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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the hell I have done to deserve this

102 replies

Shitshitshitshit · 01/12/2018 17:41

Going through my 6th miscarriage. SIXTH.

What the fuck have I done to deserve such a shitty hand? Why is God doing this to me. I am not a horrible person. I am kind, I don't hurt anyone. I don't deserve this.

This is breaking me and I don't want to keep going. I want to give up. On life in general.

I hate myself and my stupid failing body. I want to be someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitshitshitshit · 01/12/2018 21:56

AnneLovesGilbert it's so true everything you say. Feeling like DH can't possibly be as distraught as me because he has children already. I'm convinced he wouldn't really be as bothered if we never had children because he's been there and done that. It isn't fair and he is constantly telling me that's not true. For him I think it hurts him more seeing me the way I am. I've lost a lot of weight recently and have a horrible rash through stress. It distresses him seeing me like this I know.

It's so so hard because I feel like all I need to make me better is what I can't seem to have.

Thank you all so so much for replying Flowers I am drinking wine and having a bloody fag. I've not smoked in years but fuck it I want one tonight.

OP posts:
RedPandaFluff · 01/12/2018 22:07

I'm sorry to read you're in so much pain, @Shitshitshitshit. Our situations are very different but what you're saying about hating your body rings true for me - I absolutely hate myself right now, as I've just had another failed round of IVF. That's six embryos my treacherous womb has managed to extinguish. That's on top of a miscarriage and at least three chemical pregnancies. I have no eggs so donor egg IVF was supposed to be my answer - turns out it's not.

All I can say to you is, if I had the chance to try over and over again - to keep doing IVF until it worked - then I would. But we can't afford to. Please try to find the strength to keep going - you've had more than your share of bad luck, but one day, there is a chance you could finally hold your baby in your arms and it will be all worth it. Rest over Christmas, try to give your body a break (as hard as it is to "waste" time) and start again x

CJsGoldfish · 01/12/2018 22:23

I'm so sorry. I have a balanced translocation as well and remember feeling pretty much everything you're feeling. I have NO idea how I got through those years when I was full of nothing but bitterness and the compulsion to keep going no matter what. All I can say is that I understand Flowers

Original poster
Shitshitshitshit · 02/12/2018 00:13

RedPandaFluff I'm so so sorry to hear you're going through that. I don't understand how life can be so cruel. Flowers

I'm really struggling to understand how people can believe in God, if he's real I feel like he's abandoned me completely.

CJsGoldfish thank you x can I ask, what happened in the end for you? All I keep being told is 'you have proof your translocation doesn't mean you can't have children because you're here etc etc..' but it doesn't seem to help the hopelessness I feel though I suppose it should.

I can't mentally picture myself with a child. I can't see myself as a mother. It's scary.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 02/12/2018 00:21

This is so sad for you. I hadn't heard of the condition before but just looked it up.

Having so many miscarriages is not doing your health any good, op.
Do try and take care of yourself and enjoy what you have in the here and now, easier said than done sometimes.
Flowers

CJsGoldfish · 02/12/2018 00:46

In all I had 9 m/c between 10 and 16 weeks. There were probably a lot more lost very early but I just didn't 'go there' at the time.
I had my first after 6 m/c then another m/c and had my second. No 3 was unplanned but very much welcome and came very close to no.2. There were 2 more m/c and then no.4.
I'm not sure how much that helps because I honestly don't think it would have helped me at the time. Having my first child made every single minute of the years before worth it. I'm not sure what changed but there were much fewer m/cs after she was born. I do tend to think my emotional state helped somewhat.
I have the guilt of having passed this on to 2 of my children and this thread has given me a kick up the arse to have a difficult conversation with the eldest who has it. My children don't have any idea what I went through to have them so to tell him and let him know what his future may hold is SOOO hard.

If anything, I just wanted you to know that I do understand. That my telling you there IS hope is coming from a place where I really do know there is. I also understand the hopelessness. And I wish you nothing but the very very best.

Tjzmummabear · 02/12/2018 00:55

Don't apologise. You're going thru hell. Things will look up x

PigletTiggerEeyoreAndRoo · 02/12/2018 01:12
Flowers
winterhappiness · 02/12/2018 03:27

@Shitshitshitshit i just wanted to say I'm so so sorry for you Thanks and you are so brave.

Just to add my experience, I've recently had to come to terms with the realization that DH and I will need pre-implantation genetic testing / IVF in order to be able to conceive healthy children (DH has a genetic disorder that can be passed on to our children). So we are grieving at the moment that we will never be able to conceive naturally without risks. It's shit. And my DH sometimes doesn't want to talk about it. He feels like he is letting me down. But I push the conversation on him sometimes , and we have heart to hearts, and with each conversation, it's helping us to come to terms with it more and more.

I know you say you don't want to let him know how much you are hurting , for fear of him wanting to take a break / give you a break from it all. And I get it. But as long as you are comfortable enough to talk to him even a little bit about it, and be completely open about how you don't want to take a break, I'm sure you two can move forward together in this journey Thanks

I'm so sorry for your struggles , and I wish you all the best !

TheMaddHugger · 02/12/2018 05:46

(((((Soft Hugs)))))) OP (((((Soft Hugs))))))🌸

TheMaddHugger · 02/12/2018 05:50

((((((((Huge Hugs))))))) All 💐🌻💐

FrangipaniBlue · 02/12/2018 06:11

Ah OP it's so sad 😞

I had 5 miscarriages over 4yrs, DS was our last attempt because I felt exactly like you - just broken and I couldn't do it any more.

I also remember the rage - I hated everyone, and constantly just wanted to scream at people for any and every little thing.

How you're feeling is perfectly normal Thanks

FrangipaniBlue · 02/12/2018 06:20

I'm really struggling to understand how people can believe in God, if he's real I feel like he's abandoned me completely.

very much this.

I lost my mum around the same time as my third mc and I remember sitting on my bathroom floor screaming at God asking why he was doing this to me.

Go somewhere and let it out if you need to OP

xx

Nat6999 · 02/12/2018 07:22

I had 2 miscarriages before DS & lots afterwards, I was referred to Rheumatology as I was suffering from painful joints, blood tests found I had sticky blood, high levels of inflammation & was positive for the lupus factor, high anti nuclear cells but not enough positive symptoms to have lupus. I never carried another pregnancy to term but I was recommended to take aspirin & high dose pregnancy vitamins, the aspirin reduces the clotting factor which can cause miscarriage. Don't give up, ask for a referral & for a full range of blood tests including ESR, CRP, vitamin & iron levels, consider taking baby aspirin to lower your clotting levels & a good pregnancy vitamin & iron supplement while you are waiting.

smerlin · 02/12/2018 07:42

You may really not want to do this so apologies if this is out of place but there are companies in London (and doubtless elsewhere) who do sensible finance packages for IVF if you have to go private /NHS mess up/refuse. A close friend works for one and it is legit.

Hiphopopotamous · 02/12/2018 08:23

Would it be worth getting referred to a different genetic service locally? PIGD sounds like a good option but with all these things it is a postcode lottery. We live between 2 hospitals and can choose which one to go to.

I know it's not any consolation but when tough things happen to us, my DH says it happens to us because we are strong enough to cope with it and some other people might not be.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 02/12/2018 08:29

So sorry to hear that OP. I really hope it happens for you xx

Original poster
Shitshitshitshit · 02/12/2018 10:04

Thank you all Flowers

I would 100% be happy to go with IVF with PGD. It's just affording it. My DH does have his own business which is doing very well at the moment so it may be something we could do in the future but not right now. It would likely mean waiting years which I know is better than some people get but the thought of going through this for even another week never mind years just eats away at me. If I don't find a way to cope properly I'll probably be half way to dead by then.

My lovely father has said if it came to that being my only choice he will pay for as much as it takes but I'd feel incredibly guilty taking his savings in that way. He's worked so hard his entire life to be comfortable the way he is. I'd hate for him to give it away to me though he doesn't see it that way.

It's just so hard, I don't know what to do.

I'm in pain this morning with very heavy bleeding. DH has to work away for three days so I'm alone with the dog Sad

OP posts:
ichifanny · 02/12/2018 10:10

We had 5 miscarriages and attended the recurrent miscarriage clinic it was devastating and nearly broke me but strangely I carried last 3 babies to term , keep going and take all the support offered .

Twinningsloverbutnotanymore · 02/12/2018 10:16

I know it's not much but I was ready a story on Gabrielle Union, she had 9 miscarriages before 10th time she finally had they baby. It might help to read that others go through the same issue.
Your husband loves you or else he would have stopped and told you no but he wants to continue trying and be there. It's a horrible situation but you can not punish yourself.

Original poster
Shitshitshitshit · 02/12/2018 10:20

It really does help massively to hear other people going through similar and finally reaching their goal. It gives me a little hope that even after this many I'm not a completely hopeless case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitshitshitshit · 02/12/2018 10:54

CJsGoldfish thanks so much for sharing that. Sorry if it's difficult to talk about but it really does help to hear someone who's been through the exact same condition and come out the other side. I feel like everything would be okay if I could just have that one baby. That's all I want, just one and then I can relax and be better and back to myself.

Maybe I am being naive but that's why I don't want to take a break. Because I feel like the only thing that will heal me is having a child so I just need to keep going as quickly as possible before I break completely.

I am 'fortunate' in that I am still on the younger side when it comes to conceiving. I am in my twenties and the Drs seem to enjoy reminding me that I have 'years left to try'. I don't want to go through this for years, I don't want to spend my 20/30s in mental turmoil. I just need my baby so I can get my life back. I feel so desperate Sad

OP posts:
barbarabarnacle · 02/12/2018 11:05

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I won't pretend that I understand what you're feeling, or what you've been through.

I will agree with what some others have said - each pregnancy takes a big toll on your body, physically and emotionally. I appreciate the temptation - maybe, desperation - to try to get pregnant very soon after yet another loss, but it might be better to give your body time to heal. Just a couple of months. Your body needs to be strong to make it through a pregnancy. Spend some time really looking after yourself and putting yourself first.

Original poster
Shitshitshitshit · 02/12/2018 11:09

barbarabarnacle I don't really know how to put myself first. My mind is constantly on this and I can't switch it off. I wish I could just jet off on a nice holiday to relax but we can't. I have to go to work everyday like everyone else and DH has his business to run. I don't know how to put myself first or what to do to make myself feel better.

OP posts:
Mouseville65 · 02/12/2018 11:18

I'm reading a book at the moment called 'your souls gift' which talks about miscarriage as a gift to a new soul wanting a short 'human' experience to gain strength for a future full life.

I havnt experienced a miscarriage so I don't want to pretend like I have a single clue how heartbreaking it must be but I shared the book with a friend and she said it helped her to 'not feel like her body was useless' she did say it was difficult to read in places so perhaps if you do consider reading it heal a little first or do some research to make sure your comfortable with it.

I'm so sorry for your loss and pain op but believe me your life is valuable and nobody would be better of without you here 💐