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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil wants to take DS to funeral

90 replies

Gradeup · 02/12/2018 22:22

DS 2.5 at MIL and she was talking to BIL about going to a friends funeral in the week which is a day she has DS. DH luckily heard this conversation and said DS isn’t going with you so he will work from home to look after DS that day so Mil could attend. MIl starts huge argument and says she doesn’t see it being a problem taking DS they only going to church part and sit at the back. DH holds firm DS isn’t going to a funeral but mil just keeps arguing against and asking for reason why DS can’t go..

Turns out she wasn’t even going to tell us about takingDS to a funeral it’s only because we were there when a conversation happened. I stayed out and let DS handle it as there was other family members present who also stayed out and everyone kept looking at each other

OP posts:
Gravel1 · 02/12/2018 22:26

def no

SylvanianFrenemies · 02/12/2018 22:28

It's up to you, obviously if you don't want him to go, he shouldn't, and your MIL shouldn't argue..

I dont see what the problem is with him going, however.

WitchesHatRim · 02/12/2018 22:30

Personally I don't see the issue with him going.

How is your DH going to work whilst looking after a toddler?

imgoingtoloosemymind · 02/12/2018 22:31

What's the problem with him going?

Original poster
Gradeup · 02/12/2018 22:31

It’s more out of respect to the family of the person who has passed away they don’t want a noisy 2.5 boy running around it’s a long time to try and keep him quiet.

OP posts:
PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 02/12/2018 22:34

Surely it's up to the family? I didn't take my rambunctious 2 year to a funeral once and lots of people asked where he was and would have loved to see him. Surely MiL would have asked the family in question. Not sure why it would be something for you and DH to be upset about though - it's not like DS will really know what's going on.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 02/12/2018 22:35

(To clarify obviously I wouldn't randomly show up with an unexpected 2 year old to a funeral but I would assume MiL had discussed it with the family in question and they were happy for DS to attend).

notangelinajolie · 02/12/2018 22:36

I also don't see why he shouldn't go. However it's up to you.

missymayhemsmum · 02/12/2018 22:37

I'm impressed that your 2 year old ds would sit quietly at the back of a funeral with MIL. I think if she is happy to provide you with free childcare then she gets to take him to her normal activities, which presumably includes funerals. Death being part of life, etc. She should have checked it with you, though.

Bibijayne · 02/12/2018 22:40

Is this friend someone you, DH or DS know? If not, I agree it's not appropriate.

MIL should have asked too. Not just assumed. YANBU.

mikado1 · 02/12/2018 22:41

I've had to take babies to funerals, because I didn't have childcare, and without fail someone always says how lovely it is to see a small child at a funeral.. obviously I/mil would take him out if anyway distracting. I'd say mil feels a bit embarrassed that her plan was met with such a reaction and she probably thought it was perfectly fine. Everyone's different but as long as grieving family ok, I'd have no problem.

user1484424013 · 02/12/2018 22:43

Find people weird who do not take children of any age to a funeral. You and your husband have issues. Address them now. Really creepy when people won't allow this as a professional I can categorically say it damages children in the future. Nothing wrong with your mil and you both owe her an apology. Life and death meet your son is young as in new life not like she is going to let him use the coffin as a skate board and give the eulogy

Bibijayne · 02/12/2018 22:46

@user1484424013 wow! Cool your horses! It's very much down to the child AND the funeral.

My dad - late 60s - said he had terrifying nightmares for years after going to an open casket funeral as a small child. Sometimes it's not in the best interests of anyone! Surely the parents should have been asked for input. Not MIL's call.

ZacPosenatemyhamster · 02/12/2018 22:48

Well there you have it user categorically says your 2yo will be damaged by not being allowed to go to the funeral of a stranger.

Should I be taking my 7 month old to weekly funerals instead of music bus to be sure she's a well rounded adult?

MadeForThis · 02/12/2018 22:53

No way. It's not your mil's decision.

I wouldn't feel comfortable having a death discussion with a 2 year old unless totally necessary. I also wouldn't want him in a church full of grieving upset people. Could be very confusing to see adults upset with no understanding.

Aside from the fact he is not family to the dead persons relatives. He will not be a cute boy making noise. He could be an unwelcome distraction. And that's not fair on anyone.

olivertwistwantsmore · 02/12/2018 22:56

Does he know the dead person?

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 02/12/2018 23:00

I unfortunately have a funeral to go to this month, my DS who is 2 will not be going, despite him being related to the deceased. Not because it’s sad or to be scared of, but because he is a boisterous, loud, adventurous toddler and it’ll be a nightmare trying to control him. My family wouldn’t be upset if he was there, causing trouble but I don’t need the additional stress, so DPIL will hopefully have him.
I can understand where you’re coming from, she should really have run it by you IMO.

Missingstreetlife · 02/12/2018 23:05

No problem having death discussion, he will ask where grandma is?
No point going to funeral tho, no harm either, but if not well behaved will be a distraction. Sounds like you have some other issues!

Molakai · 02/12/2018 23:08

Given that OP and her DH knew nothing about the funeral it is clear it's nobody close to the family. Just someone known to MIL.

Whilst I don't think it's damaging to take a small child, I would think it quite odd in this particular set of circumstances. And Mil's insistence is odder still.

Ginseng1 · 02/12/2018 23:09

My dd is almost 2.5 granny could bring her to a funeral n she woukdnt have a clue what's going on. Serious overreaction on your part but then am in rural Ireland where funerals are massive! the grieving family woukdnt care who you brought the bigger the turnout the better! It would be wierd to ask permission. My kids all saw their granddad laid out at home n got to say goodbye as we would have as kids - good few random kids were at the funeral, I'd imagine as no sitter available but no big deal.

Findingdotty · 02/12/2018 23:12

I don’t think it’s weird for children generally to attend funerals. But I do think your MIL was wrong for hiding her plans and presumably not askinj the family if they are happy for a 2yr old to attend. I think it is a bit odd for a child to attend a funeral of a person that they don’t know or have no link to.

TrippingTheVelvet · 02/12/2018 23:25

I'm always dubious when posters assert extreme opinions under the guise of being a professional. Professional what? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Doubt it.

Vicky1990 · 02/12/2018 23:28

Your mil disputing your decision is the game changer.
Whatever the why's and wherefores it is your decision and for her not to respect that is very disturbing.

Cherries101 · 02/12/2018 23:33

I don’t see the issue here. Kids who don’t go to funerals tend to take death a lot harder when they experience it.

Cornishclio · 02/12/2018 23:37

We didn't let our 7 and 5 year old go to my dads funeral. It would have upset them seeing us upset and we felt it would give my eldest particularly nightmares as she was very sensitive. They are now adults and have no hang ups about death and have both been to funerals. Some very weird responses on this thread. It is your call anyway OP. MIL was wrong to just assume you would be ok with it.

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