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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil wants to take DS to funeral

90 replies

Gradeup · 02/12/2018 22:22

DS 2.5 at MIL and she was talking to BIL about going to a friends funeral in the week which is a day she has DS. DH luckily heard this conversation and said DS isn’t going with you so he will work from home to look after DS that day so Mil could attend. MIl starts huge argument and says she doesn’t see it being a problem taking DS they only going to church part and sit at the back. DH holds firm DS isn’t going to a funeral but mil just keeps arguing against and asking for reason why DS can’t go..

Turns out she wasn’t even going to tell us about takingDS to a funeral it’s only because we were there when a conversation happened. I stayed out and let DS handle it as there was other family members present who also stayed out and everyone kept looking at each other

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 02/12/2018 23:38

While if I d this whole let’s not expose children to death attitude that British people take crazy (and a recipe for inability to deal with grief in ausulthood) I understand why you wouldn’t want your child to impose on someone else mourning. It’s not like he’s actually going to sit through the service is it? Her reaction is quite odd as well. In her place I would be downright grateful I wasn’t taking such a young child to a funeral.

5foot5 · 02/12/2018 23:41

Well ultimately it is your decision but I feel you are over reacting a bit. We once took DD to a funeral when she was about 2 1/2. It was a next door neighbour and we both wanted to go and had nobody to look after her as it wasn't one of the days she was normally in nursery.

It was fine. A friendly modern church with an area at the back with things for small children. At the first sign of her being restless one of us took her there. But actually the service isn't that long, it doesn't seem like an unreasonable thing to do.

pallisers · 02/12/2018 23:42

I have no problem with children being at a funeral. I wouldn't have batted an eye if my mother was minding my 2 year old nephew and said "we went to the funeral for x". neither would my sister. But I am Irish so grew up going to funerals.

I do have a problem with boisterous small children being at the back of the church and yelling. I gave a eulogy for my dad at his funeral and my friend's 2 year old yelled through most of it. I wish she had taken him out.

Seniorschoolmum · 02/12/2018 23:46

O0, I agree, it’s an inappropriate place for a small child. I was faced with this when ds was 2. I did not want him at a funeral where a lot of people were going to be very distressed, with ds having no idea why they were crying, and him likely to be scared.
Also no fun for the grieving family, coping with a noisy chattering toddler.
I kept my son at home, and would do the same again.

yesmelord · 02/12/2018 23:48

Id personally want to know why MIL was so set on taking the child?

Surely if there's an option of not taking a child with you to a funeral, especially a very young one then you just wouldn't take them?

I don't think it's about 'exposing death' or 'being too sensitive'

Is she the type of woman who would want to show off her grandson even at a funeral?

Touchmybum · 03/12/2018 00:06

Sorry, but you are damn lucky to have her minding him. He won't have a clue.

Do you mind if she takes him to the post office, supermarket, or the church fete?

If not, then catch a bloody grip. Or make alternative arrangements to have him minded.

oh4forkssake · 03/12/2018 00:11

The noise bit I can see, but then she’d just have to take him out - that’s her call.

I think it’s weird not taking children to funerals. Death is part of life! Why mystify it. Confused

I’m Irish too though. We do things differently

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2018 00:12

Why on earth is it ok to take a toddler to a funeral he has no connection to?

It's not a jolly afternoon outing!

Do you mind if she takes him to the post office, supermarket, or the church fete?

It's hardly the bloody same! Do people get upset and cry at the church fete?

The child's father is taking time off so that his mother can go to her friend's funeral.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2018 00:13

Is it normal in Ireland to take a child to a funeral of someone they have no connection to?

Is it really a general spectator activity?

Cheesenacho123 · 03/12/2018 00:20

We had my nanas funeral a couple of weeks ago and there’s no way I’d of taken my two year old. He’s way too noisy, he also can’t seem to sit still for more than a minute and it’s not an environment he would understand or respect (very peaceful and quiet crem). Also none of my younger cousins (all aged between 4 and 12) were there because they were at school and not a thing they should witness at that age. I’m only in my 20’s and it was still a hard day for me.

Rinceoir · 03/12/2018 00:28

Nanny0gg it’s not a “general spectator activity” but funerals in general are much bigger in Ireland. It would be usual to go to the funeral of a friend/colleagues sibling or mother as a sign of respect to the family. I grew up going to funerals and wouldn’t think twice about bringing my child to a funeral. Nor would most Irish people I know.

Redyoyo · 03/12/2018 00:39

Its not the done thing here (central scotland) to take children to funerals. I won't let my children go to a funeral until at least 12. I was 17 before going to a funeral and I'm not emotionally scarred by the ones i missed.
I think you are quite right i wouldn't want my child there either.

pleasegotowork · 03/12/2018 00:52

I'm Irish too and wouldn't think twice about taking children to a funeral. I'm going to a wake tomorrow evening and will have my children with me. The person is being waked at home so there'll be an open casket. This won't bother my children at all, they're used to it. Death is part of life. When my mother died earlier this year, my children took it much better than I thought they would and I'm sure that's in part because they've been to lots of funerals so know the drill, so to speak.

Naturally, if my children were being noisy, I'd remove them but to be honest, I wouldn't have noticed or cared if there were children making noise at my mother's funeral.

OkPedro · 03/12/2018 00:57

redyoyo Why will your children not go to a funeral before 12? And why is 12 the magic number?
I went to lots of funerals as a child. I wasn't scarred or traumatised.
Why pretend death doesn't happen. Its totally different if your child would be upset but generally if it's explained to a child there's no harm done.

joystir59 · 03/12/2018 01:01

I don't see any problem with him going to the funeral. Your MIL can remove him from the service if he gets restless and disruptive. People will love having him at the wake afterwards.

joystir59 · 03/12/2018 01:03

What's wrong with children seeing people crying?

AuchAyeTheNo · 03/12/2018 01:24

To the posters who are saying that it affects children later on in life if they dont attend funerals, where is the research for this? Please link it.

I would never take my toddler to a funeral, neither of my children attended my FIL’s this year. I dont think its appropriate to take young kids to upsetting situations. There is no need for it at all.

OkPedro · 03/12/2018 01:40

auchaye where's the research to show that children who do go to funerals have problems later on in life? Please link it

We're just giving opinions here. I was at many funerals as a child (have a big family) and it didn't harm me.
My dd came to my Mam and Dad's funerals and although she is a sensitive child, she was fine and it helped her say goodbye properly

Bibijayne · 03/12/2018 04:50

I think many posters talking about going to funerals in Ireland as kids are missing the point.

OP said they didn't want their child going. MIL is not respecting their decision.

Clearly kids at funerals or not splits opinion. But whichever way you cut this - it's the sort of thing MIL should have asked about and when told know, should accept OP and partner's decision.

brookshelley · 03/12/2018 05:16

I agree with you as 2.5 year olds aren't known for sitting quietly and I would hate to have my child ruin an emotional event for someone's family. It's different if it's a relative but seems just MILs friend, is that right?

My older DC was definitely asking me what does dying mean around 2.5 so they are old enough to understand. (BTW why do all Disney movies have someone die)

finn1020 · 03/12/2018 05:50

I can’t see why it’s a big deal taking a 2.5 year old to a funeral UNLESS he’s out of control crazy and will run around disrupting the service and your MIL can’t control him.

You have said no “out of respect to the family of the deceased” but it doesn’t seem you even know them so that’s your MILs decision to make as she clearly DOES know them. You’ve also said he’s “noisy” but if this is just normal 2.5 year old behaviour I wouldn’t be concerned. Really if you trust her to look after your child properly she should be able to judge the situation to know how he’d behave and whether she feels it’s appropriate to take him, and I can’t see why you’d be making this decision for her based on the perceived feelings of people you’ve ever met, or don’t know well enough to attend a funeral for.

But if this is more about you worrying that your child would be psychologically damaged by attending a funeral - I think that is completely mad bordering on bats&t crazy but as a parent that IS your decision to make, and you should tell her why you don’t want him to attend.

MeVoila · 03/12/2018 05:57

There doesn't seem to be any need for DS to go to the funeral but it wouldn't do him any harm either. MiL is not being particularly U in thinking of taking him ( she's trying to meet both her commitments- her childcare responsibility and paying respects to the deceased) but she IBVU by insisting on taking DS against the parents' express wishes.

stayathomer · 03/12/2018 05:59

Find people weird who do not take children of any age to a funeral. You and your husband have issues. Address them now. Really creepy when people won't allow this as a professional I can categorically say it damages children in the future. Nothing wrong with your mil and you both owe her an apology. Life and death meet your son is young as in new life not like she is going to let him use the coffin as a skate board and give the eulogy
To be honest I don't see how this is a professional opinion! Do you not think every person has different opinions and that the parents should get a chance to talk to their own children before they see/are close to something as important as death? The child is only 2and more than likely would notice nothing but what if dmil does decide to go up to pay respects at coffin or child gets upset/confused at all the sadness? I really think the issue is more though that she was going to take a child to something that should be dealt with in the immediate family

PinkCalluna · 03/12/2018 06:06

as a professional I can categorically say it damages children in the future

Personally User148 I would have greater concerns about a “professional” who states such a bald and uncompromising opinion given the very few facts the OP has given. You aren’t in a position to “categorically” state anything.

OP you are not going to damage your child by keeping them home from a funeral.

The decision is yours and your DHs.

SummerGems · 03/12/2018 06:07

It’s a funeral of an unknown person not a social occasion, visit to the shops or the post office. The OP’s dp has said he’ll take the day off work so his mum can attend the funeral and that’s that. There is absolutely no need for this child to attend the funeral or to be introduced to the concept just because the opportunity has arisen, or would everyone recommend taking children to funerals as a social experience at some point if they haven’t yet experienced one? No didn’t think so.

And *user1484424013 you’re talking bollocks.

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