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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil wants to take DS to funeral

90 replies

Gradeup · 02/12/2018 22:22

DS 2.5 at MIL and she was talking to BIL about going to a friends funeral in the week which is a day she has DS. DH luckily heard this conversation and said DS isn’t going with you so he will work from home to look after DS that day so Mil could attend. MIl starts huge argument and says she doesn’t see it being a problem taking DS they only going to church part and sit at the back. DH holds firm DS isn’t going to a funeral but mil just keeps arguing against and asking for reason why DS can’t go..

Turns out she wasn’t even going to tell us about takingDS to a funeral it’s only because we were there when a conversation happened. I stayed out and let DS handle it as there was other family members present who also stayed out and everyone kept looking at each other

OP posts:

Bluesmartiesarebest · 03/12/2018 06:18

The point is that MIL was going to take your DS without telling you and then she argued about it when she was told no. Even though she does regular childcare she has to respect your decisions as the parents even if she doesn’t agree, so YANBU.

I wouldn’t take a 2 year old to a funeral because I’m from a culture where it isn’t considered normal. I do remember going to a non religious funeral where there were small children running around at the back of the hall and it felt quite disrespectful to me. Maybe that is normal in some places?

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 03/12/2018 06:29

My two year old could have done it, but if yours is incapable of sitting still then I think your DH was right.

Faithless12 · 03/12/2018 06:44

I find it really odd why people don’t want children to experience the negative unavoidable side of life. I have had to take DS to funerals, two for very close members of family DS would have been just 3 for one of them. He sat quietly/ had to be cuddled during standing parts. Had he been a distraction I’d have taken him out.

Jaxtellerswife · 03/12/2018 06:48

What a load of mostly shut replies. You're the mum. You said no, made other arrangements and your child's father feels the same. End of.
You haven't asked MIL not to go, in fact you've made her day easier.

MsTSwift · 03/12/2018 07:00

Personally wouldn’t take children to funerals. It’s not shielding them from death I think it’s inappropriate and could be unsettling for them to see adults so upset. One of mine is particularly emotionally intelligent no way would I want her exposed to that. We weren’t taken to my grandfathers at 6,4 and 2 and I’m glad. Still remember being frightened at seeing my always jolly grandmother sobbing in the kitchen

paintinmyhairAgain · 03/12/2018 07:01

i really want to know what profession user148 is in to make that comment.
everyone has different ideas on the subject but it has to be the parents decision, not mil or anyone else to choose.

joystir59 · 03/12/2018 07:15

I wasn't taken to my granddad's funeral who died when I was 6, and I felt left out and hurt because I loved him and wanted to be included. I was hurt and damaged by my parents not sharing anything upsetting with me because I knew life was sometimes painful. Children are not stupid. They feel sadness. I think it isn't healthy to hide emotion from them. But to do so is a very English thing.

Faultymain5 · 03/12/2018 07:33

For me this is a cultural thing. To me this reaction is very British (and odd). In my experience funerals are amazing, social events, for all the family.

But the OP and her DH doesn’t. It’s fine for them to feel this way (no damage one way or another to DS I’m sure). I do however think if there are places you don’t think she should take him, then either list them or find alternative care. She (like my mother) probably thinks as it’s her time to have him she is able to make the decision and that you have undermined her authority. Unless you pay her, she probably thinks you are being ungrateful . She would be wrong. But it’s best for you both to apologise to each other.

Molakai · 03/12/2018 07:53

Faultymain5 if it was part of the family culture to regularly go to funerals then the issue wouldn't have arisen.

Mil seemingly didn't even mention the death let alone the funeral.

Making a list of places she shouldn't take ds is ridiculous. Open communication is the key and mil didn't do this.

MsTSwift · 03/12/2018 08:00

Joy I remember at the time being relieved I didn’t go to my grandfathers funeral at the same age. Everyone was so sad that was hard enough to deal with. We had a lovely afternoon with my grandparents neighbor. Just shows there is no “right” thing to do

stayathomer · 03/12/2018 22:03

Um the irish people saying its normal in Ireland? Another irish person here and I find it a bit crazy that you make it sound like a fun day out. I remember my brother screaming crying at my nanna'so funeral because everyone else was sad and my uncle sobbing hysterically and assuming he was crying cos she was gone(my brother was only a toddler he wouldn't have had a clue) . I remember a neighbour trying to force me up to the casket to see my grandad and my mum having to take me out cos I was terrified. At the wake part it's a family affair, sure, but there's a dead body in the house, and people distraught- it's hardly a party!!! And the point anyway is that she didn't discuss and ask what their stance was ie do they mind or not mind, she was going to just take the child

Faultymain5 · 03/12/2018 23:44

@Molokai. Maybe it's a cultural thing again, but after a certain time of life, the only social thing going on is funerals.

We jokingly call my dad a professional mourner. But he knows quite a few people and it's an honour for the dead to have a full funeral. My dad thinks this will be reciprocated (poor love, the dead don't care).

I think if there is anywhere you don't want your child to go, you need to be specific, cause whilst in MIL's care, she is responsible for him and sees nothing wrong in taking him. She's not a professional carer (presumably) so, she s hardly likely to assume she needs to account for any of the time that she is caring (for free?).

Blondebakingmumma · 04/12/2018 00:10

I don’t think the issue is wether or not children should attend funerals.

OP’s DH told MIL that their child wasn’t going and that should have been the end of the discussion. She clearly doesn’t respect the parents right to make decisions for their child. For whatever reason the OP and her hubby don’t feel comfortable with their child going to a stranger’s funeral and don’t want them to attend. It isn’t the MIL’s place to argue

OkPedro · 04/12/2018 02:18

stayathomer I must be reading a different thread because I've not read anyone saying it's a party!
Also your brother was screaming crying because he was a toddler and as you say "hadn't got a clue"
I don't know what point you're trying to make.

OliveSeaTurtle · 04/12/2018 03:10

It's strange that MIL wanted to take him to a funeral, I understand about showing her GS off to friends... but at a funeral? How is that fun for the little one in anyway?

The worst part is a combination of 1.) Not telling you about it and you having to find out. & 2.) Having the audacity to 'argue' about it, after your DH has made it clear that he does not approve.

Sounds like MIL is over stepping her boundaries a little, I'd get DH to politely explain that if you or your partner do not want your child to do something, it's not up for debate with other family members. Respect your wishes

Molakai · 04/12/2018 05:08

Maybe it's a cultural thing again, but after a certain time of life, the only social thing going on is funerals.
How old do you think MIL is Faultymain5 ???

She's not a professional carer (presumably) so, she s hardly likely to assume she needs to account for any of the time that she is caring (for free?).

Why on earth would lack of payment mean lack of communication?

Molakai · 04/12/2018 05:23

stayathomerI must be reading a different thread because I've not read anyone saying it's a party!

I admit she didn't use the word party OkPedro but these are Faultymain5's exact words: In my experience funerals are amazing, social events, for all the family.

Faultymain5 · 04/12/2018 07:32

Molakai, I don’t know how old MIL is, but if she has time to look after a child during a working week, I’m assuming retired (or near retirement age), so I was giving her that age group. I don’t know about anyone else’s parents, but my parents have friends younger and older than them, that they have known for years, so they go to lots of funerals.

You missed the point with regard to communication, it’s not the possibility that it is free as to why she does not think it’s a big deal enough to communicate (that’s the reason, if they don’t like her position, they should seek alternative care), it’s that she is not a professional carer she is his grandmother and their ‘family’, it takes a village and all that. The idea she needs to ask permission to take him anywhere would not occur to her. So since they have a problem it, it needed to occur to them.

Btw, when you quote me can you use context? Culturally we do things different to how the white British do it, that’s why I find the OP’s stance so weird. I do agree with a PP though, once the OP’s DH said no, that should have been the end of it, but because these boundaries had not been established, they are where they are.

My professional carer always asked me if she could take my child with her to Next. My non professional carer (DM) just took said child to Morrisons, I never even knew, but I knew she was safe in both instances. At the same time, there was one particular place my DM was informed she could not take my child, it was a non-negotiable, my DD didn’t go there.

user1471426142 · 04/12/2018 07:49

There is no way I’d take my 2 year old to a stranger’s funeral. I chose not to take her to a close relative’s funeral. I didn’t think she needed to see me crying, the casket etc. She had a lovely day with her grandparents instead. I’d have no issues bringing children to the wake but when they’re very little, I’m not convinced it’s in their best interests. I’d have a dilemma with a grandparent’s funeral and I don’t know what i’d do.

Molakai · 04/12/2018 08:34

Faultymain5 I didn't miss your point about it being a family member providing care. Communication is still vital.

The issue is that for the OP and her DH, taking a 2 year old to a stranger's funeral is not part of their cultural norm. It wouldn't occur to them to have specified "don't take ds to a funeral" because it wouldn't have occurred to them that mil would be likely to do so.

The list of exemptions would be an interesting read if they listed everywhere they didn't expect him to be taken

BookwormMe · 04/12/2018 08:38

Putting the funeral aside for a moment, I'd be asking where else she takes your DS that you don't know about and how many other wishes she overrides. I know some people will say if you ask family members to do free childcare you have to suck it up, but your MIL is showing a total disregard for your boundaries.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 04/12/2018 08:44

To clarify obviously I wouldn't randomly show up with an unexpected 2 year old to a funeral but I would assume MiL had discussed it with the family in question and they were happy for DS to attend
When I was arranging my Dad's funeral (typically Irish in that it was 4 days after his death), I was a bit too busy to have to deal with mourners ringing me to check if they could bring a random toddler with them.

bullyingadvice2017 · 04/12/2018 08:45

Go your dh. Sounds like he's got your back and a backbone to stand up to his mother. Not leaving you to try and sort it like most on here.

bullyingadvice2017 · 04/12/2018 08:45

Oh and I don't think it's appropriate at all and mine wouldn't be going at 2.5 I don't think funerals are places for little children unless they were very close

RangeRider · 04/12/2018 08:53

In my experience funerals are amazing, social events, for all the family.
Oh yes, I remember my sister's funeral. What a happy event that was, so much fun and laughter. It really was amazing. Oh no... wait...
I wouldn't have a small child there unless you knew with certainty they'd be quiet & well-behaved because otherwise it's disrespectful & can be more upsetting to those grieving. And it's the parents' choice what their child does so if they've said no then that's it. As for taking children to funerals generally (behaviour aside) - I think it varies with the child.

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