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Original poster

how common is it for marriage to a disliked spouse to end a close sibling relationship?

78 replies

LetsKillAllTheElves · 01/12/2018 14:36

My best friend used to be super-close to her brother. They had an adorable supportive sibling relationship I was jealous of. Her brother married a bit of a bitch who he adored. My friend tried to maintain a relationship with her brother but its ended up with them barely speaking - because she doesn't like his wife and he won't tolerate anyone who doesn't think she is a wonder. It's so sad.

Recent media stories about Harry & William becoming distant apparently due to dislike of Meghan, made me wonder how common this is?

I don''t mean normal rubbing along together when you tolerate someone but don't really like them.

I mean - how common is it for close siblings with a great relationship ending up in a very different place and emotionally distant because one has married a partner that the other one thinks is no good for them?

I'm a bit worried as my sister is in a relationship a bit like this and I fear for our future if she marries this guy - especially after what happened with my best friend.

Is this a common thing?

OP posts:
Thehop · 01/12/2018 14:38

Really common

My mum has cut me out because she doesn’t like my husband

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/12/2018 14:39

Don't know how common it is, but I certainly recognise it within my own family. It all came to a head recently, and the sibling with the toxic partner has acknowledged the situation, and pledged to maintain relations with the family, and leave the spouse out of it. Suits everyone else fine.

Crunchymum · 01/12/2018 14:40

How do you know William and Harry have become distant? Confused

DeltaFlyer · 01/12/2018 14:43

My sister refuses to speak to my brother because she doesn't like his wife.
Something was said, by my brother, about my sister's husband and my shit stirring mother told her it was brothers wife.
My sister is refusing to come to my wedding if she's there too. It's very messy.

donajimena · 01/12/2018 14:45

None of my family speak to my brother because his wife is vile.

Florp · 01/12/2018 14:46

My sister and husband don't get on - following two huge rows my husband had with her partner. She took her partner's side completely - I thought both her partner and my husband were equally in the wrong. I still get on OK with her partner (I am the type that likes a quiet and drama-free life), but she won't talk to my husband and he can't stand either of them.

Anyway, we are still close but have tacitly made my husband a conversational no-go zone. It hasn't affected our degree of closeness, I just avoid saying anything that might lead to a discussion of my husband, and she does the same.

Danteinferno · 01/12/2018 14:47

Stealth Meghan bashing thread 🙄

Original poster
LetsKillAllTheElves · 01/12/2018 14:53

It's so sad.

In the case of my friend, she would say she admittedly never liked her brother's wife but has tried to maintain a relationship with her brother - by trying to see him on his own and do things together. - but her brother has been manipulated by his wife to insist on seeing jos sister only with the wife present (Which was always reluctant to do) and to constantly criticise his sister's attitued. The end result is they ended up arguing all the time and don't see each other at all.

The brother would probably say that his sister has made no effort with his wife, she's the woman he has chosen and so he has to put her first.

I just don't get how these situations develop into an either/or situation.

Even if you hate the sibling's spouse, why can't the married sibling just accept that and maintain as best they can a relationship with their brother/sister?

I mean not liking a partner is hardly a crime is it. & not liking a spouse doesn't mean you don't love your sibling.

usually (if you love your sibling) the reason you don't like there spouse/partner is because you think they aren't good for them. it's usually founded on love and concern for the sibling.

OP posts:
gggrrrargh · 01/12/2018 14:53

I was very close to my sister, then a situation happened that just got bigger and bigger by her husband - even though he knew us for years he still found it easier i imagine to cut us all out and stay out of family events without a backwards glance. They have lots to do with his family! My sister has barely anything to do with me now even though she lives a mile away - got to say I am so disappointed how little she seems to have said ‘this is crazy I want to maintain the relationship with my family’.

TrippingTheVelvet · 01/12/2018 14:55

Very common. A lot of partners do not like them being super close to their family so put an end to it.

Original poster
LetsKillAllTheElves · 01/12/2018 14:57

@gggrrrargh

got to say I am so disappointed how little she seems to have said ‘this is crazy I want to maintain the relationship with my family’.

This is EXACTLY how my friend feels about her brother - she's distraught that he thinks basically having nothing to do with her (after they were so close) is the way forward.

I fear this end point with my sister.

Why is it so hard to chose to maintain a relationship with your birth family/siblings even if they don't like your spouse? You are separate from your spouse. And your birth family is your only birth family - you can't replace a life long sibling close relationship.

OP posts:
GreenTeacup · 01/12/2018 15:06

The thing is that for some people, once you are married and start a family of your own, they become your immediate family and your parents and sibling relationships are secondary to that. Some siblings do not realise this and still feel that they can call the shots and demand relationships with the sibling while disregarding their partner.

I no longer talk to my sister because she felt that she was able to treat my husband the same way as she treated me and she didn’t get to do that as the relationship had naturally shifted as soon as we started our own families. She couldn’t see that and we had to put boundaries in place to stop her taking the piss constantly. Once you start talking boundaries the relationship is doomed!

GreenTeacup · 01/12/2018 15:10

you can’t replace a lifelong sibling relationship

FWIW I don’t feel like I have replaced it. I hold very dear memories of my sister growing up BUT she has turned into a manipulative control freak as an adult and I am ok leaving the relationship in the past.

It’s not an easy decision but no-one should impact on your immediate family even if they are siblings. The fact that they feel that they have a right to is the problem.

NinjaGoSaysNo · 01/12/2018 15:14

One of my BILs has a horrible gf who he lives with, in 2.5 years we've seen him for about half an hour as neither DH or I can bear to be in the same room as her (& she was very rude on the one occasion she came to our house). It's hard, I don't like seeing DH and his bro drift apart but equally the physical distance means it's hard to see him without her and life's too short to waste it on obnoxious people. She's also very loud and attention seeking so if we do see them rogether its just the "Jane* show" and we don't really "see" BIL anyway iykwim.

  • not her real name
GreenTeacup · 01/12/2018 15:16

Also (sorry I am going on a bit) but for me, it was not until i was married with my own children that I realised that my family were not as normal as I thought. (Some of the behaviour was extremely abusive and I never saw it) I began to see patterns of behaviour that I never noticed before. They fell off of their pedastools pretty quickly.

I still have a relationship with the rest of my family despite this but it will never impact my own.

LuvSmallDogs · 01/12/2018 15:22

My DH and our children are my immediate family, the ones I live with and see every day. They are my priority and when my mum has tried to have a little dig at DH to me in the past, I have shut her down. It’s not just the children you should present a united front to. If my family wouldn’t let up on criticising DH, of course I would no longer be as close to them.

Dsis1 and I were very close, but since getting married and having kids, we have drifted further apart. It’s not because I don’t love her, but because we have very little in common as she is happily long term single and childfree and very awkward around the kids.

lovetherisingsun · 01/12/2018 15:29

My SIL was kind of "close" to my husband. But, though as a 14 yr old she was nasty (would laugh at people she deemed "fat", "ugly" etc), she unfortunately never grew out of it. She is now past mid twenties, still not a nice human being, and they've naturally grown apart as my husband, her brother, never says a bad word about anyone, doesn't judge, etc. He also finds her complete lack of desire to do anything for herself and her rudeness to be not pleasant to deal with, so they've just naturally stopped speaking as they have nothing in common anymore. She also has zero desire to interact with our children, so there's that, too. Sometimes there's two side to a story, as I'm sure she'll say it's somehow my fault, but, meh.

redshoes2017 · 01/12/2018 15:41

I would say it's very common. However if your relationship with your sibling is that great you will do anything to maintain that surely ? It's their choice at the end of the day and your love for your sibling should be far greater than your dislike for their partner.

Kintan · 01/12/2018 15:43

Urgh seriously OP - how do you know Meghan has come between Will and Harry? Is this just another thread set up to bash MM? Don't believe everything you read in the Daily Mail.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 01/12/2018 16:05

I've got to agree with you redshoes2017 no partner, whether his or mine would come between my relationship with my brother.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2018 16:07

Don't read the DM OP. They absolutely hate poor Meghan Markle.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 16:22

As the hated wife I might be able to offer a different perspective!

BIL would say he and DH were close and that I split them up, came between DH and the rest of his family.

DHs version is that he was the family scapegoat and meeting me, someone who had no connection with any of them, was a lightbulb moment for him. He didn't have to be the small, ne'er do well they all had him down as. The more he stepped outside of that role the more they hated me.

BILs wife enjoyed herself a lot at my expense (not known as PoisonousSIL for nothing) and soon the siblings (they have a sister also) stopped contacting DH. After the death of their mother he gave up trying and let it slide.

Now PoisonousSIL has left BIL, guess who he turned to? We hosted BIL/SIL (sister) for Christmas last year and I was told that they appreciated it and were sorry they had let PoisonousSIL persuade them I was a witch!

Sorry, but I didn't really accept their magnanimous gesture. They're still unpleasant people and telling me they were 'easily led' hasn't changed my mind. They weren't any more pleasant to DH!

In short, you probably don't know even half of the story. Your friend obviously loves her own opinion more than her brother.. or like most adults she would put her opinions aside and support him, even f it was whilst waiting for him to wake up! She would be there for him!

EmeraldShamrock · 01/12/2018 16:27

My mams sisters have never liked my Dad. It is still frosty after 45 years later, which is a shame as my aunts and Dad are very similar in personality, both dominant. My poor mam has always been the innocent in it all.

JohnCRaven · 01/12/2018 16:29

My DB had wife 1 who we didn't particularly like but got on OK with. Didn't see the family much because none of us particularly liked her.

Left her and became my DB again.

Met wife 2 and we've lost him again but worse because we REALLY don't like wife 2. Never see him now and he's GodF to DD1 (in between wives Hmm)

Notacluewhatthisis · 01/12/2018 16:31

I rarely speak to my brother due to his wife.

I always tried to be friendly when we saw her. But she told me that women that work should be infertile and not be able to be mothers. I am a working mum. That was the last thing she said in a long line of digs. Dbro just sat and let her say it.

So he damaged our relationship. I would never be ok with Dp speaking to anyone like she does. I choose to not see them and not listen to her vile judgments of people.

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