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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL to get ready with me at my wedding?

76 replies

Falalalala230 · 02/12/2018 19:44

Speaking to DP auntie today who asked me if my MIL (her sister) was getting her hair and make up done along with me, my bridesmaids, flower girls and mum...

I said that I never really thought about it. I’ve not heard of a grooms mum getting ready with the bride and we are getting married in the city we live in so not as if she wouldn’t be able to arrange it herself

She was then abit awkward with me saying I should ask her..

  1. There are 9 people getting hair done and 6 getting make up done so it will be manic
  2. She hasn’t even been excited about the wedding, never asks questions and when it’s brought up she looks extremely uninterested

Aibu to not have asked??

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 02/12/2018 19:46

Is this an Indian / part Indian or South Asian wedding? If so, then while mil wouldn’t get ready with you it can be customary to have someone on hand to help with their outfits / makeup. It doesn’t have to be a professional, just someone in your family who is good with make up!!

Hidillyho · 02/12/2018 19:48

My sisters MIl got ready with us. I don’t really see the big deal of it but obviously if you don’t want her there then don’t invite her

RoseReally · 02/12/2018 19:51

I had this, my MIL actually kept asking me about getting ready with me, I had said 'no' or avoided the question multiple times but she just didn't stop. In the end I had to get DH to be really direct with her. If we'd been getting ready in a hotel or something it would have been ok I guess, but it was my family home and I just wanted that morning to be with my family (and bridesmaids). I don't think it's the norm.

puguin86 · 02/12/2018 19:55

No YANBU!!!!

Just no !

You don't even have to explain why. It's not a thing ...

olympicsrock · 02/12/2018 19:55

Definitely not - she not part of the Brides party. She is grooms party

HariboLecter · 02/12/2018 19:57

My own mum didn't even get ready with me when I got married 😳

Notthisnotthat · 02/12/2018 19:59

I got ready in my family home with my mum, dad sister and bridesmaids. Partner stayed in our house but went to his parents house and met his bestman and ushers there and they left for the wedding from there, his mum was making bacon rolls and keeping herself busy.

lilyheather1 · 02/12/2018 19:59

Is this not the norm? Confused my MIL is getting ready with me, I never knew it wasn't normal! OP it's ultimately your day, one of few days where you can make all the decisions and nobody has a right to really question it. If you don't want her there, don't have her there Smile

Kristingle · 02/12/2018 19:59

How many hairdressers do you have to do hair for 9 people ?

greendale17 · 02/12/2018 20:02

I don’t know any brides who has their MIL get ready with them.

Tell her no. Bad idea

Original poster
Falalalala230 · 02/12/2018 20:05

I have 1 hairdresser - it’s me, 4 bridesmaids, my mum and 3 flower girls. She is an amazing hairdresser who said 9 is not a problem to do... I thought it was a lot myself for one person so I don’t want to ask her to do 10 people’s hair

DP auntie literally looked at me like I had 2 heads when I said no.. I asked her if she had her MIL get ready with her and shock, it was a no.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 02/12/2018 20:07

No. Your MIL should be with her ds, straightening his tie and fussing over him.

DexyMidnight · 02/12/2018 20:07

Hmm going against the grain here, i think if she's keen you'd be a little unreasonable not to include her.

My MIL is very sweet but we don't speak the same language and as such have never really bonded over anything other than DH. We muddle along together but that's it really.

However even though i had no personal desire to have her there on my wedding morning, it never occurred to me not to ask if she wanted her hair and makeup done (she did) so she came along. She has two boys so it wasn't like she would ever get to be part of the bridal party.

She's quite reserved / shy and i didn't want to have to play translator all morning blah blah so it was discreetly engineered that she would come early in the morning for fizz and hair/makeup and then be picked up after an hour or so and taken back to the hotel to get dressed and have photos etc with grooms side of family and so she could travel to church with my FIL (dh and his dbro and ushers got a speedboat Smile)

Anyway look do what you want and it's not the kind of thing that's going to cause a fallout either way but is it really any skin off your nose?

I don't personally subscribe to the school of thought that 'it's your wedding and you should 100% do whatever you want'. It's a special day for the wider family too.

DexyMidnight · 02/12/2018 20:13

P.s. Not trying to guilt trip you but remember what a wedding is all about - joining two families etc etc. If it could cause upset or tension it's not worth it. X

Polkapjs · 02/12/2018 20:14

I stayed at hone the night before my wedding and the husband went to his parents. I did hair in home town then drove to mum’s where we had make up and got dressed and I cannot imagine MIL being anywhere other than with groom!

ShovingLeopard · 02/12/2018 20:15

I had no idea this was a thing. Have never heard of it, usually the MIL would be with the groom's party. Is it a regional thing?

AprilSnakehole · 02/12/2018 20:19

Mine got ready with me and I included her as part of the bridal party. She spent an hour with my DH before getting ready and went down to the ceremony room before the rest of the party but I wanted her included with “the girls” as she doesn’t have a daughter and she’d never have experienced it otherwise. If she wants to and your relationship with her is good then perhaps include her?

Nifflerbowtruckle · 02/12/2018 20:19

My MIL was supposed to be getting her make up done with me, my sister and my mum by a professional. She actually ended up in A&E with FIL who was blue lighted in that morning! However even though she was getting her make up done with me she was only going to be there for an hour at most. My husband spent the morning with his brother rather than the full family.

Original poster
Falalalala230 · 02/12/2018 20:20

Dexymidnight - I do agree with a lot of your points, and I know it’s not worth falling out about but I think it’s the fact MIL hasn’t been supportive of the wedding. It’s not as if we haven’t been together long, we have been together 8 years and have 2 children.

It’s definetely not a regional thing where I’m from, I’ve mentioned it to my bridesmaids and they are pretty confused by it and think it’s abit cheeky

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/12/2018 20:21

I think it depends on the MIL - I loved mine, and would have been more than happy to have had her get ready with us - but if you aren’t close to your future MIL, it would be very odd, to say the least.

I do wonder whether your MIL even knows your aunt was planning to ask you this - it seems like an odd for your MIL to ask this via her sister, if she really does want to get ready with you.

Caffeineismydrug35 · 02/12/2018 20:22

I adore my MIL put I wouldn’t have wanted her at mine getting ready. She was fussing over DH, I thought that was the norm. If it means that much to your DP maybe compromise and have her there for a little bit and then arrange for her to be picked up.

Strawberry2017 · 02/12/2018 20:22

Its not something I've heard off and I suppose it would depend on your relationship.
If you were super close I could understand but if not then I feel it would be super awkward.
I personally wouldn't chose to and tbh it's none of the aunties business.
Good luck with your wedding. X

SaucyJack · 02/12/2018 20:23

Is she planning to travel with you to the church/registry office as well?

She’d be more use at the venue, welcoming and organising all the relatives. That’s what all the mothers of the bride and groom have done at recent weddings I’ve been to.

Has she got FOMO?

dontcallmelen · 02/12/2018 20:23

Not something I have heard off either, usually the groom would get ready with own family, my dd stayed with us the night before & bridesmaids myself & dd all got ready here, with make up artist etc sorting us out then a few photos of us all before the ceremony.

ID81241 · 02/12/2018 20:23

Traditionally, no. Normally the groom's mother should be with him in the morning, fussing over her son. And even so, if you don't want her there no reason to invite her. I only had the bridal party at mine in the morning (so the bridesmaids and my mum).