nevertheless, although this place isnt my ideal location, its perfect for my business idea.

I'm just starting to feel a bit resentful. I pay for 75% of all our expenses because i earn more, and we have talked about buying a house together in the past.

Now with thia business idea, because his small business is failing, he likes my idea and wants in and I'm fine with that, but 2 things are bothering me:

1. It feels like I'm having to drag him along into action. Example, I had this idea 5 days ago which I know isnt long, but Ive already come up with a great working name and logo and am researching the market etc while he seems not to be investigating much and is taking quite a 'manana manana' approach. I need a pro active contributor here.
2. My dad said we should rent premises to test the idea out with minimal risk. My partner wants us to go with one of out original plans which was to buy a massive house that could double as accommodation and premises. The problem with that is I feel a bit resentful about that idea because:

• we would only get a massive mortgage like that due to my earnings and track record and I guess I'm selfish and childish but for some reason that annoys me, and
• if for whatever reason our relationship was to end, I would definitely not remain living here in a place i dont love. So in that case, i would end up moving and he would end up with this massive house in his choice location (obviously he would have to buy me out but still).

I told him I wanted us to rent premises not buy and he got grumpy. He was like "but the other option would get us on the property ladder and kill 2 birds with 1 stone" and "but how are we going to afford renting this flat AND premises?" (Answer: easily, that costs way less than a massive mortgage).

Sorry this is so long, I'm just confused and need help unpicking this because something feels off and i cant figure out why.

I should mention that my partner is otherwise a lovely guy etc.

@LIZS
Hell no, I'm not the investor: his mum is 😉

We had an argument where i was like "what are your plans for life exactly?" and he was like "I don't know, to not stress, to take life as it comes" :-|

Get out now before you tie your home and business to him

Trust your instincts because you’re spot on. rent the premises and set up as a ltd company- if the business then struggles your home isn’t at risk.

you won't forgive yourself if you buy that place

rent, start your business but do not have him as a business partner - have him as someone who works for you

my friend goes out with someone like your dp and I honestly feel like slapping her with a wet fish - he hasn't had a proper job in years and she works her arse off! This can work if your bloke pulls his weight in other ways but I bet he isn't....

you're bright, ambitious, doing well....don't sell yourself short with this no hoper! Set your business up, do what your dad said and try it out with rented premises and if it goes well, move back to the area you want and keep the business running

good luck, hope it all works out! I suspect once your business takes off, you'll suddenly realise how bored you are with him....sometimes it just takes a bit of time, the fact that you can write it out now means you are one step towards that decision

You don’t want to be with this guy.

The thought of him cheating should make you feel sick and devastated, not relieved.

Keep on with him if you really must but keep all businesses 100% separate and stay renting (i.e. be able to easily walk away)

I have a good friend who could almost have written this, her and her DP limped on and eventually after 6 years together she was so miserable she eventually cheated on him, which was the excuse they needed to end it.
She wasted her late 20s/ early 30s. Her whole life was on hold she knew deep down they could never marry (he’d have stopped working), have kids (he’d have suggested he be the “same at home” but been useless and she’d have ended up paying for a nanny too) or own a place together (he never had any money and she subsided everything) because of his behaviour.

Do not go into business with him.
Do the idea, but do it on your own.

And stop subbing him.

What are your plans for life (just wondering how different your answers would be?)

I think you know what the answer is. Do this business venture alone. And whilst you are at it really think about a LTB too. Read back on how you have described him/your relationship. If you had a friend or sister talking about her chap like that what would you think about the sustainability of their relationship?

I think you love him but I don’t think you respect him.
If he were currently a colleague or a friend, whose work ethic and ambition you had good reason to doubt, you wouldn’t give them an equal stake in your business.
I think you know very well that going into business with him is unwise. You know WHAT to do but not HOW to tell him and deal with him.
All you can do here is be true to yourself. Nothing will kill the relationship faster than you patronising him by giving him a stake in something that you doubt he is suited to. If he is this hard to communicate with now, what sort of business partner would he make?
You could take him on as an employee and restructure the shareholding in a year or two if he is working and contributing as much as you. You could allow him to present himself to the world as a partner if that matters to him. I bet you never have to restructure.

His lack of motivation is a real problem. It sounds to me like he’s one of those who love the idea of being self employed but just lack the substance to make it happen. (There are lots of this type out there)

I’m kinda shocked at the response on here though, saying not to buy a home with him or let him leech off you...etc.

I’m in my early mid twenties, work full time in a respectable job (earning a mid twenties salary) and study full time too. DP works (more than) full time and earns 3x more than me. He probably always will due to the career he’s chosen!

We’re getting married next year and share a joint account into which we put everything we have- no strings. Does that mean I’m ‘leeching’ off him?
I had a bit of savings when we met and he had a lovely and half paid off house in a nice area. I put my savings in the joint pot and he put me on the mortgage... but it certainly wasn’t equal, am I leeching? 🤔

I bring 25% of our household income in so i must be taking advantage of my soon to be DH, right?
Well nobody around us seems to think that. Although I suspect it has more to do with being being a woman, five years younger than him and ‘taking care of the domestic side very well’. Must make it all more socially acceptable but on paper it’s very similar to the OP and DP.

You don't need a reason to split up apart from you're not happy. Which you're not are you? It's ok to do that, no matter how nice a guy he is.

And there's nothing wrong with his attitude either, if that's how he wants to live. It's just that it doesn't match with your outlook and that mismatch will cause resentment (it already is!) that will only get worse.

@GetOffTheTableMabel
Thank you. That was extremely insightful and accurate.

Knightly, it's not the same situation at all. It's not the earning capacity that's the problem here, it's the lack of effort and motivation. I've never earned anything near what my husband does. But I provide a huge amount to making things work in our relationship. This guy doesn't. He doesn't seem to even make an effort with organising their social life or holidays. That's why people think he's a dead weight. You, on the other hand, sound motivated for your family's future.

@KnightlyMyMan
I think the difference is you study full time, work full time and do the domestic stuff.

I agree with @Littlefrog99......6 years is WAY too long to be unemployed without getting some kind of work. Runwith your idea but given it's your idea and you've got the positive track record, I'd say YOU are running the show. Save up a bit of money...get him to contribute and RENT fgs don't buy.....way too risky. Personally I'd not be having him as my business partner but that's me.....he doesn't sound committed or hardworking enough.

@KnightlyMyMan nobody would think that's leeching. Because you are a. Working hard and b. Contributing equally to your dp ie 100%

sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so I could just leave without feeling bad

This tells you everything about your situation. You clearly wouldn't be bothered if he wasn't around. It's probably kinder to make the break with him now rather than to let things drag on whilst you resent him more and more.

You are fed up with him and voicing 'what if we split up?' concerns....

Writing is on the wall. I would seriously reconsider your relationship before you do anything at all.

As an example he just left for work and asked me if I could print out some more business cards for him (I work from home).

Which i wont be doing as a matter of principle. Which is sad really. At the start i designed and printed all his buskness cards, in fact i did the entire branding and logo design for his business which i guess just demonstrates how my attitude has changed since then, with me not even wanting to simply print some cards.

Do not go into business with him. It will be a nightmare and if you split up it will be costly and could ruin you financially.

If I were you I would take this opportunity to have a break in the relationship. Get your own flat and start up the business. Let him look after himself and prove that he can support himself and make good financial decisions.

After a while, if you both want to, you could try dating again and see how it goes but don't move back in with him. He will forever be sponging off you.

I suspect the break is all you need to realise that he's not the one for you.

There are some people who are happy to just 'go with the flow'. Trouble is, normally, someone else is having to, you know, make the 'flow' happen for them to ride along on.

He doesn't sound malicious, but he does sound as though he expects you to mother him and direct him, probably like his own mother has from what you've said.

The respect is gone and you resent him now. I would say the relationship has run its course tbh.

Dump him, go it alone. Good luck.

Why didn’t he have a job for 6 years? What was he doing in that time?

I feel for you OP, I have encountered many of this type of guy. I was fairly successful at a young age in business and had a lot of PR coverage - as a result it seemed to attract wannabe cock lodgers. Trust your instincts!!!
A life partner should be an equal, someone you admire, not someone you have to drag along that rides on your hard work.

@Fairenuff
But see I feel like I cant do that either because then it'll be me having invested in a business in a place I wouldn't want to be if I werent with him.
You see what i mean?
Thats whats complicating it in my head, that its a two fold problem: the place and the relationship. The place is intricately bound to the relationship. So i feel theres no option of taking a step back from the relationship, it feels like an all or nothing decision.

The other thing thats making me stall is I'm not too sure yet where I would want to be IF the relationship ended. I have a few places in mind but i cant say with any surety where I'd go. So for the moment until thats clear and i have a clear vision of where i would want to be, I'm just staying static. Theres like this trinity in my head of business - place - relationship and i need to be clear in my own head with what i want from all 3 before i do anything.

"he seems not to be investigating much and is taking quite a 'manana manana' approach."

Because this is how he is. Likewise he hasn't got comfortable so is resting on his laurels. Again, this is how he is. He was like it for 6 years of being unemployed. You aren't going to find some secret switch that rewires him to be motivated and ambitious. He's told you he wants no stress and to take life as it comes. He also wants a big house and to be boss of a business. The way he is won't achieve the latter - unless you sign up for a shedload more stress and give it all to him for nothing but the pleasure of his company. He may be a lovely guy, but if so, then just enjoy being in a relationship and don't share your business with him, or a mortgage come to that. Given you're already thinking about 'what if you split up', I'd bin any idea of tying yourself to him in a business or otherwise.