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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being too harsh with 4 year old?

84 replies

NormanFuckingRockwell · 02/12/2018 21:47

For the past god knows how long, bedtime has been a nightmare. I have to lay next to her until she falls asleep which takes between 45 minutes to 2 hours each night. In that time she'll ask for drinks, say she's hungry and generally makes any excuse to talk and prolong sleeping.

At the moment I've got lots of work on and I'm running on empty. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm really struggling. Tomorrow I was going to take her out of (non-compulsory) nursery to see Santa with a friend and her dd - I've paid for it in advance and it includes a sleigh ride and all that jazz. So for the past couple of nights I've used that as a way to get dd to sleep - it hasn't worked. She's so excited about going but still acts up at bedtime.

Tonight I said if she didn't go to sleep then we wouldn't be going. I've only just managed to get her to sleep. Aibu to not take her to see Santa tomorrow? Am I being too harsh?

OP posts:

Original poster

NormanFuckingRockwell · 02/12/2018 22:03

If I don't lie down with her she'll scream blue murder and will attach herself to my neck/arms/legs. I eventually give in because it's just too much and I'm exhausted.

I get what you're all saying though. I feel like a fucking awful mother at the moment.

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 02/12/2018 22:03

Are currently doing a sticker chart and a surprise at the end of the week if she stays in her own bed all night.

Dd was getting into our bed every night. She also wants someone to sit beside her until she goes to sleep.

What's worked for me is to tell her that I have a job to do next door but will check on her in a few mins. First night check loads. Every few mins. She trusts that you're going to come back in. Then gradually make it longer between checks. Sometimes she's sleeping now first time I check. But she only gets a sticker if she stays in bed.

We're 2 weeks in and she's got a sticker every night. Fingers crossed.

cushioncuddle · 02/12/2018 22:04

It's not your daughters fault she can't sleep. It's actually your fault for not putting in a robust night routine and taught her to self sooth.
You try going to sleep when your not tired.

Dutch1e · 02/12/2018 22:05

It won't be a strong enough association to achieve what you're after. She definitely needs some work getting to sleep alone (and because you're beyond exhausted) but as you said upthread this isn't the way to go.

HippoEvans · 02/12/2018 22:06

I’d take her to see Santa and think of a different strategy

RainbowBriteRules · 02/12/2018 22:07

Can you turn things around and use the time you have to lie with her to get things done? I stay with my younger DC until they fall asleep most nights. It’s conditional on no talking. In that time I can use my phone to do online food shop, check emails, do a bit of work if I need to, make to do lists, Xmas shopping, loads of stuff. Usually I just faff on here though .

HettieBettie · 02/12/2018 22:09

Will taking the Santa trip away get her to go to sleep tomorrow night?

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 02/12/2018 22:10

Too harsh but I think you need to get stricter at bedtime!

Have a bedtime routine then leave her to it. If she screams the house down, I would ignore! It sounds like she has worked out that screaming results in her getting you to do exactly what she wants! !

Bagadverts · 02/12/2018 22:10

It sounds harsh but I'm not a parent.

I am autistic though and I would find that instruction vague (sometimes think I need things spelt out more like a younger child - not saying your DD has SEN). Have you been trying to introduce a new routine?

Did you say she had to go to sleep quickly, fall asleep without you, not get repeated drinks or just fall asleep? I understand the idea of following through on threats but she did fall asleep.

Faroutbrussel · 02/12/2018 22:11

Yes I do think you are being harsh.

Sounds very familiar to me, I used to be so frustrated. It was almost like Ds had a second wind as soon as it was bedtime. I had zero time to myself and it definitely does take its toll.

Some of the things that worked for him were audio books we both listen to for a bit and then you can leave her alone for them to finish. I also used to do relaxation exercises going through the body parts moving them and saying how tired they were, relax and let them be sleepy.

My Ds is now 6 and he has got a lot better. I still lie down with him for 1/2 an hour because I like the time with him to have a cuddle and chat but he can go to sleep on his own now. He falls asleep really quickly if he had had lots of exercise that day.

What has been different about her day when it only takes 45 mins for her to drop off - do more of that! Good luck.

Worsethingshappen · 02/12/2018 22:13

Oh I feel sorry for you now! Be kind to yourself. I’ve been in your position before too. In fact currently typing as I lie beside my “just fallen asleep” 9 year old daughter! I make stupid threats all the time. And have to admit I made a mistake. It’s not worth cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Some good advice on here (and some i’d Ignore) but you’ll get there. Have a rest, then a think and get a plan of action. Nothing lasts forever and these things aren’t irreversible. You’ll sort it.

MynameisJune · 02/12/2018 22:14

Too harsh I think, I’m not averse to these threats but not for sleep issues.

What time does she go to bed? Is she over tired and therefore wired? DD struggles if she too tired as she can’t seem to turn her mind off.

I sit with DD but she is asleep in minutes usually. If she messes about I don’t give her eye contact. She gets told ‘it’s time to sleep’ and then once more if she still persists. After that I don’t talk to her and ignore her. She knows now after one ‘it’s time to sleep’ that she isn’t getting anywhere. 99% of the time she doesn’t even bother and just goes straight off.

Can you go from laying with her to sitting on the bed, then sitting on the floor, further away etc. So a gradual retreat method?

Does her bedtime need adjusting?

Believeitornot · 02/12/2018 22:15

Hey OP it’s so hard when you’re tired and anxious with work.

I’ve been there - desperately wanted the dcs to get to sleep so I could crack on with work.

As a result I was wound up, didn’t give the dcs enough attention and surprise surprise they played up at bedtime.

I would have to remind myself every now and then to give them my whole self for that short bedtime and actually it would go much smoother. They’d get to bed as they would anyway, sometimes earlier, and I’d feel better.

It took effort though and I’d always slip up every now and then

Sadly the only way to resolve it was to stop working in my shit stressful job!

Eatmycheese · 02/12/2018 22:18

@norman you’re not an awful mother💐. Don’t beat yourself up, just take her tomorrow and try and enjoy it.
Hopefully it will wear her out 😉

MrsJonSno · 02/12/2018 22:18

I think punishing her for not going to sleep is harsh. Nobody can make themselves go to sleep. BUT it seems you aren’t doing that; she’s screaming and acting up and forcing you to sit with her whilst she is awake- that’s the issue. She’s 4, cuddle and story and bedtime and it’s time to lay on her own until she falls asleep. I’d probably not have used Santa visit but I guess you’ve tired reasoning and other smaller incentives/reward charts etc and probably said it whilst at your wits end and exhausted. You need to follow through on it now. Maybe tell her you’ll rebook and go in a week or so if she goes to bed nicely

DammitOedipus · 02/12/2018 22:18

I remember my mom struggling with this with my brother. She resolved it by sitting on the floor beside the bed, looking away from him, and facing the door. The next night, she sat closer to the door and did the same thing. The next night was in the doorway. The next night in the hall. Then on the stairs. Then down a few stairs. Then it was sorted!

Not everything will work and some kids are really difficult with sleeping. But you can do this. You are a great mum and you will help your daughter through this phase!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 02/12/2018 22:21

yes too harsh but also no point. She won't understand or learn from it, will be gutted and it will upset you too.

I massively sympathise because my DD(5) is hard work at bedtime. we have tried loads and we keep thinking we have solved it then she goes back to her old ways. If we left her she would scream and shout waking the baby, repeatedly go up and down the stairs and get herself into such a state with the crying that we would both(dh and I) be distressed ourselves and convinced there was some underlying problem. She screams and sobs and begs, it's horrible. I have no solutions but you have my sympathy!

SemperIdem · 02/12/2018 22:24

I can fully see it was born out of frustration. I wouldn’t follow through in this instance.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 02/12/2018 22:28

That's quite drastic, I hope you don't do that. Both of my two went through this phase. After the bath/bed/story/cuddles routine I tried then sitting on the floor with a book of mine, and totally not communicating. They felt happy that I was there, and eventually the need for it was gone. It's just a phase.

HauntedPencil · 02/12/2018 22:30

I think it's too harsh and I also think that you don't have to follow through every thing you ever say if you've had a think and realised you've been too harsh.

I would take her.

HauntedPencil · 02/12/2018 22:31

Honestly OP though I'm sure we've all done it at some stage or another

SoftSheen · 02/12/2018 22:32

Far too harsh. Don't do it. I understand your frustration (my nearly-4 year old took an hour to go to sleep tonight), but the threat you made was totally unreasonable.

It's a phase, it will pass.

Missingstreetlife · 02/12/2018 22:33

The more you give in the worse it will be. Pick a day for change. Story, drink, wee, clean teeth, no excuse. Say goodnight and leave the room. Don't speak again, that is the important bit. Make it really boring
Every time she gets up put her back, all night if you have to.
Talk to her about it, use incentives, star charts, new bedcover if you can afford it. Take away privileges she can work to get them back. It's a battle of wills, you have to win. Try not to get upset just be firm.

reluctantbrit · 02/12/2018 22:33

I have been in your shoes and I basically said to DD that I made a mistake giving her the ultimatum, so we draw a line and start from scratch. We went to wherever we planned to go, I took a huge step back about our issue and thought hard what the problem was actually about.

We had issues at bedtime and looked what DD needed, not what we thought she should have. It easy taking to a 4 year old about it but taking clues helped us finding ways to reduce the stress for all of us. In most cases the children do nit play up, they react on what is going on during the day, bedtime is a time where they start to process events and shutting down is not that easy for them.

With Christmas coming up I would try to minimise penalise, go with the flow, research and start with a plan afterwards, December is not a time to try something new,

It is hard, my DD is now a hormonal preteen with a whole new bucket of challenges but trying to see the issue from their view helps a lot to solve it.

reluctantbrit · 02/12/2018 22:34

Sorry for the typing, touch screen is not my friend

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