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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too harsh with 4 year old?

84 replies

NormanFuckingRockwell · 02/12/2018 21:47

For the past god knows how long, bedtime has been a nightmare. I have to lay next to her until she falls asleep which takes between 45 minutes to 2 hours each night. In that time she'll ask for drinks, say she's hungry and generally makes any excuse to talk and prolong sleeping.

At the moment I've got lots of work on and I'm running on empty. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm really struggling. Tomorrow I was going to take her out of (non-compulsory) nursery to see Santa with a friend and her dd - I've paid for it in advance and it includes a sleigh ride and all that jazz. So for the past couple of nights I've used that as a way to get dd to sleep - it hasn't worked. She's so excited about going but still acts up at bedtime.

Tonight I said if she didn't go to sleep then we wouldn't be going. I've only just managed to get her to sleep. Aibu to not take her to see Santa tomorrow? Am I being too harsh?

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 02/12/2018 21:48

Honestly; I think you are being too harsh.

Elphie54 · 02/12/2018 21:49

Too harsh.

mortifiedmama · 02/12/2018 21:50

You have to follow through.

Personally I wouldn't have given that threat, but if I had I'd follow through. Never make promises you can't or won't keep.

Ansumpasty · 02/12/2018 21:51

Hmm, I think too harsh. You know yourself, if you HAVE to fall asleep, you just can’t.

I still have to lie down with my 6 year old every single night for the same amount of time. The more I threaten and get wound up, the less likely he is too fall asleep, as he starts to get stressed.

Ansumpasty · 02/12/2018 21:51

To!*

Stormwhale · 02/12/2018 21:51

Way too harsh. You can't take that away from a 4 year old.

HappyHedgehog247 · 02/12/2018 21:52

The reason it’s too harsh is she can’t control going to sleep. What she can work on is whether she gets out of bed or not etc.

If she’s actually not sleeping is she tired enough? Is she napping or having something stimulating too late?

If she is tired but struggling with the transition, then the bedtime routine might need a shift. Good luck x

lovetherisingsun · 02/12/2018 21:52

I think in a sleep context, a bit harsh. It's not her fault as such that this is the only way she knows how to fall asleep, so punishing her for that, though I can sympathise compeltely with your frustration, isn't really fair on her. It will take gradually training to get her to learn to go to sleep on her own.

Polkadotdelight · 02/12/2018 21:53

That's too harsh. I feel your pain as my 4 year old is very similar but I would choose a different deterrent

moredoll · 02/12/2018 21:54

Way too harsh. She's only 4.
And you're punishing yourself as well which seems peculiar.

Original poster
NormanFuckingRockwell · 02/12/2018 21:55

Thanks all. You've confirmed what I already knew but I couldn't think straight as I was so frustrated. This bedtime thing is just an absolute nightmare and it's taking it's toll, I feel like I'm losing my mind with it.

OP posts:
FuckingHateRain · 02/12/2018 21:56

Not too harsh! I agree with your approach

Good luck

Babysgotyoureyes · 02/12/2018 21:56

Please don't take her visit to Santa away from her. She's only four. I know where you're coming from though as I went through similar with my daughter and had to stay with her some nights for well over an hour until she fell asleep. It's frustrating but it will run it's course.

Eatmycheese · 02/12/2018 21:56

That’s a rotten thing to do because of problems getting her to sleep.
She’s four.

And I have one of these creatures (well three and he’s the oldest) so I do understand how exasperated you will be feeling.

Worsethingshappen · 02/12/2018 21:56

Too harsh. My kids don’t settle at night when they haven’t had enough outdoor exercise (they need hours of it) or if I’ve been busy or distracted during the day and they want to catch up on comfort/contact time with me. Or when I put them to bed too early. Punishment for not falling asleep aged 4 is harsh. There will be reasons behind this and other methods of dealing with it.
But go see Santa!

EwItsAHooman · 02/12/2018 21:57

I also think you're being too harsh, not intentionally so - you've got a lot on your plate, like you said.

It sounds like bedtime has gotten needlessly complicated with the talking, drinks, lying next to her (and giving her an audience to chat to!), and so on. Could that be scaled back? Pyjamas, story, and lights out with no lying next to her? Something that worked well with my 4yo was to give him three 'get out of bed free' cards. It was suggested to us in conversation by my older son's SENCO and sounds batshit bit worked a treat. He gets three cards and he can use them to get out of bed for a drink, to tell me something, for one last cuddle, to re-brush his teeth, whatever. Any unused cards can be traded in next morning for 2p each (the kid is obsessed with 2p coins, especially the shiny ones). He started off using all his cards, then gradually started using only one or two, and now he usually doesn't use any.

Take her to see Santa and enjoy how magical Christmas is for a 4yo Flowers

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 02/12/2018 21:57

It’s too harsh because she’s not responsible for acting up before bed - you are. By tolerating the situation for so long. It should have been solved long before this sort of threat is carried out. I’m not against this sort of punishment but it has to be proportionate.

adaline · 02/12/2018 21:58

Far too harsh. You can't make someone go to sleep if they're not tired, and you can't punish them for it either!

Excited101 · 02/12/2018 21:58

You shouldn’t have threatened it... but you did so you should follow through.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 02/12/2018 21:58

Unsolicited advice: see to her needs, then leave the room. Remind her you love her. Teach her good sleeping habits. It includes being able to fall asleep by yourself in the semi-darkness.

melissasummerfield · 02/12/2018 21:59

What happens if you don't lie down with her?

Just curious ?

InMemoryOfSleep · 02/12/2018 22:01

She’s 4 - way too young to grasp what that consequence is for. If you’re going to use consequences at that age, make them immediate - as in, ‘if you throw that toy again I’ll take it away’. Has she got a solid bedtime routine? Can you try changing the it up - sitting outside the room and going back in when she calls you? Don’t let her get upset, but make it clear that mummy can’t stay as she needs to go cook dinner or whatever, and she needs to go to sleep now. So you’re not there to chat to/provide drinks etc but you’re there if she needs you.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 02/12/2018 22:01

Definitely a ridiculous threat to make, you already knew it wasn't working when you tried to use it before. She can't even control going to sleep (she can control talking, getting out of bed etc.) some kids find it more difficult than others to fall asleep and get bored when they don't fall asleep quickly and play up.

It is tough when you have a bad sleeper though - my eldest has always taken forever to drop off and needed a lot of comfort to help him fall asleep. It was stressful and took up so much of my evening.Do you have a partner who could share the load? Something that worked with me was gradually withdrawing so instead of lying down next to DS I would sit on the end of his bed. I eventually started listening to music with headphones on. This worked well as DS grew to realise I couldn't hear him chatting to me. I would also say that DS had "3 things" he could tell or ask me when we were going to sleep and once he's used them up that was it. (We had water by the bed so he didn't need to ask for a drink). Good luck OP.

Abitlost2015 · 02/12/2018 22:02

you assume if she wanted to fall asleep quickly she could. I don’t think that’s the case, she has learned this cycle of behaviour and it is you the adult the one who can break it.
Look at your behaviour and see what you could change. By that I am not saying you are doing anything h wrong. I also understand how these situations develop.
But it’s not working and it needs to change.

Threats and punishment are not the way forward.

InMemoryOfSleep · 02/12/2018 22:03

OP reading though this thread agajn, some of the responses are bloody harsh! You sound knackered and at the end of your tether, and you’re just doing your best, don’t beat yourself up about it.