DSD pretending to be mum...

[Laci]

Not sure how to deal with this, or whether I need to deal with this at all...

I have a 6 week old baby. 7 year old DSD.

DSD is lovely and very, very clingy to her baby brother. She wants to hold him all the time (very helpful when I want to make a cuppa!) and I'm happy to leave him with her on the sofa for 2 minutes whilst I make a brew (the lounge is attached to the kitchen so she can shout to me if she has a problem).

The thing that is a bit odd to me is that when I'm out of the room, I can hear her saying 'I'm your mummy' and 'mummy is here' etc as if she is mum.

I didn't say anything to her. Should I just let her get on with this little mum fantasy? Or is it a bit odd and should I tell her to stop?

I'm a bit hormonal and know how ridiculous it is to be upset by a 7 year old pretending to be mummy but it just made me feel a bit... weird!

WWYD?

@TheGoatSaysHello x post. Exactly.

OP have you spoken to your HV about how you're feeling? Sounds like you could have PND to me. Don't let this thread get to you love, lots of posters have been understanding and kind, hope you feel less fragile soon.

I remember when my DD1 was a newborn and her cousin constantly wanted to hold and play mummies, I remember that overwhelming feeling but people are right it's just the horrible hormones at play.

If you think baby is safe with your 7 year old DSD then I'm sure baby is safe! I know at 7 I was always happy to sit on the sofa and hold my baby sister while mum put a load in the washing machine or made a cuppa! Some 7 year olds are very still and sensible.

I'm pregnant now with DD2 and DD1 will be about 2.5 when she's born. I'm dreading the awful hormones that come after birth!!

We've all been there and your doing great OP! The hormones will fade in time and everything will just be normal!

Also, you never know who you are talking to, or what their history is.

This is NOT a drip feed. I'm just saying my piece. I'm 27 years old. This is my second baby. My first I gave birth to at 24 weeks and she passed away when she was 1 week old. I've had 5 miscarriages. I am the main carer for DSD at the moment as my DH is working all hours under the sun so I can have as much maternity leave as possible. I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder which had worsened since having a baby. I grew up in an abusive household and never knew what it was like to have a mother who was kind. I'm overprotective of my baby for this reason, I think. I've just had to stop seeing my amazing counsellor as we can't afford it anymore. I've just got out of hospital as I had a postpartum infection which has reoccurred, twice! Antibiotics not working long term so hopefully it won't come back. I'm tired, and trying to deal with this all in my head. Whilst also caring for a baby who is up all night every night. I'm exhausted, and I could be the person at the end of those nasty comments that are entirely unnecessary. I'm so down and vulnerable at the moment and it pains me to see people acting like bullies online towards people who have issues which may seem trivial, but could stem from trauma or other underlying issues.

Tell me I'm being dramatic or ridiculous but don't tell me I'm wrong...

She's just a small child, she's playing pretend and just wants to copy what her mummy is doing!

I simply can’t see any nasty posts op.

I am really sorry. I’m not trying to be obtuse. But in the absence of any other posts it seems my face is the one getting all the outrage and I really don’t think that it is justified.

No harm in it, quite natural. I think it is really sweet.

Many congratulations to you .

I don’t know if it’s the same everywhere but councilling is free and very easy to access via the gp where I live. Try the gp for a referral. Normally CBT is offered but you can have talking therapy too

Ok so I'm being really stupid then. I'm just a bit fragile at the moment and finding my hormones and motherhood a bit overwhelming. Upset over stupid things etc.

Hormonal yes, stupid no.

I don't know how long you have been in DSD's life but you have just had a brand new baby, and I can see the tension between all the angst associated with a PFB and already caring for another child you didn't know as a baby.

I'm sure you're doing a great job and it's ok to want to check things. And yes it's unpleasant when people jump on you straight away. We were all a bit mental over cautious in the early days, and most people dealing with their first newborn only have that baby to care for.

Hi Laci

If you can't afford your private counsellor anymore it might be an idea to access IAPT or similar through your GP (or possible self referral).. Most areas have an IAPT now. Your HV will be able to direct you to local MH post natal services and also give you listening visits if you wanted them.

Big hugs xx

Tell me I'm being dramatic or ridiculous but don't tell me I'm wrong...

Our responses when we have a new baby are often extremely protective, for very good biological reasons (the babies without protective parents often didn’t live to reproduce). So I don’t think you’re being dramatic OR ridiculous. Even without all the other parts of your story including the loss of your first child

You’re doing fine. Do you think you might have PND? It might be worth having a chat with your HV.

I'm sorry you've been through so much OP and now you've explained what's happened in the past it's clear why you feel the way you do. It would have probably been helpful to post what's happened in your OP so posters could have understood where you're at though and I doubt then you would have had the and a few posters not being very kind.

I'd hide this thread now OP

You’re doing great. Your stepchild’s behaviour is typical for a normal childhood; she is modelling your good parenting. The sleep deprivation and initial breastfeeding is awful and I fully sympathise. When baby settles into more of a routine, you will feel slightly better. But the mommy sleep fog doesn’t really wear off until they manage to sleep through the night. x

It's sweet and is a lovely big sister.

But be careful - she's only 7 and doesn't know what/how to manage a baby. Specially around food, things she could put in her mouth etc.

I would have a gentle chat with her and make sure she understands how fragile the lo is. But even then be careful. Kids can be funny and do things even if they have been explained why not to.

So don't really get into the habit of leaving them together unsupervised - if something should happen she (dsd) would never forgive herself. it's too big a responsibility on her little head.

My 8yo did the same when my baby was born. I just corrected her and said 'no you're the best big sister ever, he needs a mummy and a sister and I'm too old to be his sister!' I just wanted to nip it in the bud and make her feel more comfortable about HER role in his life. It's a massive change for all of you, but lovely shes enjoying being so involved, sounds like you're doing it right!

It shouldn't need saying though, GreatDuck, this is a new mum, whatever the circumstances or backstory. A new mum. Feeling vulnerable. Ought to be somewhat 'protected' a bit on this site in my view.

If she's playing mummies and babies, perhaps she can do some tidying while the baby is sleeping.

I agree with you Lying but unfortunately not everybody has the same mindset where AIBU is concerned, some posters don't really digest what's been written by someone in a vulnerable position and just reply as they would anyone else, which isn't right obviously but that's how some posters are.

You are worried she might try to feed your baby? I think a 7 year old might struggle the breastfeed. Chillout she's just pretending. If she was doing something dangerous when you left the room, I can't really think of an example, you would be right to be worried, but cuddling and saying "mummy is here" leave her to it. It's nice she loves her brother so much, rather than being jealous.

My two year old whipped her baby brothers nappy off and was in the process of putting a new one on him when I noticed.

Just set the boundaries for what she is and isn't allowed to do for the baby and then enjoy the help.

it really wasn’t the campaign of bullying it’s being made out to be you know!

No, but your first reflex was to pull a disapproving face at someone in a very difficult phase of their life. Not really necessary.

And I’m sorry for that if it caused distress to the op but I do think I am being maligned a tad!

Exactly!!! You never know what somebody is going through, and the instant abuse they receive from posting on here is unacceptable!

But it's so hard to go against them! As soon as one starts, loads all agree. It is bullying. Somebody could be on the verge on a breakdown..you just don't know!

I think it's time, we started defending the ops that do get abuse

Different families have different ideas on what is acceptable. You can see a range of different approaches in the answers to this thread.

Some families have a lot of play-acting allowed in them, and it can be a good way to let a small child practice for real life.

Others prefer children to be more realistic and stay within their real life role. They will find fun in other ways.

It doesn't really matter which you choose - you will be shaping out your family the way you want it to be.

Given your history, it is not surprising that you tend to be anxious at the moment.

The main thing is to keep everyone safe and enjoy being together, however you express that.

Give it a rest can't you, continuallychargingmyphone, nobody's interested and you keep chipping in with justifications where there aren't any. The thread's not about you.