To wonder what the hell I have done to deserve this

[Shitshitshitshit]

Going through my 6th miscarriage. SIXTH.

What the fuck have I done to deserve such a shitty hand? Why is God doing this to me. I am not a horrible person. I am kind, I don't hurt anyone. I don't deserve this.

This is breaking me and I don't want to keep going. I want to give up. On life in general.

I hate myself and my stupid failing body. I want to be someone else.

I am sorry for your losses and feel for you. (I had 3 between my sons 9 years age gap).

I don't know whether this will help (I hope it does) rather than hinder but I have a friend who had 12 miscarriages and then went on to have 3 healthy children who now range from 16 down to 10 after the 12. I know it might not seem like it but please keep hope in your heart.

So sorry to hear this is happening to you OP

You haven’t done anything to deserve this, and you haven’t done anything wrong.

I’m not surprised you feel angry, amongst other things, and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way.

You’re right to be angry, in what possible way is that fair?

You’re utterly wrong about one thing though. You’re not putting your partner through anything, they have free will, they’re support and love is theirs to give to whom ever they choose and they’ve chosen you.

Envy is such a hard emotion, it’s very self destructive but at the same time society has made it taboo to admit to, usually when you probably need to get it out the most. It’s ok that you feel that way towards other people, it would be practically saintly to not have those thoughts in your position. Let yourself think and feel what comes and then you can work on reasoning logically with yourself when you have the strength.

I'm sorry OP, you have every right to be angry. please, please don't hurt yourself. its truly not your fault, and if the urges get stronger to harm yourself please phone the miscarriage association (01924 200799
Mon-Fri, 9am-4pm) or samaritans (116 123. - 24hrs every day). wishing you all the best

OP, that is so hard and unfair. Your feelings are completely understandable given such heartbreaking circumstances. Some counselling may well be beneficial to help you deal with this. I wish you well.

Oh I’m so sorry. I’ve had 6 miscarriages also and when I sat in that grieving room the last time and saw the stats after 6, I thought I’d pass out. I didn’t. I am now a mother. Please don’t give up hope. It is so so painful. I’m so sorry. It’s hard to know if you can feel strong enough to try again, but give yourself a few weeks to recoup and grieve. Much love to you.

You may find some support here www.fertilemindset.com/ to help you through. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

I just feel so trapped in a body that I don't want and despise. I've never felt desperation like this, I want to flee but I can't because it's myself that's the problem.

I want to admit something too...I try and put a brave face on the way I'm feeling and hold it in because I'm petrified that DH will say I'm not in a stable enough mind to try for a baby right now and will put the breaks on. The only thing I have keeping me going is knowing that we are trying so I pretend I'm okay so that he doesn't want to stop. I feel like I'm deceiving him.

My mother (the only other person except DH and my Dad who know) suggested taking a break from TTC so I could heal but the idea is just so repulsive to me. Absolutely not, there's nothing I want to do less in this world than take a break.

I'm obsessed with just starting again immediately. Like even though I'm heartbroken and a complete mess I just can't wait to torture myself again.

ry to see yourself in the same way you would if it were happening to a friend, you wouldn't blame her would you? Be kind to yourself
Very good advice

Sending you all the love OP

Feeling fucking livid is perfectly natural and healthy, let it out. I’m miraculously pregnant on my 6th go, no reason ever found despite all the tests available but the cocktail of meds is working and I’ll never know why.

What’s kept me going is the support I’ve had on here, there’s a ttc after multiple losses thread which made me feel less alone and gave me a safe place to rant and rave. One of the women there had several mcs because her DH had a translocation and they were told the same thing - just keep trying - which is such a pile of utter shite and so difficult mentally, but it’s also true.

Like I said, we had no reason for our losses so it’s been adding drugs in and hoping I’d keep conceiving so we’d get enough chances to try the next thing. It’s the most soul destroying, exhausting thing I’ve ever been through. The year when I didn’t conceive after catching 3 times in a row was a special kind of hell. I was sure I’d used up all my “luck” and that was that.

My DH has children from his previous marriage and as much as I knew how much he wanted a family with me, I can’t tell you how many times at 3am I’d lie awake wondering why I was putting us both through it, putting him through it when he already has perfect, healthy, beautiful children and didn’t need anymore. But I believe him when he says he never doubted we were right to carry on. We started the journey together and didn’t see how we could give up on the idea so we just kept going. You’re not doing anything TO him and he’s in it with you going through the same hope and heartbreak. You’ll be dealing with it differently and that’s natural and okay. I had huge amounts of rage towards the babies I felt kept abandoning me, he didn’t get that at all but it’s where I was for a while. He hated seeing me going through it all physically and was really traumatised by that, while I didn’t really think about it that much because it was just an unavoidable part of it all. Try and keep talking to each other. And get the help and support you need. There are, sadly, a lot of amazing posters on here who can relate and who are going through their own versions of it and can empathise with you. And professional help is there for exactly this, to give you the space to grieve and fear and rage as much as you need to.

My heart goes out to you so much.

for you AloneLonelyLoner it’s the crappest club I can think of to be in but I’m so glad you got there. It’s shocking how many people go through it and the level of care they receive is so patchy.

They were both conceived naturally thankfully but it’s been a long road so I absolutely understand your pain. I had one miscarriage before our first child, followed by three before a successful pregnancy with our second child. Since then I’ve had a further three and am currently 8 weeks but if this doesn’t work out, we’ve agreed to give up although we’ve always wanted 3 as I can’t put my body through it anymore.
Definitely try and speak to someone about further tests, just to rule out any other possible issue that could be treated, you just never know and then at least you will have exhausted that option and know for definite that’s it’s solely the balanced translocation.
Would you consider other options? Such as donor ivf or pgd? Have you spoken to a specialist who could give you any indication of your likelihood of a successful pregnancy? Or could be frank about their opinion on what point to try other options (if you are open to that?
I’ve no real words of advice other than to keep going..as hard as it is, everything will be worth it in the end. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever have a baby, it’s just so much harder to get there. All your feelings are totally normal and understandable, try to take time to heal from this loss and if/when your ready to try again, I wish you all the luck in the world that next time is the one!

taking a break from TTC so I could heal but the idea is just so repulsive to me. Absolutely not, there's nothing I want to do less in this world than take a break.(

I feel your pain.

Your frustration is not helping the situation however.

AnneLovesGilbert we're in a very similar situation. My DH has children. I am so worried he'll want to give up eventually because he's already
got his kids. He promises me this won't happen but I'm still scared none the less.

They are great and I love them very much but when I'm in the moment like right now I fucking resent it. I hate that he's had this already with another woman who's body worked better than mine. I hate that I have to hide upstairs so they don't ask why I'm crying when all I want to do is throw things around and scream at the top of my lungs. I hate having to go to the hospital alone because we don't want them knowing what's happening. I'm a horrible person. They are here tonight and I don't want them to be. How awful is that? This is their home and I'm wishing they weren't here simply because I want DH to myself. It's utterly selfish of me.

Day to day I'm not like this.

I don't think it is humanly possible to deserve what you are going through. My husband also has a balanced translocation and (probably) as a result of this I have had a lot of miscarriages.

We did eventually have healthy children. I had to have treatment with Clomid to get pregnant, but we only found out about the balanced translocation after our daughter was stillborn (totally unrelated- she had a prolapsed cord) and we had about a hundred blood tests.
My husband felt like he was killing the babies we lost, and his guilt was huge. I don't know if this helps you at all, but I never for one second blamed him. He couldn't control his chromosomes and neither can you.

Namechanger16 thank you

I don't think I'd be comfortable with donor IVF to be honest. I would certainly consider pgd but we don't meet the criteria so would have to pay for private which we simply can't afford right now.

I do know the type of BT I have, my mother had the same. She had 9 miscarriages and 2 successful. My grandmother believes she had the same thing although there was no testing for it back then, she had 3 children.

All I am told is that my mother (and potentially grandmother) are evidence I can have living children as my BT is identical to theirs and so I just need to keep going. But it is so so draining. I am scared I simply won't have the same luck as my mother.

Just to add, I am the exact same with wanting to try again straight away even though it’s torture so I understand. Do try and be honest with your husband about how your feeling though, your in this together and he won’t blame or resent you. This isn’t your fault

Shitshitshitshit

Your feelings are valid. I can feel your frustration, hurt and upset.

It's fucking horrendous. I feel your pain. And your anger.

I'm a midwife. I have seen women have multiple miscarriages, (most recent was a lady with 13) go on to have healthy strong babies. But for now, it's just really bloody awful.

Please don't blame yourself or your body. It's trying. It's doing the hardest bit, which is conceiving in the first place. Please get some counselling and find a way to get through this without blaming yourself. xxx

Sending 💕 to you.
I have had 5 consecutive miscarriages, my first starting at 37 on birthday. It is heart breaking and at times I just felt, ‘why me?’. I was referred to St Mary’s and tests came back inconclusive but there were genetic problems with the last 3 pregnancies, chromosomal issues.
I felt like I was less than a woman as I couldn’t obviously keep a pregnancy. All my pregnancies have been natural, my last at 42.
We decided we to try one more time and that would be it, as we couldn’t face the heartache anymore.
We now have a beautiful daughter, aged 4, she is our miracle as we she was our last attempt. We won’t have anymore as I’m now too old and can’t face any more miscarriages.
Give yourself a breather if you can, and then if you feel strong enough try again. Hugs to you.

Exact same in that my mum is a carrier and probably her mother (but no testing then) my mum had 3 children and NO miscarriages, and only I am a carrier out of my siblings. This over the years has made me irrationally resent them for it only being me..although I honestly wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Like you, it did give me hope that it’s possible and obviously it is as we now have 2. Keep the faith x

I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone. I am reading and appreciating every single one of your messages and I'm appalled that so many of us are going through/have gone through something similar. It is pure hell

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. That is awful

Can I ask, when you mention clomid, did you have trouble getting pregnant as well or did you use it for another reason? My mother seems to think they offered it to her (or whatever the equivalent was then) as well but can't really remember why. She said she thinks it was something to do with releasing more than one egg so increasing the chances of catching 'a good one' as she remembers them warning her about twins. They haven't mentioned anything of the sort to me though.

I don't seem to have any problem getting pregnant. In fact, they have been quite impressed with the 'speed' at which I do seem to conceive. I suppose they think I should take some comfort in that.

I'm told it's 50/50 each time but thats just bullshit isn't it. I've had my fair share now.

Sorry to be so 'woe is me'.

OP, I'm so, so sorry. My cousin went through 12 miscarriages before she finally fell pregnant with twins. My friend went through 8, my other friend, 3. Even one, is one too many. It is a horrible, horrible thing to have to go through.I'm so sorry this is happening to you x