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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil wants to take DS to funeral

90 replies

Gradeup · 02/12/2018 22:22

DS 2.5 at MIL and she was talking to BIL about going to a friends funeral in the week which is a day she has DS. DH luckily heard this conversation and said DS isn’t going with you so he will work from home to look after DS that day so Mil could attend. MIl starts huge argument and says she doesn’t see it being a problem taking DS they only going to church part and sit at the back. DH holds firm DS isn’t going to a funeral but mil just keeps arguing against and asking for reason why DS can’t go..

Turns out she wasn’t even going to tell us about takingDS to a funeral it’s only because we were there when a conversation happened. I stayed out and let DS handle it as there was other family members present who also stayed out and everyone kept looking at each other

OP posts:

Faultymain5 · 04/12/2018 08:55

Molokai, communication is vital I agree, for the parents to communicate. As I said earlier funerals become a cultural norm for older people. We just celebrate lives a little more, so they're less morose.

Faultymain5 · 04/12/2018 11:23

@RangeRider I remember my sister's funeral too. Were we sad yes, but kids there actually made us feel better and yes, it was social, people we hadn't seen for ages were there. It was sad (more than sad) my sister died before she was 30 leaving an 8 year old child behind, no-one is saying that is the case, but the funeral is something more than just for the mourners, like I said, a celebration of life not just for bawling, but for reminiscing about the good times, connecting with family and friends that you may have lost touch with and yes, having a hug from a 2.5, 3 year old, that's just starting out in life.

We're all different, but I do agree, what the parents says go. Just make sure the parents says what goes.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/12/2018 12:04

I think in this case, if it's not someone the child knows, it seems like he's only going because MIL wants him to. Not because it would be any benefit to the child (saying goodbye, understanding that granddad has died etc).

I wouldn't take any child to a funeral where either me or DH weren't there to answer any questions. It's not a day trip.

My DD has been to several funerals, from a baby, through toddler years. She was very well behaved and would sit quietly in church and was no trouble. DS hasn't been to a funeral and won't until he's able to sit quietly!! I don't think he'll be scarred for life because he hasn't been to a funeral as a toddler. Of course he can go as a child when he's old enough to understand a bit more (and understand that running around screaming isn't appropriate).

Missingstreetlife · 04/12/2018 12:16

Would the child be the only one there, what about other children related to deceased or their friends? Depends on their culture too.
Doesn't matter what you think about kids and funerals, the issue is why won't she do what you ask?

Stompythedinosaur · 04/12/2018 12:29

I think it would be fine to take him, but I suppose it's up to you. It doesn't sound like your partner spoke very kindly to a relative doing regular childcare for you though!

paap1975 · 04/12/2018 12:34

In my experience, children can bring some much needed relief to a very sad occasion

MemoryOfSleep · 04/12/2018 12:36

I remember going to school on the day of my granddad's funeral. I was seven. I was mildly miffed to be missing it but categorically not damaged by it!

RibbonAurora · 04/12/2018 12:56

He's 2 1/2 - he won't have a clue what's going on, if MIL checked it was ok with the deceased's family what's the problem? She's taking him to sit at the back of a church service not to some satanic ritual involving sacrificing a goat. I think your and DH's insistence that he shouldn't go to a funeral (the horror) is what's driving MIL's reaction. How was she trying to hide it from you if she was openly discussing it with BIL in front of you?. She doesn't see the harm in it because there is no harm in it and you're making her feel like there is.

OhLemons · 04/12/2018 13:09

Your child your choice, it's as simple as that.

I'm not sure about young children and funerals though. I think it depends on the child rather than a straightforward right/wrong. My cousin took her children to a family funeral and one of them was completely traumatised, especially by the curtain coming around at the end (crematorium). He also struggled seeing his parents and other relatives so upset. Nobody thought he would find it so difficult as he had appeared to cope with the death quite well.

When his Grandfather subsequently passed away he was given the choice whether to attend the funeral and chose not to. He still wishes he hadn't gone to the first one.

Babdoc · 04/12/2018 13:10

I didn’t take my children to their dad’s funeral. The elder was two and the baby eleven months. I think it would have been awful for me trying to control my grief at the loss of my DH, in order to not upset the kids. And spending the whole service worrying if they were going to be disruptive, instead of focusing on the prayers and sermon.
I think having to lower your DH’s coffin into a grave is emotionally shocking as an adult - it would be impossible to make a two year old watch that, as she wouldn’t understand the concept of immortal souls and mortal remains, and would think we were burying daddy.

HariboLecter · 04/12/2018 13:46

I didn't go to a funeral until I was in my late 20s. I don't think it's been damaging to me!?!

OkPedro · 05/12/2018 01:22

babdoc That was an awful experience for you. So sorry for your loss. I totally agree with your decision. My ds was 1 when my dm died and I couldn't have taken care of him during her funeral.

Redyoyo · 05/12/2018 14:42

@OkPedro I said at least 12, so its not some magic number. My children have experienced close family members dying and i didnt think it was appropriate at their young age to go to the funeral, as i said its not the done thing here, i have never been to a funeral and I've been to a good few, where school aged children have attended. Good for you that going to funerals as a child never affected you, just as not going to funerals as a child didn't affect me either. Its a choice for an individual to make and whilst my children are not of an age to make that decision, i will make it for them.

LondonLassInTheNorthPole · 05/12/2018 14:45

A 2 year old shouldn't be at a funeral.

He wont understand, people will be upset, he wont want to be quiet

Very Unreasonable that she wants to take him, i would be livid if i had found out thats what she had done without even discussing it

MsTSwift · 05/12/2018 16:23

Seeing a local mothers 3 and 5 year old dds going to her funeral in their party dresses quite excited as they didn’t fully understand remains one of the saddest things I have ever seen

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