Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the hell I have done to deserve this

102 replies

Shitshitshitshit · 01/12/2018 17:41

Going through my 6th miscarriage. SIXTH.

What the fuck have I done to deserve such a shitty hand? Why is God doing this to me. I am not a horrible person. I am kind, I don't hurt anyone. I don't deserve this.

This is breaking me and I don't want to keep going. I want to give up. On life in general.

I hate myself and my stupid failing body. I want to be someone else.

OP posts:
WoofWoofMooWoof · 01/12/2018 19:25

Oh OP, a post like yours makes me wish I could just reach out and give you a hug. I can't, all I can give you is this: Flowers.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/12/2018 19:35

I ovulate irregularly, but I did also have some very early miscarriages, so now I think that the BT was more of a problem than me not ovulating very often. And I'm not convinced that the stress of not having a successful pregnancy was unrelated to the ovulation problem- the one time I got pregnant without any help was when I had a terrible shock and could think of nothing else for a few weeks.

I found that there was no support at all and although we were offered genetic counselling, it was very much with a view that we may decide to have no further children (this was never going to happen!). My GP didn't seem to know much about it at all, although he was very kind.

Beeziekn33ze · 01/12/2018 19:43

Thinking of you and wishing you well 💐

StillNumb · 01/12/2018 19:44

I am very sorry to hear that you are going through such a dreadful time. I had a MC and ectopic pregnancy before my DD, plus a long time of not being able to conceive. Keep the faith - I am listening to Craig Charles at the moment, a Northern Soul thing. I hope it's going to happen for you soon xx

BonnieandHyde · 01/12/2018 19:57

Have they checked your killer cell levels? If not I think it's around £580 to have the test private. The treatment is very simple if it's also an issue along with the translocation.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/12/2018 19:58

I'm so sorry. Flowers

I've jhad six miscarriages as well, interspersed with three children. (We saw a geneticist after mc no. 5 (2 dc at that point) and I think she was surprised when both our karyotypes came back normal as the implication was we were a textbook case for a BT, esp because mc no. 5 had been down to a rareish chromosomal issue. Two clotting factors were found in me and we evetually had dd on heparin, but two mc before that had happened on heparin too and I'd had my dses without,. so we'll never really know why. It's grim. I think I would recommend making sure all other factors (e.g. clotting) have been checked out just in case there is also an added complication.

Why don't you meet the criteria for IVF? I would have thought PID would be a good way forward for you. Is it because your dh has children?

You have done nothing to deserve this. Biology (to avoid that loaded word 'nature' - God, I hated it when people told me 'Mother Nature knew what she was doing' Angry ) can be wantonly cruel. Much love.

Original poster
Shitshitshitshit · 01/12/2018 20:01

Why don't you meet the criteria for IVF? I would have thought PID would be a good way forward for you. Is it because your dh has children?

Yes, it's because DH has children who are with us 50% of the time. As if that somehow gives me the opportunity to be a mother. They don't need or want me to be a mother, they have one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitshitshitshit · 01/12/2018 20:02

I'm sorry that you've been through this too Flowers

I think I'm going to beg/plead/demand the hospital do every other test known to man to see if anything else could be a factor.

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 01/12/2018 20:10

This is one of the many reasons I love MN, because it's anonymous we talk here about stuff that in my real life only about four other people know. If all my babies had made it I would be a mother of five not two. One of my sisters would be a mother of three not one. Another would be a mother of four not two. And we'd be part of a family of 10 siblings, not four as we actually are. So often we only see our friends and family as having 'perfect' lives and envy them, but in private very very often there have been all sorts of trials that they haven't shared.

Do please contact miscarriage support as mentioned up thread, it really does sound like you're near the edge.

UbiquitousDust · 01/12/2018 20:10

I'm sorry. X

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/12/2018 20:19

It's incredibly unfair. I can see that, for those allotting scarce resources, it appears to make sense on paper, but it's the very definition of a bureaucratic decision without regard for its impact on individuals and their lives. Flowers

Definitely get any other stuff ruled out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2018 20:23

Woe is you right now love, stop beating yourself up for perfectly normal reactions to spectacularly shitty and unfair circumstances. You’re a fucking trooper for getting up every morning and keeping going, wailing on yourself isn’t doing you any good.

Step parenting when you’re going through this is an added pain and I do so completely empathise with you. I adore my DSC and they bring me a huge amount of joy but I remember when I had a mmc at 12 weeks and honestly thought my heart was broken forever - we’d been planning to tell them the following day I was pregnant and instead I was trying to survive medical management and keep from bawling while plating hair and playing Lego in between naps - my DH said something like “i can’t believe we’ve lost our baby but you can share mine”. I know he meant it kindly and he’s the sweetest man alive, but bloody hell, it completely stunned me and I was so shocked I didn’t even reply. I’m a very good, thoughtful, committed, engaged, supportive, loving stepmum and I wouldn’t change them for the world. But I want my own baby! They’re mine in that I love them like my own and would do anything for them, but they’re not actually mine and this whole bastard last few years has been about adding to our family with a baby that’s both of ours!

I have to admit there have been times when I thought it was much worse for me because he’s already a dad and that with or without my pregnancies ever coming up anything he’s a parent right now. But it wasn’t fair at all and I’ve spoken to so many people who’ve had losses after having healthy children, there are plenty on this thread too, whose pain has been the same whether or not they’re already parents. Try not to go there, though I know it’s hard. His grief is different to yours but not less and the loss of the hopes and dreams you share. He’s right to be worried about you too. Your body has been through so much. Every pregnancy is exhausting. Every miscarriage is heartbreaking and completely draining. You do need to be honest with him and explain where your head is at while letting him know you feel able to keep trying. He’s not going to turn around and say you’re nuts let’s stop. If he said you both need a couple of months off he might have a point. My break was imposed on us because we did everything the same and it just didn’t happen for a very long 13 months and I then conceived three times this year once it started happening again. No one knows why, it’s all a total mystery. Looking back I think I was just out of anything beyond keeping going and I couldn’t get pregnant because I was just done for a bit. We had a lot of sex, took holidays with and without the kids, laid in when we could, kept ttc every month but felt that gradually things levelled out. I booked an appointment for a fertility check up and got a bfp the week later. That one was a mmc in the end too but I’ve now been pregnant most of 2018 and god knows why but it’s finally possibly happening. Being pregnant after all that is incredibly stressful and you both need to be in the best space to get through it. I don’t have any advice other than to do everything you can to look after yourself, reach out for support as it’s incredibly shit to be where you are right now, and keep talking to each other. 50/50 is crap but it’s not nothing and you need your head, heart and relationship to be in the best possible knick so when you do stay pregnant you’re alright. Feel free to PM me if you’d ever like to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2018 20:25

So very true @AlpacaLypse and I couldn’t agree more. Husbands are great but being able to talk to people who know exactly how you feel is so cathartic and healing.

Mirkobaba · 01/12/2018 20:26

Have you had your progesterone levels checked?
We tried for almost 3 yrs to get pregnant "permanently (for 9 months at least)". Many many miscarriages later one pregnancy kept with us for 7 weeks. Then came the usual bleeding and such. I ended up with a random doctor in a&E who put me on very high levels of progesterone immediately. It made my life hell: the world was spinning for weeks, had to go to the loo on all fours, couldn't eat...but I ended up being 13 weeks pregnant. Then I had to be weaned off in a week or so. From then on everything was fine.
It turned out (blood tests and many doc visits later) that the real issue was with my hormone levels, nothing else.
Btw... we were scheduled for our first IVF later that month.
This was in another country, so maybe hormone checks are standard here.

lifecouldbeadream · 01/12/2018 20:27

Another here who has had 7 mc. It is a special kind of hell. It feels hideous and certainly on my journey there were times that I lost the plot. It’s incredible to me that our marriage survived what we had to go through. Even through I fell pg reasonably easily, each pg failed at around 8 weeks, the waiting then for the mc to end was months at times. So even if you fall quickly each time, you’ve had months of emotional upheaval, not to mention stress levels through the roof the next time you get pregnant. Have you been referred to a tertiary hospital I.e LWH, Oxford or St Mary’s? If not, I’d suggest you ask your GP to do so. The consultants at my local hospital were lovely( mostly) but it was only once I was seen at the recurrent m/c clinic at LWH that I started to feel that they genuinely ‘got’ what I was going through, their management of me was completely different. It didn’t mean that my pregnancy after was immediately successful, but the actual process was far less stressful. Sending gentle hugs and sticky dust. Keep your chin up, look after yourself and feel free to vent, it’s not unreasonable in the slightest.

HomerDancing · 01/12/2018 20:29

Very sorry xx

brizzledrizzle · 01/12/2018 20:31

I am so sorry Flowers

Bagadverts · 01/12/2018 20:32

((((OP))))
I'm so sorry Flowers

CaMePlaitPas · 01/12/2018 20:33

Please take care of yourself OP. I'm sorry for your loss.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/12/2018 21:04

I'm so so sorry OP Flowers

I can't say anything that will help, there's nothing that will help but my DM had 7 miscarriages before she went on to have four children so there is hope. I know that isn't any help to you but please don't blame yourself and there is always hope.

The world is shitty and it always seems to shit on the nicest people

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/12/2018 21:23

It’s the shittiest thing ever
Or it’s up on that list of shit things
So sorry OP Flowers

WineGummyBear · 01/12/2018 21:23

Also had 6 MCs OP.

It's horrific. I'm so sorry for your losses.

You haven't done anything to deserve this. It's awful awful and NOT AT ALL your fault.

Please give yourself a break. The anger and rage you feel comes from this incredible pain. I've been there and I understand that every brave face for happy expecting friend comes at enormous cost to your own wellbeing. Please give yourself a break and focus on doing the things that build you up.

Take care.

SunnyCoco · 01/12/2018 21:32

I’m so sorry for your losses

They are each and every one of them real, and your feelings are valid and absolutely appropriate

I am another who has lost too many, but has also been fortunate to have birthed healthy babies along the way. I hope it gives you some hope.
Demand every test going, pay for extra tests if you have any money.

But mainly I wanted to say you’ve done nothing to ‘deserve’ it - it’s nothing you’ve done or haven’t done, you’re not to blame, it’s a horrible quirk of nature that’s all. You don’t deserve it, your feelings are totally valid, it’s an awful thing to be happening to you and I’m so sorry . I completely get why you want to keep trying and actually I was the same and I think you are right to do so. But allow yourself to grieve as well if you need to xxx

SerenDippitty · 01/12/2018 21:32

I’m so sorry OP. Flowers

Lovemysofa · 01/12/2018 21:34

Oh my lovely, I know there is nothing I can say to take away your pain but just wanted to send my thoughts to you Flowers