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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL to get ready with me at my wedding?

76 replies

Falalalala230 · 02/12/2018 19:44

Speaking to DP auntie today who asked me if my MIL (her sister) was getting her hair and make up done along with me, my bridesmaids, flower girls and mum...

I said that I never really thought about it. I’ve not heard of a grooms mum getting ready with the bride and we are getting married in the city we live in so not as if she wouldn’t be able to arrange it herself

She was then abit awkward with me saying I should ask her..

  1. There are 9 people getting hair done and 6 getting make up done so it will be manic
  2. She hasn’t even been excited about the wedding, never asks questions and when it’s brought up she looks extremely uninterested

Aibu to not have asked??

OP posts:
Laiste · 02/12/2018 20:23

It wouldn't cross my mind in a million years to have my MIL with me while getting ready! Confused

The groom's mother is in the groom's wedding party and should be in his 'camp'. It's part of the fun - the two camps travel separately and meet at the venue - symbolically coming together.

Also I thought only the bride and the bridesmaids (and maybe the mother of the bride) were meant to see the dress before the big reveal at the venue?

Twickerhun · 02/12/2018 20:24

My sister had her mil get ready with the brides party. I didn’t have my mil get ready with me. I think it’s down to individual relationships and preferences.

DexyMidnight · 02/12/2018 20:27

I sympathise MIL was phenomenally underwhelmed by the wedding, had no preferences / opinions / ideas... We didnt even get an engagement card from PIL which i was cross/upset by but DH assures me its just cultural. (now i see many of dh's cousins have the simplest of simple registry weddings with literally onlyntheir parents present i am starting to believe him Wink)

So yes her response has been underwhelming but if she fancies getting in on the excitement on the actual day personally I'd just let her.

If the hair and make up side of it is logistically impossible just explain that to her ("delighted to have you but the hair lady is already at 120%..."). And maybe she'll just want to come for fizz and a few photos. I'd give her the option

Kay2705 · 02/12/2018 20:29

YANBU. Even my mum didn't get ready with me. I didn't need all that stress on that morning

AlexaAmbidextra · 02/12/2018 20:31

Goodness, what a carry on weddings are these days. On my wedding day in 1974 both my mum and me went to our individual hairdressers, got back and did our own make up in our respective bedrooms and then she zipped me into my dress. I had one six year old flower girl so no hairdresser or make-up needed for her. Life was so simple back in the day. 😄

KickAssAngel · 02/12/2018 20:32

Where's her son getting ready? Won't she want to be with him? My DH stayed in a hotel with his parents while I was at my Mum's, then his parents drove him to the church.

HollowTalk · 02/12/2018 20:35

Look, she's not even interested and your partner's aunt is creating a problem that doesn't exist. Just have your partner say, "Oh no, mum, I'll want you with me then" and leave well alone.

Alpacanorange · 02/12/2018 20:40

Do nothing, your mil’s sis should keep her nose out. If your mil asks you at least you will have had time to prepare your reply. Finally, who gives a shit about tradition, do what you want.

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2018 20:45

It’s pretty cheeky of the sister if it never crossed her mind to ask her own mil. I wouldn’t have asked mine, it was my mum and bridesmaids bustling around getting hair and make up and brunch etc. It would have changed the dynamic and I’d have said no.

PanamaPattie · 02/12/2018 20:47

I didn't join DIL on her wedding day to get ready. DH and I got ready in our hotel room. I had my own hairdresser and make up artist. We drank champagne and had a lovely time. I first saw my beautiful DIL walking down to aisle to my tearful DS. A magical moment.

DerelictWreck · 02/12/2018 20:48

I know this isn't the point of the thread, but I don't see how even an excellent hairdresser is going to 9 people's hair alone!

Even if they only spend 15 minutes per person, they're going to need to start over 2 hours before you need to leave for the ceremony - whoever is first will have started dropping by then!

We had a team of two hairdressers and two make-ups to do 5 of us properly plus some cute touches on flower girls etc and it still took hours. Just a warning OP

Cranky17 · 02/12/2018 20:50

She just wants to be included, spread a little love, might be you one day

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 02/12/2018 20:50

Perhaps she thinks you’re going to be paying for her hair and makeup?

tryinganewname · 02/12/2018 20:51

It's completely up to you. If she hasn't said anything herself though then I wouldn't think anymore about it.

I got married in a hotel and stayed over the night before, MIL came to the in-house hairdressers with me and helped me get into my dress, couldn't have done it without her.

tillytoodles1 · 02/12/2018 20:56

I had my hair and makeup done with my daughter, her MIL to be and the bridesmaids. We left straight afterwards and let the girls have some time together.

PeridotCricket · 02/12/2018 20:58

My dss fiancée had me and her future MIL get ready with her....it was nice.

mirren3 · 02/12/2018 21:30

My DS is getting married in January and DIL to be is insisting I join her, her DM and the bridesmaids to get ready.
I've got my mobile hairdresser coming to the house and then I'm going to spend time with my son and his brother, the best man.
I've said no I don't know how many times, but she's still expecting me to turn up. She's in for a long wait, as I'll be doing what my DS wants.

Ceilingrose · 02/12/2018 21:49

Say no. And start as you mean to go on: if other people are awkward or exude disapproval just because you don't give them what they want, ignore it. Otherwise it encourages poor behaviour and you'll then get plenty more of it.

It's your wedding; have what you want. And anyway it isn't usually done, it it? It would probably annoy me if my daughter was getting married and her MIL shoved her way in to our last morning at "home".

MidniteScribbler · 03/12/2018 07:42

I think it depends on the relationship. I don't think it's a bad thing to happen, and in certain circumstances, it could be a lovely thing to do.

0lgaDaPolga · 03/12/2018 07:50

Yanbu. My mil wanted to get ready with me and I said no. She had caused nothing but stress in the run up to the wedding with demands and ultimatums and I didn’t want her negative atmosphere around me when I was getting ready. I don’t know anyone who had their mil with them in the morning getting ready. She’s not part of the bridal party.

0lgaDaPolga · 03/12/2018 08:00

Although having said that my sil had my mum (her mil) with us in the morning but they have a good relationship and my mum is like a second mum to her so I guess it really depends on the relationship you have. If yours hasn’t been remotely interested in the wedding so far I don’t see why she would expect to be there

mummmy2017 · 03/12/2018 08:03

Tell your husband to be he needs to do something on the wedding morning with his mum, family.
Tell your MIL that since you are marrying into her family you just want your mum and family. That it is traditionally this way and you hope she can understand this.

ConkerGame · 03/12/2018 08:09

I’ve been a bridesmaid 4 times and the MIL only got ready with us on one of those occasions. That was because she was divorced and her daughter (the bride’s SIL) was a bridesmaid, so she wouldn’t have had anyone else to get ready with otherwise. (Plus the groom was busy all morning with the ushers getting stuff ready at the venue - he wouldn’t have wanted his mum “fussing” over him all morning!)

ExFury · 03/12/2018 08:09

I don’t think she should necessarily be with you, though it might be nice for her, but please do remember it’s also her child’s wedding.

My brother got married very recently. MOB had her hair and make up paid for her. Travelled in a lovely car with the bridesmaids. Had a beautiful corsage for her bag. Was wearing a lovely necklace similar to the bridesmaids that she was gifted in the morning (fob was gifted a pocket watch). She and my mum were given the traditional ‘mums gift at the reception’. And my mum shared a taxi with me. It wasn’t nastiness, it just totally didn’t occur to the bride and groom to consider treating her remotely the same. My brother is now very upset by his own thoughtlessness.

ToffeePennie · 03/12/2018 08:12

Oh gosh no!
The night before my wedding I stayed at the venue (as it’s a good hours drive from my home) I didn’t have use of the bridal suite as another girl had gotten married that night, so instead myself, my two bridesmaids, my flower girl, her mum, my mums best friend/second mother to me and my friend all stayed in two family suites. When it came time to get ready it was just us, we opened the internal doors to the suites so it became one huge room, the staff shoved the beds against the walls and we did each other’s hair and make up (no I didn’t care what I looked like - I just wanted a bit of slap to stop me looking so pale)
My mother in law got ready with sil and the “boys” at my house - my dad, brother and the best man and our nephew were all there. Mother in law hates make up as much as I do, and she had her hair done by her travelling hairdresser so there were no issues.
Later on that morning, my Aunty and nan arrived and they got ready in my suites because of the travelling they’d done but no you don’t have to provide space for her at all.